168 // There Isn’t Much More

I’m still recovering from the weekend. I know, I know, two nights should be enough but I’m getting older now. Not old, but older, and I don’t bounce back the way I used to. The end of my partying days are growing closer, I’m feeling it. I’m hoping I’ll be able to let them go gracefully when the time comes.

It was a good day though. I was productive and the work hours flew by fast. I was able to leave early and to come home to my fiance rather than an empty house. Plus plenty of leftover fajita fixings leftover from last night to make for dinner and a little time to write in before I’ll have to do it all again tomorrow. There isn’t much more I ask from life. There isn’t much more I can ask, I guess.


167 // Talking to Dads

We never made it to the parade. I’m just still so exhausted from yesterday’s celebrations and shenanigans and I’m still so sore from all the walking and my ankles are beat up from the new shoes I wore. There was no way. All I wanted to do to was stay in bed but we still had so much to do I just had to suck it up, suck down some coffee, and do my best to be engaged. I think I did okay.

I didn’t get to see my dad (he had to work) but I called him, of course. He sounds tired, stressed, maybe sad? I worry about him a lot but it’s hard to tell him that because the way we talk to our dads is different than the way we talk to our moms. Maybe I will though, because the way we talk to our dads shouldn’t be different than the way we talk to our moms.

166 // Gay Day! Gay Day!

I’m not up as early as I’d hoped to be (the story of my life) but I at least got going the moment I got out of bed. I’m spending the morning doing some more pampering—face masks, nail painting, shaving, teeth whitening—before we join all the other beautiful queers downtown for celebration.

We have a whole gay day planned. We’ll have our best gay friends with us to do some shopping, drinking, eating, exploring, and later more drinks and dancing throughout the rest of the night.

I’m excited for tomorrow too when, I hope, we’ll head back downtown again to see the parade. It’s been 50 years since the Stonewall riots, we have a gay Governor, and, for the first time, we have a pride flag hanging from the state capitol. I want to see it. I want to go and be a part of all that progress and joy.

While I agree with Marsha P. Johnson, the revolutionary LGBTQ rights activist, when she said, “As long as gay people don’t have their rights all across America, there’s no reason for celebration.” I do think we need a day to love and celebrate who we are because no one else is going to do that.

Today, we will celebrate, tomorrow, we will remember, and when the weekend is over, we’ll get back to doing the work.

165 // It’s Going to Be Wonderful

I had originally planned not to go into work today but this is one of the few weeks where I can get more hours than usual and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to make a little more money. I regretted the decision the moment I walked through the door.

Things were tense at work in preparation for a big meeting with the big boss. All around me minds were working out loud to predict the conversation and plot the outcome. All wanted to tell it like it is, make an impression, and somehow someway find the dignity they’d been missing, I guess. I couldn’t help, and I couldn’t handle it, so I went home early.

This evening has been amazing! We’ve had perhaps too good of a time and now we’re off to bed early without having finished out planned self-care/home spa routine in preparation for Pridefest tomorrow. Oh well, if I head to sleep now there’s a real chance I’ll be able to pull myself out of bed early enough to write and get ready.

The weekend is here and I can already tell it’s going to be wonderful.

164 // Outraged and Angry

Today someone I am attached to professionally violated some established social norms in a spectacular and offensive way, while I was in the room. I did nothing wrong, and I did my best to keep out of the fray but though the violator wasn’t aware, or perhaps didn’t care, I felt the eyes of the room and the wave of disappointment, anger, and disapproval falling on him, and me by association.

I was mad at the violator for the outburst the same as everyone else in the room, but I was also angered by my lack of control over the situation. Suddenly the way I was being viewed had nothing to do with me. Suddenly someone else was acting and speaking for me.

My anxiety has over the years turned me into someone who moves deliberately and with forethought. I rely on my friends and coworkers to give me the space I need to control the world’s perception of me and this person took that away.

I watched, outraged and angry, as he initiated a chaotic situation and acted in ways that left the outcome uncertain. He left me with no choices. He left me with no way to reassert my place or my boundaries. He left me exposed and with no way to salvage anything for myself. This, for me, is his true offense.

I don’t know how I can forgive it.

163 // There Has to be More

I’m fortunate enough to work for a district that is big, dense, and well financed. I’m fortunate enough to work in a place that is at the forefront of compliance, knowledge, and implementation of laws and best practice recommendation too, but because we are often the first or the best, there is little room for me to go out and learn from others. Of course, some would say that I should be the one teaching then, but I already do that every day. What I want is a chance to learn. I need is to be challenged.

Today I took a class I hoped to take something, anything new out of and instead I was presented with the same slides and materials I had been studying and teaching for years. I’m glad that others in the class were able to learn something new but I’m exceedingly disappointed that I wasn’t.

Tomorrow I’m taking another class and hoping for another chance at a challenge, but if I once again walk away with what I arrived with I will certainly devote much more of my time elsewhere to find the pieces we are missing and taking the teaching upon myself. There has to be more to know than this.

162 // Easy Peasy

I’m feeling much better this morning than I was yesterday, not just physically but emotionally too. I’m lighthearted and happy, willing to make jokes and to take a joke too. I woke on time but took my time getting ready for work. I arrived when I was ready, not when they wanted me. Luckily I’m largely unsupervised this week and as long as the work gets done no one will mind.

I actually spent most of the day working on wedding things. The officiant script is looking largely done and we’ve made considerable progress on the playlists. We have more supplies for the DIY backdrop and pretty gold paint for the grid panel and the candle holders. I have a couple of emails to send as well but my anxiety is asking that we wait until tomorrow.

After heading home early again I cleaned up some and got ready to head out again to enjoy some fresh air and sunshine while I watch my wife play a couple games of kickball. I wish the whole team good luck!

161 // Get Myself to Sleep

The day was all wrong from the start. The problem is, I went to bed far too late last night, again, and woke up feeling exhausted and groggy, just as I knew I would. I take responsibility for those choices and can honestly say, despite the consequences, I don’t regret a single thing.

So, I won’t dwell on the past or pretend to beat myself up. I’ll simply deal with the fallout the best I can—with strong coffee and a brisk walk or two to keep the blood flowing—and keep my mind on the light at the end of the workday tunnel.

The end of the day came, and it hit me hard. I struggled to stay awake all day in my conference class and as soon as I got home I wanted to crash out on the couch but I knew I couldn’t. I had resolved to start cooking at home again and put off the habit change too long. Food would start going bad if I didn’t get in the kitchen tonight.

I did it but I hated it and now my mood is soured.

I just need to sleep. I just need to get myself to sleep.

I’d considered staying home tomorrow since the three days of classes I’m taking (the one today and two others on Wednesday and Thursday) will be long but I cannot pass up the hours, no matter how tempting the rest would be.

I just need to get myself to sleep now…

160 // Sunday Night Blues

So much for an early night. The nap I took earlier is making it hard to want to go to bed now and knowing this is the last bit of weekend I have left for the next five days is making it hard to care. Sunday nights are the worst of the week and this one feels more depressing than most.

We bought a few wedding DIY supplies today and I’m bummed I’ll have long hours to work tomorrow instead of getting to come home and make pretty things for my big day. I’m not looking forward to the conference either though I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and do something new.

I’d rather be writing but I know deep down that if I did have the time I probably wouldn’t use it. My focus has been off and my motivation low. I’ll test myself instead and promise to do what I can with what I have wherever I am. I have my phone, my pens, and a notepad too. That’s all I need to write.

We’ll see what I do.

159 // Roles Reversed

I’m used to being the one who is up early on the weekends. I get up, make my coffee, make us breakfast, and make sure that my fiance gets up to eat and start her day. I get the cleaning done, and I get some writing done—if I can—but lately the roles have been reversed.

Now she gets up and goes for walks with the dog and wakes me when she returns. She makes sure I eat and this morning she cleaned most of the house. It feels good to be the one being waited on but it feels bad too. It feels good to have someone who understands that I haven’t been feeling great and who understands the work still has to get done even if I can’t do it, but it feels bad too.

I’ve been drinking cups of coffee and tweaking the blog. I’ve been posting the journal drafts I had half-written and starting posts for the coming week. Soon I’ll eat lunch and reverse the roles again. I’ll get up and get the laundry started and the kitchen cleaned. She, I imagine will rest for the rest of the afternoon and I will get a chance to take care of her. I imagine that will feel rather good.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se