180// Lean In

A Sunday before a Monday away from work is a strange kind of day. I feel free and at peace, on the surface, knowing that tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that…are my own, but the sense of urgency, the panic and dread, are still bubbling deep down out of pure habit.

I’m not sure how to get rid of the apprehension, so I figured it’s better to embrace it and get a few things done rather than to try to avoid it.

Avoidance, I’m learning, is not a very targeted life strategy. All emotions and actions are interconnected and to try to avoid one dampens whole swaths of your energy, focus, motivation, emotion, and willpower. It’s much better to lean in. I’d like that to my mantra for the rest of the year, lean in.

I don’t mean it as in to “seize opportunity”. This isn’t about productivity or production. This isn’t about power, money, careers, or forging a path to the top, or through a glass ceiling straight to the American Dream.

I mean “lean in,” as in: “to feel fully and then move forward from or with the experience and emotion.” I mean it as in “opposed to avoidance.” I mean as in: “to face that which you find hardest to face and in doing so find a way forward by force or by flow.” I mean it as in: “confrontation and acceptance, learning and growth with productivity as little more than a by-product and certainly not necessary or even desirable.”

180 // Uninterrupted Hours

I swear I had a plan for this morning. I went to bed with a to-do list and strong determination but by the time I’d woken up and got moving, I suddenly had nothing at all on my plate. One to-do item had to be moved to this evening since I will need help. Then an appointment had to be rescheduled to later today. Still, another item will require an additional step and another day and if there was anything else, I simply forgot.

So, I suddenly had about 5 uninterrupted hours all to myself (my fiance has back-to-back hair, make-up, and wedding dress appointments this morning) and opted to use them cleaning my long-neglected house and working on a few small writing things instead. It’s been nice after the week I’ve had to finally have time alone in my head and at the keyboard.