Tag: 2020

Currently // March 2020: Everything Has Changed

“March is the Month of Expectation.
The things we do not know—”

— Emily Dickinson, March is the Month of Expectation

March, typically, is one of the most boring months of the year. If it weren’t for the start of Spring and for the designation as Women’s History Month, March would be wholly unremarkable. But this March has been something else entirely. This March has been one of the hardest and, frankly, terrifying months I have ever lived through.

When the month began, life was essentially normal. I was working and worrying about an upcoming interview for a new position at work. I was anxiously counting down the days until Spring break. I was so looking forward to a trip down to Texas for a conference. Life was good, and everything was looking up for me. Then the news reports, the ones that had been increasing for weeks and the ones I had dismissed as media hype, were growing increasingly concerning.

There was a new virus spreading quickly, and every day the numbers of the infected grew higher, and grew closer. Suddenly I was hearing words like incubation period, quarantine, and pandemic. Suddenly there was hand sanitizer everywhere. Suddenly we were being told to stay home if we were sick. Suddenly there were lists of vulnerable populations on the news and a list of vulnerable workers at my job. As the first couple of weeks of the month wore on, rumors began flying everywhere. Rumors about how bad things would get and the severe measures that may have to be taken. Then, suddenly, everything changed.

As I write this, my wife and I have been off of work and hold up at home practicing social distancing for nearly three weeks now. Almost every business in the state has closed their doors, and the Governor has issued a “stay-at-home” order. Last I heard from the school district I will return to work on April 20th, but I am hearing rumors again. Rumors about how much longer this will go on and how much worse it will get.

As for me, I’m getting through it the best that I can. I’m one of the lucky ones. I not only have the opportunity to stay home to protect myself and others, but I’m being paid to do so. I’m only being asked to endure isolation and boredom. I’m choosing to make the most of this time partly because I feel guilty for resting so much while the world burns around me, but also because I need to keep my mind occupied.

Going forward, I have no big aspirations. April will be a month of simply coping and doing what small things I can do to keep myself from falling victim to loneliness or depression. I’d like to read a few books, write a few posts and essay, and perhaps create a few collages and poems. I’d like to take better care of my physical and emotional health and complete a few projects around the house. I’d like to spend time with my wife and give my pets and plants the attention they deserve. I want all the things I always wish I could be doing when I had to work instead, but before I do, here is what I am currently:

Writing a couple of real blog posts. I’ve been using Google docs not only to track my daily to-do items and store my daily logbook lately, but to work on my drafts and essays too. I’ve been able to free write, take notes, add comments, and perform searches for quotes and facts right from within the documents. It helps to avoid distraction (when coupled with the use of a timer) and in this time of social isolation I feel like I finally have the time and a system in place to get my ideas organized and perhaps get some real writing out there instead of just talking about it.

Making lists. I’ve written a little about it already and plan to write a lot more about it soon, but I’ve been working on a new to-do list and logbook system I shamelessly stole from Jeff Huang. I’m incorporating suggestions from Cal Newport on adding time blocking and action plans and recently discovered a whole blog dedicated to Plain Text systems. I’m using Google docs to facilitate accessibility across devices and working on a system to incorporate calendars and links to other documents to track an editorial calendar and easily write and publish new blog posts.

Planning for a lengthy stay indoors. To be honest, nothing can be planned for at the moment. We don’t know when we will be able to go back to work, see our loved ones, travel or attend events. Everything I had been planning for or looking forward to had been postponed indefinitely, and all I can allow myself to plan for now is a day or two in advance. The silver lining is that for the time being I can live in the present and focus fully on spending the time I have today the best I can. One day at a time is the only way any of us can hope to digest the future that awaits us.

Reading It by Stephen King, still. I’ve been chipping away at this tome for months now and though progress has been slow, it has been made. I expect that by this time next month I’ll have finished this and two or three more. I hope to close the two book gap between where I am and where I should be by now if I want to beat my 2020 reading challenge. Going forward, I’m going to make an effort to read more digital books. I have an old iPad I’m repurposing as a dedicated e-reader. I have plenty of gift cards for Amazon, Google, and Barnes & Noble that I can use for this experiment and plenty of time on my hands to work on my comprehension and focus when reading from and screen.

Watching the news. I’m trying not to watch it all the time but, like most of you I’m sure, I’ve had to check in regularly not just with national news, which I did all the time even before all of this, but with world and local news too. It’s helped to be informed, but I’ve had to be mindful of where I get my news and how often I check it to avoid panic and speculation. I watch for an hour or so in the morning while I make my coffee and eat, and when I’m done, I turn it off and don’t allow myself to look again until after dinner.

Learning about International Women’s Health and Human Rights on Coursera. I’ve been trying for over a year to complete this course, but I have always failed to make the time or to do the work consistently. Now that I am off of work I have whole days to devote to studying and writing and, hopefully, finally marking this course complete. I’m ready to move on from this (and from my Modern & Contemporary American Poetry course too) and it has been this desire to move on that has kept me from finishing, but the only way out is through and there is no better time than now, when I have all the time I could ever want. 

Anticipating my birthday, I suppose. Normally, I spend the whole month of April celebrating my birthday. I tour all my favorite museums. I eat out at my favorite restaurants. I always do something extra special with my wife and I plan multiple events with family and friends, but this year I’ll have to spend it quietly indoors and away from everyone I know. I’m a bit bummed about it but I know I can still make it special if I try. I still have my wife here with me and we can cook my favorite foods and I hear she’s already ordered gifts for me. I can still call my family and friends and perhaps we can plan a hiking trip if the parks are still open.

Reflecting on all the ways life has changed and how easily it has changed, how easily it could have always changed before all of this if we’d all been better, stronger, more kind, more imaginative. We’re seeing now what was always possible and when this is over we are going to have to answer for why we lied to each other and ourselves for so long. We’ll have to face that universal healthcare, housing assistance, and paid sick leave at the very least we’re always possible, affordable, and in all our best interest. We’ll have to face that some things will have to stay changed for the better.

Fearing this virus making its way into my circle of loved ones or into my home. I’m afraid for my parents, who were forced to work far further into this pandemic than I was comfortable with. I’m worried for my wife, who’s asthma has grown more severe over these last few years. I’m worried for my siblings living in other states that aren’t yet taking the measures my state has. I’m worried for myself being on medications that leave me somewhat immunosuppressed and needing to make regular trips into the clinic for care. Every step out of the house is a risk, and so much is out of my control.

Hating the impact this virus has had on my own life and these past weeks. I know it’s a bit selfish, but I’m giving myself permission to be angry over missing so much I had been looking forward too. There was a St. Patrick’s day dinner and a movie date I had planned with my wife that was cancelled. I was planning a big trip to Texas for work that was cancelled. I just got a promotion the day before the district closed and I haven’t been able to have my title or my pay scale changed. I had a class scheduled to become a Crisis Prevention and Intervention instructor that has been postponed indefinitely. Spring has come, and I haven’t been able to fully enjoy one day of it. I’ve lost time, I can never get back, and it’s okay to be angry about it.

Loving how we’ve all come together to beat this thing. I love seeing that so many of us are doing our part by staying home, by sharing supplies, by volunteering, but donating money or supporting local business by ordering delivery. I love that we have chosen to keep each other safe rather than to indulging in petty wants. Even if I am disappointed in the fact that it took this pandemic for life to change, I love that we were able to change for the better so quickly and easily. I’m proud of us all, and my faith in humanity has been restored.

Needing to see some sign of hope. I need to see that what we are doing is helping and that lives will be saved but all I see is more death and more to fear and everyday I grow more depressed and hopeless. I desperately need my spirits lifted and I know I’m not alone. Everyone is feeling this same anxiety and dread and a little good news in these terrifying and uncertain times could go a long way, but everywhere I look there’s nothing but bad. I know the media is keeping us informed and I know they tend toward what keeps us engaged and nothing does that more than what incites panic but please, please, please, show us something good too.

Hoping we can all keep this up. I know the longer it goes on, the antsier we all get, the more we begin to relax the rules and lose our sense of urgency. We start venturing out. We start letting the kids play together in the park. We start visiting the friends and family we’ve been missing so much. We start to believe that things aren’t as bad as the media would have you believe and that the recommendations to stay home have been overblown. I hope we can, for once, keep foremost in our mind what must be done and that we can, for once, find the collective courage and discipline to do it.

So, yeah, all in all, March was an absolutely horrifying month, but there has been some small good in it. I am happy and healthy and so are the people I love. I got the promotion I’ve been working so hard for and one day, when all of this is over, I can do all of those things that I missed out on. I’ve learned to be present and we’ve all learned that we’re all connected and we cannot get through this without the help and cooperation of us all. March has been, at the very least, eye opening.

But what about you? How have you navigated these changes, this fear and uncertainty? How have you been impacted by this virus? Have you stayed well? Have you stayed at home? Do you have enough toilet paper?

Let me know in the comments.

The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love

Photo by Elijah O’Donnell on Unsplash

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I’m feeling much more productive today than I was yesterday. I got up a little later than I meant to, but I got started right away on cleaning and marking off a few persistent items from my to-do list while my wife ventured out to find us some groceries.

It took her two stores, and she still didn’t find any toilet paper. We aren’t low, and she may try again in the morning. She also had to stop by her job for a few things to continue working from home. It terrifies me every time she leaves the house, but we need things. We have no choice.

Soon I will work on writing something and perhaps, if I don’t wear out my will or motivation, I’ll get around to finishing one of these damned books I’ve been struggling with for months.

Today marks 90 days into the year and nearly the end of another month. Who would have thought the year would turn out like this? Who would have thought the Spring would bring such tidings of fear and death? I always think I’m being over dramatic or weak, but every day the numbers of infections, hospitalizations, and deaths increase and the projections and predictions grow more dire.

I hate being stuck inside. I’m bored and irritable, but it’s the only place I feel safe now.

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Today is another do nothing day. My wife is up and about cleaning the house and getting things done while I lay on the couch surrounded by warmth and guilt. This is exactly what I have been trying not to give in to. It’s too easy to do nothing when you know you don’t have to do anything and it’s hard to do anything when all the bad surrounding you is so much bigger than any good you could do or make.

I know it isn’t good to let thoughts like this fester but I also know the limits of my willpower and though I may have lost the battle with myself today the war wages on. We all need a day to wallow and perhaps it only normal and not worth beating myself up over. Sometimes the way to win is to give in, you know? What I mean is, I can’t change how I feel today, but I know accepting it will help me go a long way toward a better outcome tomorrow.

Until then, stay safe, all of you.

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One of my medication is on a national back order. That means I can’t have it shipped to my house, and rather than a 3-month supply, I can only get one at a time. That means taking more risks. I’ll have to go into the pharmacy and more often too.

They have medical personnel just inside the entrance to the pharmacy asking everyone who enters whether they have symptoms of Covid-19 or if they have been in contact with anyone who has symptoms. They’ve also started taking people’s temperatures as they enter, too. I got through the line, making sure to stay 6 feet away from the person in front of me, and when I received my medication, the pharmacist looked at me solemnly in the eye and told me to stay safe. It was unnerving, but somehow comforting too.

We’re in this together. We understand the stakes and we wish one another safety. That’s all we can wish for one another now.

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The only thing worse than being stuck inside is being stuck inside on a cold and gloomy day. I hear we’re going to be getting a bit of rain and maybe snow but since we haven’t had the need, or ability, to go anywhere I haven’t been playing very close attention to the weather reports. All I know is I can’t even open the widows for a bit of fresh air. Some days social distancing is harder than others.

My wife has her first video conference for work today. I’m strangely a little jealous. I can hear them laughing, showing off their pets, and just talking. I haven’t talked to anyone outside of my close friends and family in weeks. I miss acquaintances and even strangers. I miss feeling important or useful. I suppose I just have to accept that I am not, in fact, an essential worker.

On the other hand, debt collection agencies have been deemed essential businesses, so perhaps the term is super subjective.

Since we can’t go to the movies, we’ve started doing movie nights at home on Fridays. Tonight we are watching Emma. I read the book a long time ago, but I’ve never watched a movie adaptation, unless you count Clueless, which I’ve seen approximately a million times.

This version reminds me very much of Clueless and, unfortunately because of the generation I was born in and the cognitively vulnerable of the time it was released makes it forever the superior adaptation in my mind. I should have chosen to watch Little Women instead, but I was worried I’d feel the same way. How could there be a better Jo March than the one played by Winona Ryder?

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It feels like it’s been months rather than weeks since I last had to get up and get anywhere on time. Today is my infusion appointment. My third out of the first four they call the “loading doses”. Getting out of bed and then getting ready was difficult. I’m just not used to it anymore but at least we were able to leave the house a bit later this morning knowing that there would be minimal traffic on the roads.

I’m hear now and about halfway through the bag of medication. I’m not in the small windowless and cramped room they had previously shoved quick infusion patients like me into. No, I’m back out in the big open room, but it’s not as cheery as usual.

The blinds are drawn and there is no sun or mountain views from my comfy recliner, and the place nearly empty. The nurse working with me explained that most infusions have been cancelled to reduce spread of the virus. Only chemotherapy, inflammatory bowel, and other patience who are relying on this place to keep them at optimal health are allowed in now. I’m ashamed that made me feel important.

I hope by the time I come back at the end of May things will be a little more like normal again and though that means I’ll most likely be back in what my wife calls the “broom closet” for my infusion I need the sun and the people, the smiles and cheer. This place, though by definition is a sad one, has paradoxically always been a source of encouragement to me.

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It turns out Wednesday’s are the most boring day of the week, whether you are in social isolation or you are working. We have nothing going on and nowhere to go to change that. The weather is gorgeous at least, and we can have the windows open. We can bring the outside in since we are avoiding bringing ourselves out.

It’s the time of day when I allow myself to check in with the news. I’ve been obsessive about the local news lately and have created a list on Twitter for Colorado news outlets and political institutions and organizations only. It seems the rumors I was reading were true and beginning tomorrow morning the entire tri-county area will be under a “shelter in place” order. Not much will change for my wife and I. Since schools closed down weeks ago, we’ve been socially distancing longer than most. We only leave for groceries or to walk around the neighborhood, and tomorrow, to take me to my infusion appointment.

I’m noticing a disturbing trend in which the President says a lot of things that cause panic and incur criticism, but it seems he has very little influence over what is actually happening in the real world. He’s talking about reopening businesses and sending people back to work while our political leadership here doubts the school year will resume before summer. I’ve decided not to even listen to the President during this time and to receive information and take guidance from my local leaders, Governor Cuomo (who has been conducting daily thoughtful and encouraging press conferences), the Center for Disease Control, and the World Health Organization.

I’d advise you all to do the same.

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I’m feeling much, much better than I was yesterday, both physically and emotionally. I think I know now what happened and where the pain came from.

My GI doctor had called me while I was in the morphine haze and I didn’t quite catch it then but I remember now that she mentioned a bit of fluid in my abdomen that could be seen on the CT scan. She mentioned there may have been a cyst that ruptured, but she didn’t sound concerned. This morning I looked up the symptoms, and it sounds exactly like what I went through. I also posted in my ulcerative colitis support group and had a member confirm she had been through very similar and it was also a ruptured cyst.

I feel reassured and validated. I feel like it was reasonable to be seen by a medical professional and it was worth the trip to. I also feel angry. I’m angry that the nurses and doctors were so dismissive and that they rushed me out the way they did. I’m angry that I never get the answers I’m seeking from them. I’m angry for all the pain I’ve dealt with in the past because I was brushed off.

Physically I’m feeling better too. The pain is slowly dulling and dying away. I’m able to move around and I even got out of the house with my wife for some grocery shopping. And, I have to say, I’m really enjoying this social distancing thing. People are more polite, more respectful of boundaries, quieter. The general public has become pleasant to be around. I hope we all retain some of that niceness once the world and real life begin again.

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I woke up this morning, and everything was fine. The pain I’ve been feeling for the last couple of days was there, but it was dull. I could still do my morning things: making coffee, caring for the pets, watering the plants. Then, suddenly, the pain got very bad, very bad! I was doubled over, crying, sweating, nauseous, and dizzy. Something was very wrong, but I tried to lay down and wait for it to pass. I called the GI nurse, but she told me all I could do was go into urgent care. So I did.

Of course with the coronavirus spreading I was reluctant to go but I know my body and this pain was some of the most severe I have ever felt, but it wasn’t new. A few years ago I went through this too. Usually ulcerative colitis pain is on this left side, but this is on the right and only on the right. It’s low and makes me think my appendix is about to burst, or maybe I have a hernia, or perhaps a tear in the bowel. Last time I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and they found nothing and eventually the pain went away but even when it was at its worst it was nothing like this.

When I arrived at the urgent care center, they gave me morphine for the pain, ran some blood tests, and gave me a CT scan and…found nothing. Or nothing much, anyway. Nothing that would warrant their time, attention, or care. I was quickly unplugged from the I.V. and sent on my way with instructions to drink more water, eat more fiber, and feel better soon.

I feel deeply embarrassed. I feel as though I wasted everyone’s time. At the same time, I’m worried there is something they missed. I was in so much pain something has to have been wrong and, honestly, it’s not like they haven’t missed a diagnosis before. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I’m focusing on feeling better, both emotionally and physically, and I’m searching for answers on my own.

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I’m back in the creativity room again and it feels really good. The couch is nice but the T.V. is distracting and to be honest as much as my wife and I love each other it isn’t good for us to be in the same room too many days in a row. I’m grateful not to have to go through this social isolation alone, but it does require an adjustment period and a lot of sensitivity and flexibility when you are married. We’re working out how much time together is too much and how to express thoughtfully and sensitively whenever either of us needs space.

I’m glad it is a given that both of us would have different schedules and projects around the house throughout the day, just as if we were at work. We’re still working out how which part of the day should be spent together, but I think the answer is easy, the evenings and weekends as it’s always been.

So far we are coping with the shut in okay. I’m more worried about my loved ones, some of which are still being expected to work and others who have found themselves temporarily unemployed and without pay. I worry they will get sick and I worry they will lose their homes or have their utilities shut off.

And the worry is taking a toll, too. My stomach has been hurting for a couple of days now and only getting worse. I’m worried about another ulcerative colitis flare. That’s the last thing I need to deal with right now. (Although on second thought if I had to go into a flare this would be the best time. Well, if it weren’t for the shortage of toilet paper, that is.) I know the healthcare system has bigger worries and I am sure my doctors are otherwise occupied. I don’t think I would have the usual support if I flared right now.

It seems there is no part of life this pandemic isn’t touching.