214 // A Brief Normalcy

Today is a better day. I’m feeling more solid, physically, more present and connected to my body, stronger. This is always the first sign of healing. Before I can see tangible improvement, before I can see or feel exactly what and where I have begun to heal, I feel it in my spirit. A corner has been turned, but I know that doesn’t mean that the journey won’t be agonizingly slow and that setbacks are not on the horizon.

And so, because I was feeling a little better and because I have been feeling so down, I decided to venture out with my wife for some shopping therapy. The weather was gorgeous and having a few new things for the home made a big difference in my mood.

Of course there were tough moments. This ulcerative colitis flare has progressed so far that I’m left with a great amount of fatigue, pain, discomfort, and anxiety almost all of the time. There were moments today between all the positivity and the hopefulness, when I wanted to break down, but I breathed through it. I sat with my pain and fear and fatigue and I gave it space to breathe too and each moved to let me pass for a time and I am grateful for the brief feeling of normalcy.

Unfortunately, the outing was still just slightly little more than I could handle and when I got home, I crawled right back into the bed to recover.

The evening is settling in now. We have some rain clouds cruising in from the mountains, but they don’t appear too threatening. I’m looking forward to a calming and cleansing rain. Much of my cleaning was done last night and I’m basking in the peace of knowing I have nothing I have to do and nothing anyone is asking of me. I may write for a while or work cut and compile a new collage piece.

Or maybe I won’t push myself to make, or read, or write anything at all. Maybe I’ll give myself permission to just lay on this couch, watch some mindless TV, and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine with my wife before turning in early. I deserve it. I need it.

214 // Seize This Time

It’s my wife’s last day at our district and the last day that we get to work together before she starts her new job on Monday.

We had a party for her where bittersweet words were spoken and goodbye cake was served. They gave her a beautiful plaque, thanked her for all her hard work and years of dedication, then stopped short of begging her to change her mind. The panic could be felt in the room though as the reality of her leaving and of the chasm of knowledge and professionalism she was leaving behind began to loom.

After all the tears my wife and I went home and opted to go out, do some shopping, and celebrate. We made it an early anniversary celebration, a celebration of her new opportunity, and a sort of make up date for all the long hours she’s been working. Part of me too is afraid of what next week will bring and I’m inclined to seize this time with her while I can.