August 2019 – Lisa Marie Blair

I arrived to my destination safe and sound yesterday morning and spent the rest of the day getting settled and enjoying time with my little sister. I’m here for her baby shower (which is later today) and since we didn’t grow up together, and since she is going through such a big life change, there is no end to all the things we feel we need to say.

We have a lot in common for two people born 6 years apart, lived miles and miles apart and were raised by different mothers, and are even now still living in different states with different cultures, norms, and climates. Genetics express more in us than I think many of us want to believe, or maybe it’s that I want to believe so badly.

The air here is hard to breathe. I’m used to high altitudes and dry air, but it the scenery gorgeous. There are trees everywhere and they aren’t like the trees in Colorado at all, these’re as tall as skyscrapers to me and breathtaking. I miss the Rocky Mountains for sure, but the greenery here is tempting me to stay.

I’m on the plane now flying somewhere over Kansas, or Missouri, or Tennessee maybe. My seat is awful, I can’t see out of the window and I have two men flanking me who are taking “man-spreading” to an extreme. It’s too early and too dark to read without getting a headache but too uncomfortable to sleep. Still, I love it. Take off is thrilling, like a roller coaster, and the little bit of turbulence we’ve encountered has been more exciting than scary.

I made it through security obviously but I did feel lost and airport personnel were visibly irritated with me, but I know it will be easier on the return trip. I have the hang of it now.

It’ll be less than 2 hours before we touch down now and 2 days before I’m back home again. I can’t wait for both.

Today is easy enough, so easy that I’m worried I’m doing something wrong. I’m working, sure, but I don’t exactly feel challenged, but I’m also not sure I want to be. I know that doesn’t make much sense. I guess I’m conditioned to believe work should be hard and stressful and when It isn’t I worry I’ll be perceived as lazy. At the same time, I love when work isn’t hard but I also feel like I’m missing out on opportunities or growth because I’m not constantly pushing myself if I wallow in the comfort.

Productivity is super confusing.

But it’s my last day before I take an extra, extra-long Labor Day weekend so I’m trying not to fret about it. I took off tomorrow for my trip, and Tuesday too for my wife’s birthday though we have no plans yet at all. I already gave her her gifts and I plan to pick up something for her while I’m in the Carolinas too but she deserves so much more so I’m keeping my schedule open for whatever she may want to do.

Halfway through the week now and a little over for me since tomorrow is my Friday. I’m writing to-do lists and tonight I’ll start packing for my trip. It’s just a weekend trip so it won’t take much, thank god, since I’m already freaking out enough as it is. I haven’t flown since I was a kid and though planes don’t scare me, airports do.

They are enormous and confusing places with rules and ways I don’t understand I am worried most about getting lost, taking too long to get through security, and missing my flight. I’m afraid of looking stupid in there.

Still, I’m excited and there is a big part of me that is not only looking forward to the experience but is also confident that I will get through it all just fine.

I’m anxious and tired and I can already tell it’s going to be a busy week, but it will be a short one too and that makes everything so much better. This weekend I will be on a plane and out-of-state, away from the chaos and cattiness. Still, I’m sad to go too. I’ll miss my wife terribly and I know that where I am going, I will be very out of place.

It will be an adventure though and perhaps the next one will be me and my wife together. I realized today we have never travelled together. Every time one of us goes there is come reason or complication keeping the other one at home. Next time, next time…

Today is the first day of the first step of my position change at work. Today I was taken off of my route, the route I have been doing for years with kids I have known for years and shifted to a standby packing, meaning I can fill in on routes that need it, but my real job now is to ride on routes with other drivers and assistants to make sure they are doing ok.

My goal is to help them do their jobs better and support them through tough situations and adjustments during a time when management is just too busy and bordering on too impatient.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to do more fulfilling work and I am especially excited to have so much choice and control over what I am doing, but damn is it scary! I’m doing my best to keep my cool on the outside but inside all alarms are sounding. I have only just begun to leave the comfort zone and already I feel overwhelmed and panicky, but I’m letting the alarms sound and still moving forward too. It will get better.

We actually made it up and out the door before 6:30 this morning for a long-awaited camping trip to Deer Creek for some hiking. I have missed hiking in general but this trail was our first, the one I miss the most, and the one we return to to “get back into it”. It’s perfect for training Lola on trail manners and easy enough we don’t get discouraged but hard enough that we work up a sweat and feel rather accomplished by the end.

We brought some goodies to reward ourselves with at the loops end. Cured salmon, cream cheese, and red onions on top of mini bagels and a few cans of hard cider made for a perfect trail brunch before the long drive home. We spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house and once the sore muscles and fatigue set and the heat of the afternoon crept into the house, there wasn’t much we could do but sleep through til evening.

I got no writing, no reading, and no lessons done at all.

What a perfect Sunday.

Today was fun! We got up intending to do a little shopping (some new running shoes, gifts and an outfit for a baby shower, and hiking snacks) but we ended up with a lot more including new books, new running shoes, and other clothes. We bought lunch while out and brought home Hawaiian barbeque for me and a big juicy impossible burger for her and a large selection of hard ciders for us both. Though I know there will be regret later spontaneous shopping sprees are the best!

Finally, it’s Margarita Friday!

Tonight we’re heading out to blow off some steam with a few friends over good food and strong drinks. It’s strange that we all used to work together and now more than half of us have moved on but we refuse to grow apart or to take our little couples group for granted. Being together is often just what we need no matter how tired or anti-social we may think we feel.

I’m in an anti-social mood today. People want too much from me and nothing they say amuses, educates, or enlightens. I’d love to run away now, far away from them all. I want silence and to sleep. I want to get away from myself too. I feel sorry for myself and disappointed in all aspects my life, but I won’t lift a finger to change any of it.

I don’t write that to be negative. I don’t enjoy spreading my misery around and I don’t think it makes for good writing or reflection either; I write it because seeing it in black and white puts it into perspective. Sharing it shrinks it and reminds me how silly and ungrateful I am behaving.

Some days my moods and my fatigue are out of my control, and some days I could the day into my own hands, change everything, and make what I really want out of it. The trick is knowing which days are which.