227 // The Problem

The Sunday blues have me feeling low, and my worries for the coming week are carrying me away. I’m having a hard time feeling the solid ground beneath my feet and putting one in front of the other is taking more energy than I have to give.

It’s all these little to do piling up. Some from home but more from work, and every time I check one off it seems two more getting added to the bottom. Prioritizing is difficult, but that is nothing new. I’ve always struggled to know where to begin and how exactly to end. I choose instead to do it all at once, moving from task to task as my mind wanders and my panic rises.

There will have to be a better way. I’m realizing that my goals can’t be met the way that I’ve been trying to meet them. The problem is with me, but not because of me. It’s just the way my mind works.

It comes down to personal flaws and obstacles that I’m only now coming to understand. It’s all the ways I turn out to be different and the false assumptions that I was the same. This ignorance may have hindered me. This ignorance has kept me from finding what works for me by not being able to see what doesn’t.

Today my workload is looking lighter than usual so I’m taking some time for myself and tackling a long list of small things that feel more like procrastination than productivity on a normal day but nonetheless need to get done.

I recently discovered Google Tasks and fell instantly in love so I’m migrating my Todoist lists over and now I have my mail, calendars, and to-do lists all in one place. While I am there, I’m filling out my editorial calendar, then creating drafts for my upcoming posts, and getting links together for the return of my “Weekend Reads” lists.

For the last two days, over lunch, I’ve been working on the first essay of my upcoming “Essay a Week” project. I’m following these steps but instead of writing 3,000 words in one day I’m spreading the work out over the course of one week. I’ve got my topic and most of my outline complete and I’ve even worked on step four in advance and have tons of quotes too. Tomorrow I’ll flesh out the intro and perhaps get a few random paragraphs I have already written in my head onto the screen.

For the late afternoon and evening, my goals are just to finish a few chores around the house and then read a big chunk of Notes from Underground. I am so close—and so ready!—to finally be done with this very boring but, I admit, very important book and to move on to something that feels more like an escape than a lean into the dreadful realities of human existence.