093 // Shifting Perceptions

Time has been passing and shifting in strange ways lately. It used to be that the days were long but weeks and months flew by before I knew it. Now, the days are short but the weeks and months are dragging. I’m not sure which I prefer but for better or worse a change is refreshing.

As I am aging, and I do consider myself to be aging now, I worry that there will be less and less change and nothing but more and more monotony to slog through. It’s nice to know that life is a perpetual puberty and my mind and body, as well as my place and perception, will always be changing in ways I cannot understand.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

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092 // Grateful for the Frustration

The week was going well until I was informed it would inevitably end on a hectic note. A new class of employees is starting and my team and I are needed to train and test them. It’s a bigger class than we’ve had in a while and that means more hours must be given up for the task. Hours I would normally spend reading or writing.

It’s hard to plan my weeks, make progress on projects, or reach goals when my schedule keeps changing so much, but maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m lucky to have any semblance of a routine to impact in the first place. I suppose there are people whose day-to-day is more chaos than calm every day. I wonder how they cope?

But, once again what frustrates me also serves to remind me how lucky I am, how far I have come, and how much I have to be grateful for.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

091 // I Can Move Again

Starting new medications means trading one set of side effects for another, and this causes the paradoxical condition of both feeling better and feeling worse at the same time.

My energy has returned, my joints so much feel better, and I’m no longer feeling bloated and heavy from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down to sleep at night. Instead, though I have rolling headaches and nausea, and sharper pains in the belly that come and go.

It’s hard to gauge whether one medicine or another leaves you better off or worse but for me and for this medication, the relief from joint pain alone is a godsend. Not only can I move again, but being still is no longer painful either.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

090 // Sunday Night Rage

As usual, the weekend flew by too quickly and, of course, I didn’t get to even half of the things I’d hoped. My next chance won’t be for another 5 days now and, at this moment, looking down the long length of those five days, I’m filled with righteous indignation. Five days of every week I must give up and just two are left over for me? Half of which I need to use is in recovering from the five!

Sunday nights and all the required preparation only remind me how bleak and pitiless this reality really is.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

089 // Me and Myself

I’m surprised by how much I’ve come to enjoy my time alone. Of course, I miss my girlfriend, and the dog is here to provide a sense of security, but the silence rather than being unsettling is quite calming and comfortable.

I used to hate being confined to my thoughts but slowly I’m becoming one of my own favorite people. I’m enjoying my own company and seeing the value in companionship with myself. Me and myself have finally, it seems, come to a place of understanding, non judgement, and embarked on a burgeoning friendship.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

088 // Disoriented

I finished Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude today and I have to say, no other book has ever left me feeling so disoriented and wretched (in the best possible way) as this one.

I was so enthralled by the Buendía family and so ensnared by Marquez’s writing I more than half believed it was all true. Not just the events but the wisdom and the warning of it all. I lived through those one hundred years and witnessed such fascinating and terrible events only to wake up to this reality. What a colossal disappointment in comparison.

This is both the reward and the agonizing pain of a damn good book.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

087 // Drab Day

Today was unremarkable and uneventful.

Normally when nothing happens time drags on, but today was different. Perhaps those long days are only boring days, much is happening but none of it is what we want to happen. And maybe this unremarkable and uneventful day flew by because what happened coincided perfectly with what I wanted to happen and it just turned out that none of it was particularly grand or compelling.

I had just the drab day I needed.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

086 // It Could Be Worse

I was finally able, after weeks of back and forth with my doctor, my insurance provider, the pharmacy, and the drug company, to get my medication and now I find myself almost too afraid to take it! They really should try to find gentler wording to use in those warning packets they give you the first time, you know?

I wish I felt comfortable enough to share the outrageous cost of the medication here but I will tell you that after ringing up the bottle the pharmacist simply started at the screen with a look that was equal parts confused and astounded.

He wouldn’t even speak and only after I told him he was worrying me and asked him to please explain the look on my face did he ask me what I normally paid for the medication. I told him that whatever the cost I wasn’t the one paying; it was the drug company, and he sighed relief on my behalf. When the price came up on the card reader, I understood his shock. Even if it wasn’t my money, it hurt a little to swipe that card.

No matter what I go through in this shit show of a healthcare system I am constantly reminded that it could be worse. I could have had to pay that price tag with my own money, and in all honestly, that price would have been many times larger if I didn’t have insurance at all.

I’m frustrated for me but I’m wholeheartedly sorry for those worse off. I hope change comes soon and we all get relief from this cruel and unnecessary bureaucracy.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

085 // If Only

Today was day 2 of the conference I’m attending through work and though I still can’t say I learned a lot of new things I can say I walked away with a lot to think about and even more to be optimistic about.

It turns out that despite what you may see on TV or read on social media; the world is still moving toward the good. Kids are going to schools that are more compassionate, understanding, and open than ever before and becoming more so every day.

They are learning more than just facts. They are learning who they are, not being told, and to exist firmly and wholly in a world with other people. It’s beautiful and bittersweet. If only these studies, these policies, and these teachers had existed when I was in school…sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

084 // Good People Are Needed at All Levels

Attended the first day of a “back to basics” conference my work sent me to and though I can’t say I learned a lot, it was eye-opening to meet with people from all over the state and to meet so many others who fill the same role I do in my district at theirs.

I sometimes feel alone, or unimportant in my position. I sometimes feel like my passions, my concerns, and my expectations for myself, my coworkers, and my department are too overblown and grandiose but today I met others who love what they do, take seriously what they do, and push themselves and their teams to do better because it’s the right thing to do and not because it will advance their careers. Quite the opposite in fact. They want to stay where they are because they understand the good people are needed at all levels.

That more than any new piece of information or concept has enlivened me and reawakened something I knew I had lost but thought I could never get back.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren