Week 40 – Lisa Marie Blair

Goals // Week 40: The Hard Thing

It’s been a while since I’ve last set down some intentions for myself and I have missed the motivation and the chance for accountability. More than that, I have always enjoyed keeping track of the way my goals shift and the way the things I want from myself change.

These past weeks have been hard on me, but my hope is that this will be the one in which the demands start to wane and the to-do list shortens. The calendar is already lighter than this time last week and I feel calm, focused, and strong.

I’ve been trying more than anything to be disciplined. To do the hard thing. To say no to myself, and to keep in mind what I want in the future and not what I want right now. Cravings are hard to curb and executive function is hard to muster in the moment, but I have been practicing and I’m getting better and better all the time.

With that being said, this week I will:

Keep reading. There are no number of pages to get through or a time limit I must meet. I just need to remember to read whenever I can, a little every day. My lunch hour is the perfect time to get a few paragraphs in, or a bit before bed—if I can manage to turn the TV off in time.

Reduce snacking. I’ve done a great job altering my meals to be more nutrient-dense, but snacking continues to be a problem. Intense cravings come on in the afternoon and I find myself reaching for cookies and candies with no will to resist. The key is to remove the temptation.

Wake up on time. Move your alarm across the room. Avoid hitting snooze. Turn on the lights. Drink some water. Get out of the bedroom! Do whatever it takes to give yourself enough time to adjust to the day to take each task one at a time. The extra time will make all the difference. Bonus: Use the extra time to meditate.

Spend an hour in the evening all on your own. Between the long work hours and the demands at home, there just never seems to be enough time for all the things I enjoy doing. My journals are neglected. I’m behind in my reading, and it’s been over a year since I’ve made anything with my hands. A little time every night to call my own is sorely needed.

This week I will not let social media get the better of me. It’s easy to lose track of time scrolling through timelines and laughing at silly videos but before you know it the sun has gone down and you’ve done nothing that makes you feel any good. You end the day filled with guilt and self-loathing. How could you be so weak? How could you give up so much of your time and attention?

I’m tired of the waste. I’m tired of being the product. I’m tired of algorithms and ads, controversy, and click-bait. My intention is not that there should be no joy, no laughter, no fun, but I want to find joy in the things that interest me, in the things I seek out, not the things that are fed to me. Not the things that are sold to me.

Goals // Week 41: A Hard Sell

This week is already long, and it’s only just hit noon on Monday. The problem this time isn’t having too much to do, quite the opposite actually. I had planned, or prepared anyway for an agenda scheduled to the brim but the powers that be many pay grades above have decided to move their pawns to another strategy and I must adjust, rearrange, and put off that preparation for a future week unforeseen.

So, this week I’m scrambling. I’m working to find other things to do, to dig up old forgotten projects, and to make myself at the least appear useful.

It might be easier if my mind wasn’t already focused on next week. For the first time I am taking fall break off and spending the week with family visiting from out of state. I’ve been looking forward to this visit and this time away for months, and that leaves this week looking bleak in comparison with my expectations of the next.

I’m bored already and my usual passion for my work seems to wane as the hours pass and I get closer to time I will get to call my own. This week is going to be hard to sell to myself, but I do have to get through it and I should find a way to enjoy it.

This week I will:

Meditate every morning. I’ve renewed this goal every week for over a month now, and every week I fail to return to the practice. This week I want to examine exactly why I am so avoidant. What is it in me that is getting in the way of doing this thing that I know benefits me at nearly every level from my anxiety, to my relationships, to my focus? Why do I deny myself this opportunity to improve my quality of life?

Spend more time at my desk. I did well last week making a little more time for writing and for exploring my ideas last week and this week all I want to do is carve out just a little more. It helps that I have been able to leave work a bit earlier than I used too but I still need to spend a little less time in the livingroom or scrolling social media and more time typing away at a few ideas and problems working their way around my brain.

Write an analog journal entry every night. Last week I started carrying three notebooks with me, two of which have already gotten extensive use, but the journal still sits untouched since at least last January. THis week I’d like to revive this private writing space and express those things that can only be expressed far from the judgement of other human beings.

Read a little every day. I’m falling further behind again and losing all the progress gained just one week ago. In my defense, reading is much harder to do when fatigue is laying in wait to drag you to dreamland the moment you stop moving and get comfortable. This week I’m going to utilize my lunch hour at work, when I’m not so tired and can retain more of what I’m taking in.

Write a newsletter. I’ve been working my way through the Science of Well-Being course on Coursera for some time now but have been stuck at week seven where the assignment is to commit to a habit change or two for four weeks straight. Many of the ideas presented are habits I’ve long incorporated into my daily practice, but looking at them in terms of what I have needed lately, I’ve decided that building social connections is the area I need to work on the most.

Since the pandemic started I have struggled more than ever to maintain my personal relationships. I have let long stretches of time pass between speaking to my friends and family. I have grown more introverted and private. I have isolated myself and fallen into a loneliness that’s grown too easy to live with. Besides reaching out to those close to me, I on being more vulnerable and accessible to strangers as well. Sending out a digital letter to the few followers I have seems a little more personal and, I hope, will lead to a deeper connection than a simple blog post.

If you want to be a part of this journey, you can subscribe to my Tinyletter, Every Now and Again.

This week I will not lose myself in anger or hopelessness. For months now I’ve tried to pull away from political news and current events, but every day there seems to be some breaking catastrophe or cruelty, and the cell phone alerts and updates from friends and family nearly always pull me back in. But as much as I want to be informed and as righteous as the outrage is, and as good as the speculation feels, I realize that none of it is very good for me, mentally. Not right now, anyway.

I’ve started to recognize the emotional manipulation that takes place when the news is reported. That isn’t to say I believe that the news is fake or misleading, I just think the facts are often reported in such a way that my attention is grabbed and heald and I’m sucked in to never ending negativity and fear, to anger and hopelessness, and I don’t want to feel that way all day, every day. This week I will refrain from watching live news reports or scrolling social media endlessly looking for more information, more “takes”, more opinions and arguments. The news will be there at the end of the day. I need not give it more attention than that.

Photo by Aldric RIVAT on Unsplash

Goals // Week 40: Amor Fati

This week is going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride of alternating work days scheduled to the brim with projects and classes and days with little more to do than wake up and walk in and while it sounds like a luxury to have any days at all where expectations are so low, there will be times when even that will be too much.

My health has been improving somewhat and in someways but fatigue is still a hard obstacle to overcome and worry over tasks that must lie undone until the next low burst of energy or fleeting moment of focus can cripple me with stress and guilt.

I have been suffering so long now with this flare up of symptoms though that I have decided, this week, I will move from hoping to return to some old normalcy or version of myself and my life I can recognize and start moving on toward a new life that is compatible with who I am now. I have to work with and sometimes around my body. I have to work through my emotions. I have to to make the most of my new insights and perspectives.

This week I will:

Meditate every morning. It’s been weeks since I last made time to be still, to breathe, to be present, and it’s really beginning to show. I find myself getting too easily swept up in the emotions of the moment or the problems of the past or future. I feel what control I’d gained over my perspective slipping. It’s time I get back to it and I regain the peace I’ve lost.

Spend more time at my desk. I spent a good portion of the weekend purging and reorganizing my “creativity room”. The space feels much more welcoming and conducive to writing, and I’m eager to make a little time every day to this little hobby and passion of mine. I have a pile of thought fragments and scraps of ideas to get to work on, and I’m excited to see where this system of reflection and writing might lead.

Take better notes. No more post-it notes and pieces of scrap paper! This week I will carry around three notebooks: a journal for writing about the day, a small notebook for recording more formal writing ideas, and a pocket notebook for all those thought fragments and raw ideas I don’t want to lose to forgetfulness. Bonus: Schedule time in your calendar to review each of these notebooks weekly.

Read a little every day. This past weekend I made a little headway toward catching up to my reading goals and now that I have this momentum I do not want to lose it. To make the goal easier to meet, I’ll make sure to keep a Penguin Little Black Classic on me to read during all those minutes between tasks and events that add up throughout the day.

Go for a walk or two. I’ve started seeing small signs of improvement in my health and healing journey, and I think it’s time I found my way back to physical activity. I have to be cautious and mindful not to push myself too far and undo all the progress I have made. Just three days this week, I’d like to get out and around the block with the dog.

This week I will not not feel sorry for myself. I will not get sucked into patterns of self pity and suffering because I focus far too much on the gap between my expectations and my lived reality. It’s okay to be sad. It’s not okay to wallow. It’s okay to be angry, it’s not okay to get stuck. This week I will work on acceptance and forgiveness, for myself, my body, and the universe at large. This week I will work to love my fate.

Photo by kyler trautner on Unsplash

Goals // Week 40

Read 100 pages of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky. I had been shooting for 200 a week but with my busy work schedule and the courses I’m taking I have to manage my expectations. 100 pages a week is less than 15 pages a day, totally doable!

Work on that little writing idea sitting in my drafts folder. It’s small enough that I can probably finish it in my spare time but big enough that I will feel accomplished and encouraged by it. It’s a good first step toward…taking another step. Just what I need.

Clean off my desk and create a reading space in the “creativity room”. I’ve had trouble starting on my art projects because the space I have for making things doesn’t feel conducive to making things. It’s cluttered, disorganized, and cramped. I have to get it straightened up if I want to stop avoiding it in favor of the livingroom. The reading space is just a bonus.

Regardless of comfort spend 20 minutes in there every night, and an hour in the early mornings on both Saturday and Sunday. The goal is to keep the expectations low, to just use what I have, to have fun, and keep all screens well out of reach.

Finish week seven of Modern & Contemporary American Poetry and week two and three of International Women’s Health and Human Rights. I’m already halfway through week seven of ModPo and all the readings and videos are done through week 4 for IWHHR. I just have to respond to the damn thought questions.

Jog for 20 minutes every other afternoon and in between do a simple 20 minute bodyweight workout. The mornings have gotten too cold and getting out of bed is harder than it was just a month ago. Physical activity will have to take place in the afternoons after work and before dinner. Keep hitting your step goals

Get out of the house this weekend. Lately I’ve been coming home Friday night, jumping into pajamas, and not going outside again until I’m on my way back to work Monday morning. It sounds nice but this can’t be good for my mental health.

This week I will continue to be mindful of the ways I spend my time, and, more importantly, the way I use my phone. I will not feel guilty about saying no. I won’t feel bad about making time for me, for doing the things I enjoy, or for enjoying things that other people don’t. I’m the one who has to face my failures at the end of the week.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 39.

Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash