Statuses

Uncertainty and panic are rising everywhere. The district I work for is sending emails and posting information like crazy. We have new signs in the bathroom about washing our hands. We have hand sanitizer bottles all over the place. Our buses are being disinfected in daily rotation and I have taken it upon myself to wipe down door handles and keyboards around the office at regular intervals.

Personally I’m not doing much differently. I work with children in an environment where the possibility of cleaning up body fluids or contracting contagious diseases is an ever present possibility. I’m just going to go on doing what I’ve been trained to do. The only thing that changed is before I did it automatically but now I’m mindful and painfully aware of what I touch around me and how often I touch my face. I’m working hard to break habits I didn’t even know I had.

I’m more aware of other people too and I’m noticing a new kind of bias for people who look like they don’t wash their hands. I’m more aware of what other people touch and of how they speak about the pandemic and the recommended personal protection measures. I’m unconsciously watching for and logging people who might be vectors for infection later based on cues that may or may not be correlations. I wonder it what other ways, big and small, this will change me.

I think we will all change in ways we can’t imagine or predict by the end of this.

This morning was tough. I knew it would be with the time change but on top of that I’m still not getting a good night’s sleep. My wife is still on the couch and her cough, even from there, is keeping us both up at night. So I’m running late, again. I’ve been late every day for almost a week now. I’m thankful that my job is understanding though I know soon I’ll reach the limits of their patience. I have to find a way to both get some sleep and to get a handle on my morning routine.

There was bad news almost immediately after I got to work. The school district I work for has cancelled all out-of-state travel for employees and students due to the novel coronavirus outbreak. That means the Texas trip I was scheduled to take next week, the trip I have been looking forward to for months, is not happening. I’m devastated.

I’m trying to maintain a positive perspective though. There is always next year and there are more important trips that have been cancelled too. I feel bad for the kids who probably worked hard and looked forward to trips all year and may never get to go now.

There was some good news today too. It appears the position my bosses had been working hard to create for me and my coworkers is finally finished and I am scheduled for an interview Friday morning! I’m excited and incredibly nervous. I’m excited for the chance to prove myself. I’m excited by the idea of finally getting to do more, and make more too, but I’m terrified of messing it up.

Everyone keeps telling me I have this in the bag, that there’s no way for me to mess this up but all i hear is that everyone expects me to be perfect and I know I am far from it. I know that if there is a way to fail, I will find it. I wish I knew better how to prepare. Still, no matter which way things end up I’ll be happy this is all finally over. EIther way it’s better than this waiting.

Daylight savings time begins here in the U.S. and it’s messing with me already. I know most people hate it but I kind of like it. As someone who works long hours I like that there will be some daylight left when I get home. It’s just the adjustment period that is hard. I know tonight will be a late night and tomorrow morning will be a rough one and my circadian rhythm

My wife is still very sick, so it’s up to me to get us both ready for the week ahead. I’m cleaning the house and taking care of the laundry and meal prep all on my own and though I’m happy to do it all and take care of her too, I am running low on energy. I don’t want to push myself too far. I’m trying not to get sick myself and the stress and exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well since she’s been sick either) isn’t good for my already crappy immune system.

Very little writing will get done and there is no time at all for reading. My books and ideas will have to wait. At least the weather is nice. I might not be able to spend the day in leisure and I may not be able to get out into the sun today but I can open up the house and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine. I can smile knowing I’m doing what needs to be done and taking care of the one I love the most.

The weather outside looks beautiful, almost summer like. The sun is calling me and I can hear the whole neighborhood coming to life just outside my windows but as much as I’d love to join them my wife and I are staying in today. She’s still so sickly I can’t allow her anything but rest and I am so worried about her I can’t allow even a moment away in case she gets any worse.

It’s ok though. I have all the windows open to air the place out and give her some fresh air. I’m nodding off on the couch and for the moment it feels like nothing in the world is important, pressing, or worrisome. I have nothing I have to do and nothing I want to do but this. Nothing else even exists, nothing but us, the sun, and time. I think Saturdays are my favorite days now.

Today was an especially boring day. I spent it watching a coworker teach CPR to the new employees. I was trying to pick up a few insights and tricks of the trade since I’ll be in class learning how to be an instructor myself in a little over a week. The class is long as it is but it’s especially long when you aren’t in the class nor teaching it either.

The good news is I no longer feel (quite) so anxious about my class. Most of it is videos and what’s left is reading from the book, answering questions, and making sure people are demonstrating the breaths and compressions properly. I think I can do all that just fine. That isn’t to say it looks easy. It just doesn’t look any harder than what I’ve already been doing, anyway. I think I got this.

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Some times the boring, idle days are more tiring than the busy, stressful days. I did very little today and even made it home earlier than usual and somehow I am exhausted. I can barely muster the energy to get off the couch to change out of my work clothes let alone cook dinner or clean anything.

My wife is still fighting off a nasty cold, and it’s up to me to take care of everything. She may have to settle for getting dinner delivered and an early bedtime for both of us. Another wild Friday night.

My poor wife is at home sick. She had hoped to make it through the season unscathed but it appears no one’s immune system is strong enough to beat this bug. I had it a few weeks ago, and it’s made the rounds through most of my coworkers and friends already too. She lasted longer than most.

I left her at home so I could work today. I wanted to stay with her but I know she doesn’t really need me there. What she needs it time to rest and sleep and if I were there, I would only hover and irritate her. No, it’s better to be away for a while then come home to take care of her all evening then make sure she gets her meds and goes to bed early.

I imaging its hard to be sick right now without worrying what you might have. The symptoms of COVID-19 are so similar to a cold or bout with the flu that anyone with a little cough or the sniffle worries what they might have and those around them begin to panic. The chances that any of us have contracted the coronavirus is very low, but those numbers seem to be growing. I’m not nearly as afraid of the disease as I am of the panic building all over the globe.

So I’m staying away from people in general both to stay healthy and because I honestly tired of talking about it. I’m tired of the uninformed and irrational opinions. I’m tired of the constant updates on where outbreaks are occurring and how many more people have tested positive or died. I’m tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, and wondering if I am doing enough to prepare. I’m tired of the low level fear.