Author: Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

191 // 365

The summer is more than half over now, but instead of letting the looming end depress me, I’m feeling a sense of pride this time. This summer has been my summer. Nothing particularly big has happened. On the surface, my life looks nearly the same as it did in the spring, but something is different, something unseen, in me. Life suddenly feels deeper, wider, and more real. I’ve changed. I continue to change into myself.

I’ve been reading again. It’s been my goal for a while to read more from Kazuo Ishiguro, so I picked up Klara and the Sun. I made time to delve into Octavia Butler’s amazing work by starting with Parable of the Sower and its sequel Parable of the Talents. Most recently, I finished Pageboy by Elliot Page, which has opened me up in ways I imagine will take several posts to get through. Before the summer is over, I’m determined to read Spare from Prince Harry and finally find my way through Yan Lianke’s The Explosion Chronicles.

I started working out intensely. For years I’ve wanted to simply “get healthier”. I managed in half starts and half-assed attempts because it’s hard, but for reasons having less to do with health anymore and more and more every day to do with gender expression it’s become a goal to find a body I can feel more comfortable in. I’m grateful to have friends who, for entirely different reasons, are on the same path to push me in the most loving and hilarious ways.

My online life is being restructured. Blogging has come in starts and stops over the last few years but as I resettle into myself and reacquaint myself with my passions and possibilities, I find myself wanting to begin again. I’d hoped to turn this place into a sort of commonplace book with my own words mixed with words from others that have inspired me. Turns out I hate that. So, with the slow and agonizing death of Twitter and my reluctance to learn a new platform—it’s back to Tumblr I go.

In addition, I’m falling in love with the platform Are.na. Most of what I post there ends up on Tumblr and vice versa, but Are.na allows me room to think, to connect, and to explore in more methodical ways. It’s where I would like my ideas to begin, to germinate, and to grow before I bring them here.

Writing-wise things are going…okay. Near the end of 2022, I was offered a chance to write for the We’re Not Really Strangers community. I worked on both the expanded Self Love game, helped develop the Anxiety edition, and submitted questions, reminders, and threads for their social media platforms. It’s been as much fun as it has been stressful, with moments of exhilarating pride and cutting self-doubt.

Recently though my work with them has reduced, which, even though I’m sad about it, might just the blessing I need. Writing for someone else made me realize (remember) how much I want to write for myself, in my own voice. I want to break the rules. I want to be wordy and confrontational. I want to write from where I am, where I have been, from what hurt me. I want to say things that might make people want to turn away.

Personally, I am so happy it scares me. My marriage is as solid as ever. My friendships are deepening. My identity is a place I finally feel safe to explore fully. My day job continues to fulfill me and I have the best team of coworkers anyone could ask for. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some great pain to come and tear my life and my heart apart. Life always swings back. The universe corrects. Still, and so, I am taking in all the love I can get and finding new ways to give it now that I am surrounded by so many people who will allow me to.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have problems. That doesn’t me I don’t have a long way to grow still. Some things I’m working on now are: setting boundaries, making time to do things that are just for me, and continuing to cope with what I now know is anxiety, ADHD, and quite possibly CPTSD. How I’ve managed to keep my ulcerative colitis from flaring again is a miracle I can’t explain and how I’ve coped through family crisis after family crisis is a testament to the chaos I’ve learned to live with and the strength it took me to do so.

This post went on longer than I wanted it to as they tend to when I attempt to return. I want to end here bybeing honest, with myself most of all. No promises are being made here. No expectations are being set, only intentions, only expressions.

I want to write again, but I admit I don’t always know how I can. Turning these ideas, fragments, mere sparks into posts is a task I have not mastered yet. What I give myself here is permission. I am allowed to write anything I want, in whatever form, for whatever length, and as often and as not as feels right for me. It only has to be mine.

123 // Already Exhausted

I woke up already exhausted by the day ahead. After the alarm sounded, the most I could manage was a few steps toward getting ready for work before I was back in bed. I’d lost control of my body. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I couldn’t convince my feet forward, and the longer I lay there, the harder it got to change course. After a while, I was forced to accept that I just couldn’t do it. I stayed home.

I’ll admit I probably could have toughed it out, but I saw no benefit in doing so. I’ve come to a point in my life where I know that forcing myself through a bad day there is no way around won’t make anything better, least of all me.

If it had just been mental or emotional fatigue, I could have talked myself through it like I have been doing for a while, but maybe because I had been pushing myself too often already, my body stepped in and forced me to take a break.

I hate the term “mental health day”, though some might call what I did exactly that. I have noticed I’m not the only one who finds it hard to find the want on occasion, but what I see is people taking these “mental health days” and coming back as burned out and bad-tempered as they were before.

It’s rare that one day is enough of a break to relieve enough stress to change your perspective or renew your motivation and unless you spend it doing something that actually helps you’ll come back to your day-to-day feeling worse.

What helps is reflecting on what led to these feelings. When I thought about it I realized I’d been neglecting my mental health lately. My body had been trying to tell me in a kind and whispered way and I didn’t pay attention, so now it’s screaming.

This is why I have been so tired. This is why the tension in my neck has been giving me migraines. This is why my stomach has been hurting. This is why my mind feels scattered and full of fog. I’m stressed out. I am overwhelmed. I am anxious and quite probably depressed. I hear you. I hear you!

So I started today by sleeping. Sleep is the best way to heal your body fast and when I felt better in my body, I felt around in my mind for what I need to get back to myself today.

I spent the afternoon doing things I wanted to do and not feeling at all bad for not doing all the things I should be doing. I spent time on my blog. I wrote in my journals and notebooks. I listened to all the podcasts I have been saving for later. I talked to my sister. I made a lot of tea and the season’s first batch of cold brew coffee.

Then I thought about what I will need to feel less stressed and more fulfilled going forward.

What’s made the burnout so hard to see is that on the surface of my life, I really am happy overall. I’m married to the love of my life. I do good work that pays well. I even have a side job that speaks to my passions. I have friends that I enjoy spending time with and family that make me feel good about the life I have built for myself. What more could I need?

The problem is a lot of what I have in life leaves me with very little time for doing things that are just for me. I love my job, but it’s for someone else. I love my side hustle, but it’s also work I do for someone else. I love my wife, but marriage is rife with compromises. I love my friends and family, but the social expectations take a lot out of me.

When do I belong only to myself? When am I free? What do I do that is just for fun, or for nothing else other than it makes me feel good?

I don’t know how to fix it yet, but I do know what the problem is and that is a critical step toward a solution. I feel better already and knowing that it isn’t what I already have in life that is the problem, but something else entirely that I am missing makes it easier to return to my life of obligations and blessings both.

Suddenly, I’m hopeful and excited about tomorrow again.

She Decided

“Her nervous system had been through so much. She decided to spend the rest of her life calming the inflammation. Thoughts, feelings, memories, behavior, relations. She soothed it all with deep, Loving breaths and gentle practices. The softer she became with herself, the softer she became with the world, which became softer with her. She birthed a new generational cycle: Peace.”

— Dr. Jaiya John, Fragrance After Rain

Opportunities for Self-Deception

“I’m interested in memory because it’s a filter through which we see our lives, and because it’s foggy and obscure, the opportunities for self-deception are there. In the end, as a writer, I’m more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.”

— Kauzo Ishiguro