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I’m feeling much more productive today than I was yesterday. I got up a little later than I meant to, but I got started right away on cleaning and marking off a few persistent items from my to-do list while my wife ventured out to find us some groceries.

It took her two stores, and she still didn’t find any toilet paper. We aren’t low, and she may try again in the morning. She also had to stop by her job for a few things to continue working from home. It terrifies me every time she leaves the house, but we need things. We have no choice.

Soon I will work on writing something and perhaps, if I don’t wear out my will or motivation, I’ll get around to finishing one of these damned books I’ve been struggling with for months.

Today marks 90 days into the year and nearly the end of another month. Who would have thought the year would turn out like this? Who would have thought the Spring would bring such tidings of fear and death? I always think I’m being over dramatic or weak, but every day the numbers of infections, hospitalizations, and deaths increase and the projections and predictions grow more dire.

I hate being stuck inside. I’m bored and irritable, but it’s the only place I feel safe now.

Goals // Week 14: Find a Way to Stay Sane

This week will marks our third of social isolation. I had hoped it might get easier as time went on and as I settled into acceptance and a new routine, but it has only gotten harder. I am surprised to find I do not have the urge to leave or to find things to do, but rather I’m fighting a strong desire to sink further and further into apathy and lethargy. I’m also experiencing irritability and mood swings and a new kind of anxiety that, though it is duller and less defined, is quite large and widespread. This week I expect things will get harder not just for me but for everyone, everywhere and we will all have to find a way to stay sane through it all.

This week I will:

Practice more self-care. When you have nowhere to go, it’s easy to let yourself go. For me work has always been my reason to wake up on time, to shower, to get dressed, to do my hair. Without the prompt of going to work, I found I simply forgot that I still needed to do those things. It will be late in the day when I remember I’m still wearing pajamas and haven’t eaten anything at all. This week I want to start a new “wake up” routine in which I carefully and deliberately take care of my basic needs before doing anything else.

 Teach the dog to roll over. The dog has been loving all the extra walks, extra play time, extra attention and cuddle time she’s been getting and I figure why not take it a step further and make it extra learning time too? She already knows sit, lay down, stand up, turn around, shake, back up, jump up, fetch, and “drop it”, but roll over has eluded her. She loathes to be on her back and most of my efforts so far to teach her have resulted in confusion and frustration for us both. I have a new technique though and I think this week we just might get it.

 Be more active and see more of the sun. The mornings are still too chilly to get back to my old jogging habit but the afternoons have been warming by the day and are just as good a time as any for me to get out and around the neighborhood. I’ve been too cooped up and though I crave to sink further into this isolation, the best thing I can do for my mood and spirit is to remember there is still a wide world out there to return to. I need to get out of this house and out of my head, and the only way is to grab the dog and spend some time in the sun and spring air.

Spend time away from screens. I had been doing a commendable job curbing my obsessive consumption of news in an effort to quell my anxiety but over the last few days I’ve slipped back into my old bad habit of watching, scrolling, and searching for updates all day long. These devices are just too tempting to misuse, and it’s too easy to make excuses to get around my own rules and boundaries. This week I will set up a schedule for screen time and tie that I am to put away my devices and find more analog things to do with my time.

Finish reading It by Stephen King and book eight from my Penguin Little Black Classics book set, A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. I’ve been getting a lot more reading time in these past couple of weeks, and I cannot let myself lose the momentum. I have just over 100 pages to go now for It and less than 10 for A Modest Proposal. Those are both entirely reachable goals for the week. If I keep up this pace, I’m sure to catch up and ultimately get ahead of where I should be by now if I want to beat my 50 book challenge for the year. Bonus: Finish book nine too, Three Tang Dynasty Poets.

Get more cleaning done. I have been lax about disinfecting the house, especially after either my wife or I has left and come back or after bringing in items from the store or having items delivered to the house. I’ve read a lot of different timelines for how long the novel coronavirus can live on various surfaces but the CDC had a handy page of guidelines for how to clean different type of surfaces and materials and recommends going over “high touch” areas daily. The is the second most important thing I can do for my family right now, the first is to…

Stay home. It’s hard to stay in and when we start feeling cabin fever coming on and loneliness creeping in we make excuses for why it’s okay to head out for a little non-essential travel. I’ve seen videos of people visiting friends and family and congregating far too closely in public spaces. I’ve been guilty myself of going to stores not just for groceries but to simply browse the aisles, anything just to get out of the damn house! But doing these things puts us all at risk and the truth is no matter what your gut tells you it just isn’t worth it.

This week I will not let the walls close in. This past week the President announced that the CDCs social distancing recommendations would be extended through the month of April and I have serious doubts I will return to work before the summer. That means I have to make peace with this seclusion and find a way to joy and fulfillment within this tiny space. I have to learn to self start, self motivate, and self sooth. I have to get used to not having time away, or alone. I have to use my imagination and to start where I am using whatever I have on hand.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 13.

Photo by Jason Krieger on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Holding My Breath

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. 

Sundays are turning out to be the hardest days of the week. The others run together now. I do nothing but what I have to and what I have the energy for, but expectations still exist on Sundays, expectations I can’t meet. I got up early enough, and I made an effort to take care of myself first. I’ve showered, dressed, and eaten, that’s more than I do most days now already, but what else should there be to the day? When Mondays are no longer Mondays, it’s hard for Sundays to feel much like Sundays should. Still, somehow, the chores and weekly preparations help, and copious amounts of coffee and a friendly chat will get me through.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The sun is shining outside, but the air is still chilly. It’s not quite far enough into the spring to prompt the switch to cold brew so I’ve got the usual, light roast grounds (packed with a little extra caffeine kick) stepping in the French press and frothy sweet oat milk to smooth it out. Let’s talk about last week.

“Coffee meant something to people. Most found their lives were miserable without it. Coffee was a lot like love that way.”

― Sarah Addison Allen, The Peach Keeper

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that every week this month has been harder than the last, and this past week was no different. 

The entire state of Colorado is now under a stay-at-home order. Not much has changed for my wife and I since we’ve been sheltering in place since the schools closed for an “extended Spring break” weeks ago. This week we had to go out three times, and each time it was healthcare-related. I had to be seen for severe pain. (Don’t worry, I’m okay now.) I had to go to the clinic for my regular infusion, and I had to head to the pharmacy to pick up medication.

Each time I took every precaution but to be honest it terrified me to be in what, to my mind, is the most likely place to pick up the virus. Thankfully, I should not have to go out again for anything healthcare-related for another month at least! 

Grocery shopping continues to be a source of anxiety. We’re no longer going on the weekends and instead are planning on trying to get what we need throughout the week. We’ve, thankfully, got enough toilet paper to get us through the coming week, but food stores are always only planned for a week out. I’m constantly worried we won’t be able to get what we need due to other’s panic buying or that the supply chain will collapse and there will be nothing for anyone to buy.

I’m a little less worried about my loved ones. More of them have been given the opportunity to work from home this past week, and some of those that have found themselves temporarily unemployed have been able to find work. They are all still feeling well too, but knowing that symptoms can take anywhere from 2 to 14 days to show after exposure means I’m holding my breath, playing the waiting game, and hoping that we all stay well.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that figuring out how to spend my days, how to fend off boredom, restlessness, and irritability have become foremost in my mind.

I’m happy and thankful to have my wife and my pets here with me. I think if I had to isolate on my own, I would be a lot looser with the guidelines. I wouldn’t be able to help myself from going out, from seeing family, from the urge to be near people. I’m glad to have a home that is warm and loving, but the place isn’t very big and there are moments when the walls close in and suddenly we are on top of each other. It’s helped to make use of other rooms. It helps to wear headphones and escape. It helps to make sure the time we are together is quality time and not just time spent next to one another, but in wholly different worlds. 

I’m surprised to find that the longer this goes on, the more I miss not just my close friends but even acquaintances and strangers. Humans truly are social creatures and even those like me who consider themselves to be on the introverted side of the spectrum need to feel the presence and sense of peace and protection that comes from being around large groups of people. I miss work. I miss my favorite stores. I miss movie theaters and restaurants not for the places themselves but for other people frequenting those places. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that from day to day I am slowly developing a new routine, but it has been hard not to be dictated by cravings and mood swings. I’m had to go back to setting alarms to make sure I not only wake up early enough to make use of the day but to go to bed early enough that my circadian rhythm won’t receive too much of a shock whenever the world does return to normalcy and I return to work. 

Setting reminders to do things like eat or take medication helps too. It has helped not to wear pajamas all day, and to spend an hour or more unplugged and cleaning or completing projects. I’ve been taking care of my houseplants, re-potting, diving, propagating, and fertilizing them all in turn. They are all loving the attention and I’m seeing fresh growth all throughout the house. I’ve been reading a lot too. A few weeks ago the end of It by Stephen King felt impossibly far away, but today I have only a little over 150 pages left! 

I’m slowly making my way through all seven seasons of Star Wars: The Clone Wars and re-watching some of my favorite movies to keep from obsessing over the news all day. For now, I’m allowing myself a quick catch up in the morning and I watch New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s press conference, which I have found infinitely more informative and reassuring than anything the President has to say. In the evening I check in with our local news and hear any updates from our own Governor Jared Polis, who I think is doing a wonderful job leading our state.

I’ve decided that checking any other outlets or reading any other speculative pieces only adds to my feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and fear. I don’t need opinions or maybes right now. I want facts. I want a plan. I want to know what is being done and what I should be doing only. If you are feeling the same, I suggest you adopt a media diet like mine. It may be bland, but at least it’s nutrient dense.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that by the next time that we chat it will be a whole new month. Time is passing fast now and faster the longer we live in this isolation. It’s comforting, knowing that, come what may, we are moving quickly toward some kind of end. It’s terrifying too, for the same reason.

This morning Cuomo said that everyone is afraid, even those who must man the front lines and risk their lives to care for the sick and keep society intact. He meant to reassure us all that the way we feel is normal. He meant to make us feel a little less alone. We may be separated now but this worry, this fear, and this end, whatever it looks like, unites and connects us all.

I’ve been thinking, or hoping rather, that all this disruption, and fear, and death won’t be in vain. I’ve been thinking about all that has changed and all that could stay “changed”, if we wanted it to. I hope that when we finally begin to see the light at the end of this tunnel and are allowed again to return to each other, we stay as united as we are now that we have to be so isolated. I hope we remember not just what is important, but who. I hope we rethink everything now that the flaws in our institutions and economics have been laid so bare.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that doing nothing turns out to be the most exhausting activity of all. I’ve been allowing myself one short nap a day, should I need it, and it seems I always end up needing it after all.

I hope you had a good week. I hope social distancing hasn’t been too hard. I hope you have the food and necessities that you need and that you and your loved ones are well. I hope you know I’m here for you, and if you are one of the many deemed essential and have been asked to risk your own health for us all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Until next time.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Dmytro Davydenko on Unsplash

If you’re looking for this week’s song, from now on I’ll be adding them under the “music” tag rather than in the Weekend Coffee Shares.

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Today is another do nothing day. My wife is up and about cleaning the house and getting things done while I lay on the couch surrounded by warmth and guilt. This is exactly what I have been trying not to give in to. It’s too easy to do nothing when you know you don’t have to do anything and it’s hard to do anything when all the bad surrounding you is so much bigger than any good you could do or make.

I know it isn’t good to let thoughts like this fester but I also know the limits of my willpower and though I may have lost the battle with myself today the war wages on. We all need a day to wallow and perhaps it only normal and not worth beating myself up over. Sometimes the way to win is to give in, you know? What I mean is, I can’t change how I feel today, but I know accepting it will help me go a long way toward a better outcome tomorrow.

Until then, stay safe, all of you.

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One of my medication is on a national back order. That means I can’t have it shipped to my house, and rather than a 3-month supply, I can only get one at a time. That means taking more risks. I’ll have to go into the pharmacy and more often too.

They have medical personnel just inside the entrance to the pharmacy asking everyone who enters whether they have symptoms of Covid-19 or if they have been in contact with anyone who has symptoms. They’ve also started taking people’s temperatures as they enter, too. I got through the line, making sure to stay 6 feet away from the person in front of me, and when I received my medication, the pharmacist looked at me solemnly in the eye and told me to stay safe. It was unnerving, but somehow comforting too.

We’re in this together. We understand the stakes and we wish one another safety. That’s all we can wish for one another now.

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The only thing worse than being stuck inside is being stuck inside on a cold and gloomy day. I hear we’re going to be getting a bit of rain and maybe snow but since we haven’t had the need, or ability, to go anywhere I haven’t been playing very close attention to the weather reports. All I know is I can’t even open the widows for a bit of fresh air. Some days social distancing is harder than others.

My wife has her first video conference for work today. I’m strangely a little jealous. I can hear them laughing, showing off their pets, and just talking. I haven’t talked to anyone outside of my close friends and family in weeks. I miss acquaintances and even strangers. I miss feeling important or useful. I suppose I just have to accept that I am not, in fact, an essential worker.

On the other hand, debt collection agencies have been deemed essential businesses, so perhaps the term is super subjective.

Since we can’t go to the movies, we’ve started doing movie nights at home on Fridays. Tonight we are watching Emma. I read the book a long time ago, but I’ve never watched a movie adaptation, unless you count Clueless, which I’ve seen approximately a million times.

This version reminds me very much of Clueless and, unfortunately because of the generation I was born in and the cognitively vulnerable of the time it was released makes it forever the superior adaptation in my mind. I should have chosen to watch Little Women instead, but I was worried I’d feel the same way. How could there be a better Jo March than the one played by Winona Ryder?

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It feels like it’s been months rather than weeks since I last had to get up and get anywhere on time. Today is my infusion appointment. My third out of the first four they call the “loading doses”. Getting out of bed and then getting ready was difficult. I’m just not used to it anymore but at least we were able to leave the house a bit later this morning knowing that there would be minimal traffic on the roads.

I’m hear now and about halfway through the bag of medication. I’m not in the small windowless and cramped room they had previously shoved quick infusion patients like me into. No, I’m back out in the big open room, but it’s not as cheery as usual.

The blinds are drawn and there is no sun or mountain views from my comfy recliner, and the place nearly empty. The nurse working with me explained that most infusions have been cancelled to reduce spread of the virus. Only chemotherapy, inflammatory bowel, and other patience who are relying on this place to keep them at optimal health are allowed in now. I’m ashamed that made me feel important.

I hope by the time I come back at the end of May things will be a little more like normal again and though that means I’ll most likely be back in what my wife calls the “broom closet” for my infusion I need the sun and the people, the smiles and cheer. This place, though by definition is a sad one, has paradoxically always been a source of encouragement to me.

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It turns out Wednesday’s are the most boring day of the week, whether you are in social isolation or you are working. We have nothing going on and nowhere to go to change that. The weather is gorgeous at least, and we can have the windows open. We can bring the outside in since we are avoiding bringing ourselves out.

It’s the time of day when I allow myself to check in with the news. I’ve been obsessive about the local news lately and have created a list on Twitter for Colorado news outlets and political institutions and organizations only. It seems the rumors I was reading were true and beginning tomorrow morning the entire tri-county area will be under a “shelter in place” order. Not much will change for my wife and I. Since schools closed down weeks ago, we’ve been socially distancing longer than most. We only leave for groceries or to walk around the neighborhood, and tomorrow, to take me to my infusion appointment.

I’m noticing a disturbing trend in which the President says a lot of things that cause panic and incur criticism, but it seems he has very little influence over what is actually happening in the real world. He’s talking about reopening businesses and sending people back to work while our political leadership here doubts the school year will resume before summer. I’ve decided not to even listen to the President during this time and to receive information and take guidance from my local leaders, Governor Cuomo (who has been conducting daily thoughtful and encouraging press conferences), the Center for Disease Control, and the World Health Organization.

I’d advise you all to do the same.