If We Were Having Coffee // A Little Claustrophobic and Crazy

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I was up early this morning, but my internal clock is so thrown off it took me a while to get moving. I’m so thrown off by the social changes, cancellations, and disruptions that I can’t grasp what I should be doing. I suppose that’s because there isn’t anything I should be doing. This is the most relaxed Sunday I’ve ever had. For the first time there is no Monday to plan for, to panic over, to resent or look forward too. There is no beginning to the week and no end, there is no order. I’m free floating this Sunday and I’m not sure at all how I feel about it.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. Everything else may be uncertain, but there is still coffee to ground us. In an effort to hold tight to the familiar I’m brewing the usual: blond roast grounds steeped in the French press with frothed sweet vanilla oat milk to sweeten and temper. Let’s talk about last week!

“Sometimes when you had nothing at all and it was raining and you were alone in the flat, it was wonderful to know that you could have something even though it was only a cup of black and bitter coffee.”

― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was chaotic and completely disorienting.

Most of the week was spent worrying about the novel coronavirus outbreak, both at home and at work. My wife and I are both at-risk or vulnerable individuals. She has asthma, and I have a chronic condition that requires medication to suppress the immune response. She’s already been fighting off a tough respiratory infection, and I’ve had to fight to stay healthy on both fronts. I’m shocked I haven’t caught anything…yet.

At work we started the week by putting out hand sanitizer and hanging new signs in the bathrooms. Then we started disinfecting the buses on a daily rotation and wiping down surfaces, keyboards, and door knobs multiple times a day. By the end of the week though the virus had become more widespread and prevention seemed too big a task to handle so the district I work for and the surrounding districts all announced they would be extending Spring break by a week or more.

I honestly think the district did the right thing. Even if we could have prevented the virus from spreading through our ranks, the panic was rising to levels just as dangerous. We could not effectively do our jobs with all the time required, for cleaning and covering routes would become too great a task as more and more employees opted to use their paid leave to stay home.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I feel incredibly lucky to have been given this time off. Normally I work straight through Spring break but the district has said no one, absolutely no one, can come into their buildings during this time. I’m also very lucky that the district has agreed to pay me during this time off too. It won’t be as much as I usually make, but it will be something and that is so much better than what many people will get during this crisis.

Actually, now that I think about it, it might turn out to be more than I would normally get paid! On Friday, even though the district was preparing for the closing and everyone was busy cleaning, my boss agreed to go ahead with interviews for the new job position they had been working on putting together for me and my team. I won’t say it was the best interview I could have given, but I did well enough and have been doing well enough in my current position that they offered me the job!

The only problem is, the pay hasn’t been finalized so though I will get back paid for this time I am off; I have no idea right bow what the hourly rate is that they will be paying me at. I’m not complaining though. I know it will be more than what I’m making now.

I’m very excited to start this new journey. Much of the job expectations and responsibilities are in flux and my time and I will essentially be “making it up” as we go along. I’ll get to go on doing what I love and to start doing more of what I have been dreaming of doing too. I’m proud of myself, and my whole team for finding a way to make our voices heard and for pushing and pushing and pushing until we got what we knew we deserved. I’m also beyond grateful to work for people who push me and who see my potential and believe in me even when I don’t.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that at first the idea of having two weeks in a row (at least) away from work sounded wonderful, but two days into this forced “staycation” and I am already feeling listless and lost. I’ve never had this much time off of work, and I’m not sure how to spend it, but I do know that I don’t want to waste it. I want to spend it doing all the things I always say I’d rather be doing when I’m at work. I’d rather be writing. I’d rather be reading. I’d rather be spending time at home, with my wife, with the dog. I’d rather be completing projects. I’d rather be sleeping.

So, that’s the plan, and the prayer is I don’t lose sight of that and waste this precious gift. Starting today, I’m back in my “creativity room”. I’ve been working on my “calendar, to-do list, and log book” strategy I adapted from Jeff Huang using Google docs and calendar. So far it’s working. So far I have been able to keep on top of tasks, events, and thoughts without the system itself becoming a time suck. I plan to write a proper and thorough post about my system once I’ve been at it for a few months and have worked out all kinks and worked in all the tweaks to make the system work for me.

My hope is that the system will keep me on track and motivated during this time of directionlessness.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that social distancing is going to be a lot more difficult to achieve than it would seem on the surface. Normally when I am off I savor the time to be away from people but looking ahead to all the alone time, the time cooped up; the time staring at these walls is making me feel a little claustrophobic and crazy. People need people and though my wife is here with me, I know we’ll eventually get tired of one another. People need other people, you know?

Yesterday we ventured out to the grocery store for snacks and other inessentials, to see the state of the world, and to be among other people. I know the risk we took and the risk we put other people at, but apparently there is a difference between choosing to stay indoors and being forced to stay indoors and the latter quickly becomes unbearable.

We brought hand sanitizer, used wipes for surfaces and carts, avoided standing too close to others, and were careful not to touch our faces until we were safely back home and had washed our hands thoroughly. It was good to get out, but it was nerve-wracking too. I may have gotten it out of my system for the next few days at least.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I already had a couple of appontments and events scheduled for this week and though it was a hard choice to make I’ve decided to honor them as long as the establishments I’m patronizing are open.

I have a CPR Instructors course on Tuesday that is, according to the Training Center’s website, still on. There are additional precautions and guidelines being observed. As soon as I enter, I will have to wash my hands and before going into any rooms I will be required to use hand sanitizer. I’ll have my own pocket mask and one-way valve and will have to use gloves and alcohol during the class itself. I almost wish they would just cancel class rather than require all these extra steps.

After the class, I have tickets to a St. Patrick’s Day movie event at my favorite theater. I’m debating whether or not to call and ask for a refund, but we have been looking forward to this for a long while now. The theater sent out an email earlier in the week with all the extra precautions they are taking right now including sanitizing the arm rests and tables between showing and all door knobs and surfaces throughout the day. I plan to bring my own wipes and more hand sanitizer along too.

After Tuesday I will probably adhere to stricter social distancing guidelines but so much has already been cancelled for me that I can’t, I won’t, give up any more unless I have too.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has moved on to the west windows and though I have nowhere I have to be and no work week to prepare for, there is still a lot I want to accomplish. The house needs the same cleaning and it wouldn’t hurt to start the week with the same preparations. I can’t let myself stray too far from the usual routine, you know?

I hope you had a good week. I hope you and those close to you are well. I hope you have the luxury of working from home, or of not working at all during this outbreak. I hope you have someone sweet to isolate yourself with and if you don’t I hope you know you can always reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

Until next time.

Jumping Off the Moon // Mac Ayres

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Starting today, I’m severely limiting my access to social media and the news, especially any updates concerning the novel coronavirus and COVID-19. Lately I’ve been obsessed, scrolling endlessly on my phone while CBSN loops in the background. It’s become very unhealthy and quite detrimental to my well being. I’m going to spend this time reading, writing, and planning. I’m going to spend it resting. I’m going to spend it with my wife. We’ll watch movies, shows, rest, and maybe get a few house projects done too.

Even with a plan, it’s hard to know how I should spend the days. Most weekends I savor my time for rest. When you know you have to go back to work in the next few days lounging on the couch is a treat, a craving, a guilty pleasure and an essential part of self-care but when you know work is two weeks away or more, the burden of the foreseeable boredom weighs on you in the present and suddenly doing something, anything, becomes paramount in your mind.

So, we ventured out into the world to pick up a few things. Luckily, we aren’t in need of any real essentials. We wouldn’t be able to get them if we did. Instead, we just needed some soy milk and orange juice, snacks, some pasta for dinner, a bottle of wine and a bottle of whiskey. I think we’re set for the next few days with that. We’ll try for more on Monday when most people have gotten their weekend shopping out of the way and returned to work.

Many of the shelves were bare, but it honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was nerve-wracking to be out. Every surface is unclean, and every person is a potential source of infection. You avoid touching things or walking too close to others. You become hyperaware of what your hands and your face as you try to remember not to rub your eyes or scratch your nose. The air quickly becomes hard to breathe. I didn’t stay out long, I couldn’t, and as soon as I got home I washed my hands thouroghly and wiped down most of our hard surfaces.

The threat is in the house and outside of the house now and whether I am in or out I am afraid. I hope this all ends soon, but all indication and predictions say it’s only the beginning.

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Today is utter chaos! The information we received last night said all employees were to report to work at 7:00 AM which means everyone showed up all at once confused and agitated. There is precious little information available, especially about how we will be paid for this forced time off. It looks like I’ll be paid something but it won’t be as much as I would normally make if I came in. I’m not happy about it but something is better than nothing and certainly better than what others will ultimately get should thier job sites close. I’m one of the lucky ones.

My interview is in a couple of hours and I am experiencing a new kind of anxiety, something more calm but much more tense. Instead of the shakiness manifesting in my hands or through a facial twitch it’s somewhere in my core. I’m vibrating around the stomach and somewhere under the lungs. It’s much more uncomfortable but at least it’s less visible. I’m working hard to stay calm, finding other things to do and limiting my caffeine intake. At least I’m the first of the candidates to go in. At least I know anxiety will on dominate a small portion of my day.

It’s over! I think I did pretty good. I could have done better but I haven’t interviewed for a job in over 10 years! I kept my answers short and to the point since I know I have a tendency to over talk and then to trail off awkwardly when I lose track of my thought or can’t figure out how to end my point. I’m confident I got the position but there is clearly a lot more room for me to improve. It’s a good thing and nothing to be embarrassed or disappointed about. It’s something to look forward to.

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Beautiful sunrise this morning.

Being at work during this epidemic is stressful. I work for the transportation department of a very large school district and since we serve such a large swath of the city and surrounding area, it feels like the threat is closer and the stakes higher. Like an airport once an infectious disease hits our department it goes everywhere. Bus driver and assistants bring it in, pass it around, and then send it back out to other routes, other kids, and their families. We’re doing what we can but we feel helpless, afraid, panicked.

I’m trying my best to stay above the fray. I’m focusing on what I have to do. I have a resume to revise and an interview to prepare for. I’m surprisingly calm. I think I’m too tired to be anxious. I consider that both a blessing as well as a curse. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry. The position I am applying for is everything I’m already doing and everything I want to do. I am the most qualified and the obvious choice. I hear them, but I see all the ways I can fail too. I see how imperfect I am and how short I truly fall from their image of me. I see myself as an imposter waiting to be found out.

But, just as my failures are part of me, so are my successes and just as the way other’s see my is only half of the truth so is the way I see myself. I deserve this, that is true, no matter whether it is decided I will have it or not.

I just got and email and a text from the school district saying that the district is closing starting tomorrow due to the coronavirus outbreak. Spring break will not only be starting a day early but will also be extended by an additional week through March 30th.

It sounds like we’re all still to report to work in the morning to disinfect and prepare the buses and offices for our eventual reopening. Shortly after my boss called to tell me my interview was still on. She said they didn’t want to have to wait another two weeks “or longer”. I wonder if, after the 30th, if things are as bad as everyone thinks they will be, we might not be coming back then. I wonder if we are looking at the end of the school year now?

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I’m home from work again with a bad headache. It started late last night. I was up worrying about my upcoming interview and about the ways the world is changing so rapidly around me this week. My wife is still coughing too and to be honest I am really beginning to wonder if it is just a common cold or respiratory infection that she has.

She coughed all night off and on and even from her place on the couch I could hear her. She’d be quiet and still for a while and I would just start to drift off to sleep she would start again. I grew more and more tense through the night and the back of my head started throbbing and by the morning my whole head hurt and I couldn’t handle light or sound. I couldn’t get ready for work and figured it would be better for me to just stay home, relax, and get some much-needed rest.

My wife has a proper doctor’s appointment after work and hopefully she’ll get some additional medication and advice to beat this cough. She needs relief. We both do.

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Uncertainty and panic are rising everywhere. The district I work for is sending emails and posting information like crazy. We have new signs in the bathroom about washing our hands. We have hand sanitizer bottles all over the place. Our buses are being disinfected in daily rotation and I have taken it upon myself to wipe down door handles and keyboards around the office at regular intervals.

Personally I’m not doing much differently. I work with children in an environment where the possibility of cleaning up body fluids or contracting contagious diseases is an ever present possibility. I’m just going to go on doing what I’ve been trained to do. The only thing that changed is before I did it automatically but now I’m mindful and painfully aware of what I touch around me and how often I touch my face. I’m working hard to break habits I didn’t even know I had.

I’m more aware of other people too and I’m noticing a new kind of bias for people who look like they don’t wash their hands. I’m more aware of what other people touch and of how they speak about the pandemic and the recommended personal protection measures. I’m unconsciously watching for and logging people who might be vectors for infection later based on cues that may or may not be correlations. I wonder it what other ways, big and small, this will change me.

I think we will all change in ways we can’t imagine or predict by the end of this.