125 // Character Development

It’s amazing how much difference a week or two can make. It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around and how easy, and just how agonizingly hard it can be too.

Something in me has certainly shifted. I know the when, but the why eludes me. To be honest, I’m not looking too closely. I have a tendency to over-analyze and agonize over questions that have no answers, a habit which only ever results in steep losses in motivation or opportunities. I’m planning on spending this cycle of ups in pure gratitude. I’m simply thankful for the energy and the inspiration.

I’ve been improving on nearly every level. I’ve obviously been writing more, and my health has been improving too, though I’m watching closely and cautiously. I’m concerned much of my progress is due to medications that I am going to quickly be weaning off of soon. There is a strong possibility I will start heading back downhill within weeks, and an almost certainty that I will within months or a year at most.

It’s nice to feel a little more like my old self and to get back to cultivating some of my old habits and goals. I’m waking up earlier in the morning. I’m meditating again. I’m sustaining energy levels for longer and longer. It’s getting easier and easier to do the hard things now. A sense of discipline and willpower have returned. I’m still waiting on enthusiasm and some social skills to return, but there’s no rush yet on those.

The life lessons are coming rapidly, too. I’m learning to take problems and worries as they come. I’m learning not to get too far ahead into places I don’t want to be or places that don’t serve me. I’m learning to have patience, to be resilient, to be understanding where I can be and to uncompromising when my principles are on the line.

This is certainly the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I look forward to further character developments, a change of setting and circumstance, and the possibility of a new plot.

125//366

I didn’t get around to setting my goals for the week. I may not set them at all. I want to have a week of freedom from expectation, especially my own. Perhaps I need a break every once in a while from all the things I (think I) want to do. I want to do nothing. I want to not think so much or worry so much. I want to be a little more here an now, a little more focused on what is material and real, what I can control.

The upside is I feel like taking care of myself a little more. I’m walking and exercising more, eating better, and taking my meds. Getting up on time is easier and I feel less anxious about how I should spend the days. Moving, cleaning, taking care of things, this may be what I need most now.

Still, even if I’m not doing it I’m thinking about writing and there is a chance that that is the real goal. Maybe I just need to do more in order to create more and with so few ways to experience or explore the world I have to delve into dark corners of the yard and the basement and fish out what inspiration I can find there instead. It’s sad, but inspiring. There is a part of me that is trying to thrive even in these uncertain and confining conditions.