125 // Character Development

It’s amazing how much difference a week or two can make. It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around and how easy, and just how agonizingly hard it can be too.

Something in me has certainly shifted. I know the when, but the why eludes me. To be honest, I’m not looking too closely. I have a tendency to over-analyze and agonize over questions that have no answers, a habit which only ever results in steep losses in motivation or opportunities. I’m planning on spending this cycle of ups in pure gratitude. I’m simply thankful for the energy and the inspiration.

I’ve been improving on nearly every level. I’ve obviously been writing more, and my health has been improving too, though I’m watching closely and cautiously. I’m concerned much of my progress is due to medications that I am going to quickly be weaning off of soon. There is a strong possibility I will start heading back downhill within weeks, and an almost certainty that I will within months or a year at most.

It’s nice to feel a little more like my old self and to get back to cultivating some of my old habits and goals. I’m waking up earlier in the morning. I’m meditating again. I’m sustaining energy levels for longer and longer. It’s getting easier and easier to do the hard things now. A sense of discipline and willpower have returned. I’m still waiting on enthusiasm and some social skills to return, but there’s no rush yet on those.

The life lessons are coming rapidly, too. I’m learning to take problems and worries as they come. I’m learning not to get too far ahead into places I don’t want to be or places that don’t serve me. I’m learning to have patience, to be resilient, to be understanding where I can be and to uncompromising when my principles are on the line.

This is certainly the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I look forward to further character developments, a change of setting and circumstance, and the possibility of a new plot.

126//366

Today is nowhere near as relaxed as yesterday. My anxiety has returned along with all my bad feelings about how much time I’ve wasted these past weeks and how little I’ve accomplished over my lifetime. Too much time in your own head can cause some pretty dramatic self-esteem swings, it seems.

I think it’s because I have a feeling my little corona-quarantine-staycation is coming to an end and I’m feeling a little panicky for a lot of reasons.

For one, I’m afraid. The novel corona virus hasn’t gone away and I haven’t seen anything that makes me believe we are past the worst of it. I’m dreading having to wear a mask all day too, and to spend so much mental energy of remembering to disinfect surfaces and equipment and not to obsessively worry that I haven’t. I’m also sad. It’s hard to admit because of all the suffering going on all over the world, but I kind of enjoyed this time at home. It felt like time outside of time, something I have been wishing for for a very long time.

Still, it looks like I won’t be working long hours and maybe not even every day. Summer might still be saved after all.