144 // Sifting and Sorting

Monday finds me fatigued and frayed with anxiety. It’s been several nights since I’ve slept well and several weeks or more of what are probably elevated stress levels. The only thing keeping me going is knowing I’m already in the tunnel and if I don’t want to be stuck here, I have to keep going to the end. The only out is through, you know?

To help, I’m insisting on time for myself. No matter that the time never seems to come packaged in hours but only ever in moments between expectations and obligations, between tasks and to-dos, between the things people need from me and the person they need me to be. No matter how little or how scattered, theses moments are mine.

And what am I doing with my time? Nothing as productive as I wish. Today, it turns out, is one of those “input days“. What I mean is, I’m doing a lot of sifting through collected articles and images, sorting and sharing them where they should go. I

I used to consider days like these lost or useless days. I used to think it was pur procrastinating or lack of willpower on my part, These articles, quotes, videos, and images are to my writing like paint is to an artist, and this sifting and sorting is like mixing colors.

Days like this are for reconnecting with what interests me, re-sparking my creativity, and remixing concepts that at the time of their discovery were concise and contained within their own realms but since have become blurred and blended in the deep and dark recesses of my subconscious.

This is the work I do now, and it’s essential to the work I want to do, eventually.

144//366

You ever have a bad day but can put your finger on any one thing that happened to make you feel that way? Today was one of those days.

Nothing feels right today. Nothing is what I want or need. I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want to do nothing. I don’t want to be left alone, but I don’t want to talk or be touched. I’m tried but I can’t sleep. I want to eat, but not because I’m hungry. I want to feel better, but I’m stuck in this perspective and I can’t see any way out.

I was able to knock a few things off of the weekend to-do list, but it was a battle the whole way. From my morning walk, to taking care of the pets, to cleaning and cooking, and even in leisure I fought myself, ridiculed myself, made deals and manipulated myself to try to elicit some change, some motivation, some better version of myself I knew was buried.

I may have won a few battles, but the war feels like a lost cause. So, I accept the facts in front of me. It’s a bad day then and there’s nothing left to do now but wait until tomorrow and hope.