178// Home Alone

It’s the first day of my brief break from work and of course all of my plans have already been stalled or derailed. This ulcerative colitis flare is causing me a lot of pain and making concentration hard to maintain, but reminding myself that laying down for a few minutes doesn’t mean the day is over. I have to keep getting back up and trying. The system is working so far but I know soon 10 or 15 minutes won’t be enough and I’ll need an hour or so away from my desk and probably a good nap.

It feels good to have the house to myself for a while. Lately I’ve been working longer hours than my wife, leaving before her and coming home later too. I love her but everyone needs time alone with themselves and their thoughts. On days like this I am always struck by how much I have changed in relation to myself. I used to hate to be alone with my thoughts. I didn’t like myself and the thoughts and feelings I was forced to face when no one was around distressed me greatly.

I still find myself rather frustrating and annoying at times, but underneath it all I’ve learned to love myself these past few years. I’m interested in what I think and feel and I’m eager to get to know who I am without other people around to please or compare myself too. I feel peaceful when I am alone now. I feel safe.

178 // Excuse Me

How is it not Friday yet?! I swear this week will never end. I’m trapped within it and I’m growing rather terrified. The longer I am here the hotter it gets, the more stifling it gets, the more exhausted I become and the more I worry how much harder it will get on my mind and my body. I worry how I will be able to keep this up.

I’m looking at the weekend now and all I see is more stress and exhaustion, and then it will be Monday before I know it, before I am ready, and I will begin it all again.

Time marches on and we march with it with our weights weighing heavier and no time at all to stop, to rest, to cool down, and to ready ourselves to begin the journey again. In life, we must always think on our feet and most of us end up so so worn out we must be dragged along reacting and wailing rather than living.

Excuse me, I’ve not slept well for many nights now.