Tag: 2019

212 // A Coworker and Friend

Halfway there! Today was long. My body is feeling the effects from me pushing it the way I have. I’ve been working outside in the heat for hours a day and then going to bed way too late at night. I’ve been sleeping too much after work and not taking my medication the way I should. I’ve been stressed, anxious, and irritated and I haven’t figured out how to get out of my bad mood.

Tomorrow we wrap up the work we’ve been doing with the new class, and though I haven’t said it or expressed it very well, I’m very proud of my team. We’re fucking awesome and no one is going to tell us that or treat us as well as we deserve so we have to do it for one another and it has to start with me. I haven’t been a very good coworker or friend, and I don’t know why, but I promise I’m going to do better.

211 // Spending the Evening

Tonight it’s raining. The temperature is dropping, and it looks like I may just be able to fall asleep comfortably before midnight. We’re spending the evening with plates of fried chicken, glasses of white wine, two-and-a-half hours of Democratic debates, and each other. I hope the rain sticks around to cool the air and lull me to sleep in my wife’s arms when bedtime comes.

That would be a fine way to end a very long day.

209 // Part of Me Regrets

I woke up late, again. I haven’t figured out how to get back to not being so tired all the time. I mean I know how. I need to go to bed before midnight every night. The problem is knowing how to do that. I’m not tired when it is time to sleep and I am exhausted when I need to be awake. The newest chapter in the story of my life I suppose.

We spent the afternoon with close couple friends celebrating the fact that all of us in our little group is married to someone else in our little group now. I drank just too much and after lunch spent a deliciously tipsy time shopping with my girlfr—wife! We giggled through the mall and afterwards through the grocery store too and came home and slept the early evening away.

I woke up completely ruined. I have no appetite, but I want to eat. I’m thirsty. I have a headache. I’m tired and at the same time wide awake now. It was a good day and still, part of me regrets the late start, the long lunch, the drinks, and the nap. It was a good day but not at all a productive day.

 

 

 

208 // A Kind of Mother

We spent the afternoon at my niece’s 3rd birthday party. I enjoyed being with my family and I always take pride in being someone who always shows up, always supports, and always tries.

More and more I have been thinking about what it means to be a big sister and the oldest daughter in a family. I have been thinking that I am a kind of mother too.

All my life I have had to care for my siblings and now I see it was in preparation for what will eventually come. As my mother grows older, I become more aware of the transition we are all beginning to make to the time when I will take over as matriarch of the family. I’m terrified but also, honored.

I’m growing more and more comfortable offering advice and exerting my will where needed. There are places where tough love is needed, where listening is the best course of action, and where I will have to make sacrifices and repress resentment.

Yes, I am definitely a kind of mother.

207 // I Miss Writing

I’ve only worked two days this week but I’m already so ready for the weekend. I had planned to run errands, do some cleaning, and see some friends but right now I just want to do nothing at all until Monday. I’m sure that’s not a possibility but I may have a shot at some balance.

I miss writing, and I need to get started on these essays, but things just haven’t calmed down enough and I haven’t quite come down to reality yet. I’m getting there. I will get there. A few words here and there is a start, and a start is better than nothing at all. This weekend will be a start.

206 // Summer Time Simple

I returned to work today and hated it. Not my job, or the people, just having to be somewhere and having to do something. I’ve always hated that part, but the feeling is especially acute after a break and all-consuming after you’ve gotten married and all you can think about is how you’d rather be with your wife in your home to wallow in life and love together.

So, I left early hoping to head home to write. Very few words made it on screen or paper but some words are better than no words so I’ll take it. I napped some and cleaned like I always do when I am alone. I think I’d like to read later too and to cook dinner for my wife when she gets home. I guess—now that I think about it—that is what I love most about summer. I can pretend for a while every afternoon to live a simple life.

 

205 // A Life to Plan Now

Between the residual stress of wedding planning, the new stress of big life changes on the way, more than a week of hardly any sleep, and forgetting to take at least one dose a day of my medication and supplements every day for more than a week…I’m not doing so well.

I had to take another day off of work. I think I disappointed my boss by staying home but there really wasn’t much I could do. They weren’t going to give me enough hours to make it worth it and I would have been uncomfortable and useless the whole time, anyway.

So, I’m resting, and cleaning the house some more, and working on writing some small something if I can. I’m starting new drafts and finding a way to pick up where I left off. I’m choosing a new big project and reformatting my to-do lists now that I no longer have a wedding to plan. I have a life to plan now.