Carissa Potter Carlson

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204 // Everything is Perfect

I’m three days into married life and slowly coming back up for air and getting back online.

I apologize for disappearing the way I did but the closer I got to wedding planning the less time I had for anything else including sleeping and eating let alone writing. Something had to give. But I’m back now and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and moving forward in ways I hadn’t been able to these past few months.

The wedding was just wonderful. I’ll post more about it Sunday when my thoughts are gathered and my emotions smoothed out, but for now, I will tell you I loved every minute of it, even all the parts that went wrong and so much went so very wrong. My vision for the day wasn’t quite realized, but it was a beautiful, intimate, heartfelt, and fun occasion, and that was all I had asked for. So, I am a married woman now. I have a wife and I am a wife.

Everything is still the same and so different too.

Everything is perfect now, the way it always was.

126 // This Is My Fault Too

Today we made up for the lazy weekend and vowed to one another never to put off to weekday evenings what is best and most easily done on our days off. Lazy Saturdays are decadent and Sundays do encourage sloth but we have to stay strong and focused.

We have too much to do in just two short months before the wedding.

So, we had to rush around while exhausted from work doing things we could have had done already but it’s nice to have grown enough together not to blame or to lash out in frustration but to say instead “this is my fault too and this is what I will do to help us do better in the future”.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

053 // Human Lies

It hurts when the people we care about lie to us. Trust is broken and a small part of the world we thought we’d figured out is given over to the unknown and chaotic around us. Things we never thought possible become very real fears, again.

But a lie doesn’t have to be the end of the world. People lie because they are hurting. They lie because they are ashamed. I should know, I used to lie all the time. That’s how I know that people lie when something in their lives or their hearts becomes severely and painfully broken. Sometimes that pain is a bigger issue than the lie itself.

And sometimes, if the lie is not very big and if the truth comes to light from the one who spun the untruth first, if we trust in what we know of their heart we can put our hurt aside to find the path past the unpleasantness through honesty, sympathy, patience, and understanding.

Lying is a human thing, and not necessarily evil. The lies we (all) tell exist on levels and some are less severe, quite understandable, and worthier of forgiveness than others.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

041 // A Memory for the Week

With the warm sun coming through the west window above us we laid on the couch together sharing your headphones, the right earbud for me and the left one for you.

We closed our eyes and shared a playlist of your favorite love songs. I nearly cried when the ones from our first years played and nearly fell asleep as you played with my hair. The entire world melted away. There was just us, our home, our love, our memories, and nothing else.

I’m not sure how long we laid there, not speaking, just laying and listening, but it sure didn’t feel like long enough. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted nothing else for the rest of my life but…the dishes had to be washed, dinner had to be made, laundry had to be folded.

The week is about to begin and as much as I loathed to leave that couch with you, at least I will have the memory of the sun, and you, and those songs to get me through.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

022 // Separate and Together

The only thing better than a delayed schedule is a snow day. My girlfriend and I spent it on opposite sides of the couch reading and binge-watching stupidity on Netflix. We both took naps at different times of the day and we each had our own bursts of productivity in wholly different ways, one in the morning and the other in the late afternoon.

One of the great perks of being in a relationship is being able to be separate and together at the same time.

It’ll be time to head to be soon, but I’m stalling. It’s going to be exponentially harder to return to work tomorrow than it would have been today, which was already going to be exponentially harder than returning yesterday. So, I’m dragging it out and risking sleep deprivation. This small control is all I have and worth every bit of what I will suffer in the morning.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

009//365

I secretly hate that time of night when I must close my eyes and leave consciousness behind for sleep. Those 6 to 8 hours a night are more than I want to give up of my life. For all my brooding and pessimism, my misery and despair, my complaints and cursing, it turns out that my reality (as ordinary and monotonous as it may seem from the outside) has actually exceeded my wildest dreams.

I’ll need to be more imaginative and desirous in my dreams going forward, I know, but just…not yet. For now—a now I’ve clung to for years and a now I hope will last a long, long while more—I’ll allow myself this utter happiness.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren