Tag: Excerpts from my journal

My work in the house and yard yesterday has worn me out into today, and for the rest of the week, I fear. It’s depressing to no longer be able to recover with a simple good night’s sleep anymore. It’s depressing to realize that while you are not old yet, you are aging. It’s kind of scary too.

I’m thinking again about those health and fitness goals I set and never started and about how warm it’s getting outside and how I could start walking again and maybe I could get back to a point where I wasn’t so easily exhausted.

Is this age, chronic illness and fatigue, or is it just me being lazy and out of shape? Is any of this reversible or is it all downhill no matter what I do?

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

My anxiety is bad today.

I woke up a full hour earlier than my alarm and laid there staring at the walls in the dark and worrying about the wedding. We realized yesterday that, depending on when the reception venue owner will allow us to set up we may have to push our ceremony back 1 hour.

We realized this after the invitations went out with the times already set in stone and after we’ve given a timeline to the planner, the caterer, and now the photographer. I’ve reached out to the planner who will reach out to the venue owner but until I know for sure I cannot get it out of my head, or my body.

I’m tense and nauseous as I always am when I overreact. I’m worrying about adjacent things that I also have no control over including the weather and whether it will rain, or, somehow, worse, it will be miserably hot.

Luckily work is easy. In fact, I went home even earlier than what would be considered early and spent the rest of the day deep cleaning the house for my fiance who is stuck at work under very stressful conditions. This is also what I do when my anxiety is bad and my mind gets stuck. I make myself useful.

If I can’t ease my anxiety, it helps to ease someone else’s.

P.S. She says she loves the clean house, and it made all the difference for me, and her too, I hope.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

After an awful night’s sleep, I, understandably, woke up feeling awful.

My back hurt, my head hurt, and though I probably could have gotten up and slammed coffee and ibuprofen until I felt well enough to go into work I just wasn’t in the mood to rush my body into it. So, I didn’t. I text the interested parties, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

After my morning nap, I slammed coffee and ibuprofen and tried to write. Of course, I ended up tackling piles of mail and laundry instead, oh well.

Tomorrow I’ll have to return to work, for real this time, but for now, I’m pretending that they always meant my weekend to be four days long. No guilt, no stress, nothing but guilt and relaxation.

P.S. We received some very good news today! Our engagement rings made it all the way back to Australia safe and sound for resizing and are already on their way back to us. I can’t wait to wear mine again!

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

I really didn’t want to get up and go to work today. The week has been so very long and I’m so very ready to end it already. But it will be an easy day at least and I really want to get as many hours in at work while I can especially after receiving the news that my hours this summer would be substantially less than what I got last year.

It’s finally the official last day of school and the last day that our building will be open before renovations begin. There is chaos everywhere. I’ve been moving around from office to office trying to escape the noise and the confusion but it keeps finding me again and driving me out and chasing me to another room, and another, and another.

But the sun is out, and I got free pizza and a sonic slushie for lunch so it was actually a pretty good day. I’ll miss the coworkers who are off for the summer, going to another location for the summer, or moving on to other jobs for good. I’ll miss my kids too. I’ve got a big summer ahead of me but there is a part of me that is already longing for August.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

The weather continues to suck.

It’s nearly the end of May and the beginning of summer but looking outside you wouldn’t be able to tell. I had to wear my gloves and hat to work today and turn up the heat in the office! At least the rain and snow has stopped but the clouds and the cold linger. This has been the most miserable May I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully, things are looking up in the forecast and tomorrow promises at least some sunshine. 

I spent most of my morning cleaning my bus: sweeping and mopping the floor, wiping the windows, and scrubbing the grime off of each child’s seat until my body was sore.

I brought my phone, played my music loud and sang and danced while I worked, and now, I’m exhausted. I’m bored, and irritated, and wanting to go home. I’m doing what I can to stave off a headache coming on from lack of sleep, dehydration, and too much excitement, but no matter what I do or take I know nothing but a quiet room and a nap will prevent its eventuality.

P.S. I left work early and as soon as I got home and laid on the couch I was out. I slept for over an hour but woke up feeling much, much better. The sun is out now and I have my whole afternoon ahead of me to do whatever I want.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

It’s the last day of the school year, for my kids anyway. I transport high school students and the schedule for final exams and graduations mean that I say my goodbyes two days sooner than most other routes. It means happy for summer. It means being anxious and hopeful about the new year, and it means tears for the kids moving on to adulthood.

I have two kids graduating this year, one I only just met this year and who never became very close to me and who stopped needing transportation weeks ago. I wished him the best of luck and moved on easily. The other I have known for two years now. We’ve grown close and his goodbye today hit me hard. I’ll miss him, and if I get a chance to do this route again next year it just won’t be the same.

Despite the endings and goodbyes, I’m having a hard time accepting that the year is over. I know it intellectually but emotionally I’m haven’t moved past two weeks ago. It looks like the end of the month is going to sneak up on me and find me failing at all of my goals again.

P.S. Despite it being one of my favorite books of all time I’ve been reluctant to start the Hulu series Catch-22. Tonight, having nothing else to watch and no motivation to do anything more fulfilling or productive, I gave it a shot. Three episodes in and I love it. It’s pared down sure, but much of the book’s humor and emotion has been retained. I recommend it!