169 // This is My Gift

Tonight we saw my dad for his father’s day celebration. As always, it was a wonderful visit, and as always I wish there wasn’t that strange gap between us. It’s a hole that opened between us the day I was born, I imagine, and though it’s width has grown no wider since that day its depth has gone beyond our ability to fathom and our courage to leap over.

Such gaps between parents and their children are common, but each one is unique. The one between my father and I, from where I stand, is made of all my love, and all my anger, and all my wondering and regret. Its depth is all he couldn’t give and all my incessant wanting.

I’m sure from where he stands it must look different. From his side it may be darker, made of much more past and much more pain. I know this and for this reason I hold his hand above the fissure and squeeze it in forgiveness. For this reason, I ask nothing more than what I know is possible. This is my gift.

Happy Father’s Day.

153 // The Older I Get

Tonight we had dinner with my dad. I love seeing him, but it’s hard seeing him too. There are things bubbling below the surface: pain, misunderstanding, trauma, abandonment, and all sorts of questions too complicated to ask and answers too deep to dig from the past. At the same time though, there is so much love, and pride, and a connection that runs DNA deep.

It’s strange how all the same pain and confusion can exist between mothers and daughters too and yet with time the relationship develops quite differently and both end up nearly opposite from where they began. I was always a daddy’s girl but the older I get the closer I grow to my mom and the further away from my father I feel.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. I think it’s simply about gender and experience. I think it’s part of the process of growing from your parent’s child to their friend. I know my mother and she knows me now in a way I can never know or be known by my father. I feel a comradeship with her connected to the pain of being a woman that I know now my father will never understand.

In my father is my past and in my mother, my future.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

137 // I’m so Proud

Finally, the true Friday has arrived. I’d planned to take the day off from work but I felt guilty knowing I only really needed the afternoon, plus I wanted the extra hours of pay, plus I secretly kind of wanted to be there for our annual end of the year party, so I agreed to come in for half the day.

My little sister, the youngest and last of us all, is graduating from high school tonight. She’s the reason I took off early and the reason I’m feeling so good. I’m proud of her and, I will admit, a little jealous. I’m somewhat jealous of all my younger siblings.

I know in reality they are living their lives the first and only time the same as me, but in my heart, it feels like they are getting the second chance I will never get. They got to learn from me, while I had no one to make my mistakes first. *

I’m so happy for them, but damn does it sting for me.

*Well, I had my parents, but somehow the more we resist them the more we become like them. Parent’s live the nightmare of watching their worst mistakes made again no matter how hard they try to teach, protect, or control their children.

136 // This is a Home

Where the rain of last week made every day a repeat of Monday, this week’s sunshine is giving us perpetual Fridays. I’m not sure which is worse. Mondays are bleak, sure, but having to keep on remembering over and over again that freedom is not, in fact, just hours away is rather more disappointing.

I didn’t write or read as much as I had hoped to and spent too much of the day walking around and socializing, a big change from yesterday’s feeling though by the afternoon I’d had my fill.

I’m happy to be home now with my fiance, our dog, the cat, and, yes, even the snakes.

This is a home.

This is a family.

This is peace.

P.S. I did some more blog things today. I cleaned up the more recent personal posts at Zen and Pi and am preparing to revive it soon and the accompanying newsletter. Now all I have left to do is the actual writing

134 // Reinforced Connections

And suddenly it’s summer. The heat today feels oppressive and the knowledge the worse is yet to come is worrisome. The upside is I can finally get back to taking daily walks which will soon become jogs and will soon after that become my morning runs. The downside is I am sweating and I hate sweating.

Tonight I’m spending time with my family celebrating a belated Mother’s Day. So much must be put off now that the end of the year is approaching and work hours are (paradoxically) extending but I’m glad we made time to be with people we love. I sometimes forget how revitalizing laughter can be, and how the reinforcing connections can strengthen us for the return to life’s chaos and confusion.

098 // Life on Easy Mode

In a since-deleted tweet, or perhaps it was a ~~since-deleted~~ Tumblr post, I’m not sure and I can’t for the life of me find it now, I read something that changed the way I look at my life. It said something like: “People that have the support of their family/friends really got life on easy mode.”

My youngest sister, just out of high school and coping with a new job and the confusion of the adult world managed to plan a surprise party for my mom the night before her birthday. We all, despite our pasts, our harsh words and traumas, did what we always do. We came together in forgiveness, compassion, and love determined to make a member among us feel special. There was no bitterness, there were no grudges, and I realize now that there will never be, no matter what.

I never considered that my life was on “easy mode” in any way, shape, or form but reading that post and juxtaposing it against the love and laughter I experienced tonight I know that in at least one way I kind of do.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

068 // The Morning After and Goodbye

Considering the number of drinks I had last night I’m doing surprisingly well this morning. I’m up late, sure, but I’m up. The headache is minor but my limbs are very sore. That has nothing to do with the drinks and instead everything to do with the children left in my charge last night. They were heavy and wild, jumping into my arms and running me ragged through the night.

There was plenty of dancing too, which I think is why my feet hurt so much, but I’m not complaining. It was worth it to be last on the dance floor with my sisters. We were carefree, sipping our last drinks and requesting all of our favorites. It devastated us that the party had to end, but I’m making a mental note for my own wedding this summer that there must be an after party planned for those who want to hold on to the night just a little longer.

We said goodbye to my sister and her kids this morning after brunch. I’m glad we got just a little more time together, but I’m always sad to see them go. Life is better when we are all together, but I understand why they needed to move away. They needed to see a new place and to find independence. They wanted to start a new life, not just for them but for their kids, and their kids’ kids, and for generations to come.

I envy them; I disagree with them, but most of all I just miss them.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

067 // A Big Day, but Not Mine

Today is the big day! Not our big day, but my brother’s and I couldn’t be happier, more excited, or more stressed out for him.

I’m spending the morning with my mother, my sister who flew in from Texas and her kids. Our other sister is a bridesmaid, so she is with the wedding party and my fiance is the photographer and is documenting the happy couple as they get ready.

I’m tired and anxious, ready to get to the ceremony and ready to get through the night. Being the sister of the groom is a weird position. You’re important, but your role is less than if you were the sister of the bride.

I don’t know what my role is, but I’m desperate to find one, to be useful and to stay busy.

We’ve come to the end of a beautiful night. I had much more fun than I expected to and this is the first wedding that I can honestly say I was sad to see it end though; I hope it won’t be the last. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t mine.

That isn’t to say mine will be better, because I don’t think it will, but it will be mine and sometimes we love something more for our possession of it alone.

Soon.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

049 // It’s Good to Be Home

It feels good to be home, but not so good to have to go back to work and responsibility. I wish I’d gotten to stay away longer and that’s probably why I spent today doing very nearly nothing, and why I’ll have to spend tomorrow cleaning the house, doing laundry, and catching up on my reading and finishing a few blog posts and pages.

But tonight, I’m doing nothing. I’m lounging on the couch, wrapping myself in blankets and eating nothing but snacks. I’m binge-watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and wasting all my time on social media.

I promise not to regret a single thing.

These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

048 // Bittersweet Goodbyes

As I write this we are some hours still from home but in only a few minutes today will turn into tomorrow. I have no cell phone signal and when I get home I plan to sleep through most of the next day. I’ll post this and backdate it when I’m awake or whenever I remember.

Brunch this morning was bittersweet. It was sweet to be so surrounded by so much love, but it didn’t for a second ease the bitterness of our goodbyes.

I’m happy to have finally seen Texas, even if it was only a small part. I guess I saw that parts that were most important for me to see. It’s a place I thought I could never like but to see the palm trees and all that green in the middle of February was so beautiful and uplifting. The warmth and humidity did my skin and soul so much good and though the thought occurred to me, I will probably never live there.

Perhaps a visit every winter is all I need?

These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren