Tag: Journal

My wife tricked me into getting out of the house today. I threw some clothes on early in the morning to run to the pharmacy. She drove, and it was only after we left she said we were also going to go do a little shopping. At first I was angry. I don’t feel well at all and had planned on going back to bed after the pharmacy trip but I know she was trying to do something nice and anyway, it is a beautiful day and perhaps a little sunshine and a little time among the people, could help.

By the time we were browsing the stores I was feeling better. I got a coffee and a few more gift purchases crossed off of my list. It’s crazy how fast time is moving and how little time I have left to ship it all. It’s hard not to panic. I’ll give myself this last week to finish it all up.

Now we are back home and it’s early enough for me to still get plenty of resting done, or writing, or, more likely, housework, or, even more likely, shows to binge watch. The weekends aren’t long enough. I need a day between Saturday and Sunday, or between Friday and Saturday, a day to do nothing at all without any guilt. Tomorrow will be used up on preparation and then I will be back at it, struggling and miserable. Right now a four-day work week sounds like heaven.

The work week is finally come to an end. I’m exhausted and looking forward to doing as little as possible for the next two days. Since I’ll be starting a new round of steroid treatment to get this flare under control, I have got to give the medication the best chance to work and my body the best chance to heal before the start of another Monday.

But today was good actually. Even though I haven’t been feeling any better until now I believe I am learning to cope with it better. I’m learning how to work and to laugh between the pain and the fatigue. It’s good, but it somehow makes the whole thing sadder too. It isn’t fair I should have to fight so hard and it hurts that I’m the only one who knows the toll this is taking. I suppose it’s just lonely.

Right now the most important thing is that the work is getting done and I can end the week with a little pride, a feeling I’m in desperate need of these days.

I was feeling much better than yesterday when I woke up this morning. I was able to make it into work on time and ready to get back to it. I had energy. I wasn’t in pain. I did my best work. I laughed. I nearly forgot I was sick until after lunch when all my symptoms returned, with a vengeance.

I did get ahold of my doctor though. Thank God for her! She’s already ordered more lab tests and as long as they come back negative for infections than I will have a new prescription by tomorrow afternoon and some relief—hopefully!—by next Monday! There is light at the end of this hellish tunnel I just can’t tell how far away the light is, that’s all.

Soon I’ll get back to being me. I can’t believe I took it for granted, again. Never, never, never again. This time I will not let myself slip into such gross complacency. I will be me again for as long as I can, again. I promise.

I can’t do it today. I just can’t. I woke up this morning still feeling exhausted and just the thought of repeating the stress of yesterday was more than I could handle. So, I’m staying home today and you know what? I feel a hell of a lot better without the weight of the outside world on me. I may be feeling down and sickly but here in my own home all alone it isn’t so bad.

I should have spent the day resting, or even writing if I really wanted to get something done but instead I cleaned the house. Cleaning, after all, is the most satisfying kind of procrastination and I had hours and hours for it today. What makes it so insidious is how hard it is to regret. How can I feel bad when everything around me is so organized now? It’s a space clear enough to think in, to write in, but now I’m too tired.

And tonight I’m miserable again and tomorrow I will be too but I have to go back to work. Resting time is over and I wasted it, but for now the house is clean, my wife is home, and having at least that means everything.

I’m doing better than yesterday but I’m still not okay. I’m teaching a class this week and thank God I’m not on my own. I’m toughing it out as much as I can and looking forward to leaving as soon as I can. I wish everyone around me knew how hard I was trying. It feels good to give my all, to know that I can fight through this disease, but it doesn’t feel very good that I have to; you know?

It wouldn’t be so bad but my schedule is relentless right now and I feel bad for not doing my best work, or, I’m afraid I’m not doing my best work. I’m also in desperate need of some time for myself, to do the things that make me feel better. I don’t know if I mean that. I think I’m in desperate need of the desire to do the things that make me feel better. Right now the only desire I feel is for sleep.

Today has not been a good day. I wanted to stay home but calling in on Mondays makes me feel even more guilty than calling in any other day so against my gut instinct I dragged myself in. I was miserable and stressed the entire time. I’m still so sick and getting worse all the time and being sent out on a route is the last thing I need.

I learned a valuable lesson today though. I learned that I need to be firm about what I need and what I cannot do no matter what. I felt bad, and I let my boss guilt me into work I knew I couldn’t do and I may have made myself worse as a result. I learned that no one will put me first except me and I learned that that advocating for myself is one of the hardest things to do but it’s the most important thing right now.

Luckily my leave has all been approved now and for the rest of the year taking a day off, even if I feel bad, my job will not be impacted.

I can hardly believe a new month has started already. I hate December but I’m excited by it too. It’s the last step, the last struggle, before a new beginning, a new year filled with potential and surprise. I’m anxious to get through the end and ready, so, so ready for all that potential and surprise.

I wish I had been a better blogger in November for National Blog Posting Month but I think, having learned the lesson for the hundredth time now, blogging challenges just aren’t for me. I can’t commit and I am terrible at community interaction. I did find something else that looked promising and, of course, I found it too late. “NaNoDoMore” is a list of things that you aren’t meant to get through in a month. The challenge is to try something new. I like that and though the challenge is over, I’m thinking seriously of giving one or two items a go on my own.

I’m also thinking that it’s time I made blogging my secondary writing outlet and start using it to fuel a greater project and not as an end in itself. NaNoDoMore feels like it’s about more than blogging. It’s about being a writer and working to find a path to the kind of writing you want to do rather than spinning your wheels, doing the same things you have been doing, and getting nowhere. It’s a place to find, or rule out, a start. I’m going to need a lot more of that.

I’m resting today, again. The holiday and the shopping were too much and not only am I dealing with the usual ulcerative colitis pain and exhaustion but my legs are also sore from all the walking too. I’m preparing myself physically and emotionally for a family brunch tomorrow, a busy work week after, and a bland diet for the foreseeable future.

I’m hanging out in the “creativity room” at least and doing my best to get a few blog post up. It feels good to have the space and the time to put on a couple of podcasts and to try again and again to WORK DON’T THINK RELAX as Ray Bradbury says. I’m not good at it but that’s ok. All I ask from myself right now is to practice.

Happy Black Friday! We’re braving the madness this year to get a jump on holiday shopping this year but opted to go out later to avoid the crowds. The stores are still packed though and the deals hardly seem worth it. I almost wish we had stayed home but the promise of peace of mind, of knowing that there is less I will have to buy later is keeping me going.

We figured the best use of our time was to start at the mall. There are more stores and options per square foot and less need to be in traffic or hunting for parking spaces. The stores are packed of course and though there is still plenty left to buy the lines are too long in many places to warrant the purchase. We left many stores empty handed because we didn’t want to wait. There will be more sales, and more days to shop in the weeks to come. It doesn’t all have to get done today.

I’m still in pain and still feeling miserable but my wife treated me to a fancy lunch at a new fancy place which made all the difference and gave me a few more hours of high spirits and optimism but It’s getting dark now and we’re still out shopping but even her energy is waning. It’s time to head home, heat up those leftovers, and make a few drinks. We did good. I’m proud of us.

Happy Thanksgiving! We’re up early making breakfast and mimosas together and listening to the parade in the background. I’m still not feeling well but my excitement dims my pain and exhaustion. We have so much good food and plenty of delicious drinks to last us all day and a whole lot more. We opted to have lamb for dinner instead of turkey. I wanted duck but the store was all out.

I’m still sad that I’m not with my family this year but it feels good not to have to go anywhere or deal with a huge mess or any flaring tempers too. I’m even entertaining the idea of spending Christmas—maybe every holiday!—this way too. No, that would get old, and my wife and I would probably start to feel too disconnected, too lonely to sustain that. We need more than just each other in the long run and the holidays are for expressing all kinds of love and gratitude after all.

Besides eating and drinking copious amounts of food and alcohol I have blog post drafts to work on and the last of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx to get through. We also have six more Star Wars movies to rewatch in preparation for The Rise of Skywalker mid-December. So much for less T.V. time right?

But what else can I do while I’m feeling so sickly and pushing myself to worse with overeating such delicious and hard to digest food? I imagine after this week is all said and done my gut will need a nice long rest consisting of bone broth, Jell-O, and Gatorade morning, noon, and night until I heal up again.