I spent most of the day in the “creativity room” drafting up blog posts and working on my new to-do list and logbook system. I’ve decided to use Google Docs rather than a simple text app to make it easier to open and edit across devices and platforms. Plus, Google docs allows you to add comments to the content. I’ve used it to create a legend of the emojis I’m using as indicators for to-do items, ideas and notes, and to keep a list of tweaks I’m working on like reoccurring items, action plans, and “time blocking“.
I am being careful not to put too much time into it. I don’t want to fall into the trap of planning becoming the ends rather than the means, but I am excited about the system and hopeful that it will keep me on track. I keep the document open and whenever I notice myself getting distracted I look at what I could be doing, should be doing, instead. I should be writing, I should be reading, or at the very least cleaning or going for a walk, anything but endlessly scrolling social media or consuming troubling news.
Starting today, I’m severely limiting my access to social media and the news, especially any updates concerning the novel coronavirus and COVID-19. Lately I’ve been obsessed, scrolling endlessly on my phone while CBSN loops in the background. It’s become very unhealthy and quite detrimental to my well being. I’m going to spend this time reading, writing, and planning. I’m going to spend it resting. I’m going to spend it with my wife. We’ll watch movies, shows, rest, and maybe get a few house projects done too.
Even with a plan, it’s hard to know how I should spend the days. Most weekends I savor my time for rest. When you know you have to go back to work in the next few days lounging on the couch is a treat, a craving, a guilty pleasure and an essential part of self-care but when you know work is two weeks away or more, the burden of the foreseeable boredom weighs on you in the present and suddenly doing something, anything, becomes paramount in your mind.
So, we ventured out into the world to pick up a few things. Luckily, we aren’t in need of any real essentials. We wouldn’t be able to get them if we did. Instead, we just needed some soy milk and orange juice, snacks, some pasta for dinner, a bottle of wine and a bottle of whiskey. I think we’re set for the next few days with that. We’ll try for more on Monday when most people have gotten their weekend shopping out of the way and returned to work.
Many of the shelves were bare, but it honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was nerve-wracking to be out. Every surface is unclean, and every person is a potential source of infection. You avoid touching things or walking too close to others. You become hyperaware of what your hands and your face as you try to remember not to rub your eyes or scratch your nose. The air quickly becomes hard to breathe. I didn’t stay out long, I couldn’t, and as soon as I got home I washed my hands thouroghly and wiped down most of our hard surfaces.
The threat is in the house and outside of the house now and whether I am in or out I am afraid. I hope this all ends soon, but all indication and predictions say it’s only the beginning.
Today is utter chaos! The information we received last night said all employees were to report to work at 7:00 AM which means everyone showed up all at once confused and agitated. There is precious little information available, especially about how we will be paid for this forced time off. It looks like I’ll be paid something but it won’t be as much as I would normally make if I came in. I’m not happy about it but something is better than nothing and certainly better than what others will ultimately get should thier job sites close. I’m one of the lucky ones.
My interview is in a couple of hours and I am experiencing a new kind of anxiety, something more calm but much more tense. Instead of the shakiness manifesting in my hands or through a facial twitch it’s somewhere in my core. I’m vibrating around the stomach and somewhere under the lungs. It’s much more uncomfortable but at least it’s less visible. I’m working hard to stay calm, finding other things to do and limiting my caffeine intake. At least I’m the first of the candidates to go in. At least I know anxiety will on dominate a small portion of my day.
It’s over! I think I did pretty good. I could have done better but I haven’t interviewed for a job in over 10 years! I kept my answers short and to the point since I know I have a tendency to over talk and then to trail off awkwardly when I lose track of my thought or can’t figure out how to end my point. I’m confident I got the position but there is clearly a lot more room for me to improve. It’s a good thing and nothing to be embarrassed or disappointed about. It’s something to look forward to.
Being at work during this epidemic is stressful. I work for the transportation department of a very large school district and since we serve such a large swath of the city and surrounding area, it feels like the threat is closer and the stakes higher. Like an airport once an infectious disease hits our department it goes everywhere. Bus driver and assistants bring it in, pass it around, and then send it back out to other routes, other kids, and their families. We’re doing what we can but we feel helpless, afraid, panicked.
I’m trying my best to stay above the fray. I’m focusing on what I have to do. I have a resume to revise and an interview to prepare for. I’m surprisingly calm. I think I’m too tired to be anxious. I consider that both a blessing as well as a curse. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry. The position I am applying for is everything I’m already doing and everything I want to do. I am the most qualified and the obvious choice. I hear them, but I see all the ways I can fail too. I see how imperfect I am and how short I truly fall from their image of me. I see myself as an imposter waiting to be found out.
But, just as my failures are part of me, so are my successes and just as the way other’s see my is only half of the truth so is the way I see myself. I deserve this, that is true, no matter whether it is decided I will have it or not.
I just got and email and a text from the school district saying that the district is closing starting tomorrow due to the coronavirus outbreak. Spring break will not only be starting a day early but will also be extended by an additional week through March 30th.
It sounds like we’re all still to report to work in the morning to disinfect and prepare the buses and offices for our eventual reopening. Shortly after my boss called to tell me my interview was still on. She said they didn’t want to have to wait another two weeks “or longer”. I wonder if, after the 30th, if things are as bad as everyone thinks they will be, we might not be coming back then. I wonder if we are looking at the end of the school year now?
I’m home from work again with a bad headache. It started late last night. I was up worrying about my upcoming interview and about the ways the world is changing so rapidly around me this week. My wife is still coughing too and to be honest I am really beginning to wonder if it is just a common cold or respiratory infection that she has.
She coughed all night off and on and even from her place on the couch I could hear her. She’d be quiet and still for a while and I would just start to drift off to sleep she would start again. I grew more and more tense through the night and the back of my head started throbbing and by the morning my whole head hurt and I couldn’t handle light or sound. I couldn’t get ready for work and figured it would be better for me to just stay home, relax, and get some much-needed rest.
My wife has a proper doctor’s appointment after work and hopefully she’ll get some additional medication and advice to beat this cough. She needs relief. We both do.
Uncertainty and panic are rising everywhere. The district I work for is sending emails and posting information like crazy. We have new signs in the bathroom about washing our hands. We have hand sanitizer bottles all over the place. Our buses are being disinfected in daily rotation and I have taken it upon myself to wipe down door handles and keyboards around the office at regular intervals.
Personally I’m not doing much differently. I work with children in an environment where the possibility of cleaning up body fluids or contracting contagious diseases is an ever present possibility. I’m just going to go on doing what I’ve been trained to do. The only thing that changed is before I did it automatically but now I’m mindful and painfully aware of what I touch around me and how often I touch my face. I’m working hard to break habits I didn’t even know I had.
I’m more aware of other people too and I’m noticing a new kind of bias for people who look like they don’t wash their hands. I’m more aware of what other people touch and of how they speak about the pandemic and the recommended personal protection measures. I’m unconsciously watching for and logging people who might be vectors for infection later based on cues that may or may not be correlations. I wonder it what other ways, big and small, this will change me.
I think we will all change in ways we can’t imagine or predict by the end of this.
This morning was tough. I knew it would be with the time change but on top of that I’m still not getting a good night’s sleep. My wife is still on the couch and her cough, even from there, is keeping us both up at night. So I’m running late, again. I’ve been late every day for almost a week now. I’m thankful that my job is understanding though I know soon I’ll reach the limits of their patience. I have to find a way to both get some sleep and to get a handle on my morning routine.
There was bad news almost immediately after I got to work. The school district I work for has cancelled all out-of-state travel for employees and students due to the novel coronavirus outbreak. That means the Texas trip I was scheduled to take next week, the trip I have been looking forward to for months, is not happening. I’m devastated.
I’m trying to maintain a positive perspective though. There is always next year and there are more important trips that have been cancelled too. I feel bad for the kids who probably worked hard and looked forward to trips all year and may never get to go now.
There was some good news today too. It appears the position my bosses had been working hard to create for me and my coworkers is finally finished and I am scheduled for an interview Friday morning! I’m excited and incredibly nervous. I’m excited for the chance to prove myself. I’m excited by the idea of finally getting to do more, and make more too, but I’m terrified of messing it up.
Everyone keeps telling me I have this in the bag, that there’s no way for me to mess this up but all i hear is that everyone expects me to be perfect and I know I am far from it. I know that if there is a way to fail, I will find it. I wish I knew better how to prepare. Still, no matter which way things end up I’ll be happy this is all finally over. EIther way it’s better than this waiting.
Daylight savings time begins here in the U.S. and it’s messing with me already. I know most people hate it but I kind of like it. As someone who works long hours I like that there will be some daylight left when I get home. It’s just the adjustment period that is hard. I know tonight will be a late night and tomorrow morning will be a rough one and my circadian rhythm
My wife is still very sick, so it’s up to me to get us both ready for the week ahead. I’m cleaning the house and taking care of the laundry and meal prep all on my own and though I’m happy to do it all and take care of her too, I am running low on energy. I don’t want to push myself too far. I’m trying not to get sick myself and the stress and exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well since she’s been sick either) isn’t good for my already crappy immune system.
Very little writing will get done and there is no time at all for reading. My books and ideas will have to wait. At least the weather is nice. I might not be able to spend the day in leisure and I may not be able to get out into the sun today but I can open up the house and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine. I can smile knowing I’m doing what needs to be done and taking care of the one I love the most.
The weather outside looks beautiful, almost summer like. The sun is calling me and I can hear the whole neighborhood coming to life just outside my windows but as much as I’d love to join them my wife and I are staying in today. She’s still so sickly I can’t allow her anything but rest and I am so worried about her I can’t allow even a moment away in case she gets any worse.
It’s ok though. I have all the windows open to air the place out and give her some fresh air. I’m nodding off on the couch and for the moment it feels like nothing in the world is important, pressing, or worrisome. I have nothing I have to do and nothing I want to do but this. Nothing else even exists, nothing but us, the sun, and time. I think Saturdays are my favorite days now.
Today was an especially boring day. I spent it watching a coworker teach CPR to the new employees. I was trying to pick up a few insights and tricks of the trade since I’ll be in class learning how to be an instructor myself in a little over a week. The class is long as it is but it’s especially long when you aren’t in the class nor teaching it either.
The good news is I no longer feel (quite) so anxious about my class. Most of it is videos and what’s left is reading from the book, answering questions, and making sure people are demonstrating the breaths and compressions properly. I think I can do all that just fine. That isn’t to say it looks easy. It just doesn’t look any harder than what I’ve already been doing, anyway. I think I got this.
Some times the boring, idle days are more tiring than the busy, stressful days. I did very little today and even made it home earlier than usual and somehow I am exhausted. I can barely muster the energy to get off the couch to change out of my work clothes let alone cook dinner or clean anything.
My wife is still fighting off a nasty cold, and it’s up to me to take care of everything. She may have to settle for getting dinner delivered and an early bedtime for both of us. Another wild Friday night.
Lisa Marie Blair 