An aspiring writer fascinated by what we simply are.
Tag: October 2019
So, I think I am getting sick, again. Well, last time I thought I was getting sick but nothing came of it. This time I think it and I actually have the sore throat, the cough, the sinus pain, and the fatigue to back it up. This time I know it’s not all in my head, I think.
But, I’m pushing through because today we are heading going to the ballet! I have been looking forward to this for months, we both have, and I will not let a little cold get in the way. I remember years ago when I went to the ballet with a migraine. It was awful, but this won’t be as bad as that bad I think. I have a plan.
I’m going to consume and combine cold medicine, ibuprofen, copious amounts of caffeine, and just the right amount of alcohol (at brunch). I know on the surface and this sounds like a bad idea, but I know from previous experience that this recipe is almost magical. Trust me.
The work week is finally over, but instead of going home to rest and tune out for the evening I’m off to my baby nephew’s very first birthday party. Part of my is lamenting the loss of my relaxing Friday night routine, but another part of me is a little excited to go to.
I love each of my siblings’ children the same, that is, I love each of them so much that it almost hurts. I love how they are all little versions of my brother’s and sisters (all of whom I also love like they were my own kids), but different too. I love getting to know them. I love how distinct each of their personalities are. I love being near so much potential and hope. I love being an aunt and birthdays are when I get to show that off a little.
I’m actually feeling really good this morning. I have no earthly idea why, since I didn’t sleep any better and work is as stressful as ever, but I know overthinking will ruin it, so I’m choosing to let myself simply enjoy it.
We have cloudy and cold conditions again for the third (or so) day in a row. I was trying to hold out as long as I could but I think it’s time to turn on the heat and to put away my summer things. It’s time to let go and to move on. Fall is firmly here.
I’m getting sick, I know it. My throat has been swollen and raw since yesterday but I had been holding on to hope that it just got burned on some hot food I ate or something and would heal up in a day or two since I had no other symptoms (and even felt great just this morning). Since then it’s only gotten worse. Now I have an occasional cough and a persistent worry.
I really wish I hadn’t already taken a day off of work this week…
Today was incredibly chaotic, but, like, in a good way. I love feeling a part of something and not just any part, but an important part.
As much as we could do without the obligation of work, we can’t deny the community of it. Some of us try to and those people usually don’t last. They move on from job to job in—what I think—is a search not for their passion (which can be found anytime) but for something that feels like a home away from home. My workplace is far from perfect but I practically grew up there. It matters to me what they think. It matters to me to have a place and to contribute.
I’ve been cleaning up the “creativity room” this week and tonight there was finally enough room to actually be creative in there. I took just a few short minutes to make some little cut-and-paste things. Nothing I feel like sharing yet. Honestly, it might be awhile before I’m ready to feel the pressure of social media and the anxiety that comes with “likes”, or the lack thereof.
I’m just happy to be creating, even just a little tiny bit. I’m happy to get away from my phone and from people and from expectation and productivity. I am happy to just be and to have fun for a change. Not that “adult fun” that’s really just hanging out with other adults and complaining about being adults. I’m talking about the kind of fun we had when we were kids, the kind we forgot to bring with us when we grew up, and it was exactly what I needed.
When I woke up this morning, the house was so cold, and I was still so tired, and my body ached, and my head ached, and my will to push through just wasn’t there. Getting up and rushing through my morning routine felt physically impossible. So, I listened to my body and took a self-care day.
Around midmorning my youngest sister stopped by to chat before school. Being the oldest sister I sometimes get caught up in feelings of bitterness and jealousy over the lives my younger siblings get to lead. I remember how much I gave up or how much I was never even allowed to have in the first place just because I came first. It get a little down about it sometimes, but sometimes but I feel an overwhelming pride too. They all turned out to be such good people and I’m honored to have played a role in that.
After she left, I wore myself out cleaning the house and doing a couple of small house projects because I never can take a whole day just for me; I feel too guilty, but I did get some reading in, and worked on the courses I’m taking, and made time for some fun blog things too.