Today is a do nothing day. I’ve spent it in the bright and roomy corner of the couch reading while the cat and dog alternate turns cuddling with me. My wife is at the other end playing all the Divergent movies back to back. Her foot taps mine every once in a while to reassure us both, and between movies we alternate fetching snacks. It’s a true Saturday, not just a day cooped up at home. It helps if you feel like you chose it; you know?
I’m not in love with the book I’m reading but I’ve put in so much time and tried so hard that I have to see the nearly 1,200 page tome through to the end. I would have finished It by now if it weren’t for the sheer size of the thing and I’m rethinking my aversion to ebooks again because of it. I recently had a chat with an old fan of the blog and his questions reminded me that I have an old iPad lying around that could serve as an e-reader once I delete every other app installed.
When I’m done with It I’ll give e-books a real try. I have enough money in gift cards to try some contemporary reads without investing too much.
It’s getting harder and harder to find a routine. My instinct is to treat every day like it’s Saturday until the Sunday before I must return to work finally comes along, but Saturday’s have always been about escape. They are about anything but work and routine. Every weekend was all fun, and rest, and fulfillment, until finally, they had to be for preparation, but they were never the work or the routine.
A month or more of Saturday’s sounds like fun, but time spent only in rest and escape is just as off-balance and unhealthy as life too devoted to work and productivity.
Before this age of social distancing, I spent my free time trying to work out how to include leisure in my life. Now I’m trying to find time for work. What is my work now that my day job is closed? What can I do now that I must do it alone and from home? How can my days be structured, so that something is being accomplished and a healthy balance is being achieved?
These are the kinds of questions I am trying to answer now and my worry is that by the time I answer them it will be time to return to the old balance and routine and I will have wasted time overthinking my role in this pandemic.
After many long months of winter the first day of spring is finally here and in true Colorado fashion it is also the first day of snow we’ve had for nearly a month. Rain was falling softly when I woke up, but within a couple of hours the flakes were falling and the snow was beginning to stick. The wind is blowing hard now, and it’s clear we will stuck inside for at least the next few days.
My wife woke early and figured with the virus spreading and now a snow storm hitting it might be a good idea to head to the grocery store and pick up a few things, or whatever we can find. We’re growing increasingly worried about a “shelter in place” order and increased panic buying from the public. We’re worried the supply chain being disrupted and being our one-two week store of food running out before society stabilizes.
Since it was early, she was able to bring home toilet paper, cereal, and a little meat to freeze in case, but she said there wasn’t much and the trip was somewhat nerve-wracking. I’m hoping we won’t have to go back out again until sometime next week.
Other than that, we are doing fine. We’re bored. We’re eating too much. We’re sleeping too much. Our nerves are growing a little frayed, but we’re fine. I think as soon as the weather turns around we’re going to go hiking. I’d like to go hiking as much as possible during this time of social isolation. Immersing myself in nature feels like the only salve for this never ending anxiety and fear I feel now.
I got up a bit earlier than yesterday. I’m trying hard to keep to some kind of schedule and to make sure when I do get up that I am not just watching T.V. (especially the news) and I’m not just scrolling social media. I am losing the battle to limit myself, but it’s so hard now that life as we know it is changing by the hour.
The weather was gorgeous today and, knowing tomorrow would be quite the opposite, my wife and I opted to unplug and get out for a long walk with the dog. It felt good to move my body, to fun and laugh and to pretend for a while that everything was back to normal again.
The relief didn’t last long. As soon as we got back home, I started seeing reports and rumors about another extension of the already extended Spring break. The Governor announced today that it’s becoming increasingly unlikely that schools across the city will reopen before summer break. My mind is struggled to wrap around the idea of two weeks away from work, two months or more away is unimaginable. It already hard enough to stay busy and to keep our minds occupied as it is, I’m not sure how we will make it through another month.
Or, I know we will make it, but I’m not sure what we will have to do to make it or how we will have changed when we do. I suppose that applies to each of us, no matter what our location or circumstance is. I suppose this applies to us all as a collective city, state, country, and species.
News just came in that all Colorado school districts will be closed for the next month. We will not return until April 20th, at least. It’s nerve-wracking, but at the same time I am so grateful. I know I am one of the lucky ones by far. I will be getting paid for this time off and I’m not even being asked to work from home. I know that, financially, I will make it through this just fine and all I have to worry about now is keeping the food and essentials in the house.
Since we are so lucky we’ll be looking for ways to help those less fortunate than us get through this confusing and terrifying time whether that means volunteering (unlikely due to both of us having chronic conditions) or through donations in the form of cash or goods. We’ll be ordering food through take out or delivery and buying gift cards to help keep local businesses afloat.
We’re all in this together and my hope is that by the end, whenever that is and whatever that looks like, the world will have changed in every way for the better. My hope is that this will be a reminder that humans cannot survive or thrive without other humans, and we learn to care a little more for one another for the good of us all. I don’t want all of this to have been in vain.
I’m up a little later than I wanted to be (the story of my life) but not later than I need to be. I have time for a few words here and to prepare for my CPR Instructors course at a leisurely pace. My anxiety is sky high. This is very far outside of my comfort zone and my usual schedule and to my body and many parts of my mind that means danger. I’m trying to stay calm, to breathe, to be confident, but I’m battling myself and those battles are the easiest to lose.
Still, I am somewhat excited too. I’m excited about what comes after today (and after the world begins to recover and life returns to some semblance of normalcy and safety). I’m excited to be able to teach people how to save lives. Like, how awesome is that? I get to teach people to save lives! So, even though my body is indicating otherwise, this is far from bad or dangerous. This is actually really exciting.
I’m done! I made it through almost 7 hours of CPR instructor class and passed with flying colors. I demonstrated my skills, passed the written test, and learned how to help people perform the same skills more effectively. The class as a whole was easier than I anticipated, but longer. It was also a little strange to take this course in the midst of a global pandemic.
Precautions were taken to avoid any close contact between my classmates and I. We sat 6 feet apart and did not share any equipment, and after leaving or entering the room we had to wash our hands and use hand sanitizer and the entire room was disinfected while we went to lunch.
All the restaurants in the city are either closed or offering take out or delivery only. It’s hard to know which is which though until you get there. It took a few stops, but we finally found a burger place who’s drive through was still open. It’s strange to think about how much and how rapidly the world has changed in just the past few weeks. It’s disorienting, upsetting, and somehow, freeing.
Everything can change whenever we want it too. For better or worse, the world can be anything we want it to be, and it doesn’t have to take lifetimes. We’ve proven that much.
Everything is changing so fast and in ways I couldn’t have imagined a week or two ago. I feel as though I’m living in shock, in limbo, and always on the edge of something worse and more frightening. Very little is within my control anymore, and life is becoming less and less predictable every day.
It’s hard not to be so aware. I’m trying to limit how much news and social media I consume, but not knowing what is happening every minute is hard to cope with. Watching my favorite movies helps, and finding tasks to complete. I did our taxes, made some phone calls, finished the laundry and worked on my to-do/logbook system and schedule. I still planned our meals for the week and I’ll prep our breakfasts for the next 4 or 5 days too. I’m trying to keep to some semblance of my old schedule.
Tomorrow I have a CPR Instructors class. I called the center today to confirm it hadn’t been cancelled and when he told me it was still on, I felt disappointed and a little afraid. Even with all the precautions, I’m still weary of going out. I know that for many the virus presents with mild symptoms, but not for all. I’m worried about catching the virus, of being hospitalized, of not being able to breathe. At the same time, I have every intention of attending my movie party tomorrow night, so I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective and priorities.
Update: My movie party has been canceled. The theater chain announced tonight that nearly all of their locations across country were closing down and even if they hadn’t the Governor called for all restaurants, bars, movie theaters, gyms, and coffeehouses closed for 30 days, anyway. I know why it had to happen, but I’m heartbroken. It was the one bright spot in the next two+ weeks of dystopian hell.
I spent most of the day in the “creativity room” drafting up blog posts and working on my new to-do list and logbook system. I’ve decided to use Google Docs rather than a simple text app to make it easier to open and edit across devices and platforms. Plus, Google docs allows you to add comments to the content. I’ve used it to create a legend of the emojis I’m using as indicators for to-do items, ideas and notes, and to keep a list of tweaks I’m working on like reoccurring items, action plans, and “time blocking“.
I am being careful not to put too much time into it. I don’t want to fall into the trap of planning becoming the ends rather than the means, but I am excited about the system and hopeful that it will keep me on track. I keep the document open and whenever I notice myself getting distracted I look at what I could be doing, should be doing, instead. I should be writing, I should be reading, or at the very least cleaning or going for a walk, anything but endlessly scrolling social media or consuming troubling news.
Starting today, I’m severely limiting my access to social media and the news, especially any updates concerning the novel coronavirus and COVID-19. Lately I’ve been obsessed, scrolling endlessly on my phone while CBSN loops in the background. It’s become very unhealthy and quite detrimental to my well being. I’m going to spend this time reading, writing, and planning. I’m going to spend it resting. I’m going to spend it with my wife. We’ll watch movies, shows, rest, and maybe get a few house projects done too.
Even with a plan, it’s hard to know how I should spend the days. Most weekends I savor my time for rest. When you know you have to go back to work in the next few days lounging on the couch is a treat, a craving, a guilty pleasure and an essential part of self-care but when you know work is two weeks away or more, the burden of the foreseeable boredom weighs on you in the present and suddenly doing something, anything, becomes paramount in your mind.
So, we ventured out into the world to pick up a few things. Luckily, we aren’t in need of any real essentials. We wouldn’t be able to get them if we did. Instead, we just needed some soy milk and orange juice, snacks, some pasta for dinner, a bottle of wine and a bottle of whiskey. I think we’re set for the next few days with that. We’ll try for more on Monday when most people have gotten their weekend shopping out of the way and returned to work.
Many of the shelves were bare, but it honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was nerve-wracking to be out. Every surface is unclean, and every person is a potential source of infection. You avoid touching things or walking too close to others. You become hyperaware of what your hands and your face as you try to remember not to rub your eyes or scratch your nose. The air quickly becomes hard to breathe. I didn’t stay out long, I couldn’t, and as soon as I got home I washed my hands thouroghly and wiped down most of our hard surfaces.
The threat is in the house and outside of the house now and whether I am in or out I am afraid. I hope this all ends soon, but all indication and predictions say it’s only the beginning.
Today is utter chaos! The information we received last night said all employees were to report to work at 7:00 AM which means everyone showed up all at once confused and agitated. There is precious little information available, especially about how we will be paid for this forced time off. It looks like I’ll be paid something but it won’t be as much as I would normally make if I came in. I’m not happy about it but something is better than nothing and certainly better than what others will ultimately get should thier job sites close. I’m one of the lucky ones.
My interview is in a couple of hours and I am experiencing a new kind of anxiety, something more calm but much more tense. Instead of the shakiness manifesting in my hands or through a facial twitch it’s somewhere in my core. I’m vibrating around the stomach and somewhere under the lungs. It’s much more uncomfortable but at least it’s less visible. I’m working hard to stay calm, finding other things to do and limiting my caffeine intake. At least I’m the first of the candidates to go in. At least I know anxiety will on dominate a small portion of my day.
It’s over! I think I did pretty good. I could have done better but I haven’t interviewed for a job in over 10 years! I kept my answers short and to the point since I know I have a tendency to over talk and then to trail off awkwardly when I lose track of my thought or can’t figure out how to end my point. I’m confident I got the position but there is clearly a lot more room for me to improve. It’s a good thing and nothing to be embarrassed or disappointed about. It’s something to look forward to.
Being at work during this epidemic is stressful. I work for the transportation department of a very large school district and since we serve such a large swath of the city and surrounding area, it feels like the threat is closer and the stakes higher. Like an airport once an infectious disease hits our department it goes everywhere. Bus driver and assistants bring it in, pass it around, and then send it back out to other routes, other kids, and their families. We’re doing what we can but we feel helpless, afraid, panicked.
I’m trying my best to stay above the fray. I’m focusing on what I have to do. I have a resume to revise and an interview to prepare for. I’m surprisingly calm. I think I’m too tired to be anxious. I consider that both a blessing as well as a curse. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry. The position I am applying for is everything I’m already doing and everything I want to do. I am the most qualified and the obvious choice. I hear them, but I see all the ways I can fail too. I see how imperfect I am and how short I truly fall from their image of me. I see myself as an imposter waiting to be found out.
But, just as my failures are part of me, so are my successes and just as the way other’s see my is only half of the truth so is the way I see myself. I deserve this, that is true, no matter whether it is decided I will have it or not.
I just got and email and a text from the school district saying that the district is closing starting tomorrow due to the coronavirus outbreak. Spring break will not only be starting a day early but will also be extended by an additional week through March 30th.
It sounds like we’re all still to report to work in the morning to disinfect and prepare the buses and offices for our eventual reopening. Shortly after my boss called to tell me my interview was still on. She said they didn’t want to have to wait another two weeks “or longer”. I wonder if, after the 30th, if things are as bad as everyone thinks they will be, we might not be coming back then. I wonder if we are looking at the end of the school year now?
Lisa Marie Blair 