Category: Journal

So, I think I am getting sick, again. Well, last time I thought I was getting sick but nothing came of it. This time I think it and I actually have the sore throat, the cough, the sinus pain, and the fatigue to back it up. This time I know it’s not all in my head, I think.

But, I’m pushing through because today we are heading going to the ballet! I have been looking forward to this for months, we both have, and I will not let a little cold get in the way. I remember years ago when I went to the ballet with a migraine. It was awful, but this won’t be as bad as that bad I think. I have a plan.

I’m going to consume and combine cold medicine, ibuprofen, copious amounts of caffeine, and just the right amount of alcohol (at brunch). I know on the surface and this sounds like a bad idea, but I know from previous experience that this recipe is almost magical. Trust me.

The work week is finally over, but instead of going home to rest and tune out for the evening I’m off to my baby nephew’s very first birthday party. Part of my is lamenting the loss of my relaxing Friday night routine, but another part of me is a little excited to go to.

I love each of my siblings’ children the same, that is, I love each of them so much that it almost hurts. I love how they are all little versions of my brother’s and sisters (all of whom I also love like they were my own kids), but different too. I love getting to know them. I love how distinct each of their personalities are. I love being near so much potential and hope. I love being an aunt and birthdays are when I get to show that off a little.

I’m actually feeling really good this morning. I have no earthly idea why, since I didn’t sleep any better and work is as stressful as ever, but I know overthinking will ruin it, so I’m choosing to let myself simply enjoy it.

We have cloudy and cold conditions again for the third (or so) day in a row. I was trying to hold out as long as I could but I think it’s time to turn on the heat and to put away my summer things. It’s time to let go and to move on. Fall is firmly here.

I’m getting sick, I know it. My throat has been swollen and raw since yesterday but I had been holding on to hope that it just got burned on some hot food I ate or something and would heal up in a day or two since I had no other symptoms (and even felt great just this morning). Since then it’s only gotten worse. Now I have an occasional cough and a persistent worry.

I really wish I hadn’t already taken a day off of work this week…

Today was incredibly chaotic, but, like, in a good way. I love feeling a part of something and not just any part, but an important part.

As much as we could do without the obligation of work, we can’t deny the community of it. Some of us try to and those people usually don’t last. They move on from job to job in—what I think—is a search not for their passion (which can be found anytime) but for something that feels like a home away from home. My workplace is far from perfect but I practically grew up there. It matters to me what they think. It matters to me to have a place and to contribute.

I’ve been cleaning up the “creativity room” this week and tonight there was finally enough room to actually be creative in there. I took just a few short minutes to make some little cut-and-paste things. Nothing I feel like sharing yet. Honestly, it might be awhile before I’m ready to feel the pressure of social media and the anxiety that comes with “likes”, or the lack thereof.

I’m just happy to be creating, even just a little tiny bit. I’m happy to get away from my phone and from people and from expectation and productivity. I am happy to just be and to have fun for a change. Not that “adult fun” that’s really just hanging out with other adults and complaining about being adults. I’m talking about the kind of fun we had when we were kids, the kind we forgot to bring with us when we grew up, and it was exactly what I needed.

When I woke up this morning, the house was so cold, and I was still so tired, and my body ached, and my head ached, and my will to push through just wasn’t there. Getting up and rushing through my morning routine felt physically impossible. So, I listened to my body and took a self-care day.

Around midmorning my youngest sister stopped by to chat before school. Being the oldest sister I sometimes get caught up in feelings of bitterness and jealousy over the lives my younger siblings get to lead. I remember how much I gave up or how much I was never even allowed to have in the first place just because I came first. It get a little down about it sometimes, but sometimes but I feel an overwhelming pride too. They all turned out to be such good people and I’m honored to have played a role in that.

After she left, I wore myself out cleaning the house and doing a couple of small house projects because I never can take a whole day just for me; I feel too guilty, but I did get some reading in, and worked on the courses I’m taking, and made time for some fun blog things too.

I wish every day could be like this.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere but in bed right now.

It’s the last day of September and though the sun is shining and the weather is still very warm, I’m feeling pretty gloomy. I think knowing a change is coming—clouds and cooler temperatures and a whole new month tomorrow—is bringing out the pensive introvert in me. Conversations are tiring and connecting is pointless. I’d rather work alone than in groups right now.

At least the work day is easy. I have some energy, and I’m getting lots of small things done in place of the big things that got cancelled. It’s a blessing to have a job that is as undemanding as mine. There are chaotic days too, but they are fewer and further between than the calm ones.

It’s getting on toward the late afternoon now and the chilly wind through the neighbors’ trees is casting moving, almost glittering, shadows throughout the whole house. It looks almost as if we are underwater. It’s calming. Suddenly I remember I am happy. I remember that I have a wonderfully peaceful little life and that I’m thoroughly in love with every part of it.

Today was an “in between” kind of day. Not lazy, but not particularly eventful either. I spent much of the day doing blog things and cooking all of our breakfasts for the week. I did a little cleaning but not as much as I should have. The same goes for writing.

I’m dreading work tomorrow, of course. The weekend wasn’t nearly long enough or maybe it was but I wasted it. September ends tomorrow too and I’m both sad and excited to see it go. I’m not a big fan of fall and I loath winter so the further we get into the year now the more miserable I will become.

Still, Halloween is my favorite month of the year.

Too many margaritas last night means today was a lazy day. I got up at a decent hour and tried my best to fend off the headache and the fatigue I drank water, ate breakfast, took my meds and supplements, and even tried tea, but I never could get out of the funk, so I went back to bed so I could try again.

I woke up sometime later feeling much better but half the day had passed and there was no chance to do anything big. So, I finished … and caught up on missing posts here. I cleaned up the kitchen and made my wife some delicious vegetarian tacos too. We watched the Savage X Fenty lingerie show and the now we’re going to binge-watch more Preacher until we both start nodding off.

Life is good.

The light work schedule continues through today. I’m trying to take it easy. I didn’t sleep as well last night as I did the night before. This morning I rode on a route with an older woman and lamented my lack of a regular good night’s sleep. She asked me how old I was and told me it was normal for me. Apparently, according to this lady, women just don’t sleep well after they turn 30. Reason #103,657, if it’s true, that I wish I had been born a man.

I have some more supplements being delivered today. I’m already taking iron, calcium, vitamin D, magnesium, and I’ll be adding zinc and peppermint oil to the mix. I’ll keep taking the melatonin too but not for more than a few days at a time. I’m going to start walking during my lunch and I’m already watching my caffeine intake. I don’t know what more to do for myself beyond prescriptions.

I’ve been feeling so blah but tonight is turning out to be just what I needed. My wife brought home chicken tacos from our favorite place and made the most delicious margaritas. We have sopapillas for later and episode of Preacher on Hulu for the rest of the night. I had hoped we would go out with friends but I think this is what we needed even more.

I slept better than I have all week last night and though I’m still sluggish and ill-tempered it’s better and that’s something. I avoided watching TV and checking my phone and instead focused on cleaning up, reading, and getting ready for the next day. I took all my meds and supplements and added a 5mg melatonin pill to the mix when I went to be. The routine worked, but it wasn’t much fun.

I thought work was going to be hard but the woman I was supposed to train didn’t show and suddenly I had a few free hours I have no idea what to do with. I want to read and to work on my courses but I’m feeling too discouraged to try. This book is so thick I feel I will never finish it and for the courses, the readings and videos just never seem to end. I’m doing things but progress never just seems to be made.

It might help if I marked where I start and where I stop every day. That way I could see that I really was moving forward and that the end is getting closer.

I’m ready to check the boxes and move on to something new.