A new employee came up to me after her lunch just to chat. She’s a retired nurse from Venezuela and though she understands English just fine, she struggles to speak it.

She asked me how I was and told me how hard it had been to for her being new on the job. She mentioned how people had struggled to understand her and I didn’t mention the comments I’d overheard behind her back about it. I told her that I’ve never had trouble understanding broken English or accents, a gift that has helped me not just to understand those for whom English is a second language but also in working with the children I do who often have severe speech impairments.

I told her I understood her just fine, and I think that meant a lot to her. She started to cry and told me how hard life has been for her ever since she came to this country because she could not overcome her accent. She told me that while it hurt no one could understand her; it was the ways that people let her know that they could not understand her that hurt the most.

What struck me too, even more than her plight, was that despite the treatment she’d received and her pain she loves this country deeply. She lectured me through tears about how lucky I was to live where there was such freedom and privilege and told me sternly never to take it for granted because these freedoms and privileges are never safe and secure. She told me nowhere is safe and secure. She told me never to never ever allow my country to be taken, sold, or given away but instead to always fight.

I don’t know that I agreed with her perspective completely—America may be great but it is far from perfect—but I certainly respected what she said and she has made me think about what my love for this country looks and feels like. I think my love for America is an unselfish, unpossessive, open-minded, and, obviously, a progressive kind of love.

I think America is so great I don’t mind sharing her with the world.

The morning was tough but less tough than it was originally supposed to be, so I’m happy. I got the work done quickly and found some time for a bit of reading and my little courses. My mood and self-esteem have improved though not by much. It helps that I can actually feel time moving along today. Yesterday I was at a standstill.

I’m convinced perspective is my problem right now. I don’t mean to say that all these bad feelings are just in my head, though, of course, they are. What I mean is, it’s real, but it’s fixable. I just need to do the hard things and tough out these difficult times. I have to remember to be proud of myself for the little efforts.


The afternoon was a different story. It was so frustrating I nearly cried but I came home to a loving wife, and pizza, and a nice hard cider all ready to go. The way a day ends can make all the difference.

My energy levels are severely low and it’s hard to think about anything but a nap. I’m avoiding work, just doing a few small inconsequential tasks to keep my coworkers from bothering me and opting instead to spend most of my day exploring the new web version of the Slowly app.. This isn’t productive, I know, but at least it feels nice. I’m trying hard to stay positive and I’m doing my best not to be too hard on myself. This helps right now. I know it’ll get easier tomorrow and through the rest of the week.

Today is just Monday.

On top of the fatigue the bad news keeps piling on and by the end of work I was feeling exhausted and emotionless. Everyone I love is going through such tough times and there is little I can offer them. It hurts to see them hurt. It hurts doubly to be able to do nothing but watch. I feel guilty for my privilege and angry that nothing I have can be given to help another. I’ve accumulated so much worthlessness.

I spent most of the day in the kitchen prepping the week’s breakfasts and then cooking dinner. I cleaned up and did some laundry too. I love taking care of us and our home. I love doing these little wifely things (of husbandly things if you happen to be a husband who does them), domestic things I never thought I could love but that have increasingly been a source of fulfillment and peace for me.

Tomorrow is Monday and, weirdly, my easiest day this week. I have to work but I’ve got nothing specific scheduled to do, nothing urgent or difficult. Tomorrow I’ll take care of some small easy things and try my best to set aside time to do things for me. I know I won’t get the same chance until the weekend rolls around again.

The goals this week will be simple. Keep doing what I have been doing and do a little less of what I think I love but don’t really.

The few days of jogging I did last week are catching up to me. My left leg is useless this morning so I’m skipping the days jog and adjusting the schedule. I have a knee support sleeve, Tylenol (doc says no more ibuprofen), and plenty of muscle pain relief patches to fix me right up. I hope to be back in my running shoes by tomorrow evening.

This morning I’m catching up on some much-needed thinking time instead. I’m calling it mindful procrastination.

I hypothesize that sitting in front of a screen trying, and trying, and trying isn’t always the best way to make something. Sometimes you have to use your brain while you do other things, while you clean, while you talk to others, while you walk the dog, while you watch TV. Regular procrastination means shutting off, this is using everything around you as a stimulant, a source, and a space.

I’m feeling pretty cruddy this morning. I think stress—and other bad feelings—are catching up to me. All week I had done so well getting up on time, going out to jog, getting to work on time, and keeping my spirits high, but today I can’t do any of that. Today I just need to feel.


Things improved.

Tonight we are going to my mother’s to celebrate two of my siblings birthdays. My wife and I came bearing gifts, good good, wine, and cake. I felt good to see them all and to make them feel special. I have a place and a purpose and life is not bad in every moment. There can bee good even while the the grip of the real world squeezes.

It started out as just a “challenging day”. From the moment I woke up I felt bad vibes in the cold air streaming from the open window above my bed. I got to work and all my well laid plans went out the door within minutes. I hate crisis. I hate reacting. I hate not knowing where I am going or what I am to do.

Very quickly it became a “hard day”. Work piled up and bad news came in through the phone. There are few ways out of the predicament and all solutions are bad ones. I’m not alone but we are alone. We know we must endure together but trying not to be at each others throats is exhausting.

By evening I was sure that what I was actually having was a “very bad day”. I’m falling apart and today I cannot hide it. I’m hurt, and scared, and angry, and it all comes from a place of love. I wish I was more for everyone but I am only me and that is why things go to shit so much. We are all only who we are though. It’s not a bad thing but that is no comfort either.

The bright side is I made it through. I’m trying to be grateful and to be optimistic but the best I can muster is the hope that whatever long term harm comes won’t last as long as my fears imagine.

I noticed the leaves changing today. Well, I noticed first yesterday but it was so little I imagined I imagined it. Today, I’m seeing it all over. Not on every tree but enough to indicate clearly that the beginning of the end has begun. I’m desperatly hanging on the thr hope that though the days are growing shorter and cooler it will be a long while more before I feel trapped and hopeless in winter again.


Two of my sisters, born years apart, one to a different mother and the other from a different father, celebrate their birthdays today. I called them both, one too tired to talk much and the other, well, in that case I was the one too tired to talk much. I haven’t been myself today. Either the fatigue is back or I am coming down with something. Everyone at work is sick and so are many of the kids. I hear it’s strep which I have always been susceptible too.

A larger part of me is convinced it’s all in my head.

The morning started out well but I’m feeling rather unnerved and I can’t figure out why. Everything is good. I’m on time. I’m relaxed. I’m getting shit done. I guess the reasons I should be feeling good are exactly the reasons I’m so worried. I’m not used to this feeling.

After the doctors visit yesterday I picked up a bottle of magnesium gel caps with the hope of not only improving my ulcerative colitis symptoms but of aiding in my quest for a good night’s sleep too. I took just one with dinner and—I know it’s probably all in my head but—I really feel like I slept better last night and got up right on time to go for a short jog this morning with no issue.

Last night I wasn’t able to get my body weight routine in, but, oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow evening. I may go out running again to make up some of the time and distance lost on my morning run to sidewalk closures this evening, but if I don’t, it’s fine too. I deserve the rest anyway.

I somehow have my shit together today and it’s kind of freaking me out. I arrived at work early, didn’t forget anything, had very little anxiety, and have managed to carve out a couple of hours of free time for myself. Later this afternoon I have a doctor’s appointment and consequently the afternoon off from work. I’m looking forward to both without stress or guilt. Who am I today?


Update: The doctor’s visit went really well. Starting tomorrow I will start tapering off of one of my medications entirely and in the next few months I will get to drop to a lower dose of the other. I can stop taking the iron supplements, but I have to keep taking the calcium and vitamin D and I have to add magnesium. More blood was drawn and soon I will need bone density and skin checks but it’s all just precaution.

My lab results are good. I feel good, and I have the best doctor and support system anyone could have asked for.

Every day I get closer to the old me.