I woke up a full hour earlier than my alarm and laid there staring at the walls in the dark and worrying about the wedding. We realized yesterday that, depending on when the reception venue owner will allow us to set up we may have to push our ceremony back 1 hour.
We realized this after the invitations went out with the times already set in stone and after we’ve given a timeline to the planner, the caterer, and now the photographer. I’ve reached out to the planner who will reach out to the venue owner but until I know for sure I cannot get it out of my head, or my body.
I’m tense and nauseous as I always am when I overreact. I’m worrying about adjacent things that I also have no control over including the weather and whether it will rain, or, somehow, worse, it will be miserably hot.
Luckily work is easy. In fact, I went home even earlier than what would be considered early and spent the rest of the day deep cleaning the house for my fiance who is stuck at work under very stressful conditions. This is also what I do when my anxiety is bad and my mind gets stuck. I make myself useful.
If I can’t ease my anxiety, it helps to ease someone else’s.
P.S. She says she loves the clean house, and it made all the difference for me, and her too, I hope.
After an awful night’s sleep, I, understandably, woke up feeling awful.
My back hurt, my head hurt, and though I probably could have gotten up and slammed coffee and ibuprofen until I felt well enough to go into work I just wasn’t in the mood to rush my body into it. So, I didn’t. I text the interested parties, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
After my morning nap, I slammed coffee and ibuprofen and tried to write. Of course, I ended up tackling piles of mail and laundry instead, oh well.
Tomorrow I’ll have to return to work, for real this time, but for now, I’m pretending that they always meant my weekend to be four days long. No guilt, no stress, nothing but guilt and relaxation.
P.S. We received some very good news today! Our engagement rings made it all the way back to Australia safe and sound for resizing and are already on their way back to us. I can’t wait to wear mine again!
Doing nothing yesterday meant that I had to play catch up today. I had to clean the kitchen and do all the laundry. Thankfully, my mind and mood we’re in cooperation and though I woke up later than planned I got right to work.
Now it’s nearly dinner time, the house is clean(er), I’ve caught up with the wedding planner, and even got a head start on upcoming posts, and yet, I feel almost more anxious than if I had done nothing. I wound myself up and got myself worrying there is so much more left to do when there isn’t.
There was no backyard celebrating for us today. We aren’t very big on the customary Memorial Day festivities both of us coming from families with military members. We consider it a reflective day.
I hope everyone no matter how they mark this day enjoys a safe one.
Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
I’m feeling good today but I’m moving slow, which isn’t terribly unusual, but I’m even slower than most slow Sundays. I haven’t been able to muster up the motivation to do much more than work on easy wedding things or to walk to and from the kitchen for snacks. I’m struggling to write or to focus enough to read. I loath to open Coursera and finish my overdue assignments there.
Today was my day. I had nothing pressing to do and nowhere at all I had to be but instead of doing all the things I’d been wanting to do, I simply did nothing at all and now I’m just disappointed.
But maybe coffee and good conversation will help? If it isn’t too late. The sun has gone down but the air outside is warm and the smell of rain still ingers from tonights thunderstorm. You can still hear it rumbling in the distance to the east if you listen closely. Pull up a chair, and fill up a cup, I’ve got some nice dark rum if your interested in spicing up your cup. Let’s talk about last week.
“I was feeling very comfortable; the coffee had warmed me up, and through the open door came scents of flowers and breaths of cool night air.”
— Albert Camus
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was a long time coming. It was the end of the 2018-2019 conventional school year. It was a chaotic and stressful week, and the weather being so cold and dreary didn’t help matters, but underneath all that anxiety and low spirits there was a sense of anticipation too.
Even though many of us will have to work through the summer the excitement of the children looking forward to long days of sleeping, swimming, eating, playing video games and going on trips rubs off on us and we find ourselves agitated and eager right along with them.
I had two kids graduate this year. One I’ve only known for one year and who only rode the bus half the time. I wished him luck and he thanked me in turn and left. It wasn’t an emotional affair. The other I have been transporting for 2 years and we’d grown close. It was a very different goodbye. I’m happy he’s moving on and glad to know he’s more excited than sad, but this route (which I hope to have for a thrid year in a row) just won’t be the same without him.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I went in for my second suit fitting yesterday and I was very pleased with the alterations. I no longer look like a child wearing her father’s suit. I look the way I imagine myself in my mind. I looked like who I really am. My fiance really liked it too which means more to me than anyone else’s opinion, often even my own.
I almost wish I’d done like her and kept my suit secret the way she has her dress from me but I needed someone to be wit me and she was the only one I wanted with me through this process. So, instead, I’ll be surprising everyone else.
We worked on a few other wedding things this week too. Meeting with the wedding planner and receiving homework really helped get us back on track, though we’re already late finishing that too. We do have our photographer checklist completed and we might have chosen a dessert alternative though I’m still worried about guest reaction to not having cake. We’ve finished up the best man’s suit, got our signs and our chalkboard markers, and put together a vender list for the planner.
We’re going to try to get our budget up to date and work on some of the unexpected expenses that have come up because just holding figures in my head we’re either miraculously under budget with plenty of wiggle room left or I’m wrong, I’ve missed something, or miscalculated and we are wildly past what we were supposed to spend.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that other than the end of the school year, and wedding things, not much has been going on. Not much can go one when I’m feeling so exhausted, so stressed, and with my budget as tight as it has been.
It’s been hard to ask for help. I still haven’t and still don’t want to but I’m seeing more and more that help is necessary. The thing is, you only get to plan one wedding, if you’re lucky, and I just can’t imagine not being a part of every aspect of it. I can’t imagine leaving other people to decide what my day should look like.
But we have less than two months to go now and while our planner assures us that we are on track we feel like there is too much left to do and too little time left to do it in. The fact is I may have to ask for help. I may have to let go of controlling everything and getting exactly what I want and allowing space for people to show how much they care by incorporating their vision into my own.
I guess at the end of the day only one thing really matters, and it has nothing to do with decor, or dessert, or the order of events and everything to do with us finally become a legally recognized family and sharing our love and appreciation for one another and our loved ones.
I’m trying very hard to rememebr that, sigh.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I long ago switched from coffee to wine and the change has done nothing but make me sluggish and tired. I can’t look at ceremony alters or think about what kind of photographs or what to put on the ceremony programs anymore. I can’t keep looking at these screens and if I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow I had better get to bed.
I hope that you had a good week and that you have a safe long weekend. I hope that your summer is off to a good start and that you have time to remember those who fought for you while you barbeque, and swim, and drink.
Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.
Until next time.
Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.
I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s a bad idea and I know I’ll regret it later but I don’t care. I’m doing nothing today. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not cleaning anything. I’m not reading anything. I might not even write anything.
I’m going to sit on the couch and look at nothing but Twitter and Facebook. I’m going to eat all the snacks we have and take a nap when I run out. Later tonight I’ll still be on the couch but by then I’ll, hopefully, be sipping a tall glass of red wine while binge-watching whatever looks good on Netflix.
Today is all about wedding attire. My fiance is already off to her dress fitting and in a few hours, we’ll both go check out the progress on my suit. I’m very nervous. I was the last time too.
I’m sure it will look better no matter what but it’s hard being a woman trying to make a men’s suit work. I feel like no one understands. I feel somehow embarrassed and ashamed. All I want is to feel and look like me for my wedding.
Ok, so my suit looks amazing! I was so nervous that I couldn’t tell that it did but my fiance assured me then that it did and now that a few hours have passed and I look back I am very pleased with the alterations. There is a bit more that has to be taken in and my pants weren’t ready so I will be back in two weeks but much of my anxiety has lifted. I think I will look great on the big day.
I want to take a moment to say how grateful I am to the tailor for acting as if this was a normal everyday thing. I don’t know how many men’s suits she has altered for women but she makes me feel comfortable; she makes me feel normal, and it means the world.
I really didn’t want to get up and go to work today. The week has been so very long and I’m so very ready to end it already. But it will be an easy day at least and I really want to get as many hours in at work while I can especially after receiving the news that my hours this summer would be substantially less than what I got last year.
It’s finally the official last day of school and the last day that our building will be open before renovations begin. There is chaos everywhere. I’ve been moving around from office to office trying to escape the noise and the confusion but it keeps finding me again and driving me out and chasing me to another room, and another, and another.
But the sun is out, and I got free pizza and a sonic slushie for lunch so it was actually a pretty good day. I’ll miss the coworkers who are off for the summer, going to another location for the summer, or moving on to other jobs for good. I’ll miss my kids too. I’ve got a big summer ahead of me but there is a part of me that is already longing for August.
It’s nearly the end of May and the beginning of summer but looking outside you wouldn’t be able to tell. I had to wear my gloves and hat to work today and turn up the heat in the office! At least the rain and snow has stopped but the clouds and the cold linger. This has been the most miserable May I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully, things are looking up in the forecast and tomorrow promises at least some sunshine.
I spent most of my morning cleaning my bus: sweeping and mopping the floor, wiping the windows, and scrubbing the grime off of each child’s seat until my body was sore.
I brought my phone, played my music loud and sang and danced while I worked, and now, I’m exhausted. I’m bored, and irritated, and wanting to go home. I’m doing what I can to stave off a headache coming on from lack of sleep, dehydration, and too much excitement, but no matter what I do or take I know nothing but a quiet room and a nap will prevent its eventuality.
P.S. I left work early and as soon as I got home and laid on the couch I was out. I slept for over an hour but woke up feeling much, much better. The sun is out now and I have my whole afternoon ahead of me to do whatever I want.
It’s the last day of the school year, for my kids anyway. I transport high school students and the schedule for final exams and graduations mean that I say my goodbyes two days sooner than most other routes. It means happy for summer. It means being anxious and hopeful about the new year, and it means tears for the kids moving on to adulthood.
I have two kids graduating this year, one I only just met this year and who never became very close to me and who stopped needing transportation weeks ago. I wished him the best of luck and moved on easily. The other I have known for two years now. We’ve grown close and his goodbye today hit me hard. I’ll miss him, and if I get a chance to do this route again next year it just won’t be the same.
Despite the endings and goodbyes, I’m having a hard time accepting that the year is over. I know it intellectually but emotionally I’m haven’t moved past two weeks ago. It looks like the end of the month is going to sneak up on me and find me failing at all of my goals again.
P.S. Despite it being one of my favorite books of all time I’ve been reluctant to start the Hulu series Catch-22. Tonight, having nothing else to watch and no motivation to do anything more fulfilling or productive, I gave it a shot. Three episodes in and I love it. It’s pared down sure, but much of the book’s humor and emotion has been retained. I recommend it!
I woke up to a shocking amount of snow accumulation in front of my house and on my car. Around 7:00 last night I noticed the rain turning over to snow, and I noticed it wasn’t turning back, but it seemed to be letting up. I was sure that while the morning would be drab and cold, that’s the worst it would be.
What I woke to was drab, cold, and about 4 or 5 inches of snow! There are downed tree limbs all over the city and a lot of exhaustion and frustration around my workplace. This is the last thing we needed to happen during the last week of school.
I’m struggling to keep my mood above professional. I’m struggling to be patient, open, and friendly. I’m struggling to be happy at all. I’ve just been so busy and there is always so much more to do, and on top of it all, I feel guilty because I know my fiance has it worse. Still, I’m feeling alone and angry and I don’t know how to get out of it or where to look for the good.
I’m trying not to force it. The fact is, I’m not happy right now and pretending to be won’t make it so. Instead, I’m just getting through it, which is fine. I don’t need, or even want to be happy all the time, but I do need to keep going. Maybe that is the small good I’m looking for? Maybe resilience is what I should cling to now?
P.S. We got homework from the wedding planner and a checklist to fill out for the photographers. It’s amazing and terrifying how quickly things are coming together. Just under two months left now! r tgigmI .
Lisa Marie Blair 