If We Were Having Coffee // A Thing You Give Away

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ll be honest with you, after a late night out last night, I am moving terribly slow today. I’m proud of myself for rising before 10:00 AM and further for getting a couple of things cleaned up around the house, though not as much as a typical Sunday for me. In my defense, it is also Father’s day and since we’ll be heading to my fiance’s parent’s house for the day I am rather limited on time. Considering all that, I’m doing pretty good!

But, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The weather is feeling much more summer-like than the last few weeks and I got a big strong batch of cold brew that will go perfectly with the late spring breeze coming in through every window. Let’s talk about last week.

but isn’t there always
one good thing
to look back on?

think of
how many cups of coffee we
drank together.”

— Charles Bukowski, Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was such a very long one. I worked my usual hours at my usual location two days this week but I also took three days of classes at a conference I was invited too.

The conference wasn’t at all what I expected or hoped it to be and next year, if I am invited back again, I will opt to take very different classes than I did this time around. It wasn’t that they were boring, uninformative, nor were the instructors ill-prepared or incorrect on any point. The problem was, I knew all the information I was presented with already. I’d been learning it, and teaching it for years myself. I had hoped to learn something new. I was hoping for a challenge, a mind shift, an Aha! moment, something to bring back to my team that would enhance or add to what we already do, but I found nothing like that at all.

I did appreciate the refresher though and two of the instructors I had differed greatly from one another and helped me clarify my own training philosophies and techniques either in agreement or in staunch opposition with theirs. And if nothing else I at least enjoyed the change of pace and I was grateful and honored to be chosen as important enough to attend by my own district.

By Friday I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Many of my coworkers attended the conference along with me and some of them had very different ideas about what our purpose and place there was. There were moments when I was frustrated and moments where I felt embarrassed. I was a hard week and I am glad it is finally behind me!


If we were having coffee, I would tell you this weekend is a very special and a very busy one too.

Friday night after work my wife to be and I spent the evening watching movies, painting our nails, doing face masks, eating breakfast tacos and doing shots of tequila together to kick off Denver’s Pridefest weekend. The week had been hard on both of us and we needed a little self-care, a chance to blow off steam, and a moment to celebrate ourselves!

Saturday we were up early, more self care more taking time to be with each other and to breathe. We walked to the light rail station and headed downtown in the early afternoon to meet our very best gay friends for a day and night on the town.

The day was a perfect one, too hot at first but it quickly cooled down just enough to make us really appreciate the contrast. We walked for hours buying or winning special rainbow edition merch and sharing gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and cans of beer. We had burgers and cocktails for dinner and enjoyed a game of drag queen bingo where both my fiance and I won even more special edition rainbow merch to take home.

Last night we partied. We danced and drank, playing jumbo versions of Jenga and Connect Four, and just enjoyed being a part of our community. I’ll be honest, I may have enjoyed it a little more than I should have and I am feeling it this morning. I don’t regret a single thing.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is still moving ahead steadily but we are definitely feeling the time crunch. We’ve just over one month to go now and it seems like no matter how much we check off the to-do list there is always more and more left to go. We are over it!

I’ve said it plenty of times here but we really just want to be married already. We want to be a married couple and that is it. The more we do, and decide, and spend for this event the more I realize that the cliched “it’s your wedding” response to any complaint or frustration is a lie, or at best, a half-truth. It is my wedding but I no longer believe it is for me.

That isn’t a bad thing, though. A wedding, I’ve come to believe, is a gift instead. A gift you pick out, sure, a gift that tells your unique story, sure, but a gift nonetheless, a thing you give away.

This day is for my guests, and our community, our friends and family and supporters. This is how we say thank you, how we show our appreciation, and how we give something back. That is why I feel so much pressure and why I am willing to do so much just to say I do, I want to give back something truly thoughtful and beautiful.

This week we’re going to just keep on matching forward the best we can. We have a lot of little loose ends to tie up over transportation and attire and we have to get going on some of the big DIY projects. We’re also going to apply for our marriage license this week!


If we were having coffee I would tell you that, work wise, next week will be the last easy one before a very hard one I’ve been dreading since school ended. The week after this all my bosses will be off and it will be up to me and my team to teach a new class of employees. I’m beyond terrified but my team is eager to step up and I’m hoping that means at least an even distribution of teaching time.

Writing wise I’m going to start fleshing out some essay ideas I put together last week and working on the execution of my creative project. I found a neat little instructional article on how to write a 3,000 word essay in a day and though I don’t plan to write them all in a day (some I’m sure will be impacted by my chronic procrastination) I thought the step-by-step process could benefit me over the course of days and help me keep going and keep up with my goal.

I’m also getting back to my MOOCs and promising myself to make some reading progress. I know that after this week I may have to scale back again to make room for wedding things as the date draws closer and for work things as we get closer to the end of the summer.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there are dark clouds on the horizon and good smells coming from the kitchen which lets me know it’s getting late and time for me to go be with family.

I hope you had a great week and that you were able to find the balance between the work you must do for others and the work you must do for yourself. I want to wish all the dad’s out there a happy Father’s Day too. I hope you feel loved and celebrated today.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Gaby Baldiskaite on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Celebrate Your Beautiful Selves

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m sorry for the late meeting but I had some early wedding things to do and pressing preparations to make for our upcoming Pridefest plans. After I got home from the appointments, shopping, and family visits I inadvertently fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up (with a headache, a stomachache, and some doubts about what time or day it was) cooking dinner was out of the question. So, there was a quick run for beer and hot wings and then a new episode of HBO’s Big Little Lies, and now I am finally ready for a small cup of strong coffee and a bit of vanilla bean ice cream to go with.

So, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I’ve got a gorgeous new white moka pot I’ve been experimenting with and I think I finally have the right technique down. Let’s talk about last week.

“Black as night, sweet as sin.”

— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys


If we were having coffee I would apologize for missing our chat last Sunday. I’ll be honest with you, I have no good excuse for not being here. I didn’t have any critical commitments, and I wasn’t at all sick. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling unmotivated and irritated. I’ve felt really tired and doing anything, even the things I love, got harder and harder to do as the days wore on. Last Sunday, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get up the motivation to finish typing up the post no matter how much I wanted to and I promise you I wanted to very much.

The problem is fatigue. I feel a strange exhaustion in my limbs and behind my eyes that I just can’t shake. Though it’s true, I haven’t been sleeping well I know that this kind of tired needs more than a good night’s rest. I think my medicine, though it’s working and keeping my ulcerative colitis in remission, is also making me feel rather cruddy.

My doctor mentioned months ago exploring the idea of lowering the dose of one medication and I’ve noticed many in my IBD support groups going down to a lower dose on the second medication I’m on. I think it’s time I put my anxiety aside and ask her to consider the option. I’d love to find out who I am with less of this stuff in my body.


If we were having coffee, I would lighten the mood and tell you that this weekend marks the beginning of a very important month for me, pride month! This year’s pride marks 50 years since the Stonewall riots in New York City and the beginning of the LGBT Rights movement in the United States.

Most years we either do a night out with friends or catch the parade just the two of us but this year we are going to do it all. This year we’ll visit the festival during the day to check out some shows, and then head to our favorite LGBT friendly restaurant for burgers and beers. That evening we’re going to get some much-needed dancing and drinking in. On Sunday we may meet late again since I’ll be up early for the parade and brunch, the gayest meal of the day. I have a new outfit and a great and diverse group of friends to celebrate my beautiful self with. I cannot wait!

The rest of the day will be devoted to dads though we’ve made no concrete Father’s Day plans or gifts. I’ve been so last minute on everything this year, sigh. 


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is going well. We got a few more of our decor items in the mail and many of my accessories are on the way. We got the budget under control and we found out that we may have a few extra dollars in the savings to splurge in new areas we thought we couldn’t. We may get to have a real DJ and a couple nights at an Airbnb nearby. 

Today’s visit with the photographer went really well! This was the first time we met her and we already like her. She seems to understand what we want, and she’s flexible enough to deal with our indecision. We have yet to meet the second photographer but just knowing we have her and our amazing planner has me breathing a big sigh of relief. 

The big issues now are transportation—of us and of all the pretty decor things we have made—and that serious lack of guests RSVPing. I’m almost hurt. I am hurt, but we have a few friends we had to leave out due to the venue capacities that might want to make it. I wonder what my relationship with those who declined will be like after the big day, after the most important day and they didn’t show up.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be a busy one. I’m attending another conference though only for three days this time. I’m looking forward to it but because my job sent nearly everyone in our department it feels a little pointless for me to be there, but what do I care? I get paid by the hour and this is at least a chance to do something new.

The only drawback is that I won’t be getting home as early as I was and writing and reading time will take a significant hit. Not that I have been doing a great job lately, anyway. I have been cleaning up my Simplenote app and organizing some of my old ideas into new possibilities. I’ve decided to start an essay a week project in July and without a good place to keep things organized and to hold my thoughts as they occur to me I know I’m doomed to fail.

I don’t know yet if every essay will be posted here, or if I want to write some for Zen and Pi, my old blog I’ve been trying to work out how to revive, or if they will be pitched to other publications. My instincts tell me that for now, these pieces are going to suck and this place is where I give myself permission to suck.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I love chatting with you here it is getting late and if I want to have any chance of a good night’s sleep and any hope of a good morning I had better head to bed. 

I hope that you had a good week and that whatever you hoped to get done you were able. I hope you found time for yourself and that some of that weight you carry has been lifted somehow. I hope all my queer readers stay safe and I hope wherever you are you are able to celebrate your beautiful self soon too.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Featured image via domestikate

If We Were Having Coffee // A Late Night Cup

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling good today but I’m moving slow, which isn’t terribly unusual, but I’m even slower than most slow Sundays. I haven’t been able to muster up the motivation to do much more than work on easy wedding things or to walk to and from the kitchen for snacks. I’m struggling to write or to focus enough to read. I loath to open Coursera and finish my overdue assignments there.

Today was my day. I had nothing pressing to do and nowhere at all I had to be but instead of doing all the things I’d been wanting to do, I simply did nothing at all and now I’m just disappointed.

But maybe coffee and good conversation will help? If it isn’t too late. The sun has gone down but the air outside is warm and the smell of rain still ingers from tonights thunderstorm. You can still hear it rumbling in the distance to the east if you listen closely. Pull up a chair, and fill up a cup, I’ve got some nice dark rum if your interested in spicing up your cup. Let’s talk about last week.

I was feeling very comfortable; the coffee had warmed me up, and through the open door came scents of flowers and breaths of cool night air.

— Albert Camus


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was a long time coming. It was the end of the 2018-2019 conventional school year. It was a chaotic and stressful week, and the weather being so cold and dreary didn’t help matters, but underneath all that anxiety and low spirits there was a sense of anticipation too.

Even though many of us will have to work through the summer the excitement of the children looking forward to long days of sleeping, swimming, eating, playing video games and going on trips rubs off on us and we find ourselves agitated and eager right along with them.

I had two kids graduate this year. One I’ve only known for one year and who only rode the bus half the time. I wished him luck and he thanked me in turn and left. It wasn’t an emotional affair. The other I have been transporting for 2 years and we’d grown close. It was a very different goodbye. I’m happy he’s moving on and glad to know he’s more excited than sad, but this route (which I hope to have for a thrid year in a row) just won’t be the same without him.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I went in for my second suit fitting yesterday and I was very pleased with the alterations. I no longer look like a child wearing her father’s suit. I look the way I imagine myself in my mind. I looked like who I really am. My fiance really liked it too which means more to me than anyone else’s opinion, often even my own.

I almost wish I’d done like her and kept my suit secret the way she has her dress from me but I needed someone to be wit me and she was the only one I wanted with me through this process. So, instead, I’ll be surprising everyone else.

We worked on a few other wedding things this week too. Meeting with the wedding planner and receiving homework really helped get us back on track, though we’re already late finishing that too. We do have our photographer checklist completed and we might have chosen a dessert alternative though I’m still worried about guest reaction to not having cake. We’ve finished up the best man’s suit, got our signs and our chalkboard markers, and put together a vender list for the planner.

We’re going to try to get our budget up to date and work on some of the unexpected expenses that have come up because just holding figures in my head we’re either miraculously under budget with plenty of wiggle room left or I’m wrong, I’ve missed something, or miscalculated and we are wildly past what we were supposed to spend.


If we were having coffee I would tell you that other than the end of the school year, and wedding things, not much has been going on. Not much can go one when I’m feeling so exhausted, so stressed, and with my budget as tight as it has been.

It’s been hard to ask for help. I still haven’t and still don’t want to but I’m seeing more and more that help is necessary. The thing is, you only get to plan one wedding, if you’re lucky, and I just can’t imagine not being a part of every aspect of it. I can’t imagine leaving other people to decide what my day should look like.

But we have less than two months to go now and while our planner assures us that we are on track we feel like there is too much left to do and too little time left to do it in. The fact is I may have to ask for help. I may have to let go of controlling everything and getting exactly what I want and allowing space for people to show how much they care by incorporating their vision into my own.

I guess at the end of the day only one thing really matters, and it has nothing to do with decor, or dessert, or the order of events and everything to do with us finally become a legally recognized family and sharing our love and appreciation for one another and our loved ones.

I’m trying very hard to rememebr that, sigh.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I long ago switched from coffee to wine and the change has done nothing but make me sluggish and tired. I can’t look at ceremony alters or think about what kind of photographs or what to put on the ceremony programs anymore. I can’t keep looking at these screens and if I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow I had better get to bed.

I hope that you had a good week and that you have a safe long weekend. I hope that your summer is off to a good start and that you have time to remember those who fought for you while you barbeque, and swim, and drink.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Julien Labelle on Unsplash

138 // Just Two More Months

Well, I didn’t make the 6:00 AM weekend writing wake up time exactly on the dot, but being only 15 minutes late or so after forgetting to set the alarm entirely is quite an accomplishment and I’ll take it.

This morning I’m posting early because a very busy day is on the way and after it starts, I won’t have any time for me until I’m too tired to think anymore.

Last night we found out there is a place giving discount vaccinations, microchips, and registration for dogs so Lola is going to a surprise vet visit this morning, poor thing. After that we’re going shopping for more wedding things, then meeting with our officiant, who is also my cousin, to discuss the script over coffee, and then well go back out for more wedding shopping.

This week will mark just two more months until our big day. I’m starting to believe the hardest part of marriage is being “almost married”.


P.S. Lola did great getting her shots. She’s quite a nervous dog, and I worried she would bark or whine the whole time, or worse try to bite other dogs or people, but she turned out to be one of the most well behaved of all the dogs there. I’m a very proud fur mom today!

If We Were Having Coffee // Beginning the Birthday Celebrations

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m exhausted this weekend. The week has been long and though I got through it fine—with the help of pure determination and copious amounts of caffeine—but my body has come to its limit and crashed. Yesterday I could hardly leave the couch. Today is better but not by much. Coffee helps and being able to take the day slowly keeps the threat of a bad mood at bay.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. It’s day’s like this I miss a good strong espresso but two or three cups from the Moka pot should provide the same results.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

― Christina Tosi


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week started off low-key but by the end, I was exhausted and stressed out of my mind.

I had expected a slow work schedule but by Tuesday my boss was telling me that a new class of employees would start and I’d have to give up the free time I’d hoped to spend on reading and writing and put it to use for work instead.

To be honest though, the work wasn’t bad. This class was a good one, collectively both smart and entertaining. I was even happy to see that they were all women.

It’s certainly rewarding to train people who struggle and who, through your help, come to understand and excel at their job, but there’s nothing like the refreshing feeling of teaching people who get it right away, who can easily understand your mind and reasoning and align their train of thought and belief to yours automatically.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite all the stress and the work I have been feeling so much better lately. I have some of my old natural energy back and I’m feeling like my old self too.

I’ve been on my new medication for a little over a week now and while I don’t know for sure that the sudden improvement is because of the medicine but the timing matches up. Other explanations can be the sudden return of Spring and the aforementioned increased anxiety. Either way, I’m finally feeling good, mostly.

The energy seems to come and go suddenly. One minute I’m ready to keel over and sleep wherever I am and the next I’m bouncing off the walls. I’m struggling to get out of bed and get ready in the morning but by my usual nap time I’m ready to go for a run or do some jumping jacks. I’m talking fast and jumping from one subject to another mid sentence for no reason and as soon as someone needs me to make a decision or complete a task my mind is powering down and refusing to work.

I’m trying not to get too frustrated. Energy levels that fluctuate are better than energy levels that stagnate. I’m grateful to have moved from the latter to the former, I just wish I had more warning, or that the changes were more gradual so I could plan and shift accordingly.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Friday we had a big party at work for one of my bosses who has accepted a new position at another district. We are all very happy for her, of course, but the occasion was palpably bittersweet.

I think every work place has that one employee that always comes in with a smile. Every company has someone who seems to run on endless energy and who never tires of their day-to-day drudgery. THis person can sometimes annoy us. Sometimes we are sure something must be deeply wrong with them, but no matter what we think this person doesn’t care. They go on making the office their home and treating everyone like family.

The boss who left, she was one of those people and now that she is going we all realize that there will be quite a big hole left behind. There is no one else who has the same persistence, the same joy, the same way of making us all feel good the way she did and we know that as good as this opportunity will be for her, all of us will be left behind and left worse off by her going.

Morale may be headed off a cliff if someone doesn’t step up and step into those shoes soon.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there has been more big wedding planning progress made.

My fiance went wedding dress shopping and, from what I have been told, found the dress of her dreams! We aren’t sticking to many traditions but she’s adamant that I not see her dress until the big day. I’m okay with that, though I felt admittedly jealous I missed all the fun. At the same time I’m so happy that she found the perfect dress the first time she went looking.

We also have new rings on the way. Both of us have engagement rings but one is the wrong size, and the other isn’t of the best quality so we’ve opted for new ones that match (without being identical) and that we know will last a lot longer than our first set.

We got our catering proposal. It isn’t exactly what we had in mind, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. The options are growing on us and after a few tweaks we may be able to finally move on to the smaller but much more numerous items.

Invitations will go out within a week or two and after that, one way or another, we are putting on this event. There is no turning back now which is both encouraging and terrifying.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be the start of my birthday celebrations. I don’t have very big plans this year, just a day at the museum, a few dinners, and a night of dancing.

I have plans for a small sisters only dinner on Friday and on Saturday here is a huge Leonardo da Vinci exhibit at the Museum of Nature and Science I have been dying to see. Sunday we’ll be in the foothills doing a mini engagement photo shoot for our wedding website.

The weekend after this I’m planning a big dinner for all of my friends and a night out dancing at our favorite gay nightclub. I’m excited but this is the first year that my birthday is not the biggest event I am planning. The wedding has eclipsed everything.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the caffeine wore off a long time ago, and my willpower is waning as well. I need to lie down for a nap before the evening falls and I have to begin preparing for the week.

I hope your week was a good one. I hope that you are well and that the passing of the first quarter of the year finds you with much accomplished and leaves you with motivation and inspiration to carry you through the season.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

081 // Wedding Progress and Us

We made some big decisions today. We’ve booked a photographer, two photographers actually! We have moved forward with a caterer though the price tag was shocking at first. And we’ve decided to have someone close to us, someone without whom we would never have even known each other, officiate our ceremony. It’ll be more work but it is one of the very few decisions the just felt right.

After all that wedding work we left for our movie date. We saw Us, the new horror film from Jordan Peele. It was good and you should definitely see it, but I don’t have the words to explain why. I’m still processing it. It’s more than what you see in the trailers. It’s more than a horror film. That’s all I know.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

075 // I Want to Feel Like a Bride Too

We worked on a few wedding things tofay the most significant of which is that I may have finally figured out what I am wearing.

It’s hard being a genderqueer bride, you know? I don’t want to wear a dress but I still wantwto feel like a bride. I want to wear a suit that has a slightly feminine feel to it. I found a floral print suit I wanted, but it was out of stock. Then I thought about wearing pink but then we would have to change the bridesmaid’s dresses.

But then it occurred to me that, as a bride, I should simply wear white! I found a white suit but I’m still feeling anxious about it. The next step is measurement and alterations, and as a genderqueer woman who feels most comfortable wearing masculine coded clothing but who has a body that is curvy and feminine, trying to reconcile what I want to wear, and what I can wear can be frustrating and humiliating.

I wish the world wasn’t so segregated by gender. I wish that it was easier to find women’s clothes that fit men’s bodies, and men’s clothes that fit women’s bodies. I wish there was no such thing as men’s and women’s clothing at all, and that we could all find the clothes we want to wear in sizes that fit us comfortably. I wish I could be seen as a bride even though I won’t be wearing a dress, and I wish there were more places for me to go where I would be treated as normal and beautiful in my own right.

Sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren