I’m doing well again this morning. I have my energy back and my perspective is well to the positive side of things. I suspect the highs and lows I’ve been experiencing are hormonal, or maybe it’s only the weather, or maybe I’m not feeling anything abnormal at all. Maybe everyone goes through this.

There’s a new post up at Zen and Pi, the first new piece of writing there in a year or more, and a tweaked About page. It felt so good to write something outside of journal entries and updates that I am already hard at work on another. I’m hoping for weekly writing but will settle for biweekly or monthly if I have to.

The rest of the day I spent reading. I’m about 50 pages from finishing Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky and things are getting very exciting. I’m ready to give up the whole notion of free will and the tear down the entire justice system to make way for more understand, compassionate, and constructive institutions. As tough as this book has been, I honestly cannot wait to read it again someday.

I’ve lost the energy and focus of yesterday but I’m trying, trying, trying to make it through my to-dos and goals. I tried eating my meals on time, drinking more water, I tried coffee, and walking, and socializing too. Nothing is working and the more I try, try, try, the more tired my eyes feel and the easier it is to find myself sucked into a social media hole.

I suppose a few paragraphs written of a few drafts here and there, and a few pages read will have to be enough. The week is half over and I already feel behind. I think I just need to finish something. That is the new, and only, goal for the day.

I think I might have done it. I might have finished a thing. We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow morning when I wake and read it over with fresh eyes but I imagine my future self will feel much like I feel right now, desperate to believe I have accomplished something, finally! I’ll give myself a little more time for edits but one way or another it’s going up. I need proof of effort, of progress, of possibility.

This morning was a good one. I woke up on time despite forgetting to check that my alarm was set last night and I got ready for work so smoothly I still can’t shake the feeling I must have forgotten something critical.

I got to work early and had plenty of time to prepare for my route and then hardly any kids showed up. The person I was supposed to test after my route ended up canceling and I have hours to myself for quiet work and a few podcasts.

It’s turning out to be a pretty good day!

Today turned out to be an uneventful day and uneventful, it turns out, is more exhausting than busy. 

I had time for what I wanted to do but the time I put into my personal pursuits only ever amount to incremental, almost imperceptible, progress whereas my day job is made up of tasks with beginnings, clear steps, and satisfying endings. No wonder I choose my day job over my passions so often. No wonder chasing my dreams feels so silly, pointless, and impossible in comparison.

Still, even with these negative and nagging thoughts in my head, part of me is happy. Perhaps that is the feeling I am chasing. Perhaps it will get bigger with time.

Yesterday we were near 70 degrees, today we never got above freezing. I woke up to falling snow and spent the morning bracing myself through icy road conditions and bad traffic. Working on a school bus I never thought being on a delayed schedule did any good until today when I saw what happens when we should and don’t.

Despite the miserable weather, and my body feeling miserable too, I was able to knock a few to-do items off of my list. Merging my separate lists together and keeping the items simple is already proving to be a big help. I like being able to see at a glance exactly what I need to get done and working through each item one-by-one until they are all done. It feels good.

It was my night to cook which means not only is my mood shot (I hate cooking but my wife and I switch off so that no one has to be miserable every night) but I have a lot less time for the things I’d hoped to accomplish. That’s ok though, today was a good effort and what could get done can easily roll over into Tuesday. I’ll have less time during the day but more time at night, and Wednesday will be less time during either and Thursday I scheduled more time during both.

I’m trying to find the balance.

Goals // Week 46

This week should be a lot easier than the last two with my work responsibilities winding down for a while and I plan to spend that time catching up on all the time I missed spending on my own hobbies and personal pursuits.

This week I want to:

Take care of myself. I’ve stressed my mind and body too much and skipped too many doses of my medication these last couple of weeks. Moving forward my sleep, food, and medication schedules have to become my top priorities again. Also, as a consequence of my self-neglect, I need to contact my doctor and discuss my returning symptoms before things get any worse.

Update: I made sure to keep my work schedule light, to go to bed on time, to eat my meals on time, to move my body a little more, to get outside a little, and, most importantly, to take my medication. I wasn’t perfect, but I was so much better than the last two weeks. I count that as a win.

Walk on the warm days. The weather forecast is predicting six out of the next seven days will see near 60-degree highs. I know that nothing eases seasonal depression like the warmth, sunshine, and exercise. Soon there will be days and days where the cold wind will blow and the clouds will stick around. Fight the melancholy while you can!

Update: I’ve been feeling so tired that dedicating any block of time to walking felt beyond any amount of energy I could muster. I did make an effort to take short walks between the buildings at work throughout the day but because I didn’t even hit my step counts goals I can’t count it as a win.

Finish reading the last of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky. I have less than 150 pages left now and if I buckle down and read a little every day, I could finally move on to something else, something I’m looking forward to desperately.

Update: I did it! Just before bedtime Sunday night I turned the last page of the nearly 1000 page volume and set it down for the last time. I loved the book and I plan to write a proper review soon. I even plan to read it again, next year perhaps, but right now all I want to do is start a new book, The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, something to get lost in.

Post a short introductory post to Zen and Pi. I purged the site over the weekend in preparation for a new beginning and like a new notebook or a pristine canvas, it’s only after you’ve marred the perfection that you can allow for creativity and mistakes.

Update: It not very good, and it’s not very interesting, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and it isn’t even exactly what I had hoped to say when I started it but it’s up. I plan to post more, weekly, maybe, or closer to monthly, probably, but as often as I can for sure. I only need to work at it every day and to remember that the goal is to get each piece just 80% where I want it.

Mark everything off of my to-do list every day. My list isn’t very intense. It’s just one or two small things to do both during my breaks at work and after I get home from work. I’d like to get these small things done during the week rather than saving all the small things for the weekends and leaving no time for larger projects or time to get out and do something fun.

Update: I was doing really well at first, but just after midday on Thursday I’d lost the momentum. I want to say I got 50% through my weekly list but that might be a little too generous. In my defense, it was the first week since I merged all my lists and put so much effort into completing so many tasks. I made progress.

This week I won’t be too hard on myself and I won’t ask too much of myself either. I need to destress. I need to take a break. I need to focus on me while I can. That isn’t a weakness, and that isn’t wasting time. It’s being protective, disciplined, and healthy, and it’s admirable.

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

Productive Sundays are the best kind of Sundays but all of my Sundays would be even more productive if I made my Saturdays more productive too.

In addition to everything I got done today I revived and merged all my to-do lists into one big list. I have one or two things to do (outside of work) per day, that’s all, and if I can get them done, by this time next week, I’ll have freed up enough time to tackle some real projects rather than having to spend all day on a hundred little chores.

Of course, the hardest part is never anything that’s actually on the list but rather keeping the list in focus in the first place. Wish me luck!