220 // Pretty Proud of Myself

My anxiety is sky high today! I have a very long, very important, virtual class to attend today and I’ve heard I will have to participate a lot. I hate participating.

At least, even though I’m doing this all from my little corner desk at home, I won’t be alone. My whole work team will be in the class with me and we’ll be texting each other the whole time. Afterward, I hear I’ll have an exam too. Even though I have little doubt I’ll pass, tests have always terrified me. I can study until I know the material inside and out, but as soon as it’s time to test my knowledge my mind goes blank.

Considering everything going through my mind, it’s probably best I get a long mediation session in, then get my water, my coffee, my snacks, and all my comforts set up to begin. Wish me luck!


I made it! The class was long and nerve-wracking. I’m exhausted. I did have to participate a lot, but thankfully the facilitators allowed us to work in small groups rather than in front of the whole class. I had hoped at first to get a chance to work with my coworkers, but I kept randomly getting placed with strangers. Now I’m grateful. I’m facing a lot less embarrassment after the fact.

Still, I can’t wait to hear more about what they learned and the ideas they have. For my part, I took extensive notes and plan to do what I do best, drastically change our training focus and make more work for myself.

I’m feeling pretty proud of myself too. I not only made it through, but I even passed my online exam 100%! Now it’s time to treat myself and indulge in some fast food: cheeseburgers, cajun fries, a nice cold hard cider, a big bowl of raspberry sorbet, a couple hours of mindless TV, and an early bedtime. I’ve earned it!

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Sometimes people try to help you but only end up making you feel small. Sometimes people giving you more opportunities only reminds you of what you can’t do.

I love what I do, I’m good at what I do, and I am happy doing what I do but I do think I deserve more for my contributions. Instead of paying me more for what I do what I am often offered is more money to do something else and no one can seem to wrap their head around why I might not want that.

I have years of knowledge on anyone else around me. My knowledge is specialized but I have the time and the patience to delve deep. I elevate the standards and keep the liability low. My job is important and having someone confident and competent in my position is important.

But that’s one of the many things wrong with our corporate structure now. The people in power believe that entry-level positions should be filled with low quality, unqualified, disinterested workers, but keeping passionate, intelligent, and interested people happy at all levels should be a priority too.

People can do good work and effect profound change from the bottom and they deserve recognition and support there too.