Tag: Journal

I’m back at work today and feeling so much better than I have all week. I made it through the whole day with just a bit of fatigue near the end of the workday and some throat soreness in the evenings. I’m sure with another day of rest I would have been even better off but Capitalism won’t let me take that much time for myself, you know?

The weather didn’t affect me as badly as I thought it would. It was cold—bitter cold!—and it snowed but I was lucky enough to get to spend at least the morning indoors helping in the office.

Usually I hate the snow but as I walked between the buildings and in and out of the office today, I took my time. I let the soft flakes fall on my face. I watched the moisture from my own breath condense in the air. I listened to the silence, and I listened to sounds traveling from far away on the cold air. It’s actually kind of beautiful.

I’ve never felt that way about winter weather before.

I was supposed to try again today but I’m still feeling so sickly I knew if I tired I would only end up right back at home just like yesterday. So, I stayed in, again. I know it’s what’s best for me but I really feel guilty now. Usually when I feel guilty about taking time for my health, I end up pushing myself to be productive when I should be resting but today I’m fighting the urge. I can’t go on missing work so I’m forcing myself to stay in bed and to sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. I’m only up to eat, to take medication, and to drink fluids, that is it!

If I am not feeling better by tomorrow, I’m definitely seeing a doctor.

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It worked! I think I’m finally on the mend. By the time my wife made it back home from work I was feeling so much better. I’m coughing a lot less and when I do it is much more productive. My airways are clearing out and I don’t feel as fatigued or disoriented as I did this morning. Even my body aches are better!

I’m looking forward to work tomorrow, even though the weather is taking a nasty turn for the worst. We’re expecting at least a 40 degree drop in temperatures between this afternoon and tomorrow, from the high 70s to the mid-30s! Snow is forecasted too though I’m not sure how much. I wish it we’re going to be a better weather day for my return to work. Oh well.

So, I’m searching out our winter gear and setting out warm clothes. Tomorrow winter arrives, but just for the day I hear. By Friday afternoon we are back in the 50s and by Sunday 70!

Ok, I tried, I really did, but whatever I have is hanging on and really kicking my ass. I did manage to get myself up and dressed and into work on time but I’d been miserable, disoriented, sweating, and exhausted since I arrived. I looked so bad my boss said I should go home and I jumped at the chance. I came home, did the dishes so I wouldn’t feel bad, and slept the rest of the afternoon away.

Increasingly I’m worried what I have is not a minor cold but the flu. That would be just my luck. I get a flu shot every year but this year I got too busy to get into the clinic right away and here I am laid up on the couch (where I have been quarantined since Sunday night!) sniffling, coughing, and aching. At least I don’t have a fever, and at least I have a job I know will hold my place while I recover for a few days.

For now, I’m just going to sleep for the rest of the day and hope it’ll finally be enough to get me through the worst of it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I’m stuck in bed today, wife’s orders. I had hoped that after a little rest I would start feeling better but since yesterday, since Friday really, I have just gotten worse. I’m not so much worried about this little cold as I am worried about what impact a passing cold can have on my chronic illness. Stressing my body can bring on a flare and if I go into a flare it would be like starting at square one again for my health. I’d be back on steroids, back to testing, back to doctor’s visits, and back to worrying constantly about what the next step is.

Of course, my doctor would tell me not to worry about that. She would tell me the worry was more likely to trigger an overactive immune response then the minor cold I’m fighting off. She would tell me that I’m doing good and that there isn’t even anything to worry about until that status changes. She would tell me to listen to my body, take care of myself, and relax and that is what I am going to try my best to do. I know how to get better and if I fail at that; I have people, both professionals and loved ones, that will get me through the next steps no matter what.

So, I think I am getting sick, again. Well, last time I thought I was getting sick but nothing came of it. This time I think it and I actually have the sore throat, the cough, the sinus pain, and the fatigue to back it up. This time I know it’s not all in my head, I think.

But, I’m pushing through because today we are heading going to the ballet! I have been looking forward to this for months, we both have, and I will not let a little cold get in the way. I remember years ago when I went to the ballet with a migraine. It was awful, but this won’t be as bad as that bad I think. I have a plan.

I’m going to consume and combine cold medicine, ibuprofen, copious amounts of caffeine, and just the right amount of alcohol (at brunch). I know on the surface and this sounds like a bad idea, but I know from previous experience that this recipe is almost magical. Trust me.

The work week is finally over, but instead of going home to rest and tune out for the evening I’m off to my baby nephew’s very first birthday party. Part of my is lamenting the loss of my relaxing Friday night routine, but another part of me is a little excited to go to.

I love each of my siblings’ children the same, that is, I love each of them so much that it almost hurts. I love how they are all little versions of my brother’s and sisters (all of whom I also love like they were my own kids), but different too. I love getting to know them. I love how distinct each of their personalities are. I love being near so much potential and hope. I love being an aunt and birthdays are when I get to show that off a little.

I’m actually feeling really good this morning. I have no earthly idea why, since I didn’t sleep any better and work is as stressful as ever, but I know overthinking will ruin it, so I’m choosing to let myself simply enjoy it.

We have cloudy and cold conditions again for the third (or so) day in a row. I was trying to hold out as long as I could but I think it’s time to turn on the heat and to put away my summer things. It’s time to let go and to move on. Fall is firmly here.

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I’m getting sick, I know it. My throat has been swollen and raw since yesterday but I had been holding on to hope that it just got burned on some hot food I ate or something and would heal up in a day or two since I had no other symptoms (and even felt great just this morning). Since then it’s only gotten worse. Now I have an occasional cough and a persistent worry.

I really wish I hadn’t already taken a day off of work this week…

Today was incredibly chaotic, but, like, in a good way. I love feeling a part of something and not just any part, but an important part.

As much as we could do without the obligation of work, we can’t deny the community of it. Some of us try to and those people usually don’t last. They move on from job to job in—what I think—is a search not for their passion (which can be found anytime) but for something that feels like a home away from home. My workplace is far from perfect but I practically grew up there. It matters to me what they think. It matters to me to have a place and to contribute.

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I’ve been cleaning up the “creativity room” this week and tonight there was finally enough room to actually be creative in there. I took just a few short minutes to make some little cut-and-paste things. Nothing I feel like sharing yet. Honestly, it might be awhile before I’m ready to feel the pressure of social media and the anxiety that comes with “likes”, or the lack thereof.

I’m just happy to be creating, even just a little tiny bit. I’m happy to get away from my phone and from people and from expectation and productivity. I am happy to just be and to have fun for a change. Not that “adult fun” that’s really just hanging out with other adults and complaining about being adults. I’m talking about the kind of fun we had when we were kids, the kind we forgot to bring with us when we grew up, and it was exactly what I needed.

When I woke up this morning, the house was so cold, and I was still so tired, and my body ached, and my head ached, and my will to push through just wasn’t there. Getting up and rushing through my morning routine felt physically impossible. So, I listened to my body and took a self-care day.

Around midmorning my youngest sister stopped by to chat before school. Being the oldest sister I sometimes get caught up in feelings of bitterness and jealousy over the lives my younger siblings get to lead. I remember how much I gave up or how much I was never even allowed to have in the first place just because I came first. It get a little down about it sometimes, but sometimes but I feel an overwhelming pride too. They all turned out to be such good people and I’m honored to have played a role in that.

After she left, I wore myself out cleaning the house and doing a couple of small house projects because I never can take a whole day just for me; I feel too guilty, but I did get some reading in, and worked on the courses I’m taking, and made time for some fun blog things too.

I wish every day could be like this.