Journal – Page 44 – Lisa Marie Blair

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere but in bed right now.

It’s the last day of September and though the sun is shining and the weather is still very warm, I’m feeling pretty gloomy. I think knowing a change is coming—clouds and cooler temperatures and a whole new month tomorrow—is bringing out the pensive introvert in me. Conversations are tiring and connecting is pointless. I’d rather work alone than in groups right now.

At least the work day is easy. I have some energy, and I’m getting lots of small things done in place of the big things that got cancelled. It’s a blessing to have a job that is as undemanding as mine. There are chaotic days too, but they are fewer and further between than the calm ones.

It’s getting on toward the late afternoon now and the chilly wind through the neighbors’ trees is casting moving, almost glittering, shadows throughout the whole house. It looks almost as if we are underwater. It’s calming. Suddenly I remember I am happy. I remember that I have a wonderfully peaceful little life and that I’m thoroughly in love with every part of it.

Today was an “in between” kind of day. Not lazy, but not particularly eventful either. I spent much of the day doing blog things and cooking all of our breakfasts for the week. I did a little cleaning but not as much as I should have. The same goes for writing.

I’m dreading work tomorrow, of course. The weekend wasn’t nearly long enough or maybe it was but I wasted it. September ends tomorrow too and I’m both sad and excited to see it go. I’m not a big fan of fall and I loath winter so the further we get into the year now the more miserable I will become.

Still, Halloween is my favorite month of the year.

Too many margaritas last night means today was a lazy day. I got up at a decent hour and tried my best to fend off the headache and the fatigue I drank water, ate breakfast, took my meds and supplements, and even tried tea, but I never could get out of the funk, so I went back to bed so I could try again.

I woke up sometime later feeling much better but half the day had passed and there was no chance to do anything big. So, I finished … and caught up on missing posts here. I cleaned up the kitchen and made my wife some delicious vegetarian tacos too. We watched the Savage X Fenty lingerie show and the now we’re going to binge-watch more Preacher until we both start nodding off.

Life is good.

The light work schedule continues through today. I’m trying to take it easy. I didn’t sleep as well last night as I did the night before. This morning I rode on a route with an older woman and lamented my lack of a regular good night’s sleep. She asked me how old I was and told me it was normal for me. Apparently, according to this lady, women just don’t sleep well after they turn 30. Reason #103,657, if it’s true, that I wish I had been born a man.

I have some more supplements being delivered today. I’m already taking iron, calcium, vitamin D, magnesium, and I’ll be adding zinc and peppermint oil to the mix. I’ll keep taking the melatonin too but not for more than a few days at a time. I’m going to start walking during my lunch and I’m already watching my caffeine intake. I don’t know what more to do for myself beyond prescriptions.

I’ve been feeling so blah but tonight is turning out to be just what I needed. My wife brought home chicken tacos from our favorite place and made the most delicious margaritas. We have sopapillas for later and episode of Preacher on Hulu for the rest of the night. I had hoped we would go out with friends but I think this is what we needed even more.

I slept better than I have all week last night and though I’m still sluggish and ill-tempered it’s better and that’s something. I avoided watching TV and checking my phone and instead focused on cleaning up, reading, and getting ready for the next day. I took all my meds and supplements and added a 5mg melatonin pill to the mix when I went to be. The routine worked, but it wasn’t much fun.

I thought work was going to be hard but the woman I was supposed to train didn’t show and suddenly I had a few free hours I have no idea what to do with. I want to read and to work on my courses but I’m feeling too discouraged to try. This book is so thick I feel I will never finish it and for the courses, the readings and videos just never seem to end. I’m doing things but progress never just seems to be made.

It might help if I marked where I start and where I stop every day. That way I could see that I really was moving forward and that the end is getting closer.

I’m ready to check the boxes and move on to something new.

A new employee came up to me after her lunch just to chat. She’s a retired nurse from Venezuela and though she understands English just fine, she struggles to speak it.

She asked me how I was and told me how hard it had been to for her being new on the job. She mentioned how people had struggled to understand her and I didn’t mention the comments I’d overheard behind her back about it. I told her that I’ve never had trouble understanding broken English or accents, a gift that has helped me not just to understand those for whom English is a second language but also in working with the children I do who often have severe speech impairments.

I told her I understood her just fine, and I think that meant a lot to her. She started to cry and told me how hard life has been for her ever since she came to this country because she could not overcome her accent. She told me that while it hurt no one could understand her; it was the ways that people let her know that they could not understand her that hurt the most.

What struck me too, even more than her plight, was that despite the treatment she’d received and her pain she loves this country deeply. She lectured me through tears about how lucky I was to live where there was such freedom and privilege and told me sternly never to take it for granted because these freedoms and privileges are never safe and secure. She told me nowhere is safe and secure. She told me never to never ever allow my country to be taken, sold, or given away but instead to always fight.

I don’t know that I agreed with her perspective completely—America may be great but it is far from perfect—but I certainly respected what she said and she has made me think about what my love for this country looks and feels like. I think my love for America is an unselfish, unpossessive, open-minded, and, obviously, a progressive kind of love.

I think America is so great I don’t mind sharing her with the world.

The morning was tough but less tough than it was originally supposed to be, so I’m happy. I got the work done quickly and found some time for a bit of reading and my little courses. My mood and self-esteem have improved though not by much. It helps that I can actually feel time moving along today. Yesterday I was at a standstill.

I’m convinced perspective is my problem right now. I don’t mean to say that all these bad feelings are just in my head, though, of course, they are. What I mean is, it’s real, but it’s fixable. I just need to do the hard things and tough out these difficult times. I have to remember to be proud of myself for the little efforts.

The afternoon was a different story. It was so frustrating I nearly cried but I came home to a loving wife, and pizza, and a nice hard cider all ready to go. The way a day ends can make all the difference.

My energy levels are severely low and it’s hard to think about anything but a nap. I’m avoiding work, just doing a few small inconsequential tasks to keep my coworkers from bothering me and opting instead to spend most of my day exploring the new web version of the Slowly app.. This isn’t productive, I know, but at least it feels nice. I’m trying hard to stay positive and I’m doing my best not to be too hard on myself. This helps right now. I know it’ll get easier tomorrow and through the rest of the week.

Today is just Monday.

I spent most of the day in the kitchen prepping the week’s breakfasts and then cooking dinner. I cleaned up and did some laundry too. I love taking care of us and our home. I love doing these little wifely things (of husbandly things if you happen to be a husband who does them), domestic things I never thought I could love but that have increasingly been a source of fulfillment and peace for me.

Tomorrow is Monday and, weirdly, my easiest day this week. I have to work but I’ve got nothing specific scheduled to do, nothing urgent or difficult. Tomorrow I’ll take care of some small easy things and try my best to set aside time to do things for me. I know I won’t get the same chance until the weekend rolls around again.

The goals this week will be simple. Keep doing what I have been doing and do a little less of what I think I love but don’t really.

The few days of jogging I did last week are catching up to me. My left leg is useless this morning so I’m skipping the days jog and adjusting the schedule. I have a knee support sleeve, Tylenol (doc says no more ibuprofen), and plenty of muscle pain relief patches to fix me right up. I hope to be back in my running shoes by tomorrow evening.

This morning I’m catching up on some much-needed thinking time instead. I’m calling it mindful procrastination.

I hypothesize that sitting in front of a screen trying, and trying, and trying isn’t always the best way to make something. Sometimes you have to use your brain while you do other things, while you clean, while you talk to others, while you walk the dog, while you watch TV. Regular procrastination means shutting off, this is using everything around you as a stimulant, a source, and a space.