An aspiring writer fascinated by what we simply are.
Tag: November 2019
I’ve lost the energy and focus of yesterday but I’m trying, trying, trying to make it through my to-dos and goals. I tried eating my meals on time, drinking more water, I tried coffee, and walking, and socializing too. Nothing is working and the more I try, try, try, the more tired my eyes feel and the easier it is to find myself sucked into a social media hole.
I suppose a few paragraphs written of a few drafts here and there, and a few pages read will have to be enough. The week is half over and I already feel behind. I think I just need to finish something. That is the new, and only, goal for the day.
I think I might have done it. I might have finished a thing. We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow morning when I wake and read it over with fresh eyes but I imagine my future self will feel much like I feel right now, desperate to believe I have accomplished something, finally! I’ll give myself a little more time for edits but one way or another it’s going up. I need proof of effort, of progress, of possibility.
This morning was a good one. I woke up on time despite forgetting to check that my alarm was set last night and I got ready for work so smoothly I still can’t shake the feeling I must have forgotten something critical.
I got to work early and had plenty of time to prepare for my route and then hardly any kids showed up. The person I was supposed to test after my route ended up canceling and I have hours to myself for quiet work and a few podcasts.
It’s turning out to be a pretty good day!
Today turned out to be an uneventful day and uneventful, it turns out, is more exhausting than busy.
I had time for what I wanted to do but the time I put into my personal pursuits only ever amount to incremental, almost imperceptible, progress whereas my day job is made up of tasks with beginnings, clear steps, and satisfying endings. No wonder I choose my day job over my passions so often. No wonder chasing my dreams feels so silly, pointless, and impossible in comparison.
Still, even with these negative and nagging thoughts in my head, part of me is happy. Perhaps that is the feeling I am chasing. Perhaps it will get bigger with time.
Yesterday we were near 70 degrees, today we never got above freezing. I woke up to falling snow and spent the morning bracing myself through icy road conditions and bad traffic. Working on a school bus I never thought being on a delayed schedule did any good until today when I saw what happens when we should and don’t.
Despite the miserable weather, and my body feeling miserable too, I was able to knock a few to-do items off of my list. Merging my separate lists together and keeping the items simple is already proving to be a big help. I like being able to see at a glance exactly what I need to get done and working through each item one-by-one until they are all done. It feels good.
It was my night to cook which means not only is my mood shot (I hate cooking but my wife and I switch off so that no one has to be miserable every night) but I have a lot less time for the things I’d hoped to accomplish. That’s ok though, today was a good effort and what could get done can easily roll over into Tuesday. I’ll have less time during the day but more time at night, and Wednesday will be less time during either and Thursday I scheduled more time during both.
I’m trying to find the balance.
Productive Sundays are the best kind of Sundays but all of my Sundays would be even more productive if I made my Saturdays more productive too.
In addition to everything I got done today I revived and merged all my to-do lists into one big list. I have one or two things to do (outside of work) per day, that’s all, and if I can get them done, by this time next week, I’ll have freed up enough time to tackle some real projects rather than having to spend all day on a hundred little chores.
Of course, the hardest part is never anything that’s actually on the list but rather keeping the list in focus in the first place. Wish me luck!
This time change is still messing with me, but in a good way. I’m up before the sun this morning and already typing words. It’s been a long time since this has happened. I hope I never get used to the change, or, since I know I will, that it will at least go on getting easier.
So, it’s done, Zen and Pi is scrubbed clean and sporting a few new design tweaks. I’ll be honest, it was really hard to delete all those posts, but I had to do it so that I could turn that place into something else, something more.
And those old posts, they aren’t really gone, and they will be back, here, someday. I poured a lot of myself into that place so much that I almost wish I had kept going there and turned this place into Zen and Pi, but everything was so mixed up there I needed the blank slate just to figure out the next step.
I’ve started my first draft there, a piece that sums up what I see my philosophy to be right now. It’s not very good because I’m not an expert yet. I’m interested to see where I go from here and how much I change as I write there.
I couldn’t have asked for a better ending to the work week. Work itself was pretty easy. I got to work in the main office which is always more fun (but also more fast-paced) than my usual work. We ordered breakfast burritos and skillets from a popular brunch place nearby and shared the stress and the laughter before heading home to start the weekend early.
Of course when I got home I felt so guilty for the half day off while my wife worked the rest of her day that I spent it cleaning the house rather than getting a jump on my weekend writing goals. Oh well, my wife is on her way home, the house looks better than when she left it, and dinner is already done. It’ll be a good night too.
The weekend will be long, I hope. I have no obligations to dread and look forward to hours to write and to read. I’m increasingly looking to resurrect my old blog Zen and Pi and to turn it into something outside of myself. A place for concrete ideas. A place to take a stand I suppose.
It’s time to do my real work now.
It’s been a long week—a long two weeks really! I’ve missed my time here every day but I don’t regret taking on the extra work at all. I’ve learned a lot and the sense of accomplishment was much needed. Still, I’m ready to get back to my old easy-peasy predictable schedule.
Beginning this afternoon my work schedule should start winding down and I should finally be able to start getting back to the things I want to do.
The end comes right on time too. I’m getting tired of this particular set of problems and have been longing for days for new challenges and frustrations if I must have them at all. If I’m near the same people too long, and they keep pressing my same buttons, I lose patience and my ability to speak in comforting and constructive tones.
I’m trying though, and, all-in-all, I’m proud of myself. I think I did well and I don’t hate the idea of doing it all again, just not anytime soon, please.