Lisa Marie Blair

I spent the early morning learning about the administrative side of CPR instruction once again, only this time I’m learning by doing. It’s so cool to know there will be people walking around with little certification cards in their wallets with my name. It’s very cool to know one of those people might save a life one day.

The rest of the day’s meetings ran longer than I expected but they were good and, as so rarely happens, productive. By midday I was feeling a bit woozy. I hadn’t eaten anything beforehand and though it was somewhat intentional I hadn’t meant to go so long without food.

For the past two days I have consumed my usual foods and calories but within a shorter time frame, moving breakfast up to after 10:00 AM and bringing dinner and dessert to before 7:00 PM at the latest. That comes out to about 15 hours spent consuming nothing but coffee and water.

I’m doing it to lose weight, but that isn’t the only reason. I’m still eating the same amount of food. I’ve just stopped grazing all day so my body has a chance to use up its excess energy reserves before I eat again. In addition to the weight loss benefits there the chance for my gut to rest between days. Increasing my ulcerative colitis medication dosage has helped, but even in a mild flare food is very irritating to the gut. By increasing the time between dinner and breakfast the next day, I can decrease that irritation and heal faster. At least, that’s my hope.

We’re in day four of over 90-degree temperatures. The heat has been bad enough but today there is little to no wind and a nasty brown haze hanging over the city. The air feels thick, and the sun is blinding and brutal. I’m looking forward to tomorrow where the heat wave is set to break with temperatures falling to the low 70s and rain teased for the evening.

I helped out with another CPR and First Aid class today. My team and I did the math and by the end of Friday we will have certified approximately 90 employees. We’re already close to burn out but we’ll have a two-week break to recoup. In the meantime, there is still a lot more training to do. We’ve got a small group of new employees starting and existing employees to recertify in other areas before the school year starts too.

At least it’s starting to get a little easier and a little less nerve-wracking. I’m finding my groove and by the end of the summer I’ll be well past my own requirements to keep my instructor certification. I can’t believe I ever doubted myself. I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for.

I’m back home now and struggling to do anything that feels productive. This after work fatigue is forcing some serious limitations on my goals and putting me in a really negative mood. I’m frustrated and disappointed, but I’m trying not to take it out on myself. I need the rest more than I need the check marks on my to-do list, but I had really been looking forward to the satisfaction.

I woke up feeling quite sure I’d finally reached the weekend; it took a painful moment to adjust to the realization that it was actually only Tuesday, only 4:00 in the morning, and very much time for me to make my way out of bed and into the garage for a workout. The grogginess didn’t last long, thankfully. I have been practicing the art of manually adjusting my attitude so I can get the most of of these early morning routines.

Work was easy, too easy. It was nice to come back to my normal work location for the day. Everyone here takes the pandemic and the necessary precautions we are taking seriously, including taking temperatures at the door and wearing masks at all times.

I did what I could but by mid-morning I wasn’t feeling well and had to head home early. A quick meal and a nap later I’m feeling much better, still not myself, but better. I increased the dosage of the steroid medication meant to keep my flare to a manageable level so the infusion medication can do its job and I’m already seeing an improvement. And not a moment too soon because my foreseeable work schedule will not allow for many days of self-care or rest.

This evening I’m giving myself permission not to be productive. I’m listening to podcasts, reading old articles I saved, working on my logbook, and brainstorming over my essay project, and productive tasks, but I’m working with no rules, no timers, no goals in mind. Surprisingly, I’m writing better without the weight of expectation or limits. I have to do this more often.

Tomorrow I go back to CPR and First Aid teaching, but I’m only helping out and observing until Friday. I’m looking forward to a morning jog at the track, an afternoon of freewriting, and time to read.

My family is getting together today for the first formal family day we’ve had in months. I was a great time and I’m so happy we got to have even the short visit that we did. I’ve missed the kids and there’s so much that has happened I need to catch up on. I love that now matter how long I’ve been away or how much I’ve missed, I always have that little place just for me. I’m loved. I belong. I’m wanted.

Still, there is always some underlying negative feeling. I kept thinking about how left out I felt too. Not because they left me out on purpose, but because of the quarantine and social distancing. I know they’ve seen each other during the quarantine but I’ve been social distancing much more strictly and doing my best to stay home not just to keep my wife and I safe but to keep them safe too.

Knowing I was the odd one out made me feel sad, lonely, guilty, and stupid. I’m struggling with those feelings as I watch the world open and see my friends and loved one’s venturing out to restaurants and bars to see each other and enjoy the world while I just work and stay home, work and stay home.

I guess the real emotion I’m feeling is jealousy, and anger. I’d love to be having fun too. I miss being social and having experiences too, but I’m trying to do the right thing. I’m angry that so many others are not trying to do the right thing.

I feel myself trying to justify my own tiptoeing back into society too. I’m trying to find my “new normal”. I have to get out there to find a way to go about this new normal life safely. I can’t stay in forever and it’s better to go out now and find the way than wait.

Those are just excuses and they hardly make sense. I’m just trying to make it okay to give in to my wants and cravings, my needs, but I have to stay strong and so do more of us. I know life is dull right now and a chance to smile and forget any of this ever happened is what we need the most, but it’s only what we need now. We have to have a longer view. We have to make the long term the immediate.

But today wasn’t the day for willpower or lectures. Today was a day to give in and give up because I’m human. Perhaps the other side of this battle isn’t so hard to understand after all.