164// I’m Hurt

I thought today was going to be a good day. I got through my first CPR class as the official instructor yesterday without any major mess ups or gaffs and I figured today would be even smoother but almost from the beginning it has been awful.

I don’t want to say too much about what happened because it may result in an awkward HR battle and some serious consequences but I will tell you at least that during my class today while trying to enforce our workplace mask policy, someone who doesn’t believe coronavirus is a serious or even real threat and was infuriated by having to wear a mask vented his anger, frustration, and quite possibly disgust by spitting near me.

The incident happened quickly and I’m still processing my emotions. I’m furious. I’m afraid. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I blame him. I blame my superiors. I blame myself. I feel sorry for myself. I think it’s a big deal and I want to believe it’s nothing. I want to let it go and I want to take this is far as I can.

Most of all I’m shocked. I’ve read about this happening to other people but most of those stories were about customers, not fellow employees. I’m shocked too because I do my best to always be professional and kind when I’m training people. I’m hurt because too often my kindness is taken for weakness and between my male coworkers and I, I’m always the one that gets the push back and has to work harder for respect and compliance.

After work I sent an email out to just about every one of my bosses across all locations to explain the incident and to establish my boundaries. For my part I will be much more firm when explaining the policies and the consequences of our precautions and I will not tolerate for a second anyone skirting or refusing to adhere to them. I also ended by asking that the man who did this to me be reprimanded in some way. I don’t need an apology. I need documentation and consequences at the very least and I won’t let this go until that happens. I need him to know he didn’t win.

But all that will have to wait until Monday. Until then I’m going to order my favorite Mexican comfort food, drink a couple of hard ciders, and spend time with the one who makes me feel safe. I’m going to take time to take care of myself and prepare for a war.

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Intersectionality

Like the other identifiable races, Black people are in reality a collection of groups differentiated by gender, class, ethnicity, sexuality, culture, skin color, profession, and nationality-among a series of other identifiers, including biracial people who may or may not identify as Black. Each and every identifiable Black group has been subjected to what critical race theorist Kimberlé Crenshaw has called “intersectionality”—prejudice stemming from the intersections of racist ideas and other forms of bigotry, such as sexism, classism, ethnocentrism, and homophobia. For example, sexist notions of real women as weak, and racist notions of Black women as not really women, have intersected to produce the gender racism of the strong Black woman, inferior to the pinnacle of womanhood, the weak White woman. In other words, to call women as a group stupid is sexism. To call Black people as a group stupid is racism. To call Black women as a group stupid is gender racism. Such intersections have also led to articulations of class racism (demeaning the Black poor and Black elites), queer racism (demeaning Black lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender people), and ethnic racism (concocting a hierarchy of Black ethnic groups), to name a few.”

— Ibram X. Kendi, Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America

158// I’m Already So Different

My living room is looking a little chaotic right now. My wife and I started a new “weekend project” that I have a feeling is going to take a lot longer than a couple of days: replace our very old and very broken evaporative cooler with a small “through the wall” air conditioning unit.

We got the old swamp cooler out, but it was a lot harder than we thought and required calling in help. Of course once it was out we learned it had never been properly installed in the wall and found a bit of mold had been growing in the wall as a result. We also found out that the new sleeve is too big and the new unit doesn’t exactly match. We’re going to have to cut a larger hole, build a frame, and make some adjustments to the installation instructions to make the unit fit. We’ve got to make it work, though. Wish us luck.

I’d hoped for more time to write, but this is so important. We cannot, we will not, spend another miserable summer roasting in our own home. I have a feeling between this and my upcoming work schedule, my writing projects will (once again) have to be put off. I’m not doing nothing though. I’ve been forming ideas and jotting down what I hope will be seeds of future pieces.

We’re living in a very inspiring time and right now I have a chance to pursue new ideas and ways of thinking and seeing from so many thinkers, speakers, writers, activists, and causes before I settle down to focus on one idea at a time. It feels right to focus on input over output right now and there is so much being offered for free right now. Here’s a short list I’ve put together:

I’m compiling a longer TBR list of books by authors of color to follow and being mindful of who I follow on social media. I’m seeking people and ideas that inspire me to think, write, and act. There is nothing more important in the world than the change I know we can affect right now and it has to start inside each of us. I’m already so different from the version of myself that began this year, we all are, and rather than lament it I’m leaning in. I may very well be unrecognizable by year’s end.

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157// Changes

I’m back at my usual location and time at work. It’s another easy day but I’m anxious both about my classes next week and about the changes that are happening and the uncertainty beyond them. I had a plan for how to distribute my time and energy between work and outside of work but slowly my superiors are make changes and there is a steady increase of hours and responsibilities and it’s getting harder and harder to establish balance.

I’m also tense because of the continued protests. I support the protests of course and I even go so far as supporting the call to defund and disband police departments but I work in a place where opinions are very different and though I haven’t heard anything I have found offensive I spend much of the day bracing myself for the possibility.

On top of that I have my own anger, and grief, and guilt, and helplessness. I can’t unsee that video of George Floyd’s death, not that I want to. That video, though disturbing and distressing, made me aware of how little I have done for my part against police brutality and all the structural obstacles and bias that leads and feeds it. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Part of it is not knowing my own small place in all of this. I know what I believe but I don’t know what I can claim. I know the work is mine to do but I don’t know where to begin. I have so much I’d like to say but I feel reluctant to speak up in fear that my voice is not welcome. My own history around race is charged and confusing and even if I can’t affect change in others I feel more motivated than ever to at least unpack the way the racist history of this country has made its impact on me.

Perhaps that small contribution can be part of the collective healing too.

Today I am grateful for:

  1. The week’s end. Going to work every day again is taking a great toll on my mental well-being and I need some time away to recharge in peace at home and with my wife. I’m looking forward to not talking, to not thinking, to not worrying, and to not wearing a mask for a day or two at least

156// Observing

I’m out working at a different location today, observing a coworker teach the same CPR course I’ll be teaching beginning late next week. I’ll have the opportunity to watch this class four times before it will be my turn and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. Nothing helps my anxiety like being able to ease into a task or change. I already feel so much more confident.

Observing someone else teach class was very informative. I have a much better grasp of the flow and just have to get down the routine of videos, discussion questions, practices, testing, and breaks. Right now things are a little different than they would normally look because of the coronavirus. We’re not doing mouth-to-mouth directly on the mannequins but instead using masks and we are forgoing some of the optional First Aid practice items to maintain at least 6 feet of distance between employees.

It’s easy enough though and I’m looking forward next week when I teach my first classes under observation and finally become a full fledged instructor myself.

The rest of the day was rather dull. I spent my free time consuming the news, watching videos of protests and further police brutality, and trying to catch up on the sweeping and swift cultural and legal changes happening all over the country. Just here in Colorado, a police reform bill has been introduced and Denver Public Schools has ended their partnership with the police.

Seeing these big changes happen gives me hope and I’m excited by the momentum and the possibilities. My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored though I have deep fears about the growing backlash. They don’t have the numbers but they have always had the people at the top and a disturbing willingness to resort to cruelty. I hope everyone stays safe and hearts turn toward the light faster than they are consumed by the dark.

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155// Still So Uncertain

Today was an easy enough day. I still have next week on my mind so its hard to stay mindful and in the moment. I’m very nervouse and it’s hard to think of anything else or find anything else important in the wake of such anxiety. I’m trying hard to rememeber what I learned all those months ago in my CPR instructor course and to mentally prepare some points and anecdotes for my first classes next week.

I did manage to stay busy at least and by the time I got home I was as exhausted as usual. After lunch I lost my daily battle with fatigue and spent the early afternoon sleeping off the morning. I regret it of course. There was so much I wanted to do instead and so much to get ready for tomorrow and now I have to rush through or put off all of it.

I’m struggling to be firm with myself, to be and stay mindful about how I’m spending my time, and to keep my goals in the front of my mind. It’s been difficult to put distance between my cravings and immediate needs and wants so that I can have some choice in how I spend my time. I keep hoping it will get easier but the moment I get used to one schedule and think I might be able to find the time, energy, adn focus to start working on my projects something changes: my hours increase, my responsibilities change, or my location is moved.

Everything, from my work schedule, to my health, to the stability of society, is still so uncertain and that makes planning for the future and meeting my goals hard. It makes being enthusiastic, curious, and imaginative impossible. I suspect I either have to lean into it or shut myself off and protect my mental space more fiercely.

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