069//366

This morning was tough. I knew it would be with the time change but on top of that I’m still not getting a good night’s sleep. My wife is still on the couch and her cough, even from there, is keeping us both up at night. So I’m running late, again. I’ve been late every day for almost a week now. I’m thankful that my job is understanding though I know soon I’ll reach the limits of their patience. I have to find a way to both get some sleep and to get a handle on my morning routine.

There was bad news almost immediately after I got to work. The school district I work for has cancelled all out-of-state travel for employees and students due to the novel coronavirus outbreak. That means the Texas trip I was scheduled to take next week, the trip I have been looking forward to for months, is not happening. I’m devastated.

I’m trying to maintain a positive perspective though. There is always next year and there are more important trips that have been cancelled too. I feel bad for the kids who probably worked hard and looked forward to trips all year and may never get to go now.

There was some good news today too. It appears the position my bosses had been working hard to create for me and my coworkers is finally finished and I am scheduled for an interview Friday morning! I’m excited and incredibly nervous. I’m excited for the chance to prove myself. I’m excited by the idea of finally getting to do more, and make more too, but I’m terrified of messing it up.

Everyone keeps telling me I have this in the bag, that there’s no way for me to mess this up but all i hear is that everyone expects me to be perfect and I know I am far from it. I know that if there is a way to fail, I will find it. I wish I knew better how to prepare. Still, no matter which way things end up I’ll be happy this is all finally over. EIther way it’s better than this waiting.

If We Were Having Coffee // Only the Beginning

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re having another late night coffee date. I’ve had to spend the day cleaning and preparing for the week all on my own. I’m used to splitting the chores with my wife but she’s still getting over a nasty cold and knowing she has to go into work tomorrow I thought it best I take over all the usual duties while she rests as much as possible. And now that the house is nice and clean, the laundry is washed and folded, the week’s breakfasts are prepped and dinner is cooked and eaten, I can finally sit down and take a little time for me.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The weather was so warm earlier that I was craving a little cold brew but now that the sun has gone down I think I’ll steep some blonde grounds in the French press and enjoy some creamy foamed vanilla oat milk over top. Let’s talk about last week!

“The coffee is warm, this cup is yours. I want to be someone you can’t live without.”

― Charlotte Eriksson

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was an easier one than I’ve had in a long time. Mondy thru Friday doing my usual work and coping with the usual stress but Thursday and Friday were carefree almost to the point of being boring.

Grades kindergarten through 8th were off and that means a lot less routes were running and a lot less of my coworkers were in. Those who were there had only one route to do and spent the rest of their time sanitizing buses and the break room. The class I had been working with had CPI and CPR and First Aid classes so I was off the hook for training. I spent most of my time catching up on our equipment inventory and correcting or creating paperwork for the work I have done for the past few weeks now. Everything must always be documented.

The break was nice. I had been feeling I had lost interest and enthusiasm for my work. I stopped caring. I started feeling irritable, resentful, and exhausted by my work. I stopped taking it seriously. This break, though small, reset me somewhat. I feel ready to begin again Monday, or, at least, I feel ready to finish the work I have been doing for months now and to move on to doing something new.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though work was easy enough home life has been a bit of a struggle. My wife has had this cold since last Tuesday and that was about the last time I had a good night’s sleep. Her cough is pretty bad and in an effort to allow me some rest she has been spending the night on the couch and I have stayed in our bed.

Unfortunately, I can still hear her and even when I can’t I am still awake worrying about her. It’s a routine respiratory infection I’m sure but her asthma complicates it and every day I expect her to get better and she only seems to be getting worse. We’ve agreed that if there are no changes by tomorrow she is going into urgent care.

Of course everyone keeps asking if she has coronavirus. They say it with a laugh but I can tell they are all only half joking. I can hear the fear and panic in the question. I laugh back but the truth is I wonder too. Of course i know the chances of that are impossibly small but the media keeps reminding me that there is no way to know how many people have it and that any minutes now the epidemic will become widespread. The truth is part of me wonders too and I am just as afraid.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week is going to be one I savor. It’s the last one before the district goes on Spring break and the last normal work week I will have before the classes I have coming up and the work trip around the corner.

The worst of my work will be done by Wednesday. That’s when the class of new employees I have been working with finally takes their tests and moves on to working with other trainers. The last class I trained was finally released Friday afternoon and the next class will begin elsewhere too. It looks like very soon I will have the peace and quiet I have been craving and I need it too. My anxiety is sky high and rising by the day.

After this week I will take my CPR instructor class and almost directly after I’ll be heading off to Texas for a conference. The class terrifies me because I hear I will have to get up in front of the other attendees and pretend to teach one section of the course. The trip terrifies me because I have never been away from my wife for so long and I’m afraid of how much I will miss her. I’m afraid of both because when I get back things will start changing quickly for me. I’m afraid because it is all only the beginning.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has long gone down. I’ve long finished my coffee, and my beer too. It’s long past my bedtime and though I don’t expect to sleep well I know I have to try to get as much rest as I can.

I hope you had a good week. I hope that Spring has come early and that you have found time to enjoy the warmth and the sun. I hope you are well and thet you aren’t worrying too much about the coronavirus and if you are I hope you turn off the news every once in a while and make time to breathe. I hope you know it will be okay.

Until next time.

Bloom // bLAck pARty

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by nomao saeki on Unsplash

068//366

Daylight savings time begins here in the U.S. and it’s messing with me already. I know most people hate it but I kind of like it. As someone who works long hours I like that there will be some daylight left when I get home. It’s just the adjustment period that is hard. I know tonight will be a late night and tomorrow morning will be a rough one and my circadian rhythm

My wife is still very sick, so it’s up to me to get us both ready for the week ahead. I’m cleaning the house and taking care of the laundry and meal prep all on my own and though I’m happy to do it all and take care of her too, I am running low on energy. I don’t want to push myself too far. I’m trying not to get sick myself and the stress and exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well since she’s been sick either) isn’t good for my already crappy immune system.

Very little writing will get done and there is no time at all for reading. My books and ideas will have to wait. At least the weather is nice. I might not be able to spend the day in leisure and I may not be able to get out into the sun today but I can open up the house and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine. I can smile knowing I’m doing what needs to be done and taking care of the one I love the most.

Friedrich Nietzsche on God

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science

067//366

The weather outside looks beautiful, almost summer like. The sun is calling me and I can hear the whole neighborhood coming to life just outside my windows but as much as I’d love to join them my wife and I are staying in today. She’s still so sickly I can’t allow her anything but rest and I am so worried about her I can’t allow even a moment away in case she gets any worse.

It’s ok though. I have all the windows open to air the place out and give her some fresh air. I’m nodding off on the couch and for the moment it feels like nothing in the world is important, pressing, or worrisome. I have nothing I have to do and nothing I want to do but this. Nothing else even exists, nothing but us, the sun, and time. I think Saturdays are my favorite days now.

066//366

Today was an especially boring day. I spent it watching a coworker teach CPR to the new employees. I was trying to pick up a few insights and tricks of the trade since I’ll be in class learning how to be an instructor myself in a little over a week. The class is long as it is but it’s especially long when you aren’t in the class nor teaching it either.

The good news is I no longer feel (quite) so anxious about my class. Most of it is videos and what’s left is reading from the book, answering questions, and making sure people are demonstrating the breaths and compressions properly. I think I can do all that just fine. That isn’t to say it looks easy. It just doesn’t look any harder than what I’ve already been doing, anyway. I think I got this.

Some times the boring, idle days are more tiring than the busy, stressful days. I did very little today and even made it home earlier than usual and somehow I am exhausted. I can barely muster the energy to get off the couch to change out of my work clothes let alone cook dinner or clean anything.

My wife is still fighting off a nasty cold, and it’s up to me to take care of everything. She may have to settle for getting dinner delivered and an early bedtime for both of us. Another wild Friday night.

065//366

My poor wife is at home sick. She had hoped to make it through the season unscathed but it appears no one’s immune system is strong enough to beat this bug. I had it a few weeks ago, and it’s made the rounds through most of my coworkers and friends already too. She lasted longer than most.

I left her at home so I could work today. I wanted to stay with her but I know she doesn’t really need me there. What she needs it time to rest and sleep and if I were there, I would only hover and irritate her. No, it’s better to be away for a while then come home to take care of her all evening then make sure she gets her meds and goes to bed early.

I imaging its hard to be sick right now without worrying what you might have. The symptoms of COVID-19 are so similar to a cold or bout with the flu that anyone with a little cough or the sniffle worries what they might have and those around them begin to panic. The chances that any of us have contracted the coronavirus is very low, but those numbers seem to be growing. I’m not nearly as afraid of the disease as I am of the panic building all over the globe.

So I’m staying away from people in general both to stay healthy and because I honestly tired of talking about it. I’m tired of the uninformed and irrational opinions. I’m tired of the constant updates on where outbreaks are occurring and how many more people have tested positive or died. I’m tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, and wondering if I am doing enough to prepare. I’m tired of the low level fear.