It’s been a long week already and there is still a long way left to go but the worst of it, the hardest, most stressful and exhausting parts are now over.
Most of our schools will be closed tomorrow and Thursday and that means a lot fewer people and a lot less chaos. I expect to have an easy end to the week working on a few small projects and catching up on data entry, filing, emails, scheduling, and paperwork. I expect shorter days and a chance to enjoy the gorgeous weather on the way. I expect I’ll pretend it’s summer and spend the hours soaking up the sun and daydreaming instead.
This weather is a little concerning though. March is typically one of our snowiest months but looking at the 10 day forecast you’d think we were already into April. We have nothing but sunshine and mid-50s and 60s for the foreseeable future. I’m in heaven but I’m dreading what might turn out to be a rather unbearable summer on the way.
All of my coworkers are freaking out about the Coronavirus. I work for a school district so any rapidly spreading contagions are a serious concern for us. There are now new chemicals to use on the buses to disinfect and there are bottles of hand sanitizer everywhere. It’s a good thing but I can’t help feeling like these are things we should have been doing all along.
A coworker is out with pink eye now. Flu goes around every year. We’ve had a throat and sinus thing going around for weeks. Earlier this winter we had a nasty stomach bug circulating too. Why is everyone just now washing their hands and cleaning surfaces? Why is everyone worried about vaccines and masks? Why are we just now preparing for a pandemic? I’m frustrated equally by the panic now and the lack of care before.
On top of it all I worry over whether I am reacting and preparing in the right way. I am trying to stay calm and rational. I’m CPR and First Aid trained so I have always been mindful about washing my hands and protecting myself for transmittable disease but I have stepped things up. I’m disinfecting more often and paying more attention to how often I am touching my face but that’s it for universal precautions.
In addition, I’m checking myself when I feel the panic rising and I am limiting my access to the news cycle. I advise everyone out there to do the same.
It’s day two and I already feel like time is moving too fast. There’s a lot I’m anxious about and if I had it my way I’d simply avoid it all but these aren’t things I have much of a choice in doing and so the more time passes the more panicked I feel. Before the end of March a lot will have changed for me.
I’m coping by focusing on the day I’m in and only that day. It’s Monday and unlike the last this one is a bit busier, a bit more chaotic, a bit more stressful. I’m still teaching the new employees and every day something new seems to happen that prolongs my process. This is the one big drawback to working on a team. More people to mess it up. More people you have to redirect, remind, and rely on. More people to let you down and to make more work for you. Oh well, I’m paid by the hour and never opposed to an opportunity to make more money.
I wish I had more time for me though. I miss my podcasts. I miss writing. I miss having room to think! Soon, soon…
This week is going to be much like the last few. I’ll have long hours and plenty of work to fill them with. I’ll have few hours left for me and even less energy to make much use of them. This pace is growing tiresome, and it’s getting harder and harder to fend off burnout but I’m trying to remember that when all else is out of my control I can still control my reaction. I owe it to my coworkers and more than them I owe it to myself to fake that enthusiasm and energy until it becomes real.
This week I will:
Stay present in the moment, do my best to maintain perspective, and practice gratitude at the end of every day. It’s going to be another long and stressful one, but that’s okay. I can make it. It’s not so bad. All of our problems are simply reminders of our blessings and I am grateful for the responsibility because it signals respect. I am grateful for the work because it means I can care for my family and provides opportunities to find purpose. I’m grateful for my conflicts and difficulties because it means there is room to grow. I’m grateful to have another week to make it through at all.
Read 100 pages of It by Stephen King. I had hoped to reach at least the half through these 1,150 pages by now but with this book being so big I can’t carry it around with me when I go out the way I have other books. That means reading time is limited, and it’s going to take me a little longer than usual to finish. That’s ok though. I have my Penguin Little Black Classics set and working my way through those tiny books is a much easier endeavor. If I make the time that is. Distraction has been hard to overcome lately. Mindfulness and limiting screen time are crucial this week.
Write for one hour every day without distraction. That hour can fall anywhere within the day, before work, during my lunch, after work, before bedtime, whenever, the point is that it must be completely distraction free. One tab with a text box for writing, a “lofi hiphop” Spotify playlist going in the background, and a timer set so that I won’t even have to glance at the clock. I’m shooting for one hour but I knw there will be days when that is asking a lot so, in the spirit of this year’s motto (Everything counts!) I will accept a half an hour as long as that is my best.
Create a blackout poem. I have 3 pages of solid text torn from a magazine I’ve been carrying around for weeks I’ve been meaning to mine for new poems but I’ve just been too lazy and forgetful to look over them. It easy to put it off, to opt to watch T.V. or to find some chore or to-do item that’s more urgent instead, but this is my meditation. This is how I return to the present. This is how I slow down and give my mind and body a chance to reconnect. This is how I unplug. It’s as important as food, water, medication, and writing.
Drink more water! Who knew Gatorade could be so addictive? I can go a day or three without it but because water isn’t as refreshing or as flavorful when I don’t have Gatorade I often have nothing at all. I’ve noticed a dry throat and cracked lips returning and as someone with a chronic illness, intermittent anemia, vitamin deficiencies, and a suppressed immune system I cannot afford dehydration on top of all my other issues. One full bottle of water a day at least for now and no more Gatorade at all after the bottle already in the fridge.
Not panic. Between the Democratic primaries and the coronavirus there has been much in the news to be anxious about lately and every day seems to get worse and worse. And the problem isn’t just online or just on the news. Every person I speak to has something to say about either or both and none of it is ever positive. It’s hard to think about anything else right now but what we can’t see is that though everything that is happening is very serious nothing is the end of the world, not yet at least. Chances are we’re going to be okay.
This week I will not let others pull me into their negativity, nor will I allow the actions of others to impact my mood, focus, or motivation. I will not be pushed to distraction, pushed off my path, or pushed to think or behave in ways that do not align with my values or goals. I can’t control other people and to be honest what other people do or don’t do, though frustrating and disappointing, has very little to do with me. All I can do is my best and at the end of each day that has to be enough.
P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 09.
Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
This Sunday hasn’t turned out at all like I thought it would. I thought I’d spend it out of the house. I thought we’d be chatting a lot earlier, and I thought I’d be feeling a lot more stressed out, but I woke up to late to write, then my plans all got cancelled, and I was able to clean, meal prep, and take a nap at my own slow pace. I thought maybe we wouldn’t get to chat at all. I thought maybe I didn’t have the time or the energy but I want to try. I know in the end a little coffee and conversation always helps.
So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I had hoped the sun would stay out for a little longer but the clouds came in quickly signalling that snow is moving in for the night. I’ve already seen a few flakes blowing in the window. Oh well, spring is on the way. I know because I’ve been craving cold brew coffee again but winter is still here so it’ll be a hot brew instead straight from the French press. Let’s talk about last week.
“A little coffee. A little sunlight. Your troubles will get smaller.”
― Richard Webber
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was as stressful as always but this time I’m not complaining. I felt better, more energetic, and enthusiastic about my work. I felt not just willing to work but happy that there was work to do and that I had a body capable of getting it done.
Another new class of employees started and this past week they began their training with us to learn how to work with Special Needs students. This class’s is going well but there have been some bumps and frustrations along the way. Unfortunately, being as low on the totem pole as I am I’m at the mercy of nearly everyone else’s wants and opinions about how things should go. I have had to adjust and bend to nearly breaking to accommodate the changes and the class’s schedule has had to be pushed, and pushed, and pushed back and I suspect will have to be pushed some more before the end of next week too.
It’s all right though. I’ve found my happy place and maintained a sense of Zen and calm throughout it all. I can only do my best and anyway, I am paid by the hour. The more they push the better for me.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had my second infusion appointment for the new medication I have been on and I am happy to report that I am still feeling good and there have been so side effects or adverse reactions beyond more fatigue.
There was a bit of bad news after a phone visit with my doctor a few days later when I mentioned that though I was feeling good I could tell it wasn’t 100% yet. She worries I could very easily slip back into a severe flare and to help keep that from happening she has put me back on steroids. The only silver lining is that it isn’t the hard stuff. This time I’m put on something a little milder with less side effects and more suited to long-term use.
I’m halfway through my loading doses now and very soon I’ll only be visiting the infusion center every other month. I’m also coming off another medication and hoping to come off of a third shortly after. This all has me feeling very optimistic but as that optimism grows the dark doubt underneath it compound. Every medication so far has failed and the flares always comes roaring back worse, and worse, and worse than before. I can’t stop wondering when, not if, the next bout of pain will come.
Still, I know even if that pain comes it will be okay one way or another. This week I met someone else with ulcerative colitis in real life for the first time. He’s much older than me and has had the surgery I believe I am on my way toward and he looks healthy and happy. I asked him my questions, which he answered readily, and at the end of our conversation he offered me one piece of advice: not to try so hard to be strong, to recognize when I am losing the fight, and to ask for help often. These words were just what I needed.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this weekend was a rather quiet one. Friday night my wife and I went out for a little impulse shopping. The weather was nice, for the end of February and the sun has been setting late enough that we can begin to venture out past our regular routines and enjoy more in the evening than just T.V. and sleep.
I spent most of Saturday on the couch. I took my meals there, and in between I took a couple of naps. I’m not entirely sure whether I needed it. I can’t tell if the fatigue was mental or physical but I know something kept me from making the most of my day off and I’m profoundly disappointed over it. Sure, it felt really good to do nothing at all for a day but I have a feeling it would have felt much better to accomplish something, anything, instead.
I managed to rouse myself from the funk by the time evening fell. We had plans with a group of friends to celebrate a few birthdays. We made our way downtown for dinner and drinks and then afterward we put our thinking caps on and worked as a team to beat the clock by finding clues and solving puzzles at a local zombie themed escape room.
We did our best, but we weren’t able to find the door code before the clock wound down. Half of us had never been in an escape room (including me) and we did choose the hardest room. Maybe we were a little overconfident, and it sucks that we lost but we still had a really good time.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can hardly believe it’s a new month already. February is a short month, sure, but the whole year seems to be flying by too. The whole world has been moving too fast for me lately.
Part of it is the long hours I’ve been working, the chaotic schedule and the rapidly shifting role I’m playing at work and the end of the school year fast approaching, but part of it is everything else too. It’s social media, it’s the news cycle, it the election, the corona virus, the stock markets crashing, the economy on the verge. It’s all the anxiety and anger on the internet and the airways.
I’m trying to slow down, to unplug and decompress. I’m trying to take care of myself, to keep a level head, to be rational, and to stay calm but perspective is hard to come by and I the world is wearing me down. I’m afraid of the new normal and for the next worse thing that seems to come around the corner every day. I think I need some time away. A vacation is becoming less and less something I want and more and more something I’m in desperate need of.
I don’t know how we can all keep up this pace. I don’t know how the world can continue like this before something gives and that big bad thing we can all feel coming finally arrives. OR maybe nothing is coming, and it’s only this state of being so aware and informed that is driving me, and everyone else too, a little crazy. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all get away for a while, all at once?
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sky has long gone from dusk to dark and dinner time is giving way to dessert. It’s time for me to do the work of enjoying the last of my weekend and readying myself the start of the work week.
I hope you had a good week. I hope February was good to you. I hope you enjoyed your leap day. I hope wherever you are the world isn’t moving too fast for you and if it is I hope you know that you can step off the ride whenever you like for a little perspective and a little peace.
New month new me, I hope. I’m actually sad to see February go. There was so much I wanted to do that I just couldn’t complete. I’m still working on my “Currently” post but with my energy and focus levels being the same as they were this time last month I doubt I’ll get it done. January’s is still sitting in my drafts folder too.
I want March to be better and with the temperatures increasing and the sunlight sticking around longer I think it will. I want to get better at managing my time. I had stopped checking my calendar and turned off my alarms and reminders. This month it’s all coming back. In addition, I’m using my pocket notebook more. I’ve had so many great ideas this month and I lost almost all of them because I relied too much on my mind alone to remember them.
This month I’m also moving away from using Google tasks for my to-do list and coupling my calendar to a simple .txt file instead. Right now I have one long to do list with rows and rows of overdue and failed items. It’s a pretty depressing place to be. I found this system from Jeff Huang in which you combine your calendar and a text file and create new lists every day with only the items you need to do that day. Anything you don’t get to gets rescheduled in the calendar instead of dying on the list.
This system also combines the to-do list with a logbook. Throughout the day, or at the end if you like, you add things you did along with notes and highlights you want to remember later. This is a crucial aspect I have failed to implement.
Part of me would like this to be an analog system but the truth is I doubt I have the time. Digital has the benefit of being faster and searchable even if it is rather rigid and boring. We’ll see though. Right now I just need to try something.
Happy leap day. I probably should use today to get some extra writing or reading in but I’m using the extra day to do nothing at all instead. February isn’t a bonus day, it’s a day that doesn’t exist at all. I’m sure I will regret this perspective later but sometimes doing nothing is just as important as accomplishing something.
Then again, I’m not really doing nothing. I’m hanging out with my wife which is always my favorite way to pass the time. We’ve got plans this evening and, with both of us being over 30 we’ve decided it might be better to conserve our energy until then so we won’t be dragging our feet or feeling irritable for our friend’s birthday celebration tonight.
The plan is Mexican food and margaritas and then we’ll try our luck in a zombie apocalypse themed escape room. I’m looking forward to it, but the week wore me out so bad I feel like I need at least one whole day away from people, at least! I kind of wish I never had to leave this couch again at all. Life is easy and simple here and I have everything I need.
I made it! It’s the weekend and I am free for two whole days. The weather is going to be gorgeous but I’m not sure I’m up to being out in the world. I’ll be forced out for an evening with friends tomorrow night but outside of that I think I’ll stay in. This week has been physically exhausting and emotionally I don’t think I have anything left to give.
Still, as much as I hate the crowds something about them draws me in. Even tonight when I meant to just run to the pharmacy but ended up window shopping and impulse buying at Target instead of going home where I knew there was peace. I like to be out, and I hate it too. I think this is part of growing old.
I’m home now relieved but not regretful. Shopping was fun. I got a new shirt, a fresh 6-pack of hard apple cider, and a Jimmy John’s sandwich. My wife and I are about to watch Knives Out and I expect there’ll an early bedtime too. This is what a wild Friday night looks like now. Woot!
Stay present in the moment, do my best to maintain perspective, and practice gratitude at the end of every day. It’s going to be another long and stressful one, but that’s okay. I can make it. It’s not so bad. All of our problems are simply reminders of our blessings and I am grateful for the responsibility because it signals respect. I am grateful for the work because it means I can care for my family and provides opportunities to find purpose. I’m grateful for my conflicts and difficulties because it means there is room to grow. I’m grateful to have another week to make it through at all.
Read 100 pages of It by Stephen King. I had hoped to reach at least the half through these 1,150 pages by now but with this book being so big I can’t carry it around with me when I go out the way I have other books. That means reading time is limited, and it’s going to take me a little longer than usual to finish. That’s ok though. I have my Penguin Little Black Classics set and working my way through those tiny books is a much easier endeavor. If I make the time that is. Distraction has been hard to overcome lately. Mindfulness and limiting screen time are crucial this week.
Lisa Marie Blair 