Fragments – Page 4 – Lisa Marie Blair

Lately, I have been feeling like nothing is within my control. Not the way I spend my time, not my moods, not when I can eat, where I can go, not even my finances. I feel like I’m being blown here and there by everyone around me from happiness to anger to loneliness to frustration to excitement to hopelessness and back to happiness again without warning and without a way out or up for air.

I guess that is why the choices I have been making—when I can make choices—seem to always be wrong or detrimental in some way. I don’t choose to eat when I should. I don’t choose to sleep when I should. I don’t choose to write or read when I can. I don’t choose to express my feeling in constructive ways and I don’t choose to be brave when I have the chance.

Perhaps doing what I’m not supposed to do or what others expect me not to do feels like the only thing I can control but I know the things I am doing aren’t really what I want.

I want to learn how to let go of what I can’t choose and to focus more on choosing the right things. I don’t want this illusion of control that’s really nothing more than weakness and spite. I want to choose to be focused, hardworking, and strong in every instance where the choice is up to me.

For the first day back to school, today actually went surprisingly well, though that did not make it a good day by a long shot. It’s okay though. I’m home now with my wife, my dog, a plate full of hot wings and a cold beer and not at all willing to rehash the day’s frustrations or disappointments here. I’m just too tired and my mood is quite fragile. I’m trying to be grateful and to enjoy the time I have that belongs to me before it’s time to head to bed, wake up, and do it all over again.

It’s going to be a long week.

It’s going to be a long year.

*sigh*

Today I was a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good aunt too. It’s rare I am even one of these most days—or maybe it’s only rare I ever feel like I am—but today I got to be good in all the ways I’m always struggling to be good. Today I not only felt loved and admired but I felt deserving of love and admiration.

For the moment I don’t desire to be anyone else.

I think I will do nothing at all today and deal with my come tomorrow. I haven’t been sleeping well again and my body is hurting this morning. I could sleep here on this couch for at least another half a day easily, and I think I just might.

Sorry not sorry.

This week has feels like its lasted at least two weeks long and I already know the weekend won’t feel at all long enough but that’s ok. I’ll take whatever I can get.

I spent most of today helping out in the main office. The new school year starts on Monday and we are still moving into our newly renovated building. Nothing is ready. I wish I could have done more to help but I am already at hours and I am not being offered overtime. No matter how much I love my coworkers or how much I want them to succeed I am quite strongly and morally opposed to working for free so I went home early.

Now I’ve got a few cold beers waiting and my wife has promised to pick up a few tacos and an order of sopapillas on her way home. It’s time to start the weekend!

Sometimes people try to help you but only end up making you feel small. Sometimes people giving you more opportunities only reminds you of what you can’t do.

I love what I do, I’m good at what I do, and I am happy doing what I do but I do think I deserve more for my contributions. Instead of paying me more for what I do what I am often offered is more money to do something else and no one can seem to wrap their head around why I might not want that.

I have years of knowledge on anyone else around me. My knowledge is specialized but I have the time and the patience to delve deep. I elevate the standards and keep the liability low. My job is important and having someone confident and competent in my position is important.

But that’s one of the many things wrong with our corporate structure now. The people in power believe that entry-level positions should be filled with low quality, unqualified, disinterested workers, but keeping passionate, intelligent, and interested people happy at all levels should be a priority too.

People can do good work and effect profound change from the bottom and they deserve recognition and support there too.

11:33 AM

There’s chaos all around me today but I’m breathing through it and, when I can, writing through it. My morning will be a little busy but not as bad as it was initially scheduled to be and by the afternoon I should be all on my own in soundless bliss. Plus, there are free tacos and a “welcome back” cake in the lounge. So, today isn’t all bad.

This afternoon I plan to take advantage of the free time and do some writing. I have a ton of essay topics scribbled on scrap paper and post-its and I would love to get them out of my backpack and into a document or blog post draft. I just need a clean hour or two to think and to type but it depends on whether my coworkers get the hint or not.

It was a long day. The kind of day you have to rush home and wash out of your hair, exfoliate off of your body, and drink away with a strong hard cider. Today was technically my first day back at work for the new school year. No, actually it was everyone else’s first day back and simply my first day seeing them all again since last May. Apparently, it’s going to take me some time to get used to them all again.

I’ve never read any of Toni Morrison’s books, a fact I am deeply ashamed of, but I certainly knew who she was. She was a black woman and an author and though I haven’t had the joy of her books in my hands. I look up to her. I want to be like her, and I am influenced by her.

Her books have been sitting on my TBR list forever and though it’s too late to love her while she was alive her words are still waiting for me and will be there whenever I am ready. I’m grateful for that, and for her lighting the way for all black women and for writers like me.

Rest on peace Toni Morrison and thank you. I’ll see you on the page soon.

It’s my last day of getting to work a fully flexible schedule, and my last day of getting to go home early so I’m taking advantage.

It was a busy morning. We did more training, some testing, and scheduled more training and testing in the days to come. The rest of the week will be rough, but it will get better the closer to the weekend I get.

I’m spending the late afternoon cleaning and working on some blog things.

Inspired by Erica Avey I’ve been mulling over the idea of combining my Tumblr and WordPress spaces. I like having a space that is only for my words but having a place that encompasses all of my work as well as what influences me is an appealing prospect too.

There are pros and cons to both I suppose but I can’t know what works and what doesn’t until I try. So, I have a few new menu items: the Feed, which is simply everything I post, some of it mine, some of it belonging to others, Vade Mecum, which is like a scrapbook of all the things I see, consume, and think about, my Journal, bits of thoughts and feelings shared every day. Soon, I will be posting more types of writing: poetry, essays, short stories (maybe), and questions I want to answer, so there will be tags for those and additional tags for quotes, art, videos, podcasts, and music too.

Let me know what you think!

216 // Words Mean Nothing

I woke up this morning absolutely devastated. Another mass shooting less than a day after the last, this time in Dayton, Ohio. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to say anything at all because words mean nothing anymore. I’m tired of talking and hearing others talk, even myself I guess. I feel guilty for turning off the news but it’s all too much. They are showing surveillance footage on a loop and it doesn’t feel very good to watch people being shot and possibly killed over and over again.