If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ve never been good at mornings but this morning is especially slow. My body isn’t cooperating and my mind is even more useless. Coffee is helping though and I feel my bones waking and loosening with every sip.

The sun is helping too. Spring has definitely sprung here in Colorado quite suddenly and without fanfare as if she had been here all along. Being able to open the windows and let the warm air in is doing wonders for the Sunday soul.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’m sorely missing my old espresso machine today but the Moka pot is on and a bit of coconut cream in the bottom of the mug will smooth out the texture and flavor. Let’s talk about last week.

“Chugging coffee this morning, not because I’m tired, but because it’s so damn good, for some reason. It might be the lingering feeling of actual sunshine, or a good night’s sleep. I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Take the good when you get it, and just enjoy it.”

Thord D. Hedengren


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was my Spring break but instead of a whole week off I only took two days. With the wedding coming up, and the snow days from the week before, I just felt that a whole week of pay was too much to sacrifice for a little free time.

I had hoped for a week of easy work, the typical stuff I do but with fewer people around. I hoped to put in my headphones, catch up on a few podcasts and make progress on my courses. Oh, how wrong I was.

I ended up being “volun-told” to help out in our hiring department making phone calls to prospective new employees. I was to help them fill out applications and once the applications were complete, I scheduled them for interviews. My anxiety levels were sky-high, but I did my best and my best turned out to be pretty damn good. More than that, I actually enjoyed it.

I called nearly every person in the stack they gave me and scheduled all the interviews I could. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on the phones, over 10 years, but I was good at it then, and it all came back to me last week. Empathy, patience, and communication have always been the areas where my strengths lie.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have made a lot of wedding progress this week. We now have our ceremony site permit, two photographers, a caterer, and an officiant. We have our colors settled on and my fiance has an appointment to try on prospective dresses in the next couple of weeks.

Things are moving along. I just hope we can keep this momentum going. We’re easily overwhelmed and prone to long stretches of procrastination.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel my health is going downhill though I can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not.

My joints are stiffer than usual. The ache all day and if I push myself too hard they are throbbing painfully by bedtime. I’m still losing weight but not rapidly enough to panic yet. Just under 10 pounds in the last couple of months though I haven’t changed my diet, nor have I been working out more, yet. I’m afraid to push my body any further.

I’ve still not started the medication my doctor prescribed for me because I am still caught up in the bureaucracies of the health care system. I’m being asked to be patient without being given any explanation but my gut is telling me that my insurance company doesn’t want to pay for this medication. My gut is telling me that when they do call, I’ll be told to try something else first and all this stress and patience will have been for nothing.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as I type this my fiance is receiving some rather devastating news. There has been a death in her family and she’ll have to leave the state this week to be with her family and say goodbye to their loved one.

My heart is breaking for her and I wish I could go along to help her through this time but to make arrangements for the pets and for work with such short notice would be too much. I’ll have to accept that this is something I cannot fix and offer what small comfort I can from afar.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I hate whenever she has to go out-of-town, not just because I will be alone, but because I will have to drive.

For my new followers who may not know, I have a pretty severe phobia of driving. Even thinking about it now is making my heart rate increase and my palms sweat. My girlfriend is quite understanding about but it hasn’t been easy for her to take on most of the responsibility of transportation for both of us. Of course, when she’s gone, I have no one to help when it gets hard. When she is gone I have to be brave and fight myself while operating a moving vehicle.

I know I’ll be okay. I’ve driven to and from work, and to the grocery store, and many other places plenty of times, but somehow it never seems to get easier to get behind the wheel. In the winter I am especially averse to driving and so it’s been a little while for me. I have to get used to it again and quickly before she goes.

It’s a dumb fear to have, I know, but that doesn’t stop it from being real and it doesn’t make it easier but I’m determined to be brave especially after this week when my fears came up at work and I felt, once again, embarrassed and ashamed to speak my truth. So, I have to be brave not just in facing my fear, but of owning it too.

The truth is that hiding makes it easier to stay stuck and hiding makes me feel worse and worse as the years go on. I’m done hiding, and I’m done being afraid. I want to move past this and I know that once I do there will be nothing left that I can’t overcome.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, now that the day is nearly over and the evening is ready to settle in, it’s time for me to get up and do all my Sunday things.

The conference starts early tomorrow and being across town (I’m carpooling with coworkers) means I have to get up a lot earlier than usual and that means I need to prepare more and better for the coming week than I normally would. Everything has to be ready.

I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are the sun is shining and you feel loved. I hope you made time for you and that we can all face our fears and overcome them too.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo courtesy of Barn Images

If We Were Having Coffee // The Storm Before the Calm

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling slow today. I had some energy for the first hour or so after I woke, but I’ve fallen sharply downhill since. I’m sure I need a nap, and that there is not enough caffeine in this house to chase the need away, but I’m also sure I’m going to fight it anyway. Sleep has been hard to come by at night. Caffeine has nothing on anxiety, and a nap will only make things harder.

So, I’ll stay up and chat with you instead. I’ll open the blinds and let the sun in and pour us cup after cup and tell you everything that’s happened this past week.

Through drowsiness, your body is telling you that you need to rest. By drinking a caffeinated drink, you are telling it to go to hell.

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I started this week off by deciding not to start it at all. Sunday night I went to bed feeling as though I’d come down with a cold. I had a sore throat, a cough, I was feeling fatigued and my head was full of pressure. I was convinced I was sick and decided even before I drifted off that I would take the next day off in order to rest right away and get well sooner.

When I woke early Monday, I’m not sure I felt sickly so much as I was just tired, but I still felt the conviction from the night before and called in sick convinced I was on my way to a bad cold. Then, hours later, I woke again and found that I felt perfectly fine.

I have no explanation except that either I was coming down with something and fought it off while I slept, or perhaps my mind manufactured a cold so that I would take the action I needed but felt too guilty to take. As in, I needed a mental day and my mind made it happen. It’s possible I think.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you I was delighted to return to work on Tuesday and find that much of the work my team had been trying to complete was already done. I helped wrap up a few loose ends and then spent my free time outside to soak up the sudden spring-like weather we were having.

By mid-afternoon that same day anxiety was running high across the entire state. The rolling weather reports for the next day were so unreal we laughed them off. Our phones were buzzing with blizzard warnings and by early evening we have received notice that schools across the state would be closed and all Coloradoans were advised to stay indoors the next day.

Wednesday morning the rain started and for a time we thought the storm wouldn’t turn out as bad as predicted, but by lunch, the storm had become something we’d never seen before. Soon the whole city was shut down, including all our major highways and every airport runway. Downed trees, power outages, and severe car accidents, were being reported and a multi-day recovery was expected and we were given an additional snow day to assess the damage and dig out.

Compared to others we fared pretty well. Our internet was spotty all day, but we never lost power. Our trees and our fences held up but our mailbox is at a slight tilt now. The snow at the bottom of our front step was up to my knees and clearing out sidewalks and driveway was a painful chore I am still recovering from.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while we were snowed in, I took the opportunity to do some small blog things.

I have a new Now page up to keep track not just of what I am doing now, but what my priorities are and what opportunities I am open to and I created an MOOC page to keep track of and share all the great massive open online courses I’m taking. I also revamped my Portfolio. I didn’t add anything but I hope to soon.

I’m working on a few more pages like these, and like my Am Reading page and my 100 Dreams page. I have a page drafted for all the people I want to study, and another drafted for “Site Notes’, a detailed explanation not of who I am but what this blog is.

I’d like this blog to be a recording and inventory of my life and who I am, all my thoughts and everything I do. I want it to be fully mine and I want to pour myself fully into it.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was rather uneventful. It was strange to return on Friday after two days away and one from a whole week off. No one felt like being there, not even the kids. No one asked for more than the bare minimum and we all did our best to get along and get through it. 

On Saturday I got to see my dad. I haven’t seen him since before the holidays since our schedules never seem to agree. We went to my favorite Mexican place and caught each other up on everything we’ve been up to, work and wedding planning mostly. He’s excited for us and was encouraging when we expressed how overwhelmed we’ve been. It was a good visit.

As for the rest of the weekend, I’ve been feeling more and more fatigued so I’ve been taking it easy, resting when I needed and doing what I can when I can around the house.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m taking tomorrow off from work again. It’s Spring break so my route isn’t running and I really want to enjoy a little of it at least. I wanted to take the whole week off, but the truth is, with all the snow days, the mental health days, and a very expensive wedding coming up soon, I just can’t afford to stay home and play writer right now.

So, I’ll go to work but maybe I’ll find my own little pleasures and take my tiny vacations where I can. Maybe I’ll go in late and leave a little early, and maybe I’ll take long lunches in the sun since the Spring is forecasted to arrive this week. I’m looking forward to it. This winter has taken a toll on me. All winters take their toll on me.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel myself losing the battle against sleep. The couch is calling and I long to put on an old movie to nod off to. It looks like I’ll be spending my extra day off doing all the things I should have done today.

Oh well, I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are you weren’t in the path of that nasty winter storm and if you were I hope spring will be on the way soon. I hope you made some progress in whatever way you needed to, and if you didn’t I hope you know you can always start again.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Low-Key and Beautiful

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

Even though I knew it was coming, the time change still threw me off this morning. I forgot to set my alarm last night, which has been unnecessary for many weekends in a row now and got up almost exactly one hour later than usual. So, instead of losing an hour of sleep, I lost an hour of my day. I haven’t been able to catch up yet.

But coffee always helps and I, thinking of one of my favorite quotes from Terry Pratchett, plan to pour a big cup of cold brew and get that hour back not from the past, as that would be impossible, but from my future self, who probably would have wasted it anyway.

So, please, pull up a chair and help yourself to a cup too. It’s not a particularly warm day, but it’s nicer than usual so I’m airing out the house while I can and letting plenty of sun in while it’s shining. Let’s talk about last week.

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

― Terry Pratchett, Thud!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this was a refreshingly unremarkable week, or, the beginning was at least. My workload had reduced to nearly nothing, and I got to spend my free time reading, writing, and organizing the first notes and ideas of a new project I’d like to start. I caught up on my favorite podcasts, made important phone calls, and even took a nap!

The week was low-key, but that isn’t the same as stress-free. The reason my workload was so reduced was that my team’s schedule kept getting shuffled and pushed. We showed up every day thinking we knew the plan and every day we were told a different one. We couldn’t shake the feeling that the work would never get done but that even when it did time constraints would make doing good work impossible.

Now I’m afraid the coming week will have twice the work to do with the same amount of time. I expect bad moods and flaring tempers all around.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as the week wore on we got busier and busier as we approached my brother’s wedding date Friday.

My sister and her kids flew into town on Wednesday and I spent the evening at my mother’s seeing her and her kids, my other sister, and my brother’s children who we left in grandma’s care for the evening. We had a great time and I went home and got to bed much later than was healthy because I was simply having too much fun.

Thursday I still had to work and afterward had to rush across town for the rehearsal dinner. My family was too worn out from the rehearsal before to keep the night going and honestly, I was worn out from a long cold day at work to keep the night going. We all went home, and to bed, early so we’d be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the big day.

I spent the morning of the wedding with my mom, my sister, and her kids. We took it easy, relaxing and watching TV, getting ready in bursts and shifts and trying to keep each other calm. We were all nervous for my brother. We wanted his and his fiancee’s day to go off without a hitch, but we were nervous for ourselves as well. We all have our own anxieties, and social functions are a common trigger. Add to that the expectations and the responsibility we each had to help make the day perfect, and we were all on edge and on the verge of tears.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that none of us had any reason to be worried. The day was perfect and everything went just as it was supposed to. The ceremony was short. The couple wrote their own vows and jumped the broom after the kiss. We all filed into the next room for cocktail hour and my girlfriend, who had volunteered to test her photography skills for the day, took everyone outside for pictures.

The food was good and the DJ, the brides younger sister played all the great wedding hits. We drank, ate, drank some more, and then we danced the night away.

By the end of the night, my sisters and I were the last ones on the dance floor and feeling great, but the night had to be cut short after a few had a few too many and we had to rally to get them home safe.

All in all, it was a beautiful day and I’m happy we got to be part of it. I’m also glad it’s over and I can focus fully on my own coming in just a few short months.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have so much to do and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I can’t get it together and get it done. I’m procrastinating bad! We both are. We’re paralyzed by fear and still time is tick, tick, ticking away and still, we can’t help ourselves by taking any concrete action.

My biggest goal this week is to contact all the caterers on the list and to start on attire. We’re quickly approaching a point in our timeline where if too much is left to do we will have to make tough choices and compromises that will negatively impact our vision for the day.

After attending my brother’s wedding though I actually feel a lot better about my own capabilities for planning. He and his wife kept it simple, and it was good to see that simple can still be fun and beautiful. I was also happy to find that his wedding differed greatly from what I envision for my own and I’m even more excited to show people what we come up with.


After all that work and wedding stuff we felt it was important to reconnect with each other and get back to our own lives so we planned a little date night. Dinner and a movie, our old favorite. We saw Captain Marvel and I want to take a moment before I go to urge all of you, but especially those of you with young girls and those of us who were once young girls, to go see it.

I went into it not knowing very much about Captain Marvel. I never read the comics and I only vaguely remember her from the X-Men cartoons I used to watch as a kid. I went into the theater thinking I was about to see a very mediocre story about a very mediocre superhero, damn was I wrong!

The story was well written and well acted. The moral was thought-provoking and timely, and Captain Marvel was a strong, smart, and perfectly flawed. She may just be my new favorite hero and one I think all girls should see on the big screen, old and young alike.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that a week of work and wedding things means that my house is in shambles and it means I have to go now if I want to have any chance of cleaning it up and getting ready for Monday.

I hope this last week was good to you. I hope wherever you are you can smell Spring in the air and that “springing forward” doesn’t through you off too much. I hope that you found time to relax this weekend and that your coming week will be even better than the last.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Two Big Days to Plan For

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

Today is definitely a snow day. We’re cooped up inside away from the sub-zero temperatures and the nearly 7 inches of snow that have fallen since yesterday evening. We woke this morning without water and feared that somewhere a pipe had frozen and would burst soon but after playing with the main valve, setting up a space heater, and opening all the faucets water quickly returned and I could finally make my coffee. Thank God!

So, pull up a chair and, please, help yourself to a cup. I’m having blonde roast this morning with a bit of coconut cream but I have cold brew coffee in the fridge if you are one of those crazy people who crave it on wintery days like this. Come, let’s talk about last week.

“Do you ever get really excited about life and then realize it’s just the caffeine? It’s really depressing, but that just means you need more coffee.”

― Stephen Robinson, Mahogany Slade

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this was a refreshingly unremarkable week, or, the beginning was at least. My workload had reduced to nearly nothing, and I got to spend my free time reading, writing, and organizing the first notes and ideas of a new project I’d like to start. I caught up on my favorite podcasts, made important phone calls, and even took a nap!

I didn’t do as much blog writing done as I’d hoped but I did do some behind the scenes stuff like cleaning up categories and changing themes and I worked on a piece for Zen and Pi that I’m excited about. In the coming week, I’d like to finish it and start on a few other ideas too.

Writing here has been great for building momentum and for keeping my focus, but this isn’t all the writing I want to be doing. I have so much I want to say but taking the disordered contents of my mind and translating onto the page as something coherent and interesting is not only difficult but petrifying. This is going to take a while.

I had mistakingly expected to enjoy those unremarkable days for a long while, but three days is all I got. Then the old workload was back, and I’ve already been forewarned that next week will be even worse. We’re understaffed and overworked. A schedule will be difficult to put together and impossible to stick too. I’m expecting plenty of confusion, frustration, and irritability, but I’m looking forward to the end when I can boast of a job well done in the face of chaos.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week was getting to attend a fancy awards ceremony at work for a friend who was being honored. This award is for people who work in supporting roles in our school district. People forget it isn’t just the teachers who create the safe, structured and nurturing environment that facilitates learning. There’s transportation, where I work, there’s maintenance, information systems, food and nutrition, and so much more.

Every year we all get together to nominate the best among us to be considered for recognition and in February we throw a party in their honor. I’m proud to say I am a past honoree, and so is my girlfriend, and many of our friends too. It felt good to go and when all past honorees were asked to stand and be recognized again, I felt honored not just in my own past award but to see so many of my friends standing as well.

At that moment I realized I had chosen the right community. I had surrounded myself with people who work hard, who care, who take the job seriously and who want all of us, and all the children we are responsible for, to succeed.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we didn’t make much progress in wedding planning, but only because we had another wedding on our minds. My brother is marrying his longtime girlfriend, and mother to two of my nieces and nephews this week! I’m excited for him, and only a little peeved to be attending his wedding the same year I am planning mine.

My girlfriend has agreed to be the photographer for this event so I’ve been helping her gather her gear, plan her shots, her outfit, and to build her confidence. She’s never shot a wedding before and she is not a professional, but she’s good, and I know her best will be phenomenal.

My sister, the one I was just visiting in Texas, will be here too and I’m thrilled to have the family all together again even if it’s only for the weekend. When I’m not acting as my girlfriend’s assistant I plan to make the most of this rare sibling time while I can. I just know well have a blast.

It’s crazy to think the next time we’ll all be together again I’ll be the one getting married!


If we were having coffee, I would tell you I am gravely concerned that we won’t have everything done in time for our own big day. In addition, I grow increasingly enraged by the costs and the expectations as we get closer and closer. If you are thinking of having a wedding or planning one already I encourage you to seriously consider skipping the entire ordeal. I wish I had taken the option seriously this time last year.

But, we can’t turn back now. We are trying to remember that this whole celebration is for us first. We can do it however we want. We can blow up every tradition, tear it apart, and reshape it in our own vision. At the same time, we are having to balance that desire to have complete control with the reality that we cannot do this on our own.

We need help, and help comes from people, people with emotions, people who want things their own way because they think it is the best way, for us. We scared to tell people no, that isn’t what we want, that isn’t us. That’s why up until now we’ve been going it alone, but that, to be honest, hasn’t gotten us very far at all. 


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I am enjoying our chat, it’s time for me to go. This Sunday, rather than being a relaxing day inside, is “deep cleaning day” and I’m already falling behind in my half of the work. I’m hoping to blast through it all and have an hour or two to myself for a long shower, a face mask, a big lunch, and a long nap before evening rolls in. I want to be ready for Monday in every way.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope you accomplished something great and that all the bad was inconsequential. I hope wherever you are it is warm and that you have time to take care of yourself for a change before a new week begins.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Julien Labelle on Unsplash