145 // I Looked Like Me

Today is all about wedding attire. My fiance is already off to her dress fitting and in a few hours, we’ll both go check out the progress on my suit. I’m very nervous. I was the last time too.

I’m sure it will look better no matter what but it’s hard being a woman trying to make a men’s suit work. I feel like no one understands. I feel somehow embarrassed and ashamed. All I want is to feel and look like me for my wedding.

Ok, so my suit looks amazing! I was so nervous that I couldn’t tell that it did but my fiance assured me then that it did and now that a few hours have passed and I look back I am very pleased with the alterations. There is a bit more that has to be taken in and my pants weren’t ready so I will be back in two weeks but much of my anxiety has lifted. I think I will look great on the big day.

I want to take a moment to say how grateful I am to the tailor for acting as if this was a normal everyday thing. I don’t know how many men’s suits she has altered for women but she makes me feel comfortable; she makes me feel normal, and it means the world.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

144 // The Official Last Day

I really didn’t want to get up and go to work today. The week has been so very long and I’m so very ready to end it already. But it will be an easy day at least and I really want to get as many hours in at work while I can especially after receiving the news that my hours this summer would be substantially less than what I got last year.

It’s finally the official last day of school and the last day that our building will be open before renovations begin. There is chaos everywhere. I’ve been moving around from office to office trying to escape the noise and the confusion but it keeps finding me again and driving me out and chasing me to another room, and another, and another.

But the sun is out, and I got free pizza and a sonic slushie for lunch so it was actually a pretty good day. I’ll miss the coworkers who are off for the summer, going to another location for the summer, or moving on to other jobs for good. I’ll miss my kids too. I’ve got a big summer ahead of me but there is a part of me that is already longing for August.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

143 // The Most Miserable May

The weather continues to suck.

It’s nearly the end of May and the beginning of summer but looking outside you wouldn’t be able to tell. I had to wear my gloves and hat to work today and turn up the heat in the office! At least the rain and snow has stopped but the clouds and the cold linger. This has been the most miserable May I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully, things are looking up in the forecast and tomorrow promises at least some sunshine. 

I spent most of my morning cleaning my bus: sweeping and mopping the floor, wiping the windows, and scrubbing the grime off of each child’s seat until my body was sore.

I brought my phone, played my music loud and sang and danced while I worked, and now, I’m exhausted. I’m bored, and irritated, and wanting to go home. I’m doing what I can to stave off a headache coming on from lack of sleep, dehydration, and too much excitement, but no matter what I do or take I know nothing but a quiet room and a nap will prevent its eventuality.

P.S. I left work early and as soon as I got home and laid on the couch I was out. I slept for over an hour but woke up feeling much, much better. The sun is out now and I have my whole afternoon ahead of me to do whatever I want.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

142 // Saying My Goodbyes

It’s the last day of the school year, for my kids anyway. I transport high school students and the schedule for final exams and graduations mean that I say my goodbyes two days sooner than most other routes. It means happy for summer. It means being anxious and hopeful about the new year, and it means tears for the kids moving on to adulthood.

I have two kids graduating this year, one I only just met this year and who never became very close to me and who stopped needing transportation weeks ago. I wished him the best of luck and moved on easily. The other I have known for two years now. We’ve grown close and his goodbye today hit me hard. I’ll miss him, and if I get a chance to do this route again next year it just won’t be the same.

Despite the endings and goodbyes, I’m having a hard time accepting that the year is over. I know it intellectually but emotionally I’m haven’t moved past two weeks ago. It looks like the end of the month is going to sneak up on me and find me failing at all of my goals again.

P.S. Despite it being one of my favorite books of all time I’ve been reluctant to start the Hulu series Catch-22. Tonight, having nothing else to watch and no motivation to do anything more fulfilling or productive, I gave it a shot. Three episodes in and I love it. It’s pared down sure, but much of the book’s humor and emotion has been retained. I recommend it!

141 // Where to Look

I woke up to a shocking amount of snow accumulation in front of my house and on my car. Around 7:00 last night I noticed the rain turning over to snow, and I noticed it wasn’t turning back, but it seemed to be letting up. I was sure that while the morning would be drab and cold, that’s the worst it would be. 

What I woke to was drab, cold, and about 4 or 5 inches of snow! There are downed tree limbs all over the city and a lot of exhaustion and frustration around my workplace. This is the last thing we needed to happen during the last week of school.

I’m struggling to keep my mood above professional. I’m struggling to be patient, open, and friendly. I’m struggling to be happy at all. I’ve just been so busy and there is always so much more to do, and on top of it all, I feel guilty because I know my fiance has it worse. Still, I’m feeling alone and angry and I don’t know how to get out of it or where to look for the good.

I’m trying not to force it. The fact is, I’m not happy right now and pretending to be won’t make it so. Instead, I’m just getting through it, which is fine. I don’t need, or even want to be happy all the time, but I do need to keep going. Maybe that is the small good I’m looking for? Maybe resilience is what I should cling to now?

P.S. We got homework from the wedding planner and a checklist to fill out for the photographers. It’s amazing and terrifying how quickly things are coming together. Just under two months left now!

140 // To Wash the Day Away

I’m so tired of this weather.

It was another cold, dark, and dreary day. The clouds rolled in early last night, and the rain—and intermittent snow!—has been falling ever since, will continue to fall through tomorrow, they say.

I’m tired. I’m always tired, I know, but today is something more. It’s all weight on my eyelids and a short temper. It’s a longing for solitude, for warmth, and comfort. It’s simmering rage and offense at the expectation that I should be not just awake, but moving, thinking, and working.

It’s an injustice! A travesty! A personal insult and cruelty!

But I made it through and though tomorrow will be much the same, if not worse, I will make it through that too. For now, there is fried chicken, mashed potatoes, Hawaiian sweet rolls, deep glasses of red wine to wash the day away, and chocolate milk to put us in the mood for sleep.

I’ll let tomorrow stay in tomorrow and sleep well tonight.

P.S. If you haven’t seen the new HBO miniseries Chernobyl, I urge and encourage you to check it out. It’s a heart-wrenching and fascinating dramatization of the tragedy. 

139 // It Builds Up

It was a good day. I accomplished a lot in the morning when my energy levels were boosted by my anxiety. In the afternoon I was disciplined and only allowed myself one TV show before returning to my creativity room to finish some blog things and make a new cut out poem, my first in a long time.

We made breakfast tacos for dinner and paired them with a nice red blend wine. The dinner and wine were supposed to compliment the last episode of Game of Thrones but I enjoyed the food much more than the show. The ending wasn’t bad, just boring.

I should be off to bed now, to get rested and ready for the week, buy I’m stalling. It’s like this every Sunday because I have a hard time letting go of the weekend. What does the work week have to offer that stands any chance against a Sunday of my own. Nothing at all.