Statuses

153 // The Older I Get

Tonight we had dinner with my dad. I love seeing him, but it’s hard seeing him too. There are things bubbling below the surface: pain, misunderstanding, trauma, abandonment, and all sorts of questions too complicated to ask and answers too deep to dig from the past. At the same time though, there is so much love, and pride, and a connection that runs DNA deep.

It’s strange how all the same pain and confusion can exist between mothers and daughters too and yet with time the relationship develops quite differently and both end up nearly opposite from where they began. I was always a daddy’s girl but the older I get the closer I grow to my mom and the further away from my father I feel.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. I think it’s simply about gender and experience. I think it’s part of the process of growing from your parent’s child to their friend.  I know my mother and she knows me now in a way I can never know or be known by my father. I feel a comradeship with her connected to the pain of being a woman that I know now my father will never understand.

In my father is my past and in my mother, my future.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

152 // Feel Guilty Days

Do nothing days are great when they are planned but when they aren’t they are more like feel guilty days. I’ve been having a lot of those lately.

I’m avoiding the to-do list and conveniently forgetting again and again what needs to get done. This is what I do when I am overwhelmed. I get tired. I shut down. I feel the need to rest when the reality is I desperately need the opposite. I need to get up and do something! But knowing doesn’t make it easier. Knowing only makes it more shameful.

By now the day is gone already so there is nothing to be done but to take care of myself. The rain is falling, and it’s lovely. The thunder is clapping, and it’s thrilling. I’ll lean into that and try again tomorrow.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

151 // I Wanted Time

The weeks keep getting away from me. It’s only just hit me that come tomorrow we will be in a whole new month! May was kind of awful but I’m not excited to have it over with so soon. I wanted time to make it better but I’m forced to leave it as it lays.

I am ready for the weekend though. We’ve got no plans yet which sounds wrong. I just know I should be doing more and by Monday I know I’ll wish I had.

But for now, the weather is gorgeous and I’m off from work early. It’s a good Friday.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

150 // You are Aging

My work in the house and yard yesterday has worn me out into today, and for the rest of the week, I fear. It’s depressing to no longer be able to recover with a simple good night’s sleep anymore. It’s depressing to realize that while you are not old yet, you are aging. It’s kind of scary too.

I’m thinking again about those health and fitness goals I set and never started and about how warm it’s getting outside and how I could start walking again and maybe I could get back to a point where I wasn’t so easily exhausted.

Is this age, chronic illness and fatigue, or is it just me being lazy and out of shape? Is any of this reversible or is it all downhill no matter what I do?

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

149 // Making Myself Useful

My anxiety is bad today.

I woke up a full hour earlier than my alarm and laid there staring at the walls in the dark and worrying about the wedding. We realized yesterday that, depending on when the reception venue owner will allow us to set up we may have to push our ceremony back 1 hour.

We realized this after the invitations went out with the times already set in stone and after we’ve given a timeline to the planner, the caterer, and now the photographer. I’ve reached out to the planner who will reach out to the venue owner but until I know for sure I cannot get it out of my head, or my body.

I’m tense and nauseous as I always am when I overreact. I’m worrying about adjacent things that I also have no control over including the weather and whether it will rain, or, somehow, worse, it will be miserably hot.

Luckily work is easy. In fact, I went home even earlier than what would be considered early and spent the rest of the day deep cleaning the house for my fiance who is stuck at work under very stressful conditions. This is also what I do when my anxiety is bad and my mind gets stuck. I make myself useful.

If I can’t ease my anxiety, it helps to ease someone else’s.

P.S. She says she loves the clean house, and it made all the difference for me, and her too, I hope.

 

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

148 // Coffee and Ibuprofen

After an awful night’s sleep, I, understandably, woke up feeling awful.

My back hurt, my head hurt, and though I probably could have gotten up and slammed coffee and ibuprofen until I felt well enough to go into work I just wasn’t in the mood to rush my body into it. So, I didn’t. I text the interested parties, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

After my morning nap, I slammed coffee and ibuprofen and tried to write. Of course, I ended up tackling piles of mail and laundry instead, oh well.

Tomorrow I’ll have to return to work, for real this time, but for now, I’m pretending that they always meant my weekend to be four days long. No guilt, no stress, nothing but guilt and relaxation.

P.S. We received some very good news today! Our engagement rings made it all the way back to Australia safe and sound for resizing and are already on their way back to us. I can’t wait to wear mine again!

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

 

147 // A Reflective Day

Doing nothing yesterday meant that I had to play catch up today. I had to clean the kitchen and do all the laundry. Thankfully, my mind and mood we’re in cooperation and though I woke up later than planned I got right to work.

Now it’s nearly dinner time, the house is clean(er), I’ve caught up with the wedding planner, and even got a head start on upcoming posts, and yet, I feel almost more anxious than if I had done nothing. I wound myself up and got myself worrying there is so much more left to do when there isn’t.

There was no backyard celebrating for us today. We aren’t very big on the customary Memorial Day festivities both of us coming from families with military members. We consider it a reflective day.

I hope everyone no matter how they mark this day enjoys a safe one.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

146 // A Doing Nothing Day

I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s a bad idea and I know I’ll regret it later but I don’t care. I’m doing nothing today. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not cleaning anything. I’m not reading anything. I might not even write anything.

I’m going to sit on the couch and look at nothing but Twitter and Facebook. I’m going to eat all the snacks we have and take a nap when I run out. Later tonight I’ll still be on the couch but by then I’ll, hopefully, be sipping a tall glass of red wine while binge-watching whatever looks good on Netflix.

Recommendations welcome.

145 // I Looked Like Me

Today is all about wedding attire. My fiance is already off to her dress fitting and in a few hours, we’ll both go check out the progress on my suit. I’m very nervous. I was the last time too.

I’m sure it will look better no matter what but it’s hard being a woman trying to make a men’s suit work. I feel like no one understands. I feel somehow embarrassed and ashamed. All I want is to feel and look like me for my wedding.

Ok, so my suit looks amazing! I was so nervous that I couldn’t tell that it did but my fiance assured me then that it did and now that a few hours have passed and I look back I am very pleased with the alterations. There is a bit more that has to be taken in and my pants weren’t ready so I will be back in two weeks but much of my anxiety has lifted. I think I will look great on the big day.

I want to take a moment to say how grateful I am to the tailor for acting as if this was a normal everyday thing. I don’t know how many men’s suits she has altered for women but she makes me feel comfortable; she makes me feel normal, and it means the world.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

144 // The Official Last Day

I really didn’t want to get up and go to work today. The week has been so very long and I’m so very ready to end it already. But it will be an easy day at least and I really want to get as many hours in at work while I can especially after receiving the news that my hours this summer would be substantially less than what I got last year.

It’s finally the official last day of school and the last day that our building will be open before renovations begin. There is chaos everywhere. I’ve been moving around from office to office trying to escape the noise and the confusion but it keeps finding me again and driving me out and chasing me to another room, and another, and another.

But the sun is out, and I got free pizza and a sonic slushie for lunch so it was actually a pretty good day. I’ll miss the coworkers who are off for the summer, going to another location for the summer, or moving on to other jobs for good. I’ll miss my kids too. I’ve got a big summer ahead of me but there is a part of me that is already longing for August.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se