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I’m feeling much, much better than I was yesterday, both physically and emotionally. I think I know now what happened and where the pain came from.

My GI doctor had called me while I was in the morphine haze and I didn’t quite catch it then but I remember now that she mentioned a bit of fluid in my abdomen that could be seen on the CT scan. She mentioned there may have been a cyst that ruptured, but she didn’t sound concerned. This morning I looked up the symptoms, and it sounds exactly like what I went through. I also posted in my ulcerative colitis support group and had a member confirm she had been through very similar and it was also a ruptured cyst.

I feel reassured and validated. I feel like it was reasonable to be seen by a medical professional and it was worth the trip to. I also feel angry. I’m angry that the nurses and doctors were so dismissive and that they rushed me out the way they did. I’m angry that I never get the answers I’m seeking from them. I’m angry for all the pain I’ve dealt with in the past because I was brushed off.

Physically I’m feeling better too. The pain is slowly dulling and dying away. I’m able to move around and I even got out of the house with my wife for some grocery shopping. And, I have to say, I’m really enjoying this social distancing thing. People are more polite, more respectful of boundaries, quieter. The general public has become pleasant to be around. I hope we all retain some of that niceness once the world and real life begin again.

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I woke up this morning, and everything was fine. The pain I’ve been feeling for the last couple of days was there, but it was dull. I could still do my morning things: making coffee, caring for the pets, watering the plants. Then, suddenly, the pain got very bad, very bad! I was doubled over, crying, sweating, nauseous, and dizzy. Something was very wrong, but I tried to lay down and wait for it to pass. I called the GI nurse, but she told me all I could do was go into urgent care. So I did.

Of course with the coronavirus spreading I was reluctant to go but I know my body and this pain was some of the most severe I have ever felt, but it wasn’t new. A few years ago I went through this too. Usually ulcerative colitis pain is on this left side, but this is on the right and only on the right. It’s low and makes me think my appendix is about to burst, or maybe I have a hernia, or perhaps a tear in the bowel. Last time I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and they found nothing and eventually the pain went away but even when it was at its worst it was nothing like this.

When I arrived at the urgent care center, they gave me morphine for the pain, ran some blood tests, and gave me a CT scan and…found nothing. Or nothing much, anyway. Nothing that would warrant their time, attention, or care. I was quickly unplugged from the I.V. and sent on my way with instructions to drink more water, eat more fiber, and feel better soon.

I feel deeply embarrassed. I feel as though I wasted everyone’s time. At the same time, I’m worried there is something they missed. I was in so much pain something has to have been wrong and, honestly, it’s not like they haven’t missed a diagnosis before. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I’m focusing on feeling better, both emotionally and physically, and I’m searching for answers on my own.

Goals // Week 13: Loose Expectations and Broad Guidelines

This week marks the beginning of my “extended Spring break” and the second week of social isolation. The days are very much running together and I am finding it hard to establish a schedule or settle into a routine. How can I when I don’t know from day to day how things may change? How can I when there’s nothing to do but worry about yourself, about your loved ones, about every damned thing in the world? Still, I have to try. I have to put together some loose expectations or some broad guidelines on how I should spend these days away from the rest of the world and my work. I have to do something to stay sane.

This week I will:

Spend at least an hour a day in the “creativity room”. While a month of binge-watching whatever Netflix keeps trying to get me to watch while scrolling through a rotation of social media apps sounds great, I would really like to make better use of my time even if I’m not sure yet what it is I want to do or accomplish. I’m not putting too much pressure on myself for output I know that nothing good—nothing at all—will come from spending my days on the couch. I have to get up, get ready, and get to a place where I can find the work I want to do.

Update: I tried to stay motivated and productive, but I underestimated how much staying at home all day every day would affect me. There were many days when I hardly left the couch, hardly ate, and hardly took care of myself. So, I did get in the “creativity room” for a little while there were many more days where I simply couldn’t fight my way out of anxiety or melancholy to make any progress. It’s surprising how much it turns out that I need other people to cheer and focus me.

 Set alarms for daily activities. I didn’t realize how much of my days were decided by my day job. I didn’t realize that all my prompt, my cravings, my wants, needs, and thoughts were all decided around the hours I worked. Now that I have no hours I can’t for the life of me remember what I am supposed to do and when. I used to have alarms on my phone for things like meals, medicine, even water and walking breaks because I would get so caught up in what I was doing. I think it’s time I go back to that.

Update: The alarms have been set to remind me to wake, to take medication, and to go to sleep. I’d like to add more, to utilize reminders for other regular chores and to-do items, and to start setting timers to help me move through reading, writing, and cleaning, to remind me to work through one task at a time, and to keep track of what tasks are next. Habits are hard to establish, and there is no shame in seeking help.

 Complete one small house project. The laundry room is in desperate need of a deep clean. The basement storage area needs purging. The water heater needs to be drained for the season, and the roof over the back deck needs repairs. Those are just a few off the top of my head projects I could do around the house to pass the time, keep my mind occupied, and achieve a feeling of accomplishment and usefulness. More than writing, or reading, or finishing a course, this would be the best use of my time stuck at home.

Update: Again, it’s been hard to find the motivation, but the energy has eluded me too. I did have my infusion this week, and perhaps I was asking too much of myself after being pumped full of medication. I’m always a little fatigued after these things, and I failed to remember that. Luckily the feeling fades quickly and I should feel a little more myself in the coming days.

Read to page 900 of It by Stephen King. I’m making a lot of progress through tis book so far, and if I keep up the pace, I could very easily finish this massive novel by the end of next week. The trick is to give up some social media time and devote it to reading time, which hasn’t been so hard now that I’m limiting my access to the news. I’ve moved my news check time to 5:00 PM and around 7:00 I put my phone away and take out my book until it’s time for bed. Bonus: Finish two books from my Little Black Classics set and choose an ebook to download and read from my old iPad.

Update: I’ve been spending time reading almost every evening and a couple of days I made sure to read away from the TV and from my phone in order to avoid any distraction. The effort paid off, and I was able to make it all the way to page 1,045 and have just over 100 left to go. I decided to focus fully on reading It since it’s such a long book and skip the catching up on my Penguin Little Black Classics. Going forward I am going to keep my reading goals much more narrowed and focused until I can finally move on from this tome.

Keep in touch with my family and friends. Last Friday, I checked in on my friends. Yesterday my dad called and last night my wife and I joined a “family day” call on Snapchat. My cousin calls regularly to check in on us, and I’ve been texting my mom every other day or so. I miss everyone so much and I am so worried all the time for them, but it helps to call, connect, and vent. It helps to hear they are fine, they are hopeful, they are getting through it the same as me. For my mental health, and for their’s too, it’s important not to forget to reach out.

Update: Time simply got away from me and I didn’t get to make all the calls I wanted to. Most of the checking in I did was after others had called me which was good but if I’m honest was not what I meant when I set this goal. I am happy to report that as of right now all my close friends and family are still feeling well and many were able to begin working from home and others who were without work found temporary work.

Stay well, emotionally and physically. I haven’t been feeling great these past few days and I’m really worried about either contracting the virus or falling back into an ulcerative colitis flare because I am worried about the virus. I’ve already been washing my hands more, using hand sanitizer, and drastically limiting my exposure to the general public, but there’s more I need to do for me too. I have to take all of my medications and my supplements on time. I have to eat regularly and eat healthy. I have to limit my access to the news, and I may even start meditating again. I should get out and walk around the block more, see the sun, forget the crisis all around me.

Update: I haven’t been great at taking all of my medications or eating meals on time but progress was definitely made. I made it to my infusion appointment, ordered all of my medications that were getting low, and took every precaution when I had to leave the house. My wife and I are both feeling well and avoiding leaving the house as much as possible. I’m still very worried that in a week or so one or both of us will come down with symptoms but all I can do is take it day by day and today we are as well physically and emotionally and anyone can expect.

This week I will not feel guilty for enjoying this time. I have flashes of happiness and contentment over my spontaneous staycation away from work, and I almost always feel bad for it. People are suffering and dying, losing money and losing their homes, and I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be happy either. Who knows what hardships are in my future too and the truth is any shred of joy or even peace that I can find now may be just the kind of memory I will need to hold on to later when times turn rougher and more uncertain.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 12.

Photo by kyler trautner on Unsplash

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I’m back in the creativity room again and it feels really good. The couch is nice but the T.V. is distracting and to be honest as much as my wife and I love each other it isn’t good for us to be in the same room too many days in a row. I’m grateful not to have to go through this social isolation alone, but it does require an adjustment period and a lot of sensitivity and flexibility when you are married. We’re working out how much time together is too much and how to express thoughtfully and sensitively whenever either of us needs space.

I’m glad it is a given that both of us would have different schedules and projects around the house throughout the day, just as if we were at work. We’re still working out how which part of the day should be spent together, but I think the answer is easy, the evenings and weekends as it’s always been.

So far we are coping with the shut in okay. I’m more worried about my loved ones, some of which are still being expected to work and others who have found themselves temporarily unemployed and without pay. I worry they will get sick and I worry they will lose their homes or have their utilities shut off.

And the worry is taking a toll, too. My stomach has been hurting for a couple of days now and only getting worse. I’m worried about another ulcerative colitis flare. That’s the last thing I need to deal with right now. (Although on second thought if I had to go into a flare this would be the best time. Well, if it weren’t for the shortage of toilet paper, that is.) I know the healthcare system has bigger worries and I am sure my doctors are otherwise occupied. I don’t think I would have the usual support if I flared right now.

It seems there is no part of life this pandemic isn’t touching.

If We Were Having Coffee // One of the Lucky Ones

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

The days have been running into one another lately, and time has ceased dividing into recognizable or manageable segments. That is to say, I almost forgot today is Sunday and when I did realize, it took some time to remember what that means. So, it’s been a late start and then a slow start, but at least I started at all. Social isolation isn’t good for the mind, body, or spirit but virtual chats help, venting, unburdening, and sharing helps, coffee helps.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I have the usual: coarse blond roast steeping in the French press with frothed sweet vanilla oat milk to compliment the mellow brew. Let’s talk about last week!

“Take a shower. Wash away every trace of yesterday. Of smells. Of weary skin. Get dressed. Make coffee, windows open, the sun shining through. Hold the cup with two hands and notice that you feel the feeling of warmth.”

― Charlotte Eriksson, You’re Doing Just Fine

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was strangely both the quietest week and the most nerve-wracking I’ve ever had. My wife and I are doing our best to practice social distancing and have hardly left the house except to buy groceries or to walk the dog. It hasn’t been easy to be away from work or to be away from our friends but I’m grateful to have someone I love and like to spend this pandemic with.

For the most part we’ve been cleaning, or watching movies together. She’s had some work to do from home and while she works I sit across from her and try to write. I’ve been reading too and catching up on missed podcast episodes and new albums from artists I like.

It hasn’t been a time of perfect productivity or even self-care, though. I’ve been struggling to keep up anything like my usual schedule and failing to muster the motivation to create a new one. It’s hard to do anything with a threatening cloud of depression and anxiety hanging over your head. It’s hard to be productive when you feel compelled to check the news constantly. It’s hard to get out of bed when you miss your friends, and every event you had been looking forward to through the next few months has been cancelled.

Still, I know this is for the greater good and that makes it easier to bear. I know that eventually a feeling of normalcy will return to daily life, and eventually we’ll find a way through this so we can return to being the social creatures we naturally are.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that around the middle of the week I received an email from the school district with the news that this extended Spring break is being extended even further. Now I won’t be returning to work until at least Monday, April 20th now. However, the Governor made a statement the same day expressing that the likelihood of the school year resuming at all this year is growing increasingly unlikely. I believe that I will be away from work through the end of May at least, and probably through much of the summer too.

I’m glad I get to stay home, to keep myself and my family safe, and I’m glad I will be paid for this time, even though I can’t even work from home. There are opportunities to help out though, and I am considering volunteering to do something for the community. My district is delivering meals and books to kids across the city and they’re asking for help. I’m conflicted though. Many of my medications affect my immune system response, and my wife has asthma. I would hate to get sick and I would hate even more to bring it home to her.

We’re also exploring ways to help through monetary spending and donation. We’re going to continue ordering food for delivery to support local restaurants and businesses, and I’d like to contribute to Project Angel Heart and the Colorado COVID Relief Fund too. We’re going to do as much as we can, but I wish we could do more. It’s hard not to be able to fight something so big, something you can’t see, something so unstoppable. My heart and my deepest thanks goes out to those who are doing more. The medical community, the retail and janitorial workers, the journalist and other news staff, and even our elected leaders who are risking their lives and the lives of their loved ones to fight this for us.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that not everything was cancelled this week. On Tuesday I attended a CPR Instructor class. They took plenty of precautions. We were asked to wash our hands every time we left and reentered the room. We were then asked to use hand sanitizer and for the afternoon portions of the class we were asked to use gloves. We each sat 6 feet from one another and we could not share mannequins or any other equipment and at the end of the class we disinfected everything we’d touched with rubbing alcohol.

I was very nervous about the class itself, but it turned out to be a lot easier and a lot more laid back than I thought it would be. I did learn a lot, but I feel confident both in my own skills and my ability to teach adult and infant CPR, first aid, and the use of an AED. Now I’m only nervous about following the American Heart Association guidelines to keep my instructor certification. I have to submit the paperwork properly and timely, and I will have to be observed teaching as well—eek!

I was supposed to take a four day Crisis Prevention and Intervention Instructor class next month too, but according to the website all classes have been postponed until further notice. Oh well, it’s not like I’m working right now anyway and I know that as soon as it becomes possible I will get my certification.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that even though we may not be able to go to the movies, or restaurants or out to bars with our friends we are trying to get out into the neighborhood as much as possible. The weather has been cold and dreary these past couple of days and on the first day of Spring we saw the first major snowstorm we’ve had in over a month, but there has been sun in between and the temperatures are forecasted to rise again this week. We’re taking the dog for long walks whenever we can.

My wife is getting out more than me. She goes in the early morning when it’s too cold for my liking, but I’d like to take my turn in the sun nearer the afternoon this week. I had hoped that we would be able to get some hiking in, but the Rocky Mountain National Park has closed and many of the trails close to the city are reportedly overcrowded and impossible to practice social distancing on. I’m still looking for a quiet place for my wife and I to to immerse ourselves in nature and forget for at least a little while all the surrounding terribleness.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that self-care is so important right, but it’s proving harder than ever to find the motivation or energy to remember what it is I need right now. It’s harder to remember to shower, to eat, and to take my medication than it ever was when I was working those long and stressful hours. It’s harder to go to bed at a decent time, to wake up early, to clean up and to stay off your phone.

I’m trying to shift my focus from being a working and productive individual to being a feeling and needing human being. While isolating myself for the greater good, I can’t forget to keep myself safe and healthy too. The old routines may be gone, and new ones may be hard to pin down, but time has to be made and effort given to the remainder of the basic human needs, if nothing else.

It helps to practice gratitude too and to find new ways to connect with people I care about. I’ve never been good at picking up the phone, but this past week I’ve tried a little harder. I am checking in with family and with friends who are still expected to work and as far as I can tell those close to me are safe and sound too. I wish more people could take off from work, and I wish more people could be assured financial stability the way my wife and I have been. I’m one of the lucky ones, and remembering that goes a long way toward keeping a positive perspective.

It helps too to remember that nothing is being asked of me during this time except to stay home and to stay safe, and if that means not asking much of myself either than that is what I will do. The days might be made of little more than some writing, some reading, some walking and a whole lot of rest and that’s okay. It’s okay to do whatever I want, whatever I need, and to do nothing at all too. It has to be okay.

We all have to remember that nothing is being expected of us right now. Nothing but doing our best to stay well and to keep each other well too.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the day is wearing on and the coffee and the chat have been helpful it’s reminded me of all my fears, frustrations, and failing. I’m starting to feel down, anxious, and overwhelmed. It’s time I return to distracting myself again. It’s time to zone out, to forget this pandemic, to fix myself a drink, and lose myself in a show or a book for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will bring more news and more changes and I need to be ready, emotionally.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you have been able to isolate yourself, to stay well, and to stay sane. I hope you keep in touch with your loved ones and never forget you are not alone. We are all in this together, even if we must deal with it apart. I hope you know I’m here for you.

Until next time.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

If you’re looking for this week’s song, it’s here in its own post. From now on, I’ll be adding songs under the “music” tag rather than in the Weekend Coffee Shares.

Right // Mac Miller

Right // Mac Miller

Yeah, it’s been a while without your face
But I saw your picture on the wall the other day
Too much distance, too much space
You need to come back home and run along, yeah
I’m waiting for the light to change
You ask me how I’ve been and I’m good, I can’t complain
Times get harder, things get strange
All I know, I don’t want you gone

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Today is a do nothing day. I’ve spent it in the bright and roomy corner of the couch reading while the cat and dog alternate turns cuddling with me. My wife is at the other end playing all the Divergent movies back to back. Her foot taps mine every once in a while to reassure us both, and between movies we alternate fetching snacks. It’s a true Saturday, not just a day cooped up at home. It helps if you feel like you chose it; you know?

I’m not in love with the book I’m reading but I’ve put in so much time and tried so hard that I have to see the nearly 1,200 page tome through to the end. I would have finished It by now if it weren’t for the sheer size of the thing and I’m rethinking my aversion to ebooks again because of it. I recently had a chat with an old fan of the blog and his questions reminded me that I have an old iPad lying around that could serve as an e-reader once I delete every other app installed.

When I’m done with It I’ll give e-books a real try. I have enough money in gift cards to try some contemporary reads without investing too much.

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It’s getting harder and harder to find a routine. My instinct is to treat every day like it’s Saturday until the Sunday before I must return to work finally comes along, but Saturday’s have always been about escape. They are about anything but work and routine. Every weekend was all fun, and rest, and fulfillment, until finally, they had to be for preparation, but they were never the work or the routine.

A month or more of Saturday’s sounds like fun, but time spent only in rest and escape is just as off-balance and unhealthy as life too devoted to work and productivity.

Before this age of social distancing, I spent my free time trying to work out how to include leisure in my life. Now I’m trying to find time for work. What is my work now that my day job is closed? What can I do now that I must do it alone and from home? How can my days be structured, so that something is being accomplished and a healthy balance is being achieved?

These are the kinds of questions I am trying to answer now and my worry is that by the time I answer them it will be time to return to the old balance and routine and I will have wasted time overthinking my role in this pandemic.

The Week’s End // Coronavirus Edition

This week has been overwhelming, to say the least. A lot of us have been away from work, friends and family, and a lot of us have been working overtime to keep society moving and to care for those most in need. The weekend is on the way now, and my hope is that all of us get a chance to rest and to catch up.

I know we’re all tired of hearing about the coronavirus but I felt it was important to do my part this week by sharing a round up of thoughtful, informative, and trustworthy articles and information on the rapidly spreading virus and our current situation.

I promise that if I post a round-up next week, it will be about anything but this pandemic, but for now, here are some interesting things on the coronavirus outbreak I found around the web this week:

Ballet dancer and performer Ashlee Montague of New York wears a gas mask while she dances in Times Square as the coronavirus outbreak continues in Manhattan, New York City, on March 18, 2020. — The Atlantic, Photos of the Week

1. “‘The Plague’ isn’t trying to panic us, because panic suggests a response to a dangerous but short-term condition from which we can eventually find safety. But there can never be safety—and that is why, for Camus, we need to love our fellow damned humans and work without hope or despair for the amelioration of suffering. Life is a hospice, never a hospital.” — Opinion | Camus on the Coronavirus Bonus: What We Can Learn (and Should Unlearn) From Albert Camus’s The Plague

2. “The Centers for Disease Control recommends we all take steps to clean and sanitize high-touch surfaces in our homes. Below, we get into the weeds of how long the virus might last on surfaces, which disinfectants may kill it, and the steps you should take to keep clean.” — How to Disinfect Everything: Coronavirus Home Cleaning Tips

3. “But social distancing is really better characterized as physical distancing — the social part of it just needs to become more virtual for the time being. Social solidarity has never been more needed.” — Coronavirus: Why social distancing is a thankless task

4. “No one would ever wish for a pandemic to create this scene, which is inextricable from an unfolding financial collapse, extreme social isolation and an untold cost in lives. Yet as leaders grapple with how to heal society in the wake of this extraordinary crisis, and prepare for a future that still includes climate change, it might offer an image of what is possible.” — The Mobility Impacts of Coronavirus

5. “This is not the last major outbreak we’re ever going to see. There’s going to be more outbreaks, and there’s going to be more epidemics. That’s not a maybe. That’s a given. And it’s a result of the way that we, as human beings, are interacting with our planet.” — Why COVID-19 is hitting us now—and how to prepare for the next outbreak

6. “The novel coronavirus is affecting more and more people every day. Businesses are closing. Jobs are on the line. The Red Cross is running low on blood supply. Fortunately, there are ways to help ease some of the burden for others.” — Coronavirus pandemic: 6 things you can do to help Bonus: Go to smile.amazon.com and choose a charity to support with a small percentage of anything you buy.

7. “So now isn‘t a time for panic, but it is a time for preparation—to be ready for weeks or even months when much is shut down.” — Preparing to shelter in place for coronavirus: A printable guide to what you need at home

8. “All over America, the coronavirus is revealing, or at least reminding us, just how much of contemporary American life is bullshit, with power structures built on punishment and fear as opposed to our best interest. Whenever the government or a corporation benevolently withdraws some punitive threat because of the coronavirus, it’s a signal that there was never any good reason for that threat to exist in the first place.” — The coronavirus is exposing the arbitrary, cruel realities of America’s rules.

9. “Hence, today, there is almost no sphere or arena of American life in which the values of predatory capitalism don’t predominate or monopolize. Because society is made up more or less only of predatory capitalism, only those values can ever be expressed. Not even in, say, media, not healthcare, not education — which, in other rich countries, because they are not run for profit, are arenas in which softer and gentler qualities can be expressed, like decency, reason, dignity, purpose, meaning, belonging, truth, care, mercy.” — The Origins of America’s Unique and Spectacular Cruelty

10. “That said, the president and his administration are responsible for grave, costly errors, most especially the epic manufacturing failures in diagnostic testing, the decision to test too few people, the delay in expanding testing to labs outside the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and problems in the supply chain. These mistakes have left us blind and badly behind the curve, and, for a few crucial weeks, they created a false sense of security.” — Peter Wehner: The Trump Presidency Is Over

Brad Montague (via swissmiss)

Have you read, watched, written, or posted an interesting or inspiring thing this week? Has something on the internet made you feel strongly, think deeply, or see the world in a new light? If so, drop a link in the comments, we’d love to check it out!

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash