If We Were Having Coffee // Comfortable in My Skin Again

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I know it’s late but today didn’t turn out exactly as I imagined it would. I woke up early this morning to take some time for me and to write but it’s also family day and there wasn’t enough time for all the things I wanted to do before I was out the door and on my way and my family always get more of me than I plan to give. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. Time with them is time spent in warmth, and love, and laughter. It was a good day, but it went on so much longer than I expected. Luckily it’s never too late for coffee, not really.

So, please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. I’ve got the usual ground light roast steeping in the French press but we’ll be trying oat milk for the first time tonight. Let’s talk about last week.

“Either way, he figured a cup of coffee would hit the spot. For what is more versatile? As at home in tin as it is in Limoges, coffee can energize the industrious at dawn, calm the reflective at noon, or raise the spirits of the beleaguered in the middle of the night.”

― Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was a very busy one. I spent long hours at work training a new class of employees all without my boss around to help guide me and all while trying to manage my stress levels and wean off of my medications.

There was more than one evening through the week that I came home, head throbbing and my body sore from the hips down after walking all day that I could hardly stand. I’d collapse in the bed, sleep until my wife woke me for dinner, and then sleep again just to wake up the next morning still exhausted, still hurting, but still determined to keep putting one foot in front in of the other and get through another day no matter what.

The class is doing well and at least this isn’t my first one so I’m not completely lost. I do learn a little more each time and I can tell I’m getting better. Speaking in front of a group is coming easier now and so are the answers to weirder and wilder questions. Working on a school bus isn’t easy and you would be shocked by the outrageous scenarios and situations that can arise on a moving vehicle filled with children who do not consider you much of an authority figure. The training is extensive and surprisingly overwhelming and oftentimes even emotional.

By Friday I had over 10 hours of overtime when most weeks I barely want to work over 30. The hours in addition to the weekly drop in milligrams I’m taking in steroids, in addition to my increasing anxiety, and in addition to chronic pain and fatigue means I feel like superwoman right now! I know I’m not supposed to push so hard but I need these wins right now. I need to know I can still do things. I need other people to know I can do these things.

So, it was a tough week but I survived with few setbacks or blows to my dignity and now I can give myself the rest I desperately need.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have very little planned for this long weekend away from work.

Friday night I wasn’t feeling very much like myself. Between the steroid-induced acne, sweating, and facial swelling my self-esteem had been taking hits all week and by the end, all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole as far away from other humans as possible and live in isolation forever. I felt ugly and embarrassed and it’s been hard for me to imagine that others don’t see me the way that I see myself.

I’m doing much better now though. I turned Saturday into a day of self-care. I took a long shower and did a deep cleanse on my hair. I used lots of smell good soaps and conditioners. I did a clay face mask. I shaved and plucked and primped until I felt comfortable in my own skin again. I know I shouldn’t be so vain or so worried about what others think, but I’m human and all humans do at least sometimes. I’m not usually one to spend so much time on my appearance but I think spending more time doing things that make me feel beautiful and good is just what I need right now.

Today I’m was with my brother and his family for our weekly family day potluck. His wife had surgery last week and I was anxious to see how she is doing. She seems well, considering, but I could tell our presence weighed on her and only wore her out further. At the same time, I know she wanted us there and I did my best to be cheerful and useful. In turn they cheered me too. I need to get out of the house and among people more often than I have the energy or inclination to.

Tomorrow I’m off from work for the holiday and though I will be thinking of the great Dr. Martin Luther King and his legacy, I am also going to spend the time thinking of myself too.

I need a day outside of time (as I call those scattered Mondays and Fridays marked “closed” on our school year calendar) to forget work, and errands, and chores, and goals, and to just be happy doing nothing but living and loving. I’m going to get out, see the sun, and go buy something nice for myself. I’m going to eat something bad for me, drink a beer in the middle of the day, take a nap, then do nothing at all for the rest of the evening and feel not one shred of guilt for it.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I was too busy this week to do much of anything outside of work and sleep but I did find time to read since my Penguin Little Black Classics box set arrived yesterday. I’ve already finished book one, Mrs. Rosie and the Priest by Giovanni Boccaccio, which was quite a salacious set of stories for Penguin to begin with, but I’m taking my time with the second, a small book of startlingly beautiful poems by Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Each book in the set is only around 50 pages long and I felt that sticking to my original reading goal of 30 books for the year would have been far too easy now. I felt too much like cheating so I raised it to 50 books for 2020. I may raise it further considering not only that I can read many of these in one day but that a few of them I have read already. I’d love to add the whole set, all 80 books, plus the 30 novel-length books I had already planned to read, and hit an even 120 but the end of December.

In addition to the set, I’m also reading Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I read One Hundred Years of Solitude last year and fell in love with Márquez. He has taken my breath away once again with his prose but the feminist in me is again screaming that though he writes beautifully there is so much suffering, oppression, and mistreatment of women and children underneath it all.

I can, of course, still enjoy the story and the writing but my principles will not let me overlook the pain. It’s so frustrating to read these classics as a queer woman of color and see so much that men miss in the way they write about experiences outside of their own. I can see how much they forget, how much they don’t see, how much they don’t care and when it’s a writer you really love, it hurts deeply.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the coming week is going to be another busy one, unfortunately. The class had to be extended due to the long holiday and that means more days spent working long hours and pushing myself hard to get through the week. I’m thankful it will be at least one day shorter and there is a chance it may be two since I’m technically off on Friday too.

I meant to spend it helping a coworker and friend move along with another coworker and friend but the coworker and friend who was going to help too won’t be able to come and since I already have the day off I have the option of taking it anyway or going in to avoid the guilt. Staying home sounds like the more enjoyable choice but there is so much work to be done and my chances of reaching working enough to reach “time and a half” are already looking slim.

It only one day but living in a capitalist society makes these choices hard. I hate to let my team down, to leave work undone, to be unproductive, or to turn down the money, you know?

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though I am enjoying the late-night chat too much coffee for too long into the night starts to impact the quality of the next day to come. There won’t be enough coffee in the world to correct for what I take from tomorrow today so I have to be off to bed now and salvage what I can.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you aren’t feeling too stressed or down. I hope you spent time with people you love and that you made time for yourself too. I hope you are reading something good or that you’re making something simply because it feels good and right to make it. I hope you have something that is yours alone and if you don’t I hope it finds you soon.

Until next time.

Blue World // Mac Miller

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Julien Labelle on Unsplash

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Thank god we have an extra day off from work this week because I am in no mood for chores or errands or any of my usual Sunday stuff. And anyway, it’s family day, so it’s not like I have the time.

Today will just have to exist outside of time. There will not only be no work but there will be no reading, no writing (besides this), no schedule, no learning, and definitely no cleaning, organizing, or planning. I won’t let myself worry about what I have to do, what I should be doing, or what would be best for me to do. It feels so good to rebel every once in a while, even against yourself.

Family day was wonderful. Seeing my sister, my brother and his wife, my niece and nephew, and their dogs was just what I needed to recalibrate my attitude. It feels good to be around people who really know you, accept you, love you. One of life’s greatest tragedies, I’m now convinced, is how much more time we’re forced to spend with coworkers, bosses, customers and clients than we get to spend with our loved ones because we have bills that need paying and health care that needs covering.

After family day we took my little sister on a run to the thrift store. We found some art for our bare walls, a glass container to use as a new terrarium, and, of course, a new book, a collection of three plays by Aristophanes.

Afterward I saw my mom for one of our hilarious and awkward visits. The past is such a hard place to revisit but it’s easier when you can hold hands, go there together, share the pain, be honest about it, laugh about it, and guide one another back out again with understanding. My heart is a little lighter than it was yesterday and that is an awesome and rare gift.

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I woke up still feeling a little down on myself so I’ve decided to scratch all of the plans I had, all the things I felt I had to get done and instead I’m giving myself permission to take care of myself. I need to take some time not just to rest and to do the bare minimum for myself. I need to find a way to feel good about myself again, inside and out.

So, long hot showers, a thorough exfoliation and a deep condition, a face mask, and some real time spent in the creativity room is all I’m putting on the agenda for today.

I’m feeling so much more comfortable in my skin now.

My wife brought home some flowers to brighten the house and with her here and all the time I spent just for me has me feeling all the way better! I’m myself again. I’m comfortable. I’m safe. I’m, dare I say it, happy? I wish I could have more days like this. Days to undo all the damage the world does to me and all the damage I do to myself too.

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It’s Friday and I have absolutely had it with this week. It wasn’t a bad day, or a bad week by far, but damn was it exhausting.

The class is getting along just fine and today they even got to sit in, ask questions, and contribute to discussions on our employee group forming a union. The meeting was a lot. It was emotion, informative, inspiring, and, at certain points, a little awkward. All in all though, I thought it was really good. I’m on board. I’m fired up. I can’t wait to fight!

Health-wise I’m feeling pretty low today. My joint pain is back, which isn’t a good sign, and the fatigue nearly has me beat. I’ve had a headache off and on all week and waening off of these steroids is wrecking my body. Acne, drenching sweats, and terrible “moon face” are starting to impact my self-esteem but I’ve only got four more weeks to go until I’m off and I can start focusing on getting my body back to some semblance of normal.

I am home early tonight but I’m feeling too down on myself to be productive in any sense of the word. I had an embarrassing afternoon and my mind won’t let me forget my humiliation. I won’t relive it here too (some things shouldn’t exist on the internet forever) but if I could crawl into a hole and never see the light of day or another human being again, it would be a relief.

So tonight is the couch, margaritas, spicy Mexican take-out, and Netflix. Hopefully, by the time I return to the work week the world, and I, will have forgotten all about today.

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Today was another long day but with the help of coffee and a good laugh or two with a few of my friends, I am making it through. I’ve even managed to surprise myself by how well organized and on top of things I have been. I’m almost beginning to think of myself as capable and, dare I say it, deserving of recognition.

As good as this all feels, I can tell I am nearing the limit of what my body and mind can handle, stress-wise. I’m pushing myself hard this week and if I’m not careful, I’ll cross the line and end up crashing out before I can make it to the weekend.

But I’m so close now I know I can’t give up! Just another day and a half and I’ll get a nice long 3-day weekend. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this…

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The week continues to wear me down, but I am determined to stay strong and make it all the way through Friday afternoon. I’m halfway there already and besides a bit of fatigue and frustration—which is easily relieved with a little laughter and an afternoon nap—I’m doing surprisingly well. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is cause for pride and celebration.

I do wish I had more time for me right now. I miss writing, or, I miss trying to write, anyway. I miss reading. I miss having time for music, or podcasts, or quiet. It’s only been three days of this hard work schedule but I already feel disconnected from myself and my day-to-day life. It feels good being Superwoman, working long hours, and getting all the things done, but I need time to spend with just myself to rest and decompress. I need a part of every day that belongs to me alone.

Soon though, soon. The long work hours won’t last more than another work-week and in the middle of it all I will have a nice long weekend. I’ll make it, physically, mentally is still up in the air though.

It came! It finally came! My Penguin Little Black Classics box set was finally delivered today, and it is as beautiful and wonderful as I’d hoped.

When I got home, I saw the box and even though I had a bad headache and needed to rest, I took the box with me into the bed to look over each of the 80 books one by one before nodding off. I woke around dinner time and carried the whole set with me from the bed to the couch to examine each one again and start reading. I’m already halfway through the first one now. I wish I could carry all 80 books with me everywhere. I love them all.

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My anxiety over the first day of class for the new employees starting today kept me up all night last night. It isn’t that I was worrying about making a mistake or about anything going wrong. Instead, I laid there in dark just running through the details, trying to create a script for every interaction, find an answer to every question that could be asked, and coming up with a strategy for every obstacle I might encounter.

I just wanted it all planned out and no matter how much I told myself that a perfect or complete plan was impossible I couldn’t stop my mind from racing nor calm my heart from pounding hard and loud.

I think it’s knowing that what I am doing is important. It’s knowing the stakes are high. It’s knowing that there are stakes at all! It’s knowing that what I say to these people has an impact and consequences in not just their lives but the lives of the kids we service and assist. What I do matters and I can’t just breeze through it with an “I got this” attitude.

I owe it to everyone to worry myself sick.

It wasn’t easy, but I managed to make it through the first day of class unscathed. A lot of things went wrong but not in any of the ways I worried about or tried to plan for last night. Despite my frustrations this somehow makes me feel better. It’s like a small proof that I had nothing to worry about after all. Still, I was on my feet all day and scrambling to appear profession amid the chaos.

My hope now is that all that hard work and stress has exhausted me enough that I will sleep a little more soundly tonight.