I wish I hadn’t slept in so much but I also know I desperately need the rest. I’m still dealing with a sore throat but every morning it’s a little better and today I seem to have a little more of the energy I’ve missed. We’re attending a birthday party for a friend later so I’m trying to get all of my little to-do’s done and a decent nap in before late afternoon.

My wife: Let’s start over. Something is wrong with us today.

My mood is all bad. I’m anxious and on edge. I won’t know many people at the party we’re going to and it’s making me nervous. I’m worried I will do or say something stupid. I always do, I think, but I still have to go. This is important. These people are important to us and it’s important to us to show up for them the way they have for us before.

And I know that when my mind tells me I’m going to mess up. When I think I am going to say something stupid or make an ass of myself, that it is my mind lying to me. The truth is, I will probably have a great time and people are more than likely going to like me just fine. And the truth is, despite the good time I will agonize over every word I say tonight for the next week at least, and I still have to do it.

The weather is much improved today but still rather wintery. It’s a good day though. I’m not as focused as I should be and I’m not nearly as productive as I should be either, but I’m with people that make me smile and they made me feel like I belong and some days that is just more important that the to-do lists and the goals, right?

I’m feeling better and better every day, but the early mornings and the late afternoons are hard. I wake with a swollen and sore throat, difficulty swallowing, and a bit of ear pain but as the day progresses the symptoms subside, but return after lunch reminding me I still have a long way to go toward complete recovery. I had hoped to go out tonight, and I was bummed when the plans had to be canceled, but now I think it was for the best. I can spend the evening relaxing knowing I can sleep in tomorrow and that my time will be mine for the next two days.

This weekend I have one birthday party to attend—an adult one this time—and that’s it for plans. The rest of my time will be for reading, for little blackout poems and collages, for insignificant writing, and for that special brand of procrastination that manifests as house work. I’m looking forward to it all.

I’m back at work today and feeling so much better than I have all week. I made it through the whole day with just a bit of fatigue near the end of the workday and some throat soreness in the evenings. I’m sure with another day of rest I would have been even better off but Capitalism won’t let me take that much time for myself, you know?

The weather didn’t affect me as badly as I thought it would. It was cold—bitter cold!—and it snowed but I was lucky enough to get to spend at least the morning indoors helping in the office.

Usually I hate the snow but as I walked between the buildings and in and out of the office today, I took my time. I let the soft flakes fall on my face. I watched the moisture from my own breath condense in the air. I listened to the silence, and I listened to sounds traveling from far away on the cold air. It’s actually kind of beautiful.

I’ve never felt that way about winter weather before.

I was supposed to try again today but I’m still feeling so sickly I knew if I tired I would only end up right back at home just like yesterday. So, I stayed in, again. I know it’s what’s best for me but I really feel guilty now. Usually when I feel guilty about taking time for my health, I end up pushing myself to be productive when I should be resting but today I’m fighting the urge. I can’t go on missing work so I’m forcing myself to stay in bed and to sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. I’m only up to eat, to take medication, and to drink fluids, that is it!

If I am not feeling better by tomorrow, I’m definitely seeing a doctor.

It worked! I think I’m finally on the mend. By the time my wife made it back home from work I was feeling so much better. I’m coughing a lot less and when I do it is much more productive. My airways are clearing out and I don’t feel as fatigued or disoriented as I did this morning. Even my body aches are better!

I’m looking forward to work tomorrow, even though the weather is taking a nasty turn for the worst. We’re expecting at least a 40 degree drop in temperatures between this afternoon and tomorrow, from the high 70s to the mid-30s! Snow is forecasted too though I’m not sure how much. I wish it we’re going to be a better weather day for my return to work. Oh well.

So, I’m searching out our winter gear and setting out warm clothes. Tomorrow winter arrives, but just for the day I hear. By Friday afternoon we are back in the 50s and by Sunday 70!

Ok, I tried, I really did, but whatever I have is hanging on and really kicking my ass. I did manage to get myself up and dressed and into work on time but I’d been miserable, disoriented, sweating, and exhausted since I arrived. I looked so bad my boss said I should go home and I jumped at the chance. I came home, did the dishes so I wouldn’t feel bad, and slept the rest of the afternoon away.

Increasingly I’m worried what I have is not a minor cold but the flu. That would be just my luck. I get a flu shot every year but this year I got too busy to get into the clinic right away and here I am laid up on the couch (where I have been quarantined since Sunday night!) sniffling, coughing, and aching. At least I don’t have a fever, and at least I have a job I know will hold my place while I recover for a few days.

For now, I’m just going to sleep for the rest of the day and hope it’ll finally be enough to get me through the worst of it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

This morning I woke up and my throat was so swollen, and my head ached so badly, I knew I would be useless at work and in the process probably just make myself sicker from exhaustion, so I opted to stay in and recoup. I’m sure just one more day of rest is all I need to get back on my feet.

My wife is home too and taking care of me so well I feel a little guilty over it. She’s fetching me things, making my food, making sure I take medication on time, and reminding me to turn off all screen and rest when I know I should but wouldn’t without her prompt. I feel bad for wasting both her day and mine, but I know too that there was nothing I could do. It’s not like I got sick on purpose and if I don’t take the time to get better now we will waste even more time when this sickness is prolonged.

If We Were Having Coffee // Toughing It Out

Hello, happy Sunday and welcome! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I didn’t think we would meet today. I am stuck in bed today trying my best to recover from a throat infection. I didn’t think I would drink coffee at all since I should be sleeping but I’ve always felt that a little spending a little time up and about is important while your sick so you don’t get too down and nothing lifts the spirits like caffeine so why not? I can’t help being sick, but I don’t have to be miserable through it, do I?

Please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. The weather is still chilly but I’m in no mood for the ritual of the Moka pot. So, cold brew and vanilla almond milk it is. Let’s have a short chat about last week.

“Some mornings there just isn’t enough coffee.”

― Carol Preflatish

If we were having coffee, I would tell you this past week wasn’t a good one. I felt down and discouraged most of it. I wasn’t working well with others and even on my own I felt unmotivated and directionless. On Tuesday I took a day to myself in and attempt to restart the week, but it didn’t work. In fact, I just felt worse. Time was thrown off and then there was the guilt. I’ve never been good at those “mental health” days.

Looking back now I wonder if it was because I was getting sick. The sore throat started on Wednesday but I thought I had simply burned it on hot food the day before. On Thursday it was a little worse, but I had no other symptoms so I still figured it was an injury rather than an illness.

On Friday the cough started, but it was light and I still felt fine, just a little tired that was all so I didn’t worry too much. Yesterday things escalated and the sore throat turned into an earache, then a headache, then my sinuses began to hurt, and the fatigue got bad.

I’m avoiding the cough drops and the nasty cold medicines as much as I can since they don’t sit well with my sensitive digestive tract anymore but that means I’m toughing it out in bed and not getting to do all my usual Sunday things.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you despite feeling cruddy I did have a wonderful “Saturdate” with my wife yesterday.

We woke up early, got clean up and fancy, and went downtown for brunch and a Colorado ballet performance of Don Quixote. Brunch was at our favorite jazz place featuring a live band, an all you can eat buffet of my breakfast favorites, a whole bottle of champagne between us for Bellinis and mimosas. We over stuffed ourselves and left feeling pleasantly tipsy to catch the show.

The ballet was okay. Last year we saw a ballet performance in the same opera house of Dracula and nothing have lived up to that display of perfection since. In this show there was a much greater display of dance talent, but the story was not as gripping which makes me think I need to supplement my cultural outings with a few plays. I saw a poster for DCPA performance of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night next month and I’m really thinking about going.

After Don Quixote we stopped for coffee and sweet treats to take home and spent the rest of the evening eating and drinking while catching up on the weeks shows. It was a perfect day.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we my youngest nephew turned 1 years old this week and though I wasn’t enthused about rushing home after work on a Friday night to bake a lasagna and a wrap presents for a one-year-old’s birthday party, I’m glad I went.

It was a small affair, just close family, that’s all. The birthday boy was just happy to be given so many treats, and kisses, and to be allowed to crawl about and play with tissue paper. He had a perfect day too I think. His older sister, two years his senior, on the other hand, struggled not to be the center of attention. She pouted and whined, acted like a baby, demanded to be held, and took all of her brother’s new toys. It was frustrating, but I felt sorry for the girl too. I know, being a big sister many times over myself, how it feels like to suddenly be forced to share more and more of the people you love most with someone else. How it feels to, from your perspective, be forgotten.

Luckily another family member got her a small gift too and I think going forward I will do the same, and for her brother on her birthday too. I might make it a tradition and extend the practice to my other sibling’s children too.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that next week is going to be a busy one. I’ve got a lot scheduled but I’ve noticed lately that half the work I think I have to do ends up getting canceled or postponed, so maybe it won’t be as bad as I worry it will. I just hope I feel well enough to make it through. It’s the last real week before fall break.

I’m still going to work during the break, but it’ll be light work, and it’ll only be for 3 days instead of 5. I plan to take the last two days to unwind with my wife before we both have to return to work. Until then I just have to hang in there. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep the light at the end of the tunnel in view.

I honestly hope I do stay busy. The time passes faster that way. The more work I have the less room there is in the day for fatigue, negative thoughts, and irritation. I think I’ll add some “me time” to my calendar, little creative spaces for me to look forward too.

This past week I did the same. During my lunches I worked on little posts about my favorite spooky, disturbing, and gory paintings under my “art history” tag. I spent a few evenings this week in my “creativity room” for a little collage art fun too. I’m hoping that this week I’ll be able to make and share more of both. Stay tuned.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has moved on to the west windows and I’ve migrated back to the bed. The cough is bad again and I’ve had all the tea I can stomach and I’ve hit my limit on the cough drop so it’s back to sleep I go.

I hope you had a good week. I hope the world didn’t ask too much of you. I hope you are well and that the new season is treating you well. I hope you made time for you this week and if you didn’t I hope you put yourself first in the next.

Until next time.

Tame Impala // Patience

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo courtesy of Barn Images

I’m stuck in bed today, wife’s orders. I had hoped that after a little rest I would start feeling better but since yesterday, since Friday really, I have just gotten worse. I’m not so much worried about this little cold as I am worried about what impact a passing cold can have on my chronic illness. Stressing my body can bring on a flare and if I go into a flare it would be like starting at square one again for my health. I’d be back on steroids, back to testing, back to doctor’s visits, and back to worrying constantly about what the next step is.

Of course, my doctor would tell me not to worry about that. She would tell me the worry was more likely to trigger an overactive immune response then the minor cold I’m fighting off. She would tell me that I’m doing good and that there isn’t even anything to worry about until that status changes. She would tell me to listen to my body, take care of myself, and relax and that is what I am going to try my best to do. I know how to get better and if I fail at that; I have people, both professionals and loved ones, that will get me through the next steps no matter what.