093 // Shifting Perceptions

Time has been passing and shifting in strange ways lately. It used to be that the days were long but weeks and months flew by before I knew it. Now, the days are short but the weeks and months are dragging. I’m not sure which I prefer but for better or worse a change is refreshing.

As I am aging, and I do consider myself to be aging now, I worry that there will be less and less change and nothing but more and more monotony to slog through. It’s nice to know that life is a perpetual puberty and my mind and body, as well as my place and perception, will always be changing in ways I cannot understand.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

092 // Grateful for the Frustration

The week was going well until I was informed it would inevitably end on a hectic note. A new class of employees is starting and my team and I are needed to train and test them. It’s a bigger class than we’ve had in a while and that means more hours must be given up for the task. Hours I would normally spend reading or writing.

It’s hard to plan my weeks, make progress on projects, or reach goals when my schedule keeps changing so much, but maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m lucky to have any semblance of a routine to impact in the first place. I suppose there are people whose day-to-day is more chaos than calm every day. I wonder how they cope?

But, once again what frustrates me also serves to remind me how lucky I am, how far I have come, and how much I have to be grateful for.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

091 // I Can Move Again

Starting new medications means trading one set of side effects for another, and this causes the paradoxical condition of both feeling better and feeling worse at the same time.

My energy has returned, my joints so much feel better, and I’m no longer feeling bloated and heavy from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down to sleep at night. Instead, though I have rolling headaches and nausea, and sharper pains in the belly that come and go.

It’s hard to gauge whether one medicine or another leaves you better off or worse but for me and for this medication, the relief from joint pain alone is a godsend. Not only can I move again, but being still is no longer painful either.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

Shifts for April

1. Focus on the reality of the process and not the end result in your dreams. Too often we circumvent discomfort, doubt, and fear by playing perfect scenarios over and over in our minds. We enjoy a sense of accomplishment without having to do the dirty work. Dream, and then put the dream away leaving nothing but space for the real work.

2. It is true that you should not waste time reading books you don’t like, but before you give up, you should consider first whether what you are reading is simply challenging. Reading, like anything, shouldn’t just be about what is easy. Sometimes what you don’t like is that it’s hard and sometimes you will find that greater joy can be found by sticking with what challenges you rather than giving up because it’s “not for you”.

3. Begin before you are ready. The truth is the first attempt will be bad, no matter whether you start now or a year from now. No matter how much you plan or research. No matter how you rework or rewrite. No matter what classes you take or how many “how-to” articles you read. The first attempt will suck because no one is ready the first time. Better to fail now than later.

4. Don’t be afraid to write about it more than once. Write about the same thing every single day if you want. Study it from all angles. Practice it until it’s right. Put it in a new order, a new light, a new place, context, and time. Write it for me, for her, for you, for people living a long way ahead, and write it again for people long gone. Write it as a poem, an essay, a letter, a story. Write is as a truth, then write it as a lie. Write it to death.

5. Don’t give a second of your time to feeling guilty for giving up what other people want for you. Your aspirations may only be comprehendible to you but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid, worthy, or possible. People can be pushy in their bid to control the direction of your life but don’t feel bad for giving up the opportunities and advice they offer if they do not lead to the life you want for you.

6. Know when to rest. It’s good to have so much expectation of yourself and to work so hard building so many good and admirable habits, but not everything can be done every day and it better to fall a little behind and rest, that to fall far behind when you finally collapse.

7. Move your body. Sweat. Get up from your desk and exhaust yourself. Cultivating the mind and living in virtual and abstract spaces is not the only way to improve the self. There is much to be learned in nature too and the mind appreciates physical exertion as much the body. Balance the mental and the physical, both are part of you and both need the other.


Post inspired by Nicholas Bate

Photo by Kat Stokes on Unsplash

090 // Sunday Night Rage

As usual, the weekend flew by too quickly and, of course, I didn’t get to even half of the things I’d hoped. My next chance won’t be for another 5 days now and, at this moment, looking down the long length of those five days, I’m filled with righteous indignation. Five days of every week I must give up and just two are left over for me? Half of which I need to use is in recovering from the five!

Sunday nights and all the required preparation only remind me how bleak and pitiless this reality really is.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

If We Were Having Coffee // When She’s Gone

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

It looks like my morning is starting in the early afternoon today. I woke up with an earache and exhausted bones so after making it to the kitchen to let the dog out then in then fill her food bowl; I turned back around and followed the same sleepy path back to the bed. Two hours later I was up again and through cold brew coffee, loud music, and pure determination I am moving about and getting myself and my house ready for another week.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. You’re welcome to the cold brew or a hot cup from the Moka pot but hot or cold all I have on hand is a light roast. It’s a nice compliment the spring sun shining through the open blinds.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

― Christina Tosi


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was an interesting one. It was educational, sad stressful, lonely, and full of tiny little victories.

On Sunday we got the sad news that my girlfriend’s grandmother had passed away. This is one of those stories that isn’t mine to tell but I will say my heart is in pieces for her and her family. I wish I could have known her grandmother, but I never got the chance to meet her. Once again we are taught the lesson. Talk to the people you can while you can because people leave this Earth every day and you don’t have all the time you think you do.


Monday and Tuesday I got the chance to attend a statewide conference for work. I learned a few things and my task now is to bring back what I have learned and incorporate it into the training we do for new and existing employees.

Much of what I saw we are already doing so what I took away more than knowledge was an emotional impact. For one, I met many people working for other districts who are doing exactly what I’m doing in mine. Until now I have felt somewhat alone in my position.

My position isn’t a prestigious one. I’m rather low on the totem pole but I’m passionate about what I do and think despite the low prestige having people in my position that care about the issue and responsibility is critically important. It was refreshing to meet others who feel the same way and do their work enthusiastically and from the heart.

I also sat in a presentation that gave me a lot of hope for the future of our schools. When I was a teenager I struggled to cope with my emotions and to relate to other kids my age. I was angry and; I know now, very depressed and back then the only way to deal with angry and depressed kids was to suspend them until you could send them somewhere else and then to keep the expectations placed on them so low that they graduated without any skills, emotional or academic.

I was lucky. I dropped out instead and found my own way, but there are so many who were neglected and abandoned by the system.

The presentation I saw was on moving from the suspension, detention, and isolation disciplinary system to one that teaches reflection, responsibility, and restoration. I was nearly in tears imagining the way a younger me would have thrived under that system. The woman who spoke told us that their aim is to make each school into a small community and to teach children how to live in it by connecting them to that community. It’s bittersweet and so beautiful.

I hope every school moves to hire teachers, administrators, and support staff that can be open-minded enough to do better by their students than was done by them.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Wednesday my girlfriend left town to be with her family and attend her grandmother’s funeral.

I never do well when she’s gone. We’ve lived together for something like 15 years, and since we work at the same place, on the same schedule, and doing nearly everything together, I struggle when I have to be on my own for more than a day. I’m just bored mostly, and I miss her a lot, and I lose most of my motivation to cook, or clean, or do anything but read and sleep. I make it sound worse than it is, really.

I did manage to get a lot of reading done since I rarely watch T.V. without her. I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez, my 7th book of the year, by Friday and loved it. I’m already ready to read it again. I was thrilled by the news that Netflix is going to make it into a series. I hope they stay true to the book and include every beautiful and terrible event.

I started Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and though it’s about as far from Márquez’s magical realism as I could get it’s very good. I’m having a hard time putting it down this weekend and expect to finish within days.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the other issue I have when my girlfriend is gone is having to drive. I mentioned it last week but for those new to my blog; I suffer from terrible driving anxiety. I dread having to get to and from work or anywhere else on my own.

My girlfriend is understanding, though it is hard on her and she would like for me to be more comfortable behind the wheel, but when she is gone nothing can be done and I have to push through it. My heart was pounding, and I was nauseous with nervousness every day but I have to say, I did really well. So well in fact that I almost enjoyed it!

I’ve been waiting for some kind of breakthrough. I’ve been waiting to feel motivated not just by shame but by possibility, joy, and pride. I think I’ve had that breakthrough. Working through this fear has become something I want to do, not just something I need to do.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, my girlfriend is flying her way home to me now and that means getting I’d better go. I have to start cleaning this house out of its current sad and stale state.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you are well and that the weather is improving, and that you got to smell the spring air and feel the warming sun on your skin. I hope the new month finds you well this week and that you can meet it without regret or panic.

Until next time. 

Move // Jazz Spastiks feat. Apani B Fly

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

089 // Me and Myself

I’m surprised by how much I’ve come to enjoy my time alone. Of course, I miss my girlfriend, and the dog is here to provide a sense of security, but the silence rather than being unsettling is quite calming and comfortable.

I used to hate being confined to my thoughts but slowly I’m becoming one of my own favorite people. I’m enjoying my own company and seeing the value in companionship with myself. Me and myself have finally, it seems, come to a place of understanding, non judgement, and embarked on a burgeoning friendship.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

Currently // March 2019: Seeds of Possibility

“March is the Month of Expectation.
The things we do not know—
The Persons of prognostication
Are coming now—
We try to show becoming firmness— 
But pompous Joy
Betrays us, as his first Betrothal
Betrays a Boy.” 

― Emily Dickinson, March is the Month of Expectation

March has never been a month that carried much weight or meaning for me. There are no birthdays in March. There are no major holidays, or none that I am interested in anyway. The only thing that marks the month for me, is the long-awaited start of spring and the beginning of the part of the year when I feel the happiest and the most free.

This particular March was much more stressful than most but somehow turned better than most too. My fiance and I accomplished a lot together and I made a lot of progress on my own though not exactly in the ways I’d hoped. It wasn’t a good writing month, but it was a good learning month and a good planning month. I gained confidence in March and began to practice the art of discipline. March was a start, I hope.

And now it’s time for April, my favorite month of the year. My birthday month and the time when winter’s grip loses its hold, and the air grows friendlier and love buds in our heart as the leaves do on the trees. April is when I was born and constitutes a kind of second New Year for me. It’s when I begin the trip around the sun again and deep and fervent thanks for whatever may come.

But before I do, here is what I am currently…

Writing little blog things. I’m still finding my feet here and still trying to figure out how to revive Zen and Pi, but I’m not giving up. I’m still sharing my daily journals, though I have to stop letting the digital replace the physical, and working on drafts book reviews and personal essays. By summer, I’ll be publishing proper long-form blog posts. I’m exploring submitting to other publications again too and making writing my second job rather than something I do when I feel like it. I’m scheduling time rather than waiting for time and working at the hard parts rather than doing what comes easily.

Making an effort. There are things in my life I have taken for granted and gotten lazy about. My relationships, my goals, my home, my work, and even my health have all been slowly falling into a state of disrepair on account of simple carelessness and fatigue. I’ve let things go and left things half finished telling myself I would come back and when I didn’t I fooled myself by saying there was plenty of time. But when you leave things they do not wait for you to return, they simply fall apart while you are away. Though we may grow weary, there are just some things in life that require a constant effort. Like a heartbeat, if you stop, they die.

Planning a possible NaNoWriMo project! My last NaNoWriMo attempt failed miserably, and I haven’t had the courage to try again since but this year I’m rethinking not only the genre, topic, and feeling of my project but also intended audience and means of publication. Suddenly more possibilities mean more possible and I want to give myself the best chance by starting now. I want to throw my future self the life jacket she is going to need to stay afloat. I’m taking notes, collecting and cataloging ideas, and keeping an outline in mind.

Anticipating another awesome birthday month! Most people I know hate their birthdays. They dread them, minimize them, and treat them like any other day, and for the life of me, I cannot understand it! My birthday is the most important day of the year to me because if I had not been born none of the other things in my life would matter. I wouldn’t be here to love, to learn, to hate, to grow, to experience any of it. So I celebrate not just my birth but every year I have been gifted on this planet because there have been so many times I could have left it. This year I’m planning a big dinner with at least 12 friends in addition to the family dinners and a planned “perfect day” with my wife to be.

Reading Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson, still. I expect to finish Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race within days, but Emily Dickinson may take the rest of the year or more since I’d like to analyze and understand every poem. I’ve just finished One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez and have to say it was possibly the most beautiful book I have ever read. I had a hard time with it at first but once I chose to trust that Márquez was leading me the right way and that he would reveal the answers to my questions at the right time I had a much easier go. Next on my list is Notes From the Underground and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoevsky and We the Animals by Justin Torres.

Watching American Gods on Starz and Barry on HBO in preparation for the new season premiere this weekend. I’m also watching The Magicians, my new guilty pleasure and Grey’s Anatomy my old guilty pleasure I cannot wait to be rid of. Honestly, though for the last few months, I haven’t been in the mood for TV but I know that will very soon change. Many of my favorite shows are returning this month including Game of Thrones, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Killing Eve, and The Chi. My weekends will once again be spent on the couch.

Learning a lot! I got to attend a conference for work and while I can’t say I learned a ton but I really was inspired and walked away with a lot to think about. I’ve also been making up for lost time starting my New Year’s Resolution to take some Massive Online Open Courses. My goal is to complete 7 for the year and I already have 2 done! Granted, they were short and sweet ones, but I’m already enrolled in 2 longer ones and I’ll start a 3rd next month. To keep track, and to encourage others on their own journey of independent learning I made a new MOOC list page to track all the courses I’m taking and the ones I’ve completed.

Feeling very tired. March might not have been important, but it sure was busy! We had my brother’s wedding; we made progress in planning our own wedding, and we spent a lot of sleepless nights stressing about both. Some of my family came to visit and my fiance was out of town for nearly a week visiting her’s. I already mentioned the conference plus we had spring break though we both worked through it. The city shut down for 2 days because of a blizzard and my fiance had 2 photography jobs to work and edit for. March was packed and I am in desperate need of rest though my expectations for relief in April are depressingly low.

Reflecting on this episode of The Partially Examined Life on Hannah Arendt’s Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil. I had heard the name Hannah Arendt before but I never knew how influential a philosopher and thinker she was. I’m intrigued by her argument not that evil is common in the world, but that each of us is capable of doing great evil for no other reason but that we are stupid, strongly inclined to follow along, and far too eager to please. It’s far easier to fall into committing or enabling cruelties to occur than we are willing to accept and this is why we will go on committing and enabling them. She believes only through acknowledging this weakness can we prevent future mass atrocities from happening.

Fearing the next election cycle. I know it’s a bit early to be anxious but looking at the scandals rocking the current administration, the unwavering support of the far-right, the ever-widening field on the left, and the rise of hate and violence all over the world, things are starting to just feel bad. I don’t predict the world will end, but I do predict a lot more turmoil and a lot more lives lost. The scary part is when you look at who is being affected and whose lives are being lost you can recognize your own face in their place. I’m afraid, not just of what will happen to me but how my character may be tested too. I’m afraid for my loved ones, and for a future time when we will all be judged by subsequent generations. 

Hating the American healthcare system. If you’ve been following along, you know that I have struggled through the month of March to change from one medication to another to treat my ulcerative colitis. Because the medication is so expensive I have to apply for financial aid through drug companies, each with a different set of requirements and each with a different procedure for reimbursement. This time I had the added stress of my insurance provider putting a hold on my request so they could decide if they wanted to pay for it and all the while I’m slowly slipping into a flare. I’m happy it’s over, and I know it could have been worse, but I still hated it. It was still frustrating, stressful, and scary. The American healthcare system leaves you feeling powerless, confused, and afraid.

Loving my fiance. I love her every day of every month but this past month we’ve really had to come together as a team, support each other, push each other, and comfort each other through a lot. I don’t talk about everything here, some stories aren’t mine to tell, but I can tell you that I know I am one of the lucky ones. No matter what life throws at us, no matter how uncertain the world gets, no matter how much we fight amongst ourselves, we know there is somewhere where we are always safe. That love and safety has been crucial to my healing and enriched my life beyond words. 

Needing nothing but to believe in myself. The more I look at my life the more I see I’ve come quite accidentally to live nearly the life I want and need to live. I am lucky not just to have love, and work, and passion, but to have such small and quiet aspirations that can easily be pursued even if they cannot so be easily achieved. I just need to know I can do it. I need to quiet the doubts, silence the self-hate speech, and stop trying to divine what other people think of me. I have everything I need to be who it is I am trying to be, including the strength. I only need to believe it.

Hoping that more and more of our schools become places that are welcoming, supportive, and safe for our children. This month I was fortunate enough to attend a presentation on the benefits of moving toward a reflective and restorative based disciplinary system in our schools. Our current disciplinary system doesn’t teach kids to be disciplined adults, it teaches them to be compliant and complicit adults. I want to see more social-emotional training that teaches kids how to process emotions, build relationships, and connect with their communities. I’d love to see more schools, smaller, poorer schools servicing the most vulnerable youth being given the political and financial support they need to teach children not just how to pass tests, but how to live in this world, together.


So, yeah, all in all, March was a month of many things. It was busier than the two that came before and I have a feeling that while it doesn’t feel like it meant much now, come the end of the year I will look back and see that seeds of possibility were planted here.

But what about you? How did March treat you? Did winter hold tight til the last? What good did you do? What trials did you meet? Are you excited for April?

Let me know in the comments.


The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love

Photo by Damiano Baschiera on Unsplash

088 // Disoriented

I finished Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude today and I have to say, no other book has ever left me feeling so disoriented and wretched (in the best possible way) as this one.

I was so enthralled by the Buendía family and so ensnared by Marquez’s writing I more than half believed it was all true. Not just the events but the wisdom and the warning of it all. I lived through those one hundred years and witnessed such fascinating and terrible events only to wake up to this reality. What a colossal disappointment in comparison.

This is both the reward and the agonizing pain of a damn good book.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

087 // Drab Day

Today was unremarkable and uneventful.

Normally when nothing happens time drags on, but today was different. Perhaps those long days are only boring days, much is happening but none of it is what we want to happen. And maybe this unremarkable and uneventful day flew by because what happened coincided perfectly with what I wanted to happen and it just turned out that none of it was particularly grand or compelling.

I had just the drab day I needed.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren