If We Were Having Coffee // None of Us Feel Any Safer

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

Today we’re having a late coffee. I had to be up early for a birthday brunch/Easter celebration with my family and afterwards; I was in desperate need of a nap. The kind of nap where you don’t set alarms. The kind of nap which goes on for exactly as long, and sometimes for a little bit longer, than you need. I needed an hour, but then the clouds rolled in and the rain made it two.

But I’m up now, refreshed and ready to chat! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“It can take me forever to choose the right coffee cup in the morning. And it does make a difference!”

— Joel Grey


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this last week was a strange and frightful one. If you hadn’t heard here in Colorado, we had to close down hundreds of schools while police searched for a young woman from Florida obsessed with the Columbine High School massacre flew to Colorado and upon landing immediately bought a shotgun.

The day she landed I’d happened to have stayed home from work with a migraine and the next day, after she hadn’t been found, we all stayed home while they searched. In the late afternoon we got the news, she’d been found, and she was no longer a threat. She was dead. Somehow though, none of us feel any safer. Quite the contrary. This threat is no longer real, but the threat is bigger, closer, clearer, and more frightening than ever.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the Columbine massacre. We remembered, again, we mourned, again, and we felt the fear, again. I feel for the survivors and their families and all survivors and families of all mass shootings and gun violence. I feel for us all and long for a time when the threat will finally be over, for good.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was pretty good. Despite the madness around me I was able to find time for myself though I didn’t do much productive with it.

I brainstormed ways to revive my old blog and worked on the question of how to separate from myself to write for it in a new way. I’m working on reviving my old newsletter too and preparing for an avalanche of unsubscribes after I do.

Part of me is procrastinating by planning, I know. I know that having a vision, a goal, or a plan is no prerequisite to starting and this week I’m going to do my best to remember that. I’m going to do my best to remember that I did not set out on this journey to write about myself alone.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last time we spoke I was on my way out with my fiance to take some engagement photos a few towns over in the foothills. I never did get a chance to let you know how it went. I haven’t seen the photos yet, and I am terrified of hating them, but taking them was surprisingly fun!

Our photographer was young, building a portfolio and offering short sessions at deep discounts, so we went with her considering that we hadn’t even wanted engagement photos in the first place. She was incredibly encouraging and made us feel as comfortable as we could. She made us laugh and through her prodding and questioning, we even learned a couple of things about each other.

I’m glad we did it and as soon as I have the photos I’ll share one of two with you.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have accomplished a few other wedding related things. The invitations went out yesterday which means no matter what we are definitely having a wedding now. It’s really real now. We were going to be married no matter what but now we have to do it this way. Now it must be a grand spectacle.

This week we may choose a planner to help us now that we are so close to the big day and still have so much more to do. We booked the caterer and I may have a suit if I can gather the confidence to order. We’ve begun casing thrift stores nearby for decor items and we are starting to think about our vows.

It feels like we have no time at all and it still feels like we have all the time in the world. We’re excited and terrified. We have no idea what we are doing and we’re doing it anyway.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week looks to be just as free and open as this past one was and I am determined to do something more with it this time around.

I’ve fallen behind in the personal goals I’ve set for myself and in the courses I’ve been taking on Coursera. Until now it’s been easy to just watch videos and take quizzes but now I’ve got a few essay assignment and as usual, I’m procrastinating because I’m scared. I’m afraid I don’t really know what I think I know and that I haven’t really learned anything at all. I’m afraid to mess it up and to not get a good grade, but a bad grade and a chance to try again is better than quitting, something else to remember this week too I suppose.

I’m also struggling to get through Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky so I’m going allot extra reading time between work duties and at lunch.

I have quite a few exciting books lined up to read after if I just need to grit my teeth and focus. I just need to stick to my pages or minutes per day goals I set for myself but Dostoyevsky doesn’t make it easy. This isn’t a book of wild fantasy, beautiful setting, or compelling dialog, but it’s a book with an important idea! An idea I really want to grasp. I have to remember that too.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my coffee mug had run dry and the time for refills is gone. It’s time for a Sunday shot of tequila with my wife to be and episode two of Game of Thrones. It’s time for me to go clear my head and get ready for Monday too.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you were far from both threat and memory of violence and that you got out to see the sun and soak up the spring. I hope your coming week will be warm in all the ways you need and that you make progress to overcome whatever is holding you back.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Izzie R on Unsplash

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If We Were Having Coffee // A Happy Birthday Weekend

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

This Sunday I am up late and in a definite hurry. We have an appointment to take engagement photos a few towns over this evening so that means I have just a few short hours to get ready for tomorrow. Thank God the weather has turned around. The sun is shining, and it’s already warmer out than it has been in many days. I don’t think I could take another day of winter. Thank God for this cold brew too which is the only thing giving me any hope through today’s awful anxiety and doubt.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’ve no time for the Moka pot so blond cold brew it is. I promise you it’s good and I promise it will get the day moving.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When traveling with someone, take large does of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.”

— Helen Hayes


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was certainly a busy one. I started off by finishing up the work I had begun the week before. The new class of employees at work were ready for testing and a few need just a little more training. In addition to my route, I made sure they were all knowledgeable enough and confident enough to go out and work with our very special kids.

After that work eased off, but I had a lot of personal reading, writing, and learning projects I needed to catch up on. I’ve been taking a Modern & Contemporary American Poetry course on Coursera and while there seem to be no concrete deadlines for the quizzes or assignments I’ve set my own expectations and fallen behind.

I also needed to give The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky another chance. It’s been a hard book to start and more than once now I have read the first 10 pages and put the book back down to pick up something that resonates with my life experience, or the way my mind works a little better. Still, I am determined to get through it. Even in the first 10 pages, I can see the value of the book. This time I have a plan and a deadline in mind. This time I won’t give up.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Thursday I had hoped for a snow day since we were forecasted to have another bomb cyclone blizzard but the conditions needed just never materialized. The snow started too late, and the temperatures had been too warm. The system stalled, and we all had to go to work the next day.

All in all, though, it wasn’t so bad. I made the most of it where I good and employed patience and a detached attitude where it was needed. Not even being put on a delayed schedule—in which the kids go to school anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half late—really ruined my mood. The worst of it was that through it all it was still only Thursday.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Friday was tough. The week had been long, my driver was out, and on top of it all, I agreed to help out by doing a route segment I’d never done before and transport kids I’d never met. I was very anxious, but I got to work with my girlfriend too and that helped.

Friday night I was ready to start my “birthday weekend”! My youngest sister (by 15 years!) picked me up for a night out. We ate Hawaiian barbeque, we went book shopping, and we went out for ice cream. SHe planned and paid for it all which made me feel so proud and grateful. She’s a good kid, and I must be doing something right as a big sister to be treated so well.

Saturday I had my “perfect day”. It’s what I do every year on my birthday, though each one is a little different. I plan my perfect breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. I plan my perfect outing, and I buy myself something small (sometimes the something small turns out to be pretty big) and I spend the evening watching as many of my favorite things as I can.

This year I started with a bacon and egg breakfast burrito with spicy salsa. For my outing, I went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science to check out the new Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I had pepperoni pizza at Whole Foods for lunch and for dinner we made “king crab legs, roasted artichokes, shrimp and parmesan pasta, and plenty of butter, lemon, and garlic to cover all, oh, and a bottle of sweet Riesling to wash it all down”.

After dinner, we watched the new Donald Glover film starring Rihanna, Guava Island and ate coconut ice cream with strong coffee. I ended the night by watching Starship Troopers, one of my favorite films, for the 100th time.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week should be another easy one. I have some small lingering work things I want to mark off of my to-do list but I’m hoping I’ll have plenty of free time to work on some big wedding things I need to get started on.

My fiance found her wedding dress last week, so it is my turn to pick out my attire. I’m not wearing a dress so that means it’s time for me to settle on a suit and get fitted. To be honest, I’m pretty terrified and at this point, I’m refusing to have any friends or family present except my fiance. As a queer woman it’s sometimes scary to enter men’s spaces just to find clothing you feel like yourself in and the more traditional the space the more nerve-wracking it can be.

Our invitations should arrive tomorrow and we’ll spend Monday evening putting them together and hopefully, if there are no errors, they’ll be out in the world by Tuesday. I have a ton of vendors to follow up with and deposits and payments will probably have to be made. Our rings should be ready by week’s end and on our way to us all the way from Australia.

Things are coming along and we are taking them one baby step at a time.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s time to head out to our photography appointment. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us and Sunday traffic is always worse than you imagine it will be.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope you are well and happy. I hope that you were able to overcome whatever set you back and that in the coming week you will make quick and significant progress in whatever way you need.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

103 // My Perfect Day

Today is my birthday. It’s the first day of my 34th year on this Earth and in this life. Today is my perfect day.

We woke up at the perfect time, not so early that I felt groggy or grouchy, and not so late that I felt rushed or panicked. We ate breakfast burritos with spicy salsa and watched political shows and after my girlfriend and I cozied up on the couch for a nap while the snow fell, even the pets joined us.

We woke up and got ready for the day. I took a long hot shower and left knowing we’d have plenty of time to spend where we were going. By then the snow had picked up, and the temperature continued to drop which was disappointing. Snow, for me, is not perfect birthday weather. I lamented my spring birth by cheered as we pulled up to our destination, The Denver Museum of Nature and Science.

We toured an exhibit on the senses and got our monies worth and more from the fascinating and quite comprehensive Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. We found the Native American tribe’s exhibit and browsed the North American wildlife we’d missed on our last visit. We ended with a quick trip through my favorite area: rocks and minerals. It’s so boring I never force anyone to walk it with me unless it’s my day and I know I’m allowed some small entitlements.

We left and went for a lunch of pepperoni pizza and bought everything we needed for the perfect dinner: king crab legs, roasted artichokes, shrimp and Parmesan pasta, and plenty of butter, lemon, and garlic to cover all, oh, and a bottle of sweet Riesling to wash it all down.

We cooked together and played our favorite old love songs. We sang, and danced, and kissed throughout the kitchen and when the cooking was done we feasted right there at the island making a mess of it all.

After dinner, there was coconut ice cream with strong coffee poured over top. We watched Guava Island and then Starship Troopers for the 100th time.

It’s after midnight now. I stayed up until the very end not wanting to miss or waste a single moment of my day. It was perfect, as every birthday I have had for the last 17 years or so now has been, though each in their own way. Some are rowdy, drunken affairs, and some are like this one, quiet, reflective, simple.

I love them all and cannot wait until the next.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

102 // Happy Birthday Eve to Me

It’s my last day being 33 and for the first time, I feel the Eve of my born day deserves reflection and remark.

I liked 33. It was a good year. Though it had its difficulties, its setbacks, and failures, it was a year where I felt most me. I felt freer from my past and more connected to my future than ever before. I felt older, but not old. I felt sure and content and good.

I don’t know what 34 will bring. I don’t like to plan for the age the way I do for the year. I don’t want to make all aspects of my life, my seasons and cycles, into ones measured by pure productivity alone. Birthdays aren’t celebrations of what you accomplished, the are celebrations of your coming into existence and living against odds too narrow to even imagine.

This year, and every year going forward, for my birthday I just want to be grateful that I am here and to hope with all my heart to continue to be so for at least one more trip around the sun.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

If We Were Having Coffee // Beginning the Birthday Celebrations

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m exhausted this weekend. The week has been long and though I got through it fine—with the help of pure determination and copious amounts of caffeine—but my body has come to its limit and crashed. Yesterday I could hardly leave the couch. Today is better but not by much. Coffee helps and being able to take the day slowly keeps the threat of a bad mood at bay.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. It’s day’s like this I miss a good strong espresso but two or three cups from the Moka pot should provide the same results.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

― Christina Tosi


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week started off low-key but by the end, I was exhausted and stressed out of my mind.

I had expected a slow work schedule but by Tuesday my boss was telling me that a new class of employees would start and I’d have to give up the free time I’d hoped to spend on reading and writing and put it to use for work instead.

To be honest though, the work wasn’t bad. This class was a good one, collectively both smart and entertaining. I was even happy to see that they were all women.

It’s certainly rewarding to train people who struggle and who, through your help, come to understand and excel at their job, but there’s nothing like the refreshing feeling of teaching people who get it right away, who can easily understand your mind and reasoning and align their train of thought and belief to yours automatically.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite all the stress and the work I have been feeling so much better lately. I have some of my old natural energy back and I’m feeling like my old self too.

I’ve been on my new medication for a little over a week now and while I don’t know for sure that the sudden improvement is because of the medicine but the timing matches up. Other explanations can be the sudden return of Spring and the aforementioned increased anxiety. Either way, I’m finally feeling good, mostly.

The energy seems to come and go suddenly. One minute I’m ready to keel over and sleep wherever I am and the next I’m bouncing off the walls. I’m struggling to get out of bed and get ready in the morning but by my usual nap time I’m ready to go for a run or do some jumping jacks. I’m talking fast and jumping from one subject to another mid sentence for no reason and as soon as someone needs me to make a decision or complete a task my mind is powering down and refusing to work.

I’m trying not to get too frustrated. Energy levels that fluctuate are better than energy levels that stagnate. I’m grateful to have moved from the latter to the former, I just wish I had more warning, or that the changes were more gradual so I could plan and shift accordingly.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Friday we had a big party at work for one of my bosses who has accepted a new position at another district. We are all very happy for her, of course, but the occasion was palpably bittersweet.

I think every work place has that one employee that always comes in with a smile. Every company has someone who seems to run on endless energy and who never tires of their day-to-day drudgery. THis person can sometimes annoy us. Sometimes we are sure something must be deeply wrong with them, but no matter what we think this person doesn’t care. They go on making the office their home and treating everyone like family.

The boss who left, she was one of those people and now that she is going we all realize that there will be quite a big hole left behind. There is no one else who has the same persistence, the same joy, the same way of making us all feel good the way she did and we know that as good as this opportunity will be for her, all of us will be left behind and left worse off by her going.

Morale may be headed off a cliff if someone doesn’t step up and step into those shoes soon.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there has been more big wedding planning progress made.

My fiance went wedding dress shopping and, from what I have been told, found the dress of her dreams! We aren’t sticking to many traditions but she’s adamant that I not see her dress until the big day. I’m okay with that, though I felt admittedly jealous I missed all the fun. At the same time I’m so happy that she found the perfect dress the first time she went looking.

We also have new rings on the way. Both of us have engagement rings but one is the wrong size, and the other isn’t of the best quality so we’ve opted for new ones that match (without being identical) and that we know will last a lot longer than our first set.

We got our catering proposal. It isn’t exactly what we had in mind, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. The options are growing on us and after a few tweaks we may be able to finally move on to the smaller but much more numerous items.

Invitations will go out within a week or two and after that, one way or another, we are putting on this event. There is no turning back now which is both encouraging and terrifying.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be the start of my birthday celebrations. I don’t have very big plans this year, just a day at the museum, a few dinners, and a night of dancing.

I have plans for a small sisters only dinner on Friday and on Saturday here is a huge Leonardo da Vinci exhibit at the Museum of Nature and Science I have been dying to see. Sunday we’ll be in the foothills doing a mini engagement photo shoot for our wedding website.

The weekend after this I’m planning a big dinner for all of my friends and a night out dancing at our favorite gay nightclub. I’m excited but this is the first year that my birthday is not the biggest event I am planning. The wedding has eclipsed everything.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the caffeine wore off a long time ago, and my willpower is waning as well. I need to lie down for a nap before the evening falls and I have to begin preparing for the week.

I hope your week was a good one. I hope that you are well and that the passing of the first quarter of the year finds you with much accomplished and leaves you with motivation and inspiration to carry you through the season.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

095 // The Gift of a Project

I received a wonderful and thoughtful early birthday gift today. It’s something to do, which I have come to realize are among the best kinds of gifts to get, especially if it is something to make.

A gift like that is a gift of inspiration and motivation. A gift like that is a gift of accountability and new beginnings.

Too often we get stuck along our creative journeys because the end goal seems too vague and all roads begin to blend. We’re afraid to choose a path and the longer we wait the more obscure the way becomes. Complete freedom and the option to choose from infinite modes and mediums can paradoxically leave us with no way to proceed. The gift of a project shows a way that can lead us to the way.

I’ll admit I’m a little overwhelmed and afraid but more than that I am intrigued. I have a lot of ideas floating around already and since this gift comes complete with a deadline and a community built in I feel both eager and supported too. I’m ready to get started right away!


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren