Tag: February 2020

It’s snowing, again. I wish I were spending the day inside and cozy but after missing family day for two weekend’s in a row, I can’t handle the guilt of staying home for a third. So I’m drinking copious amounts of coffee, popping a couple of tylenol, and opening a fresh bag of cough drops to hopefully make it through the day without too much discomfort.

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The coffee and tylenol helped. I made it through with enthusiasm and energy but now that I am back home I have nothing left. I can’t fight the fatigue and I can’t fight this cold. I feel worse than even and have doubts about whether I’ll make it in to wirk tomorrow.

I have doubts about whether I’ll be able to go through with my infusion on Tuesday with this infection and I’m worried about what that will mean for the treatment going forward. There’s already a waiting list for this medication and I can’t risk coming off of the steroids without a adding something new to maintain the remission I’ve managed to recapture.

Of course worrying, at best, does no good, and at worse, causes only more harm. I have to focus on the choices I have and the things I control. I control my rest, my fluids, and my medication. That is the only path to getting well that I have.

I’m feeling a little better than yesterday, or pretending to even if I don’t because today we’re going out to brunch and the to the ballet. I’ve been looking forward to this for months now and there is no way I’m going to miss it or allow a little cold to get in the way of good food, a few glasses of mimosas, live music, or the anticipation of another wonderful performance from the Colorado Ballet.

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The whole day was absolutely perfect! Brunch was great as always. We’ve been to that place many, many times and the customer service, the food, and the music never disappoint.

The ballet was as good as I hoped it would be. There were a lot of kids there, of course, and I wondered if I might have enjoyed the performance even more if I’d a child of my own to share it with. I can’t know but I did remind myself that there is a child that still exists in me and I during the performance I allowed her to come forward to enjoy the story alongside this adult version of me. I allowed myself to relax into wonder and awe and joy.

I love that I can give that child all these things she never had a chance to experience in her time. I love that I can be a parent to myself now.

Well, I was 100% wrong about today. It snowed so much overnight and it’s forecasted to snow so much over the course of the day that every school district in the metro area is closed today. So I’m home for my 3rd snow day of the season and wondering if the year will have to be extended as we move further into February and March, our snowiest time of year and more and more and more snow days are called as the storms get worse and worse.

I was also wrong about this cold being all in my head. I woke up with a sore and swollen throat and a generally miserable feeling all over my body. I hope this will be the worst of it. I can deal with a sore throat but coping with a stuffy nose or a cough is so much harder. So, the snow day was a blessing on more than one front and I plan to spend it on the couch reading and resting up. This weekend is going to be an exciting one and I don’t want a second of it ruined over a something as small as a sore throat.

Today is not as warm as yesterday but from the looks of the forecast it is not near as miserable as tomorrow will be. We’re looking at snow again starting tonight though I doubt it will be of any significant amount. Usually if there is a chance of snow day I hear murmurings and rumors throughout the day, but this time there is nothing but silence. I expect bad roads and miserable coworkers first thing in the morning.

But today I feel good, or, mostly good anyway. I am sure I am coming down with a cold or at least the same nasty throat infection everyone else has had. I’m ignoring it for now with the hopes that it’s all in my head.

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Over the course of the last few months I have perfected the art of reading while watching T.V. My wife and I have been binge-watching Homeland on Showtime while I read Love in the Time of Cholera and I am very proud of being able to keep up with both. I can’t, and don’t even want to, try doing both during every show or with every book but these two seem easy enough to follow along that doing both helps rather than hinders.

In fact, I was able to finally finish Love in the Time of Cholera and pick up It by Stephen King which is so long that I will have to learn to do a lot of things while reading at the same time or I’ll never get through it. I’ll also be hitting the Little Black Classics even harder so I won’t fall too far behind my goal while working my way through the tome.

Looking ahead to what is I realize I need more contemporary fiction for my book shelves. All I have lying around are essay collections or Greek history and plays. I’ll need to do a little book shopping before I get bored of either!

Temperatures are still well below freezing but the sun is out and though there is in reality only a 10 degree difference between today and yesterday I feel significantly warmer both in body and in spirit. Being halfway through the week helps too. I know I’m on the downhill side and it will only get better and easier from here.

The class is going well, but I realized today that it’s been weeks now since I have been on a route with kids and though I avoid it when I have the choice I miss it terribly when I don’t. I think after this class is done I’m going to get back out there. I don’t want to be the kind of trainer but hasn’t actually done the work in so long that none of my experiences or insights matter or apply anymore.

And anyway, I need to do something else before I get too burned out. When I’m not teaching new employees, I tend to find default to office work: paperwork, scheduling, scanning, filing, etc. but to people who don’t do that kind of work it tends to look like it isn’t work at all. I worry that I appear lazy and going out on route a few more days a week would ease that worry.

But more than for experience, or change of pace, I want to get back out there because I miss the kids. I never thought I would feel this way but over the last 13 or so years these kids have found their way into my heart. I realize now that I feel much more alive, fulfilled, and comfortable with them than I do with other adults by far. I’ve been thinking about my first dream of being a school counselor and wondering if that was in fact what I really was “meant to be” all along.

It snowed all day yesterday and throughout the night last night but the weekend was so warm that most of it melted as soon as it hit the ground. Still, there was just enough to put us on delayed schedule and make a mess of the whole day. I wish the powers that be would simply leave it alone or give us a snow day. Either is better than this. Luckily, I won’t have to deal with it since I’m inside with the class but I still think it’s the worst way to start the week.

But, considering the snow and the chaos of the delayed start, things are actually going pretty smoothly for me and the class. We have some strong personalities in this one and it’s gotten me thinking about how many people I meet a year because I am a trainer and wondering how much each encounter has influenced me. It’s like realizing how much influence your gut biome has on your mood or food cravings.

Who we all are is in part determined by those around us. How much of who I am is made up of from intimate week or two-week training sessions I’ve done over the course of 10 years or more? And, in turn, how much of me is in all those hundreds of people too?

It’s the last day I’ll have with breaks and a guaranteed lunch hour. Tomorrow the new class starts and I’m beyond anxious over it. Last night I kept waking up from dreams where the class was too big or too unfocused to teach and I had to keep reminding myself there was no need to worry yet, I had another day before the new employees begin, anyway.

I know tonight will be more of the same. Even though I know I’m good at what I do and that I have a ton of knowledge and patience to get them through the training and out onto the buses it still never seems to get easier. Public speaking is hard. Being in charge is hard. Doing things that matter is hard.

At the same time I’m excited. I like teaching people how to do what I do and I enjoy taking our small slice of the education system and making it the very best I can. After every class I get new ideas and by the time the next has started corrections and improvements have been made. This week we have changed some of the outdated (and borderline offensive) wording of the old PowerPoints and added new wheelchair crash test videos to drive home the importance of safety.

I’m brainstorming some ideas for a slide or three to start our diversity training. Eventually I’d like that to be a day of training all itself but I’m not knowledgeable enough myself but I have a mentor in mind if she’s up to taking me on. So, I’m excited not just to teach but to learn too. To make them better and to make myself better too.

I’m stuck in the house again. Yesterday, in an effort to feel useful, I carried boxes of tile from the car by myself and must have over worked a muscle I didn’t even know I had and now getting out of bed has become difficult and painful and leaving the house feels far from worth the suffering it will cause.

The weather is even better than yesterday and part of me is feeling really down about being inside. I’m trying to remember there are going to be many more warm days to come and plenty of chances for me to soak up the sun and see the world.

In the meantime I’m spending the day in the “creativity room” working on a new cutout poem this morning before moving into the kitchen later to meal prep and clean. Laundry was started yesterday and the groceries are already bought and brought home. It’s unusual to have to little that I have to do on a Sunday. I think I’ll make a habit out of this.

Well, I had hoped to spend the day downtown browsing exhibits at the Museum of Contemporary Art but I have so little physical or emotional energy that leaving the house doesn’t even sound enjoyable anymore. The weather is gorgeous and I have all the windows in the house open.

It’s been a long time since the place has been aired out. It’s been a long time since I have felt “aired out” too. We’re far from spring but that is where my mind is and where my heart longs to be. Today, even though I’m stuck inside, that is where I will pretend to be.

I’ve decided to simply rest today. I’ve given myself permission to waste time. I’m laying on the couch, eating nothing but snacks, reading nothing, writing nothing, and allowing myself all the screens and scrolling I want. I think one day here and there to indulge in all those things I’m trying so hard not to do every other day is important. One ultimate cheat day a month will keep me focused and keep my will power strong.