Category: Journal

Today is the first day of the first step of my position change at work. Today I was taken off of my route, the route I have been doing for years with kids I have known for years and shifted to a standby packing, meaning I can fill in on routes that need it, but my real job now is to ride on routes with other drivers and assistants to make sure they are doing ok.

My goal is to help them do their jobs better and support them through tough situations and adjustments during a time when management is just too busy and bordering on too impatient.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to do more fulfilling work and I am especially excited to have so much choice and control over what I am doing, but damn is it scary! I’m doing my best to keep my cool on the outside but inside all alarms are sounding. I have only just begun to leave the comfort zone and already I feel overwhelmed and panicky, but I’m letting the alarms sound and still moving forward too. It will get better.

We actually made it up and out the door before 6:30 this morning for a long-awaited camping trip to Deer Creek for some hiking. I have missed hiking in general but this trail was our first, the one I miss the most, and the one we return to to “get back into it”. It’s perfect for training Lola on trail manners and easy enough we don’t get discouraged but hard enough that we work up a sweat and feel rather accomplished by the end.

We brought some goodies to reward ourselves with at the loops end. Cured salmon, cream cheese, and red onions on top of mini bagels and a few cans of hard cider made for a perfect trail brunch before the long drive home. We spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house and once the sore muscles and fatigue set and the heat of the afternoon crept into the house, there wasn’t much we could do but sleep through til evening.

I got no writing, no reading, and no lessons done at all.

What a perfect Sunday.

Today was fun! We got up intending to do a little shopping (some new running shoes, gifts and an outfit for a baby shower, and hiking snacks) but we ended up with a lot more including new books, new running shoes, and other clothes. We bought lunch while out and brought home Hawaiian barbeque for me and a big juicy impossible burger for her and a large selection of hard ciders for us both. Though I know there will be regret later spontaneous shopping sprees are the best!

Finally, it’s Margarita Friday!

Tonight we’re heading out to blow off some steam with a few friends over good food and strong drinks. It’s strange that we all used to work together and now more than half of us have moved on but we refuse to grow apart or to take our little couples group for granted. Being together is often just what we need no matter how tired or anti-social we may think we feel.

I’m in an anti-social mood today. People want too much from me and nothing they say amuses, educates, or enlightens. I’d love to run away now, far away from them all. I want silence and to sleep. I want to get away from myself too. I feel sorry for myself and disappointed in all aspects my life, but I won’t lift a finger to change any of it.

I don’t write that to be negative. I don’t enjoy spreading my misery around and I don’t think it makes for good writing or reflection either; I write it because seeing it in black and white puts it into perspective. Sharing it shrinks it and reminds me how silly and ungrateful I am behaving.

Some days my moods and my fatigue are out of my control, and some days I could the day into my own hands, change everything, and make what I really want out of it. The trick is knowing which days are which.

I’m not doing a good job of making time for myself this week. I’ve been working more than I need to and what time I do make I don’t use in the way I should. The good thing is that since I worked so much these last few days, by Friday I should have a good 4 or 5 consecutive hours in the middle of the day that will belong to me alone.

I have no idea what I will do with them.

Work was chaotic today. We received news of a major shack up in staff structure and by lunch, I felt the place might burn down from rapture and riot. I did my bit of speculating and rioting but I’m worried and I’m watching and weighing my options. I have been for a while now.

I didn’t have a good night last night, but it did end on a happy, productive, and loving note. I slept well, woke up on time, and even made it into work early. I’m feeling better both physically and emotionally today than I did yesterday.

I feel more awake, aware, and, dare I say it, happy? It could be because I slept better or maybe it’s because I am finally about to finish reading Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This book has plagued me for months! I have never hated and loved a book at the same as much as I do this one. I’m exhausted! Just 18 more pages to go…

And I finished it! and just in time too. A coworker remembered I had asked months ago to borrow Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein and brought it to work this afternoon. It’s a nice change from Russian existential fiction and I fully intend to finish and move on to the next book within a week.

My hopes for achieving my 2019 reading goals are pretty low, but I thought I’d try reading a few shorter books and see how far I can get that way for a while. I set about searching Project Gutenberg this evening for free versions of titles in the Little Black Classics Box Set.

It’s cheating, I know, but a book is a book and I fully intend to purchase the set for aesthetic purposes, anyway. What’s important is that I am reading again, enthusiastically!

Well, last night didn’t turn out at all the way I hoped it would and as a result, I’m not in a great place emotionally this morning. Everything is fine, but I will need some time, some sunshine, some loud music, and at least one thing to go right before I can get out of my head and over this wallowing.

I had thought to make up some excuse to get out of the work I’d scheduled for myself today so I might get some time to myself to read or to write but I know I’ll only feel bad for it later. It might be better if I leaned in instead and kicked today’s ass rather than letting it kick mine.

Today is the end of one kind year and the beginning of another. A year with seasons like any other. A year with cold month, hard months, months of growth, and warm months of sun and green too. A new year with my love begins and no matter what it brings we will weather it, always.

I wish there could be more celebration but there was already so much last month and there will be so much more in a couple of months. Still, this day means everything and I can’t let it end without saying so. This day, 17 years ago, was the beginning of my real life and today I celebrate that most of all. It’s been such a lovely life. A life other’s might only dream of and one for which I am infinitely grateful.

Today feels good. It felt good to get up early and it felt good not to have to go anywhere at all.

I’m doing my best to keep to my weekday schedule even on the weekends in an effort to both sleep better and write more. Today was my first attempt. I half succeeded. I got up early like I wanted to but I wasn’t as productive as I’d hoped to be. Oh well, any progress is good and the weekend is far from over.

We went to see the movie Luce tonight and I had to take a moment to write here that is was one of the best films I’ve seen this year and maybe in a long time more. It was layered, thought-provoking, and so intense it bordered on psychological horror.

Everyone should see it. Please, go see it.