Journal – Page 50 – Lisa Marie Blair

The weekend took its sweet time getting here but at least it had the decency to end on a better note than it began. I may have worked my ass off and I may have exhausted myself and stressed myself out but I got paid for it all and though I mourn the loss of my free time and I’m looking forward to that paycheck!

I’m grateful. The work isn’t hard physically and here I have respect and a lot of leeway is given to me to do things when and as I please. Most people don’t have this luxury and the truth is if I really wanted to I could take a lot more time off than I do. The truth is, though the year is starting out hard and I am exhausted and stressed part of me still enjoys helping out, doing my best work, and getting to be a part of a team.

The problem is that another part of me—a rather large part—would rather not.

Today my workload is looking lighter than usual so I’m taking some time for myself and tackling a long list of small things that feel more like procrastination than productivity on a normal day but nonetheless need to get done.

I recently discovered Google Tasks and fell instantly in love so I’m migrating my Todoist lists over and now I have my mail, calendars, and to-do lists all in one place. While I am there, I’m filling out my editorial calendar, then creating drafts for my upcoming posts, and getting links together for the return of my “Weekend Reads” lists.

For the last two days, over lunch, I’ve been working on the first essay of my upcoming “Essay a Week” project. I’m following these steps but instead of writing 3,000 words in one day I’m spreading the work out over the course of one week. I’ve got my topic and most of my outline complete and I’ve even worked on step four in advance and have tons of quotes too. Tomorrow I’ll flesh out the intro and perhaps get a few random paragraphs I have already written in my head onto the screen.

For the late afternoon and evening, my goals are just to finish a few chores around the house and then read a big chunk of Notes from Underground. I am so close—and so ready!—to finally be done with this very boring but, I admit, very important book and to move on to something that feels more like an escape than a lean into the dreadful realities of human existence.

I’m feeling exhausted today but the worst of the week is over, I hope, and I am looking forward to more writing hours. Starting today I’m taking harsher measures to avoid distraction. No phone and no internet for 1 hour today. It’ll just be me and the blank screen and if I can’t be trusted even then, it’ll be me and the blank page instead.

Nothing is going the way I scheduled it to. I hoped for an easy midday and a peaceful lunch but the things other people want are getting in the way. So instead I have 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there in between people walking in to ask me questions, wanting me to do something, making loud comments, or simply wanting to visit.

But all those five minutes here and five minutes there might add up if I could keep in the back of my mind what I’m trying to do and where I am trying to go before they slip away.

Lately, I have been feeling like nothing is within my control. Not the way I spend my time, not my moods, not when I can eat, where I can go, not even my finances. I feel like I’m being blown here and there by everyone around me from happiness to anger to loneliness to frustration to excitement to hopelessness and back to happiness again without warning and without a way out or up for air.

I guess that is why the choices I have been making—when I can make choices—seem to always be wrong or detrimental in some way. I don’t choose to eat when I should. I don’t choose to sleep when I should. I don’t choose to write or read when I can. I don’t choose to express my feeling in constructive ways and I don’t choose to be brave when I have the chance.

Perhaps doing what I’m not supposed to do or what others expect me not to do feels like the only thing I can control but I know the things I am doing aren’t really what I want.

I want to learn how to let go of what I can’t choose and to focus more on choosing the right things. I don’t want this illusion of control that’s really nothing more than weakness and spite. I want to choose to be focused, hardworking, and strong in every instance where the choice is up to me.

For the first day back to school, today actually went surprisingly well, though that did not make it a good day by a long shot. It’s okay though. I’m home now with my wife, my dog, a plate full of hot wings and a cold beer and not at all willing to rehash the day’s frustrations or disappointments here. I’m just too tired and my mood is quite fragile. I’m trying to be grateful and to enjoy the time I have that belongs to me before it’s time to head to bed, wake up, and do it all over again.

It’s going to be a long week.

It’s going to be a long year.

*sigh*

Today I was a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good aunt too. It’s rare I am even one of these most days—or maybe it’s only rare I ever feel like I am—but today I got to be good in all the ways I’m always struggling to be good. Today I not only felt loved and admired but I felt deserving of love and admiration.

For the moment I don’t desire to be anyone else.

I think I will do nothing at all today and deal with my come tomorrow. I haven’t been sleeping well again and my body is hurting this morning. I could sleep here on this couch for at least another half a day easily, and I think I just might.

Sorry not sorry.

This week has feels like its lasted at least two weeks long and I already know the weekend won’t feel at all long enough but that’s ok. I’ll take whatever I can get.

I spent most of today helping out in the main office. The new school year starts on Monday and we are still moving into our newly renovated building. Nothing is ready. I wish I could have done more to help but I am already at hours and I am not being offered overtime. No matter how much I love my coworkers or how much I want them to succeed I am quite strongly and morally opposed to working for free so I went home early.

Now I’ve got a few cold beers waiting and my wife has promised to pick up a few tacos and an order of sopapillas on her way home. It’s time to start the weekend!

Sometimes people try to help you but only end up making you feel small. Sometimes people giving you more opportunities only reminds you of what you can’t do.

I love what I do, I’m good at what I do, and I am happy doing what I do but I do think I deserve more for my contributions. Instead of paying me more for what I do what I am often offered is more money to do something else and no one can seem to wrap their head around why I might not want that.

I have years of knowledge on anyone else around me. My knowledge is specialized but I have the time and the patience to delve deep. I elevate the standards and keep the liability low. My job is important and having someone confident and competent in my position is important.

But that’s one of the many things wrong with our corporate structure now. The people in power believe that entry-level positions should be filled with low quality, unqualified, disinterested workers, but keeping passionate, intelligent, and interested people happy at all levels should be a priority too.

People can do good work and effect profound change from the bottom and they deserve recognition and support there too.

11:33 AM

There’s chaos all around me today but I’m breathing through it and, when I can, writing through it. My morning will be a little busy but not as bad as it was initially scheduled to be and by the afternoon I should be all on my own in soundless bliss. Plus, there are free tacos and a “welcome back” cake in the lounge. So, today isn’t all bad.

This afternoon I plan to take advantage of the free time and do some writing. I have a ton of essay topics scribbled on scrap paper and post-its and I would love to get them out of my backpack and into a document or blog post draft. I just need a clean hour or two to think and to type but it depends on whether my coworkers get the hint or not.