I forgot to set my alarm and woke up late losing many hours to regret but I still found the energy, the motivation, and the inspiration to clean the house, write something, decide things, and plan. Gosh, it’s been so long since I was able to do so much, mentally and physically. Being alive came easier today than it has in a long time.
And it felt so good! So good I wish the day would never end. I wish I could go on the way I am right now, which feels so much like the way I was before, but I have a feeling that a night’s sleep and the start of Monday will ruin it all. Oh well, I’m grateful all the same and perhaps the memory of right now will carry me through a day or two at least.
Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
I’m up later than usual today having forgotten to turn my weekend alarms on but my mood is at least much improved and I have more energy and feel more motivated than I have in many many days. So, though I don’t plan to leave the house today I still have a busy day ahead. My house desperately needs cleaning and I have more wedding things plan, and, when there is time, I’d like to write something and make time for some self-care things too. It feels good to want to do things again and coffee is only helping. Today is a good day.
So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The temperature outside isn’t very summer-like (and hasn’t been all week) but I like to pretend so I’ve got the drapes open and the heat turned up, and we have a strong cold brew and vanilla soy milk over lots of ice to complete the illusion. Let’s talk about last week!
“I decide to turn to my old faithful solution to all that is wrong in life. Coffee.”
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was another long one. Work wasn’t bad or anything it was just busy. In fact, I was reminded that having to do something isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes the thing you have to do, even if it’s a work thing, even if it’s with coworkers, and even if it’s not exactly what you would choose to be doing, it can still be fun, if you let it.
This week my whole team got together including the other trainers from the other terminals to prepare for our first time training a class all on our own. We’re all very nervous, especially me, but I’m trying to remember that I am a professional, I am knowledgeable; I am quick thinking, flexible, and fully capable of teaching others. Plus, I will have help. It won’t all come down to just me and that even if I were to mess it up completely, I will still get through it and everything will be just fine.
The good thing is I won’t be alone and it won’t all come down to just me. The other good thing is we are all well prepared. We spent at least three hours a day for three days going through the PowerPoint presentation we are going to give. Our biggest problem won’t be what to teach or even how to teach it, but how to fill up a week’s worth of hours when what we teach only takes a couple of days. Luckily, I may have found help for that too and if everything works out, there will be other trainers to take over and I’ll get to spend my afternoons relaxing.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week had some sad moments too. My very favorite boss (and one of my very closest friends) found a new job in a place he hopes will leave him feeling less stressed and more appreciated at the end of the day. I’m happy for him but it’s going to be hard not seeing his face every day. He made the place feel like a home away from home and had a way of putting a smile on everyone’s face. He made us want to be a team.
Lately, it seems like everyone is leaving. I’ve been at this job for close to 13 years now and I used to walk in and see the same faces day after day year after year, but now I walk in and everyone is new. Now I walk in and I’m the “old timer”. I start to wonder if I should leave too. I have no real reason to except to seek out more pay but I wonder if it might be nice to be a newbie again somewhere else. I wonder if it might feel good to begin again and not be so known.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this weekend I had no plans at all. There are a few small errands to run and some wedding decisions to make but for now, we are taking it easy.
The highlight was Friday night when my wife to be and I spent the evening at my second suit fitting—which went wonderfully!—and reconnecting over spontaneous and much-needed dinner and a movie date night. We ate at the Whole Foods buffet and saw the new zombie comedy The Dead Don’t Die. The movie wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t for me, and it didn’t help that we had bad seats, but it did help that we had a few cocktails.
I spent most of the weekend retreating from the world and resting. I’ve been struggling with fatigue for weeks now and as this past week was the worst I have ever been. I never felt rested and having to work through it made me irritable and sensitive. Every day after work I would come home with big plans and to-do list and every day I found myself curled up on the couch napping with the dog sometimes for hours.
I’m not sure what is causing it. It’s either a side effect of my medication or an ulcerative colitis flare rearing its ugly head because I have been too inconsistent with my medication. It’s hard to remember to take so many pills throughout the day, you know? This week I’m going to try harder though. I can’t get better if I don’t start by taking my care seriously, and only after I am following doctor’s orders to a T can I begin to tweak the regimen.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that besides my very busy and very nerve-wracking work week, I’m looking forward to finding time to write and to read. I’ve fallen very far behind in my 2019 reading goals and though I’m not sure that I can make it up, I still want to get my ass in gear and try. It would help if I would start carrying my book with me wherever I go again and if I would make time before bed for a few pages at the least.
Writing-wise I am hoping to get the first essay in my new essay a week project drafted. I will be honest with you though, the chances of me beginning on time are pretty slim. I have been procrastinating and whenever I sit down to begin; I feel lost. I’m trying to remember that this is supposed to be fun. I’m trying to remember it doesn’t have to be perfect. I think once I start it’ll get easier but we both know that the first post, the first page, the first of anything comes with the highest expectations.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I am enjoying this time to chat with you, I can feel that fatigue creeping on again. If I want to get a cat nap in before it’s time to cook, to watch my Sunday shows, to get ready for the week and to get to bed on time I had better go now.
I hope you had a great week. I hope that you are feeling well and taking time to take care of yourself. I hope that wherever you are summer has really begun and that you have gotten out to see the sun and breath some fresh air.
Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.
Until next time.
Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.
One thing that has been bothering me is the way (straight) people reference how long my fiance and I have been living together before getting married as if it were a bad thing or some kind of failure. People seem to have forgotten that until just under 5 years ago, we couldn’t legally get married!
People seem to have forgotten that the distribution of rights were (and in some ways still are) very different, and are now holding us to a higher social and moral expectation than we could have achieved. It isn’t our fault we had to wait so long and bringing it up opens deep and painful wounds. It reminds us how much we are hated, and then shames us for it.
I’m still not feeling much like myself but I am doing my best and pushing through. I just wish time would move a little faster so I could get back home and get back to resting. I’m grateful for my fiance today who will answer a call and reply to texts even when she’s busy because she knows I need her. I’m grateful for a partner who will leave early to make lunch plans and who can make me feel that even if “right now” kind of sucks, “soon” will be so much better if I can just hang on.
So, lunch had to be canceled due to family emergencies, but the day still got so much better. I got that nap I needed very much and afterward, we went to do another fitting for my suit. It’s coming along so beautifully. Now just the pants need to be hemmed up and let out a little at the waist.
The weather was crappy, and we were hungry. The week was still wearing on us still and we’ve missed each other, so we opted on impulse for a much-needed dinner and a movie date night. We got crappy seats to a zombie comedy, ate too much popcorn, had too many cocktails, and giggled like schoolgirls in love. Oh, how I’ve missed that! The week couldn’t have ended on a better note!
Today was a hard day. My mood is in a downward swing and I’m not playing well with others. I did my best to fake it for as long as I could but I ended up calling it a day early and heading home to my dog and a good nap.
Fatigue is killing me. I used to be able to fake it. I used to pride myself on my ability to power through, but lately, I haven’t been able to hide it so well. Lately it’s been noticeable and lately, I can’t even gather myself up enough to pretend.
I have the option of making today my Friday and making Friday the beginning of a three-day weekend which sounds really nice but I keep doing the math in my head so many dollars per hour times so many hours per day is how much money I am taking away from us when I stay home. My actions impact others and taking care of me often means depriving my home of something it needs.
It could be Friday but I doubt it will be. My guilt won’t let it.
The most wonderful feeling is to be wanted, and the most special feeling is being wanted by those who aren’t as quick to wanting as most. I was late to work today because I was so wanted by someone who rarely expresses the need and it felt so good I couldn’t resist. I laid in bed surrounded by the warmth of love and the summer sun pretending I didn’t have a care in the world like it was a lazy Sunday morning and I had nowhere at all to be.
The rest of the day meant nothing and made no impression in comparison.
Tonight we saw my dad for his father’s day celebration. As always, it was a wonderful visit, and as always I wish there wasn’t that strange gap between us. It’s a hole that opened between us the day I was born, I imagine, and though it’s width has grown no wider since that day its depth has gone beyond our ability to fathom and our courage to leap over.
Such gaps between parents and their children are common, but each one is unique. The one between my father and I, from where I stand, is made of all my love, and all my anger, and all my wondering and regret. Its depth is all he couldn’t give and all my incessant wanting.
I’m sure from where he stands it must look different. From his side it may be darker, made of much more past and much more pain. I know this and for this reason I hold his hand above the fissure and squeeze it in forgiveness. For this reason, I ask nothing more than what I know is possible. This is my gift.
I’m still recovering from the weekend. I know, I know, two nights should be enough but I’m getting older now. Not old, but older, and I don’t bounce back the way I used to. The end of my partying days are growing closer, I’m feeling it. I’m hoping I’ll be able to let them go gracefully when the time comes.
It was a good day though. I was productive and the work hours flew by fast. I was able to leave early and to come home to my fiance rather than an empty house. Plus plenty of leftover fajita fixings leftover from last night to make for dinner and a little time to write in before I’ll have to do it all again tomorrow. There isn’t much more I ask from life. There isn’t much more I can ask, I guess.
We never made it to the parade. I’m just still so exhausted from yesterday’s celebrations and shenanigans and I’m still so sore from all the walking and my ankles are beat up from the new shoes I wore. There was no way. All I wanted to do to was stay in bed but we still had so much to do I just had to suck it up, suck down some coffee, and do my best to be engaged. I think I did okay.
I didn’t get to see my dad (he had to work) but I called him, of course. He sounds tired, stressed, maybe sad? I worry about him a lot but it’s hard to tell him that because the way we talk to our dads is different than the way we talk to our moms. Maybe I will though, because the way we talk to our dads shouldn’t be different than the way we talk to our moms.
Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
I’ll be honest with you, after a late night out last night, I am moving terribly slow today. I’m proud of myself for rising before 10:00 AM and further for getting a couple of things cleaned up around the house, though not as much as a typical Sunday for me. In my defense, it is also Father’s day and since we’ll be heading to my fiance’s parent’s house for the day I am rather limited on time. Considering all that, I’m doing pretty good!
But, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The weather is feeling much more summer-like than the last few weeks and I got a big strong batch of cold brew that will go perfectly with the late spring breeze coming in through every window. Let’s talk about last week.
“but isn’t there always one good thing to look back on?
think of how many cups of coffee we drank together.”
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was such a very long one. I worked my usual hours at my usual location two days this week but I also took three days of classes at a conference I was invited too.
The conference wasn’t at all what I expected or hoped it to be and next year, if I am invited back again, I will opt to take very different classes than I did this time around. It wasn’t that they were boring, uninformative, nor were the instructors ill-prepared or incorrect on any point. The problem was, I knew all the information I was presented with already. I’d been learning it, and teaching it for years myself. I had hoped to learn something new. I was hoping for a challenge, a mind shift, an Aha! moment, something to bring back to my team that would enhance or add to what we already do, but I found nothing like that at all.
I did appreciate the refresher though and two of the instructors I had differed greatly from one another and helped me clarify my own training philosophies and techniques either in agreement or in staunch opposition with theirs. And if nothing else I at least enjoyed the change of pace and I was grateful and honored to be chosen as important enough to attend by my own district.
By Friday I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Many of my coworkers attended the conference along with me and some of them had very different ideas about what our purpose and place there was. There were moments when I was frustrated and moments where I felt embarrassed. I was a hard week and I am glad it is finally behind me!
If we were having coffee, I would tell you this weekend is a very special and a very busy one too.
Friday night after work my wife to be and I spent the evening watching movies, painting our nails, doing face masks, eating breakfast tacos and doing shots of tequila together to kick off Denver’s Pridefest weekend. The week had been hard on both of us and we needed a little self-care, a chance to blow off steam, and a moment to celebrate ourselves!
Saturday we were up early, more self care more taking time to be with each other and to breathe. We walked to the light rail station and headed downtown in the early afternoon to meet our very best gay friends for a day and night on the town.
The day was a perfect one, too hot at first but it quickly cooled down just enough to make us really appreciate the contrast. We walked for hours buying or winning special rainbow edition merch and sharing gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and cans of beer. We had burgers and cocktails for dinner and enjoyed a game of drag queen bingo where both my fiance and I won even more special edition rainbow merch to take home.
Last night we partied. We danced and drank, playing jumbo versions of Jenga and Connect Four, and just enjoyed being a part of our community. I’ll be honest, I may have enjoyed it a little more than I should have and I am feeling it this morning. I don’t regret a single thing.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is still moving ahead steadily but we are definitely feeling the time crunch. We’ve just over one month to go now and it seems like no matter how much we check off the to-do list there is always more and more left to go. We are over it!
I’ve said it plenty of times here but we really just want to be married already. We want to be a married couple and that is it. The more we do, and decide, and spend for this event the more I realize that the cliched “it’s your wedding” response to any complaint or frustration is a lie, or at best, a half-truth. It is my wedding but I no longer believe it is for me.
That isn’t a bad thing, though. A wedding, I’ve come to believe, is a gift instead. A gift you pick out, sure, a gift that tells your unique story, sure, but a gift nonetheless, a thing you give away.
This day is for my guests, and our community, our friends and family and supporters. This is how we say thank you, how we show our appreciation, and how we give something back. That is why I feel so much pressure and why I am willing to do so much just to say I do, I want to give back something truly thoughtful and beautiful.
This week we’re going to just keep on matching forward the best we can. We have a lot of little loose ends to tie up over transportation and attire and we have to get going on some of the big DIY projects. We’re also going to apply for our marriage license this week!
If we were having coffee I would tell you that, work wise, next week will be the last easy one before a very hard one I’ve been dreading since school ended. The week after this all my bosses will be off and it will be up to me and my team to teach a new class of employees. I’m beyond terrified but my team is eager to step up and I’m hoping that means at least an even distribution of teaching time.
Writing wise I’m going to start fleshing out some essay ideas I put together last week and working on the execution of my creative project. I found a neat little instructional article on how to write a 3,000 word essay in a day and though I don’t plan to write them all in a day (some I’m sure will be impacted by my chronic procrastination) I thought the step-by-step process could benefit me over the course of days and help me keep going and keep up with my goal.
I’m also getting back to my MOOCs and promising myself to make some reading progress. I know that after this week I may have to scale back again to make room for wedding things as the date draws closer and for work things as we get closer to the end of the summer.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there are dark clouds on the horizon and good smells coming from the kitchen which lets me know it’s getting late and time for me to go be with family.
I hope you had a great week and that you were able to find the balance between the work you must do for others and the work you must do for yourself. I want to wish all the dad’s out there a happy Father’s Day too. I hope you feel loved and celebrated today.
Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.
Until next time.
Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.
Lisa Marie Blair 